Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Best First Concert Ever!

Me and Chris get to the casino, finding parking was a bit annoying. We walk through the casino only to walk back outside to re-enter the different part of the building. When me and Chris go to our seats he couldn't believe how close were were. I had told him front row! but when the music started and all these girls ran up and blocked my view.. I was like... I'm going up too! BEST FIRST CONCERT EVER! It's the best thing I could ask for in a first concert. front row where I can touch them. I didn't get a rose. But I nearly cried because the emotions were all there. It's great that I got to shake all three of their hands. I ♥ Boyz II Men

If The Tables Were Turned

Someone commented and asked if the tables were turned. What would I do?
To be honest you have to realize something about me. I am very much a giver.
If my X bf fell for a best girlfriend of mine ( yes at first it would hurt and be weird )

My answer is. WHO AM I TO STAND IN BETWEEN THAT? I'm a Libra. I weight the circumstances. If this will only feel awkward for me, but they come to love each other so much that there maybe a possibility that they are soul mates. Or come to get married, or have something greater than I can ever come to find. WHO AM I? To say they cannot have that? just cause it would be weird for me to see them together. I'm giving enough to always want the person I love to find great love even if it is not with me. I would only disapprove for one reason. If I know if one of the two is disloyal. I will warn the other before they enter a relationship together but I would wish them all the best. I truly would.

I'm not trying to break a friendship. I would love to become friends again to a comfortable level with my X. I want to be able to look at him and his new girlfriend and be happy. Just because they are happy together.

Late Night Chats

Yesterday I did not do very much. I posted two videos up. One on my personal account and one on my main one. The Final One for the 2009 year. I spent the night chatting to new friends. Both Canadians. Both with family backgrounds with bad stories. They are far more stronger than me though. That is for sure.
I am a badass Yes I am. But here are some of my wishes for everyone for the new year.

Monday, December 28, 2009

My Name Is Dead Person

I don't use my full name a lot of the time when I introduce myself to people because the way I like to have it be called in English sounds like something else in Cantonese. Dead Person. I decided to post this video up because my friend just asked about my name yesterday. Many also wonder why I just don't have an English name. I never applied one to myself because I don't really know what English name would suit me. But I hope this Youtube Video explains somethings about me and my name and some little stories of me and names. :)

Just Let Go!

I'm not talking about myself today. My GB *Chris* seems to lack the ability to fully let go. I understand this, that it's hard but I just don't understand how anyone can continuously dwell and focus a part of their energy towards someone that has hurt them so much. He seems to ask why, why he doesn't have the kind of happiness that the person he's always had interests in seems to have found in someone else that isn't him. He has continuously had interests in these girls who have all ended up breaking his heart. I asked and wondered if he was loving too blindly. That he likes that person so much that he's not seeing all the other signs of their disinterest. I've always had the patience to do this and realized loving blindly only makes you weaker that you are allowing yourself to be hurt. He has to learn to stop looking back and checking in on someone that seems to break your heart every time you see their happiness with someone else which in turn makes you unhappy. This only means, you don't truly love them. You love the love they have, the love you could have had.

If you truly love and care for someone, you can let them go to be happy. You can look at their happiness and are happy ( if not try ) because that is all you could ever wish for them to find. Even though that happiness is not with you. It isn't you loving them, or them loving you. It is for the better. Even if you feel it's only a charade, that you feel that the love they have isn't real. The truth is, it is not your place to say that. You aren't in that relationship. You have to realize that these are the kind of thoughts that make you more ugly. When you start to hope somewhere in your heart that their relationship doesn't turn out. These thoughts, it turns you into something else. It brings envy in your heart and you lose faith in one of the most powerful entities in the world next to the faith and belief in God. Think about this. Loving someone comes very close to religion. You put belief in them, faith, trust, love, devotion and time.

I've had to learn this. I always want to be a better person when it comes to loving someone. When stepping in and out of a relationship. I realized that it breaks my heart and it makes me feel disgusted when I start wishing someone I once loved so much any kind of harm, or unhappiness. Why would I ever want to place myself into such an ugly state of mind. I could only hope that they would wish the same for me in finding happiness and love in whomever it is I choose to pursue to love and come to be with.

Let Go Chris. You will be better for it.
Love IS Patient. Love IS Kind. These words are from the bible.
Take One Step Forward. Become better for wishing them well and only hope that the ones that have ever come to hurt you, nothing but happiness. Don't dwell, just let them go. Their woes and worries should never become yours because you have your own life to live and love.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Touching

I've been touched today in two ways. ( I mean emotions )
One of my friends earlier in the day text messages me wondering where I've been because I hadn't logged online for a couple of days. This really touched me to know he cared. And that I'm online way too much. LOL.

Chris *god bro* asks if I confessed to my crush yet. I said I hadn't. He sends me this song.


It basically says in Chinese. The title: Don't be afraid. The Lyrics talk about Don't be afraid love isn't meant to be scary. kind of thing... I love this artist, I had some of his English songs on imeem before myspace bought them out and messed up that account. He has the classical voice which is so rare.

Do You Remember Asian Avenue?


Since starting to do youtube videos, I started to get personal messages / people visiting my blog to chat with me who turned out to recognize me from some where. They couldn't put their hands on it until they mentioned Asian Avenue and I told them what my nickname was. BB_Mouse. I used to be in the 604chat a lot chatting up and meeting new people. Majority was promoting. But I did meet a lot of great people and friends from there that I chat and still friends with till this day. So I decided to ask on youtube if other people remember Asianavenue.com before it turned to asianave.com. If more 604 people recognize me, great because I did lose touch with a lot of great friends who I met on there. I hope to maybe get back in touch to see how they are now doing.

