Posts

Showing posts from 2009

Best First Concert Ever!

Image
Me and Chris get to the casino, finding parking was a bit annoying. We walk through the casino only to walk back outside to re-enter the different part of the building. When me and Chris go to our seats he couldn't believe how close were were. I had told him front row! but when the music started and all these girls ran up and blocked my view.. I was like... I'm going up too! BEST FIRST CONCERT EVER! It's the best thing I could ask for in a first concert. front row where I can touch them. I didn't get a rose. But I nearly cried because the emotions were all there. It's great that I got to shake all three of their hands. I ♥ Boyz II Men

If The Tables Were Turned

Someone commented and asked if the tables were turned. What would I do? To be honest you have to realize something about me. I am very much a giver. If my X bf fell for a best girlfriend of mine ( yes at first it would hurt and be weird ) My answer is. WHO AM I TO STAND IN BETWEEN THAT? I'm a Libra. I weight the circumstances. If this will only feel awkward for me, but they come to love each other so much that there maybe a possibility that they are soul mates. Or come to get married, or have something greater than I can ever come to find. WHO AM I? To say they cannot have that? just cause it would be weird for me to see them together. I'm giving enough to always want the person I love to find great love even if it is not with me. I would only disapprove for one reason. If I know if one of the two is disloyal. I will warn the other before they enter a relationship together but I would wish them all the best. I truly would. I'm not trying to break a friendship. I would

Late Night Chats

Yesterday I did not do very much. I posted two videos up. One on my personal account and one on my main one. The Final One for the 2009 year. I spent the night chatting to new friends. Both Canadians. Both with family backgrounds with bad stories. They are far more stronger than me though. That is for sure. I am a badass Yes I am. But here are some of my wishes for everyone for the new year.

My Name Is Dead Person

I don't use my full name a lot of the time when I introduce myself to people because the way I like to have it be called in English sounds like something else in Cantonese. Dead Person. I decided to post this video up because my friend just asked about my name yesterday. Many also wonder why I just don't have an English name. I never applied one to myself because I don't really know what English name would suit me. But I hope this Youtube Video explains somethings about me and my name and some little stories of me and names. :)

Just Let Go!

I'm not talking about myself today. My GB *Chris* seems to lack the ability to fully let go. I understand this, that it's hard but I just don't understand how anyone can continuously dwell and focus a part of their energy towards someone that has hurt them so much. He seems to ask why, why he doesn't have the kind of happiness that the person he's always had interests in seems to have found in someone else that isn't him. He has continuously had interests in these girls who have all ended up breaking his heart. I asked and wondered if he was loving too blindly. That he likes that person so much that he's not seeing all the other signs of their disinterest. I've always had the patience to do this and realized loving blindly only makes you weaker that you are allowing yourself to be hurt. He has to learn to stop looking back and checking in on someone that seems to break your heart every time you see their happiness with someone else which in turn makes yo

Touching

I've been touched today in two ways. ( I mean emotions ) One of my friends earlier in the day text messages me wondering where I've been because I hadn't logged online for a couple of days. This really touched me to know he cared. And that I'm online way too much. LOL. Chris *god bro* asks if I confessed to my crush yet. I said I hadn't. He sends me this song. It basically says in Chinese. The title: Don't be afraid. The Lyrics talk about Don't be afraid love isn't meant to be scary. kind of thing... I love this artist, I had some of his English songs on imeem before myspace bought them out and messed up that account. He has the classical voice which is so rare.

Do You Remember Asian Avenue?

Since starting to do youtube videos, I started to get personal messages / people visiting my blog to chat with me who turned out to recognize me from some where. They couldn't put their hands on it until they mentioned Asian Avenue and I told them what my nickname was. BB_Mouse. I used to be in the 604chat a lot chatting up and meeting new people. Majority was promoting. But I did meet a lot of great people and friends from there that I chat and still friends with till this day. So I decided to ask on youtube if other people remember Asianavenue.com before it turned to asianave.com. If more 604 people recognize me, great because I did lose touch with a lot of great friends who I met on there. I hope to maybe get back in touch to see how they are now doing.

Missing The Other Girlfriends

When I went out with Trev. *The X* . There were two other best buds that he would at the time always hang out with when he wasn't with me. I dubbed them the other girlfriends. ♥ I've come to know they are both really good guys. I've always wondered why they were single and why some girls haven't snatched them up yet. They both have really good qualities about them. But I must say Gordon has always been a sassy one to me. But truth be told, I actually liked that about him. It shows me some kind of personality. *smerk* . Chew.. the other girlfriend. Well I guess they are now my X girlfriends as well. Chew . He has always been such a sweetie. ♥ I miss them sometimes.

I'm Different

I realized as I lay here on my sisters couch that I'm very different but that's okay. I may not be that "want to party and get drunk", or "try that drug", or "explore very many places" type of person... my reason being is that "I'm different." I have always been on the other side of things. I, in my short life, have not made many friends that have always been there for me. I don't even have a best friend. I can't even remember the last time I did. I do say that my X was my best friend but the truth there are even somethings I kept from him. ( not a lot just one or two ) But I eventually told my truth when we broke up. I have always, in a sense, been very much on my own; pursuing art, taking care of family first, taking care of me. I've always been a giver. Sacrificing a lot of "ME" for others' well-being. I never had the chance to get drunk, cause I never had that group of friends to hang and party with. I ne

Think Think & Thinking

I'm blogging from my sisters place and I seem to have been in a train of thought. Of which video to post next since I have so many lined up. When I should really launch project to you via youtube. A number of things keep popping up into my mind. People, places. One thing I have to admit is that in the last four months or so I've been purging a lot of memories of my last relationship. Difficult yet at the same time not so difficult. I can sadly say I can't really remember what happened last Christmas. Actually I'm not sad about it at all. I'm really sick and tired of looking too deep into the past. For some reason a part of me doesn't even want to dwell into the memories of the last relationship. To be honest. I'm to the point of where I believe it was a waste of time. Dwelling too much would be even a bigger waste of time so lets just stop. I chat with my sister about my plans to go for who it is I want to go for. I need to curb my curiosity. I'm not i

Merry Christmas~!

Merry Christmas! I filmed so many videos last night I spent most of my time editing. Why do I video so much? I want to get a lot of what's on my list over and done with. Questions I have to ask and kinda want to know the answers to. Up Coming Videos: My Name is Dead Person . Do You Remember Asian Avenue? . DDBs SBGs & BBGs . Project _ To: You . To: You _ I Love You. How Much Is Too Much ( Make Up )? . What Project To:You Means to me . I worked out for an hour yesterday before I took a shower and now my arms ache and my body is sore. Tonight Christmas Party

Christmas Eve

So different. I know this, that everything is different when you're on your own. You get used to it. You get comfortable. You forget how to give and receive love to a certain point. You save that love for yourself because it makes you stronger that way. I worked out for about an hour today. Thinking and asking from myself to be smarter, stronger and love harder. I received my books and cd from amazon.ca. Leona Lewis' new cd, City Walks Vancouver and a four volume book that was created by one of my teachers I had at the Art Institute of Vancouver. Michael. He was a great teacher, even though he was so relaxed. He encouraged me to just do what I wanted to, to know I tried. That I put myself out there, what ever the project it is I'm trying to do. May it be my clothing line, my own freelance design company, my fine arts. I tried and no one will belittle me for it. Cause it may be more than others can say that have ever done in their lives. These are my life experiences. Am c

Emotions of Dreams

I woke up from a strange dream. I dreamt that I was with DC ( which I don't think would even happen ) I was in a strange world. I ended up going