Missing The Other Girlfriends

When I went out with Trev. *The X* . There were two other best buds that he would at the time always hang out with when he wasn't with me. I dubbed them the other girlfriends. ♥ I've come to know they are both really good guys. I've always wondered why they were single and why some girls haven't snatched them up yet. They both have really good qualities about them. But I must say Gordon has always been a sassy one to me. But truth be told, I actually liked that about him. It shows me some kind of personality. *smerk* . Chew.. the other girlfriend. Well I guess they are now my X girlfriends as well. Chew . He has always been such a sweetie.
♥ I miss them sometimes.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

I'm Different

I realized as I lay here on my sisters couch that I'm very different but that's okay. I may not be that "want to party and get drunk", or "try that drug", or "explore very many places" type of person... my reason being is that "I'm different." I have always been on the other side of things. I, in my short life, have not made many friends that have always been there for me. I don't even have a best friend. I can't even remember the last time I did. I do say that my X was my best friend but the truth there are even somethings I kept from him. ( not a lot just one or two ) But I eventually told my truth when we broke up. I have always, in a sense, been very much on my own; pursuing art, taking care of family first, taking care of me. I've always been a giver. Sacrificing a lot of "ME" for others' well-being. I never had the chance to get drunk, cause I never had that group of friends to hang and party with. I never tried drugs for the same reasons and also for the fact that I've had to clean up after people before who've gotten themselves so messed up. I thought I was going to witness them die from over dose because their bodies couldn't handle the drug. Here is my plain explaination of how I think. I don't know if I'm allergic to bees. I have never been stung. I don't know when I do if I can have the reaction of puffing up and dying. But I know I'm not going to stick my hand in a hive to intentionally get stung to find out how the sting of a bee feels. I am one who have seen it from all angles. I see all guys from all angles. Some may read this diary and come to think that I'm wrong in how I pursue or come to love someone. The truth is that I may come to show care and affection towards someone, but giving up my heart comes much more harder that the receiver of my affection believes. I may love "love", but it took my last relationship 2 years+ for me to fully open up and truly love them. I've dated enough to know the qualitities I now look for, even if and when I believe I've found that closest to my definition of greatness and perfection in a guy. ( I experienced this not too long ago ) I'm very much a realist and know that they won't always love me back the same way. As much as I would love for them to, I'm not going to lie and fool myself in holding onto that belief that they would. The bottom line is that I would never lie to myself that way and pursue things so blindly. When it comes to love, if things don't work out, I suck it up and move on. It's the only thing I can do. Exploration however I'm going to do that, finally. Because I'm working hard to treat myself to places and things I've never had the ability to before.

I'm trying to change a lot of things in my life ( a lot in a short amount of time yet day by day ). I'm not going to place myself into unhappiness any longer. I have never knowingly done that but I believe that I'm very much in search for my definition of happiness.

Think Think & Thinking

I'm blogging from my sisters place and I seem to have been in a train of thought. Of which video to post next since I have so many lined up. When I should really launch project to you via youtube. A number of things keep popping up into my mind. People, places. One thing I have to admit is that in the last four months or so I've been purging a lot of memories of my last relationship. Difficult yet at the same time not so difficult. I can sadly say I can't really remember what happened last Christmas. Actually I'm not sad about it at all. I'm really sick and tired of looking too deep into the past. For some reason a part of me doesn't even want to dwell into the memories of the last relationship. To be honest. I'm to the point of where I believe it was a waste of time. Dwelling too much would be even a bigger waste of time so lets just stop.

I chat with my sister about my plans to go for who it is I want to go for. I need to curb my curiosity. I'm not in a hurry to be in a relationship, just dating is now fine with me. Things have to be taken slowly with him. I've tried to push him out of my system, it hasn't worked. So confessing that is a big step for me. It's kinda driving me nuts. Just to say that I want to be with him. The only thing that makes me nervous is the thought of his answer. What would you do if a girl like me confessed that I wanted to be with you? Not in a relationship just yet... just to go out and have fun and enjoy eachothers company for the time being.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas~!

Merry Christmas!
I filmed so many videos last night I spent most of my time editing. Why do I video so much? I want to get a lot of what's on my list over and done with. Questions I have to ask and kinda want to know the answers to.

Up Coming Videos:
My Name is Dead Person . Do You Remember Asian Avenue? . DDBs SBGs & BBGs . Project _ To: You . To: You _ I Love You. How Much Is Too Much ( Make Up )? . What Project To:You Means to me .

I worked out for an hour yesterday before I took a shower and now my arms ache and my body is sore. Tonight Christmas Party

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve

So different. I know this, that everything is different when you're on your own. You get used to it. You get comfortable. You forget how to give and receive love to a certain point. You save that love for yourself because it makes you stronger that way. I worked out for about an hour today. Thinking and asking from myself to be smarter, stronger and love harder. I received my books and cd from amazon.ca. Leona Lewis' new cd, City Walks Vancouver and a four volume book that was created by one of my teachers I had at the Art Institute of Vancouver. Michael. He was a great teacher, even though he was so relaxed. He encouraged me to just do what I wanted to, to know I tried. That I put myself out there, what ever the project it is I'm trying to do. May it be my clothing line, my own freelance design company, my fine arts. I tried and no one will belittle me for it. Cause it may be more than others can say that have ever done in their lives. These are my life experiences.

Am currently planing to film my youtube intro to project to you.

There are a number of things that I am pursuing to do. Goals that are currently running parallel. Though many of them are running parallel, they are all in some way moving forward like me in life. My Projects, My Book, My Youtube, My Fine Arts, My Graphic Arts, My Singing / Song writing (< secretly working on that only a few know about ), The Companies that I work for. A lot of these things I'm building from bare bones, but I'm there regardless. I haven't lost faith in the fact and in my abilities. I've always had that mind set that whatever it is I do, I will with every being of me make it the best it can possibly be. Always believing in myself that I have and will always try to have the golden touch. I don't believe I'm the best of the best but sometimes I have to. Not only that I have to believe and try to be better.

I don't need Santa to give me what I want, because he can't. He can't make me wiser, smarter, stronger with a mere object. I have to do this myself.

Emotions of Dreams

I woke up from a strange dream. I dreamt that I was with DC ( which I don't think would even happen ) I was in a strange world. I ended up going to this house with him and it was strangely owned by gangsters ( Trust me when I say this dream is very strange ) well it was very ghetto to the point where they were extracting drugs from certain plants and drying what ever powder it was they needed everywhere around just on newspapers. ( I thought to myself wow these are horrible drug manufacturers! ) Then all of a sudden we were forced to extract a special mix where some of the elements are from fruits. I didn't want to die by the hands of gangsters no matter how bad they were. I extract it and DC takes the extracted powder and goes into the next room to package it for them. I looked outside to the weather and said to them that they may want to worry about the snow. I asked the lady who seemed to be the god mother of them all weather if they had umbrellas. She laughs at me saying she likes me, that I have enough courage to speak to her especially about something they needed, she lets me and DC go. Before we leave I give him a big hug, he does something unexpected. He leans in towards me and hugs me tighter. I ask him if everything is alright. He says yeah. We walk side by side on the way home. He walks down the street, I'm shocked and ask, this is your house?! ( Which it isn't cause I know what his house looks like ) I am shocked and say, "You live down the street from drug dealers?~!" He replies yes, bad location. I turn to look down the street, it's by a marina, a large building that resembles an old ship was there and I compliment how beautifully built it was. I don't enter his house as I did attempt to, I'm transported somewhere else. I'm traveling around on my own in this large mall. I go store to store and I realize I'm in an upscale mall. However the people that were there were gossiping about their friends and their children were running a muck about the store. My temptation to scold the children as they were singing out loud and annoyingly was very strong. I exit the store and continue on. I make my way to this section of the mall where surprisingly there was a cut off and window view to a baseball field. ( I don't like baseball ) My camera was dangling across my neck and I thought it would be great if I could get a couple shots. Someone else had the same idea until the flash became annoying to the players practicing on the field not so far away and requested the shutters to be closed. I turn to see a group of guys that I once knew from high school. I was never too close to them, but their eyes and faces were the same. I looked at them and said hello, the sad thing is that they were there for trip. These guys didn't look the same anymore, I looked at them and could tell they were sick. They were pale and balding / some wearing head coverings. They say hello back searching for my name in their minds. I tell them that I went to High School with them and was visiting from out of town. Their eyes light up when they remember who I am, but they quickly come to tell me why they are there and what it is they have. Cancer. Different kinds though. I didn't know what to say. I put on a brave face as they tell me, as they shook my hand to say hello. I wanted to cry.
I woke up.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Special Requests

I did something this morning where I just took a deep breath and did it. Too bad it took most of the day to get my reply to little questions I asked. I got the reply during my filming of Comment Comment Time 2 Video. So Thanks DC for doing that.

I went to metrotown to meet up with Chris for Christmas lunch. I was in station square and awaiting for his arrival when I saw a member of my roller hockey team. He didn't recognize me at first, but when he took the second look it clicked. He asks if Trevor was inside. I felt awkward I hate talking about it. I say no. He broke up with me. He jokingly says in a comforting way, "That bastard! I'll check him or something next time I play hockey with him." We separate and I await for Chris' arrival. Taking Chris *God Bro* for Christmas lunch. He picked Uncle Willy's. I haven't eating anything since then. I feel the food still in my system. We ate in there. We both have stories where we got sick as kids there and we returned to find it's like a time capsule in there. The same decor and probably kind of food. As adults we see foods at a different perspective. We were afraid.

Filming this comment comment time is different after I got a special request from a youtube fan and I also filmed differently using the xacti. I did a drawing of anime from the top of my head and time lapsed it. Video editing took so long.

Waking Up Sad

I can barely sleep now. Cause I think so much about everything.
My boss' text wakes me up in the morning. I swore I backed up my work yesterday! @_@ I really don't remember. I do it like I go pee and poop now. You just do it, you don't remember when you do it.

I don't like waking up sad anymore. It bugs me, I've come to determine that I absolutely hate it! I've let go of enough people that I love. Letting them go because I have to and I have no choice to. I can't force anyone to love me or to be with me. I think of love now and it makes me feel sad. Love officially makes me feel sad.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Decided To Take Chances

I've decided to take big chances in this 2010 year. I'm pushing forward in working on my online portfolio to bring in more freelance work. I will continue to do youtube videos to promote my art and show the world who I really am. I will blog my heart out because well, it helps me vent. This is basically my diary. except I don't write everything in it. I've built the two other blogs I wanted to, Clever Canary and I'm on the brink of fully launching Project_To: You. I asked for a raise at work and my boss says I definitely deserve it and will be receiving benefits as well this upcoming new year. I hope to paint more, draw more so the rest of my 26th year is filled with more artful adventures. I want to explore my own city more. That's why I purchased the city walks for Vancouver edition. I decided to drop my weight down to 100 pounds. After letting go of one of the greatest guys I've had the chance to come across in my life. ( Toronto Guy ). I realized that really great guys are a few if I let go of Great Vancouver guy, I might regret it. REGRET. I hate that word so much! I rarely regret anything I do because I weight out all the chances and risks before I do something. I've already told myself no regrets in what ever it is I do choose to do. Trying to let go of Vancouver Great guy, one I've been trying to let go of for years~! It's been very hard. Till I get enough courage to come out and tell him I want to be with him ( I don't know if it will be anytime soon ). I know that I don't want to go on into next year to continue NOT TRYING. I'll continue to focus on what I've been doing since coming back from Toronto. Building what I need to build. Giving up on what I need to give up. Loving me for the better, to smile. I realized that I hate feeling so unhappy about certain things so I put my energy into changing what it is that's making me unhappy so I can be happy.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Deep Thoughts

I know I'm almost back to my usual unhealthy routine of staying up late and being nocturnal. But only because I've been in deep thought. I'm currently outweighing the risks, the possible out comes. Chances. Just woke up not too long ago. Noonish? I cry, feeling like I've been needing to cry for a while. I feel sad. Thinking.

Sorting my photos from Toronto. Wanting to burn my photos but I need an early footage from CN tower from Frankie before doing so.

I'm currently pushing forward and designing / setting up my project to you blog page. I realized how I should set the whole thing up and feeling that blog style maybe the best way. I can label the messages and what's more amazing that came across my thoughts is that the message can be replied to. So when the writer reads them it will be as though a response from different people and maybe perhaps the one that the message was intended for.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Confessing to Myself

I'm still fighting with it. Letting go of the one I really need to let go of. the question is. Can I? Should I? I'm so confused! sad, yes partly assured and unassured and this songs says it all, it's so beautiful.

Party Till 2 Plus

I went to a friends get together at her condo yesterday to hang. Meeting new people was great. Hanging with strangers that were very much open to rock out! ( we were playing rock band all night ) I opened up with some encouragement from DC. I am very shy when comes to singing in front of people, especially the ones I don't know, but him going first, I followed sometime after. It was a very comfortable environment, I guess you can only have this when you get the right group of people together. Everyone was supportive of everyone else, I guess since most of the people there played hockey, we very much have team spirit. A song that was harder to sing than it seems was "I want you back" by Jackson five. I thought i was going to crash that song. After the party we head out, ( DC, was nice enough to agree to drop me home ) I forget my umbrella and we go back up to the condo to fetch it. Well good thing cause it was raining. We walk side by side under the umbrella chatting. I was holding up the umbrella for half the walk and couldn't do it anymore and asked him to hold it as I just hooked my hand to his arm as we walked. We walk to the parking lot where he parks for work. We walk up using the car loop around instead of taking the stairs to get to his car. LOL, I don't know why I choose the more exercise one. We chat, he didn't know very much where he was going when he was driving me home, which was odd because he'd been to my place before, or at least near by it. @_@ . But the extra long drive home was nice anyways. Before we parted ways, I give him directions on how to get back home over the bridge, gave him the domo kun gifts that I'd been waiting to pass to him and requested he get out of the car. With DC, there was one thing that I've always wanted to do through out the years and that was a big big hug. ♥ , he gives out a little sighing sound during the hug ( maybe I hugged too hard? ) and he wishes me a Merry Christmas / A Holiday and I say my goodbye. This is where I quickly scoot back to my house and watched him drive off as I say goodbye and let go. I film my "I love you" video that is in the spirit of project _ To: You. I end it, around 4am and sleep a good sleep. I wake up feeling a bit heartbroken for some strange reason.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Missing Him A Little

I'm missing him a little. I spent the most comfortable week plus of my life with him. Such a short short time. A part of me feels like I wanted / should have held him a little more, a little closer and spoke from my heart a little more than from my mind. I miss him.

*smiles* I'm watching Jacob (Hoggard) on Much Music. LOL . I'm so proud of him! He's always had this personality aura since high school and now it's just strange to see him on tv, hear him on the radio and everything! I knew there was something about him when I forced him to sign my yearbook. He was destined for big things.

this is my 200th post! wow. world, here is my heart.

Thinking About Christmas & New Years

I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind or my heart. The fact that this will be my first year out of many that I will be on my own. Experiencing these joyous holidays. It's strange and sad to say that even though I was in past relationships. I must confess that I can't even say that I've been passionately kissed under a mistletoe or even on new years day. ( I guess I am a romantic ).

I've been working away. Setting up 2 more blog sites. One is for my project_to: you. ( haven't set up the blog design ). Another is my "Clever Canary". A company that me and my close friend had wanted to partner and start but she got really busy as she is a work-a-holic. Not to say that I'm not as I'm more of the freelance work and don't mind all that much dealing with personal clients, building on my goals a lot on the side. Anyways. The blog for clever canary I have decided to create for a one stop source of favorites. The best of the best that I've come across. Sourced for other fellow friends, new comers, where it also lets people contact me and send me other great links to source. I really have to go through my bookmarks now and sort everything out. This allows me to source everything that I need wherever and whenever, just as long as I have internet, for whomever I'm working for. I maybe leaking some of my personal secret sites I love. But, I think this is a blog that is more focused on that career of my life. I fell asleep last night around 8:30pm. Working away at setting the blog up. I woke up today around 5am and went right back at it. www.clevercanary.blogspot.com

Tonight. A Christmas Party.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

♥ Update . Goal Update . Video Update

I've been very Zen the last two days.
I woke up this morning and worked out for about an hour before hitting the showers and got ready for work. I've decided that I would like to drop my weight down to 100 pounds. Maybe this way my tummy fat will go away. I just don't want to go get to a point where I'm unhealthy to be there. After the new year I'll be able to go get myself checked out fully. That condition that comes and goes with me has not come back for a while since I have cut a lot of red meat from my diet. Though I don't avoid it all together. I realized chicken is okay. I'm going to be scared though going in by myself with the whole checkup and all. On my own. Maybe it's for the better. The best of the best or the worst of the worse news would be only known by me. Whatever the outcome maybe, perhaps it is better for me to face it on my own. I will be stronger for it, no matter if it has the ability to break me. I think I spoke with this with Mia a couple years before she died. We conversed about if we found out we were dying, would we tell people. I remember saying to her that I probably wouldn't, if it was too late to fight it. I would let everyone live their lives happily and fully because it'll hurt less when the time came. Since her death, I don't know if that statement I said was correct or not. Barely anyone knew she was losing the fight to cancer, she didn't want everyone to know. Though I did cry at her funeral, I sat there and wondered about all the little hints I never got when she was alive. Just how much she wanted me to play hockey with her on her last physical able year. To go on that Disney Land Trip, to hang at Hansen's birthday. I think about this and this makes me tear. I keep my friendster account still just on the sole fact that she was the last person to leave me a message there. I find it amazing how the one arena that I scored all my goals in roller hockey was the one where I taught her how to shoot the puck. *sigh* I miss her. *tear*
The thing with me is. I know I don't necessarily need to be with someone. It would just be nice to. I've spent time by myself before, being solely on me. Finding what I'm all about. I did. I became comfortable and it was only then through that year was when I opened up and realized how I should avoid how to be and how I should just be myself regardless. It's been hard for me. There are great guys in my life that I've come to know. One has filled my mind for a couple months has filled my mind the most in the years, he still dwells in the back of my mind. He has been the hardest to let go of. That thought of how great would it be to be with that great guy. How special they had made me feel when they weren't even with me. How much more special would I feel if I were. To never know that makes me feel regret for not even trying. The fact I can't try, is what breaks my heart the most. I will need let go. I just liked him for so long. Coming to slowly know him more and more. Dating other guys and he still crosses my mind (that's what bothers me). I know there are lots of fish in the sea. I KNOW THIS. people don't have to tell me this. But in reality it is so rare to come across a guy that is purely so great in my eyes. I've only known of...three? two? I will try my best to let go of these feelings towards this person. Open up my eyes to the ones around me. Focus my thoughts. I have to get this out of my system. There is no one else I talk to that fully understands what I'm talking about. Cause they can't because they don't live in my heart or my brain. I can't even write it out what I'm trying to say. I'm tired and I should get to sleep. work in the morning. I'm going to take it easy for a while as I clear my mind away from being with someone and just being. Even though the emotions are killing me. I have to do this. Letting go of great guys that come into my life seems to be a thing this last half of the year. Maybe I've just lost so much of me I should just stop. stop expecting anything anymore or from anyone. especially with love. ( How can I do or say this?! I will feel like I'm losing faith! >_< ) I'm returning to self dependency (where to be honest, I've always have been, just more now ) so there will be no disappointments.


Goals updated: LIFE GOALS TORONTO VACATION . DONE! . SEE A GREAT WONDER OF CANADA . DONE!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Hello Jugo Juice Guy

Well I a lot of the time I get a Jugo juice smoothie in the morning when I haven't eaten anything to curb my hunger and thirst. The one that I frequent once I get out of my downtown station has a guy that works there that I see time to time but I think today is the first time I got his name. Shawn? Sean? which ever one it is. It was nice to meet you. :)

Meditation of Me

I had to let go of the overwhelming emotions. Not only the sickness I was feeling from my bre-lu-din. But returning to what really matters, Me. My dreams, that have now been my goals for so long. Toronto was life changing. It put in line my goals. I visited art studio - galleries there and was like... this is what I dream of. I saw a spaces and just thought, art show. I'm on vacation and I still indulge in the thoughts of my passion. But what set my emotions a stir was Love. like I said before love is a tough tough thing. But this is what I chanted to myself as I sat up in my bed in lotus form and one hand in prayer before my forehead another before my heart, aligned, I breathe slowly in and out. I say to myself the following.

Let Go.
I breathe for me.
I live for my happiness.
I live for the love of me.
I smile for the love of me.
I will pursue my dreams, my goals.
I will live life with passion and love.
Of me.
Align me with the universe.
Let me be Free.
Let me be happy.
Let Me Let Go.
I must let go.
Let Go.
(here I placed my hands together and thumb touching thumb I created an open diamond here I concentrated as I chanted)
*open diamond on my forehead*
Let Go. Of the thoughts of wants.
Let Go. of the thought of love,
of sadness.
of possessions.
of everything.
of everyone.
Can you let go?
Let Go.
Think openly.

*open diamond over my mouth*
Let Go.
of negative words.
Let Go. Speak not.
of broken promises.
of lies.
of hurtful words.
Let Go.
Speak from the heart.
with pure honesty.

*open diamond over my chest*
Let Go.
of love.
of the ones you Love.
Let Go.
of what the heart desires.
Let Go.
They are un-needed.
You are loved by your love.
Let Go.
And Love Purely.

*open diamond over my stomach*
Let Go.
be hungry.
Let Go.
Feed on happiness.
Eat healthy.
Let Go of the feelings
The emotions that dwell.
Let Go.

*Breathe Deeply*
*smile*

You Know

I was awoken by Frankie's text. Letting me know he's landed safely back in Toronto.
I already miss everything about him. I'm going to miss the Good Mornings and Good Nights. :( But it's good to have felt and known this love, even if it was for but a small moment in time.

It's something you ate when your stomach keeps churning and making noises like it's calling out for help. I can't go back to sleep. I'll try.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Feelings Of The Heart

I can't shake this feeling now. I'm not heart broken... it's more of a nervous feeling. My stomach feels funny but I think cause I ate too many pot stickers from bubble world. That dipping sauce was weak and gross. I feel like throwing up.

I just finished vacuuming and mopping the floors of my level of the house. Just spilled my heart and feelings straight up and up front with Less. and I feel better.

Oh LX, where are you when I need to talk to you! ~_~ ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I think my emotional state for the last couple days was my grieving period of knowing what was going to be. I take things as they are. My instincts are always feeling out what about to happen and when they do, it comes as no surprise. But oh how you surprise me Less. How you surprise me. ahhhh shit.

Let Go & Growing

I said goodbye today to a great guy. Letting go of that is hard I must say and I feel like having a good cry. But I'm better for it. Hearing his words of wisdom. I'm going to miss him. His presence, his voice, his aura. I fell in love with you Frankie, for just you being who you are. *smiles*

There are lots of things that I've come to already know. So much more to learn. I will be reconnecting with old friends the rest of this 26th year and looking to make many more new ones. I need to place myself out of my element, I'm up for anything. I love myself a lot more to know I need better and have better things in stored. I'm smart, wise and strong. I just need to be smarter, wiser and stronger.

In my last post in my last line I said that I have so much love that I need someone on the receiving end. Though this is true, I will for now cycle this love back to me.

Heart Torn

I had a rough night of sleep. Letting the dog in and out of my room in the middle of the night. Not Cool. I took the day off today to rest off the tiredness I've been feeling the last couple of days and a turn of events yesterday night created a heart torn of emotions. All I can really say is Love is a tough tough thing. I wonder why God just can't show you and say. This is who you should be with. Try love with, follow your desires with heart. A confession and question can stir so many unknown emotions and thoughts that now fill my mind. I am smart enough to know that it takes two people to love one another. One sided emotions don't go anywhere. I realized last night that I may have fallen in love. The want to be with him is hard, I pull my emotions back from him because I can't love him entirely just yet, but the fact that I've fallen can't be denied. Perhaps it's the thought that he embodies so much of what it is I need and look for in a guy. But he seems in my perspective that he's so comfortable with the fact of being, as in with himself and by himself I start to wonder if he needs me. As much as I would love to love him. I want and need to be with someone that needs and wants to be with me. I know this, this is how love should be. But love is understanding, resilient and also molds itself through time as well. I know Love embodies different ways, hows and knows. ( Those who have loved, understand it will know what my last line means ) The way I love is .. if I love enough, I know I can let go for the sake of their happiness. Cause love should have no boundaries. Who am I to hold anyone back from their happiness. I love them so much that I want that for them cause that's just who I am and always will be. The more I come to build on who I'm striving to be I realize I have a lot of love in me, I need someone on the receiving end.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Dreaming of Happiness

I woke up this morning from a dream I can hardly remember. I remember bits and parts. I remember entering a dark and sketchy store. In the front of the store were glass counters with nice and old antique watches inside them and on top in little containers. The rest of the little shop that reminded me more of a little little motel room were scattered with mattresses. I remember thinking to myself looking and touching the edges of these mattresses if they were used. Gross. I however was not alone in my dream. I did not walk into the this little shop by myself I was accompanying my *Yi Paw* in mandarin that's my grandma's sister. So my second grandma would be the proper translation of that. She looks closely at these watches and as for me, I can care less for the unkempt pieces. She sends me off and about and I head out making my way around a dark and night on the streets of a city. Making my way around a small mall and my way back home. I don't remember where home was and I eventually find myself with FL, I am so glad to see him we wrap our arms around one another, we kiss passionately and I rest my head on his shoulder / chest area, I feel a his lips kiss my forehead and I wake up with a smile.
My heart wakes up happy, but it quickly saddens as I know reality. I'm a realist. As much as I love that love. I know I can't always get what I want. God will grace me with it when the time is right. Or when it presents itself. Regret nothing, in the pursue of it and know and understand things from all aspects. Never close your eyes to the possibilities of what can be.
I done a few things since returning. Today I payed my bills. Checked if my transfers of funds into my saving accounts if they went through. I signed up with a stock photo site to sell off some stock images as I grow my photography skills. I look into getting either a part time job or in search of more fine art opportunities with networking and expanding myself in that aspect with community events. I had thought deeply in working with sick kids, perhaps something to do with art therapy. But I always thought that needed me to have some kind of training to having to deal with sick kids. But I think I should look into it since it's really something I've always wanted to do. MY HEART IS VERY BIG. I need to take some time and paint more as I plan to put on an art show in the near future. I need to make enough income to support that dream so I will be focusing. Rebuilding my online portfolio as I moved it onto the new system and is now being more organized. I have been updating that as well since coming back. I've cut my panda collection in half. I really realized what I didn't miss when I was gone is not what I really didn't need. I discovered in Toronto that I am hungry to put on my art show as I was a little disappointed about the call for artists at Steam Whistle Brewery poster I had come across. I don't have near enough art pieces in Toronto alone to do a show there as much as I wanted to submit and throw an art show in that space, it would be nothing but a dream come true. That space was beautiful. I also realized that my imagination is not far from being extinguished as I do crave to become a more well rounded artist in everything I do. I will be doing more time lapse videos and should look into researching for a time lapse video editing program. I seriously don't know where to start besides google. I wish I had a handful of friends at my dispense whom I can just contact and ask but I'm currently just starting to build that as well. My 26th year is 2-3 months in and there is more to come. My close friends are noticing my ambitions so much they feel it. I talk with a passion because it's what it is. I don't want to lose that. It's what I need to do.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Reflecting and Returning To Me

I'm sniffling still as I'm at home. I was quite alright when I was out today. Mother nature clears up my sinuses and HOME just ruins it for me. I wrote Frankie a morning email, to thank him for everything. *sigh* I had to sum up a lot of courage and energy for that and of course I couldn't help to have tears streaming down my face in the process *sigh* when have I become so emotional when confessing my true feelings. I headed out to Metro today in search of a couple of things. I was there to pick up my Boyz To Men concert tickets, find the city walks Vancouver version because I thought, I did Toronto. I hope to return in the summer and do the rest that requires the nice sunny days. The Zoo, The Parks etc. But Vancouver, I've been to a lot of places in Vancouver but I know not everywhere. I walked into Sportschek to look for wall mounts for my snowboard to have them tell me they've never heard of what I'm talking about, I find it odd since it was there where I first saw them. *scrunch my face* . I meet up with Chris *God Bro* for lunch and to go with me to pick up some other things. We first hit up the food court that was crowded then the sushi place which had a line and then made our way to Big Boss Restaurant where we just grabbed an number. He told me about an acquaintance he met of a girl that resided in Toronto who was very forward with him after having just met him for 2 minutes through the internet. He goes on to tell me about these other girls and how they've treated him and I think to myself, are girls that horrible these days?! And I wonder how he's meeting them. How they are so rude and crude and self centered and pampered and wanting to know every last detail of a guy after placing them under a microscope and then judging them on all their bad flaws they come to see. Everyone has bad flaws after they've been placed under a microscope / interrogation! My question is, are there such things as flaws? I mean to some people some things are flaws where others don't see them as such. Flaws are only perspectives of our own definition of non-perfection and everyone has their own definition of perfection. I have learned and are trying not to judge people or to watch for their flaws as I interact with and get to know them. People will be who they are and are always ever changing. I see them for as they are and love them for what is good. If they have something that I find strange as others may think of them as flaws, I take them for what it is. It's just them being who they are. Who am I to tell someone they are flawed? I will always say that they can be better then what they are now. *ughh* That's just me though. I picked up some bath mats since the other ones that I had spent money on were thrown out by my older brother. I then head on over to get my tickets and soon after Chris and I go on our separate ways. I head home. I miss the bus by the time I got to the station so I head on over to the mall to kill time. The book store didn't carry the city walks, so I mosey to future shop, I treat myself to the KH new DS game when I should have gotten a memory card. Damn it. *sigh* maybe I'll head out and get that tomorrow, or something. I get home and play the game in awe of the great graphics that I see before me. I get bored of it forty five minutes to an hour later. I save and quit the game. I put on my other ipod which I had named pea.pod I'm listening to Tsuchie and I return to zen-ness.
I had been since returning from Toronto, was very sad and emotional. But I spent some time looking over my pics that I had yet to configure for my blog and post them. I should reflect since I have returned to me.

Confessions Of My Twelve Days In Toronto _ Thoughts.
Day One:
When arriving at the airport and when I saw Frankie again, I shied. I had planned to give him a big hug (which I did) along with a big kiss (which I chickened out on). I was simply very happy to see him. When he took me to the AGO, I felt bad for making him walk that giant gallery of a maze with me. He was such a sport of sticking it out with me. *heart touching*
Day Two:
There's really nothing about day two that I didn't blog about. It was a really nice relaxing day. I really enjoyed it. I realized I wasn't the only one that broke out into song when I heard a song over the speakers in a store. *refreshing*
Day Three:
I should have taken more of the street car as I explored the area. *sigh*
Day Four:
I met up with Linda *X's cousin* for lunch out on a spur of the moment when she called me. I felt awkward as I filled her in on what happened from my perspective of things of what happened between me and her cousin. What made it awkward was that she kept apologizing for the break-up, in all honesty there was nothing she needed to apologize for, she wasn't the one that had broken my heart. I did however thought this Vacation was to get away from Vancouver emotional hook-on events but I guess somethings can't be avoided.
Day Five:
Full transportation exploration! I realized that the transportation of the subway is actually very fast. I got the gist of it right after Frankie had drawn me a map of the subway tracks. I knew what direction was what. That was the day I understood how it all worked. I found it very convenient that I can travel from one end of the city to the other on 2.75$ Just as long as you move in one continuous direction. So going and returning is 5.25$. In Vancouver, it will cost you 5$ to get from one end of the skytrain track to the other (during rush hour) *not round trip*. Which means a round trip during rush hours (before 6:30pm) costs up to 10$. YAY, Vancouver for having a failed transportation payment plan. This day, I tied in pool with Sean. It was great to see Sanj again. She has always been a great friend since high school.
Day Six:
I cut out footage of me with a Fat Fat Squirrel. I got so lost doing the harbourfront tour. I realized soon after that the camera was touching my eye then my face and marking my face up with black spots. I filmed myself and realized I can't use some of the footage because my face was all messed up from make up smears. YES EMBARRASSING! Check myself before I wreck myself! LOL.
Day Seven:
I painted at night because well, Frankie was out for dinner. And it was just good timing. I realize how adorable he is that night.
Day Eight:
Science Centre Day, I wish we got to see more stuff there, Body world didn't really cut it for me. Damn it. I left hungry for more knowledge.
Day Nine:
Niagara Falls, I wish I had explored down to where I saw a couple that was close to water as they stood onto a giant rock on the water side. I was to shy to ask Frankie if he wanted to explore.
Day Ten:
The Green Mango has the best Mango and Papaya Smoothie EVER! Bloor street village will forever remind me of the quaint little shops that you come to love that just feels like a mountain of treasure inside them. :)
Day Eleven:
I was upset with myself for not realizing that a Tuesday was a bad day to visit gallery row. But I find my charm and I'm happy. St. Michaels is gorgeous and I come close to where Frankie had told me was Hooker Harvey area. Where all the prostitutes are.
Day Twelve:
ROM, you're so big. I had to speed walk through you and your levels. I traveled back in time and all over the world. Which was a nice experience. I learned everything from art history. But to see it before you and a whole different story. I wanted to touch EVERYTHING! (that was not in a glass case) I was sad to have to leave so soon.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Running On T.O Time . Time To Let Go

*sigh* I went to sleep last night and was very tired out by 9pm. I woke up at 5am.

12:04pm
I'm currently feeling very very sad. I wonder if this is the final hurdle or moving on in every part of me. I'm crying and my thoughts are filled with nothing. I'm feeling very sad and crying over nothing really. How can anyone ever explain this. I spent yesterday unpacking and coming back to my reality of things. I guess a part of my sadness is that I'm back to all things that stress me out. The moment I stepped off the plane I felt it, the anxiety and blood pressure rising. I'm cleaning out my room again and I know now I need to reach my own enlightenment. I know now from my trip I have the ability to separate my emotions from my actions. But my heart is very much a part of me. It's like I have so much love to give and I feel like I really don't have anyone there to receive or comprehend how much love I really do have. All my closest friends that become a part of my world and my ever spreading bubble can tell you that they feel this at one point or the other. Just the person I really am. So much love that I'm emotionally overflowing. I've decided to let go. Of a lot of things. I asked myself last night and this morning if I can let go of the ones that I love the most that are currently in my life. Besides myself, I don't really have anyone that I love as equally as much and that in their utmost understanding, know who I truly am fully. ( Though how I very much wish I currently did. ) so my answer is yes. I can. It's not really that rude for me to say this considering I've had nightmares on which a global disaster happened and everyone I loved was gone and I had to do it on my own. I've decided to let go of some of my collections, I've deeply thought about letting go of my panda stuffy collect. Some I hadn't had that long and were given to me by friends. That I will be hesitant of letting go but I'm really trying to be a minimalist. Being a collector of things. This can be very hard for me. But a big part of me feels like this is something I need to do. Let Go.

I wonder if I did fall in love in Toronto. or with it. I can't answer that question right now. But I can tell you that I feel like I had the pleasure to spend time with one of the greatest guys that I will probably ever know in my life time. So much so that the time that I spent with him was dream like. I was very quiet through out a lot of the time because I was very much observing him, his actions, his being and just loving everything in the moment. What he has done for me I don't think I can even repay, I thank him with words but I don't think he truly understands just how much he's done for me. What he has done for me is more than any one guy has done for me in all the past relationships I've been in, in the span of 12 days. I even experienced some new things with him. I very much feel that I have grown in every direction of thought and being. It was all thanks to him. How do I thank him?

Time to go back to cleaning.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I'm Back Vancouver

Well, It's my first day back officially and I go out with my big sis to Michael's Craft store for her to return and buy some things for her baby room building. We later go to T&T and I tell her bits and pieces of my trip here and there. I tell her how I realized that on my own I'm self sufficient on my own, but I need to be more self efficient. Yes that's it. I need to clean this mess of a room. I had come to the conclusion that I'm just going to donate everything that I don't want / need anymore. What's not a better time than Christmas time to donate stuff animals and toys. I spent most of my morning unpacking and re-folding my laundry to put back in my drawers. There was a pile of unfolded laundry on my bed when I came home last night and random hangings in my closet. I don't feel so well after coming back from going out. I felt like as if I may be coming down with something but I drank a Fuze this morning when I was out to help get whatever vitamin hit I need for the day to boost the immune system. I go downstairs after coming home and realize when I locked up my dog downstairs he did something he shouldn't have done. He ate one of my artworks. One of my best ones is destroyed by this little fucking dog. I'm currently upset about the loss. Have I came back to a world of disappointment? On the upside. My painting video that I placed up yesterday has hit 250+ views and my subscribers are growing. I have to keep that ball rolling cause I know art is my passion, it's what I'm best at and it's what I feel is right.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

T.O. Trip Day Twelve. Last Day

I wake up this morning and I watch him do his routine of getting ready for work. I soak it in. It's my last day to do so. He's very handsome, I rarely get a chance to see a guy get ready for work in a suit, nicely polished and styling. But it's his spontaneous moments that make me smile, for example when we were at the Science Centre they have these buggy carts that drive about and can give people rides. Well when one drove right past us he started running for it to reach for it. It was SO cute! How he makes me smile. laugh . feel happy. *sigh* why I sighing?! .. I don't know really. I guess it's very rare for me to finally have come across a true gentlemen.

*smiles to myself*
I'm waiting for my upload to finish. as I share more of myself with the world.

My last day I'm visiting the ROM.
I get to the ROM about 12pm and I go and see the Dead Sea Scroll Exhibit. Why? I really don't know why. Seeing a part of something that branched off written word for different religions has to be some kind of significance in some way. However I do believe that the people who translated the Old Testament may have bent it to what they wanted many others to believe in today. The Old Version of the early English bible leaves many things open to different interpretations. I eat lunch there at the ROM, after the dead sea scroll exhibit I decide to do what I did at the AGO, was start from the top down. I saw so many things in the ROM it blows my mind. I saw Vanity Fair Cover Shots Exhibit. History of Textiles from throughout the world. In a nutshell in the ROM, I basically traveled around the world and throughout and back in time. Since I took art history in school, I already knew general information about everything I was walking about and looking at. Pieces from Greece, Rome, Byzantine Era, Gothic times, from prehistoric times when the dinosaurs ruled the world.
I stood next to a raptor skeleton and thought to myself. If it was really one on one, I think I could take it on, possibly, maybe. OK I know the chances are slim but I have a lot of faith in myself when it comes to survival. LOL. I do the fastest walk-a-about in a museum that I've ever done. I had to because the ROM like the AGO, is HUGE, and I if I started when it opened then I may have had enough time to do the whole thing. But still it's really big with a lot of pieces to look at. (I think getting lost in the ROM was what really made me lose some time in there). After that though I got the gist of the general layout of the building and found my way around quickly after that. I leave at 5pm, Frankie gets home from work before I do. We get ready to leave since we are heading home to Vancouver together. It's his first visit back in 3 years. We get our bags from the condo to the streetcar to the subway on to a bus that took us to the airport. We lugged our hearts out. Frankie = Superman ♥ to have been able to lug the giant suitcase that my sister lent me. At Toronto Airport I find that I may have lost one of my earrings. Some of the staff st the security check was kind enough to look about for it. I think, perhaps it was fated to remain in Toronto.
We fly back to Vancouver. I'm uncomfortable on the flight as I fall in and out of sleep. My neck hurts trying to sleep leaning back on the headrest, I find it most comfortable as I lean my head on Frankie's shoulder. I feel a little hesitant as I do so. I don't want to be clingy. Though I am naturally affectionate person to friends and loved ones a like. Hugs and such. We arrive at YVR and my big suitcase is the first to come down the shoot. Frankie is quick to ask if that was mine. FIRST! I proclaim. He helps me grab my bags and stack them on the push cart. His comes out soon after. We part ways, I'm a little saddened. Not at the fact that Frankie and I had to part ways (okay maybe a little). But at the fact that no one was there to greet me yet from those that promised to pick me up from the airport. I feel the warmth of Frankie's last hug leave me and I call my dad who says that he has yet to arrive at the airport yet. Typical. It's one of the reasons why my expectations on my family are low. They continuously break my heart in some way some how time after time. My dad then arrives at the airport but I can't find him then he is quick to yell at me and proclaim why I was dumb and not able to find my way to where he was, where he said everyone else seems to be exiting. In all honesty I didn't even know where I was really, all I know was I was in the arrivals in the domestics. I try to find him, but I fail the the process because like I said, I didn't really know which part of the airport I was in because this was the first time I'd traveled alone within Canada. He shouts at me through my phone (*something I dreaded and was one of the reasons why I didn't want him to come pick me up, his actions / words towards me stresses me out a lot*), then he only to comes to realize that he's in international arrivals he asks me isn't it the same exit? I tell him it's different and separated. I had flew in domestic. I had been waiting ten - twenty minutes, I don't think I can explain how alone I felt during that time as everyone that were on the same flight I was on had already gotten their bags and had all gone. My emotion was a mix of sadness and frustration as I sat there by the passenger pick-up exit on the bench looking at my bags before me. He eventually finds me and I get through the quiet car ride home with little conversation about my trip. I get home and the one guy that seems to truly missed me the most yells (barks) at the two who had decided to leave him out on the trip to pick me up. He gives them an earful and then me as though to ask where I went before he gives me a little welcome kiss home. ♥ I give him a hug and kiss. Before I had left on my trip, I had thrown my bedsheets to wash, my bed is undone and I spend time doing my bed as I now am blogging in a newly freshly made bed. Oh yeah, when I stripped down to hop in bed I found an odd bump around my stomach. I was like, what on earth is that?! It turns out to be the lost earring. ♥ I guess God does love me. The strange thing is that I didn't notice this bump when I had took off the other sweater I had on earlier. Or when I was on the plane, I did search myself too earlier when I had lost it. It just appeared like magic.
Magic, is the only word I can describe how my trip feels like. I can't believe I'm back, like the 12 days that I spent in Toronto were a dream. I should sleep. I have to clean my room and re-organize and do laundry and what not tomorrow.
Vancouver, I'm back.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

T.O. Trip Day Eleven . Gallery Row, Eatons Centre

I traveled around today first visiting a location I did not find on my first day of exploring on my own because I realized that it was further down then I had wanted to go. I street car down Spadina transferring cars and going down to Gallery Row, Queen Street West. Art + Design District. It was a bad day to hit it up since a lot of the galleries don't run on regular work hours, they are all opened near the end of the week. I think to myself maybe I should have done the research. I went into a couple of galleries any ways even if they were working on the displays for the next upcoming show. I don't care! I'm a fellow artist that's about to leave town. Though I must say I was intrigued and amused at what I did get a chance to see.
I saw this one piece that just touched me, it was in the Ontario Crafts Council Gallery area where I saw this one work of art which when you look upon it is simply a display of spoons hanging from a spoon rack. You walk up and you realize the spoons have braille on them. A poem was written on these spoons in braille. This piece was called Love Spoons. I don't know personally why this touched me. I felt it's meaning before I can comprehend it at the moment. *smirk* Taste Love, I wonder how that is like. I carry on the rest of day walking down gallery row, snapping photos here and there.

I make my way down to Eaton Centre. I get lost in The Bay. I was so big. So Very Very Big! I eventually find my way into the mall and I walk about it. Twice, just to get the feel of the mall. Everyone scrambling about to do their Christmas Shopping. I can't even think about Christmas this year, It's going to be so different. I'm going to spend it on my own for the first time in so long. I find my charm and soon after I head out and go to Canadian Tire for picture hanging strips for the other canvases that have yet to be hung. I explore one of my City walks maps soon after. Not before I head myself over the Yonge & Dundas Square to film a bit. I follow my map. I make my way down Victoria St. and I find myself walking by the Massey Theatre. Walk along and end up in St. Michael's Cathedral. Gorgeous. More than 160 years old. Why was I so compelled to go in? Michael is on my Angels whose day I was born on. I'm still looking for those charms. I walk about and make my way home just after I get to the Maple Leaf Gardens, I head on back to Yonge and Dundas and take the subway and street car home. I wait for Frankie for dinner but he ends up working late.
I walk on over the Sobey's across the street and get myself something for dinner and enough for breakfast. Salads and cooked carrots. I eat alone :( but that's okay I know he's a hard worker. There's lots of stuff he needs to wrap up before heading out of town. While he was working away I was video editing a time lapse video of the painting I did while here in Toronto. He comes home, I tell him about my day and I show him the charm that I found. CN tower, ehh I was there. But I do find it really amazing how you just walk out to the streets from where I'm staying and just see it. Right there. In your face! He packs and around 11pm, I got him to paint with me. I have never painted a painting with anyone that wasn't with a teacher. I really wanted to experience this with him. I just asked him to spread around some black paint for the back drop of the art pieces that will go into his bedroom. He goes to bed at 12a. and I stay up to finish the painting. I finish it at 2:15am and wash up by 2:20am and head off to bed. On it I write. To: Frankie, Love SzeYun Lo.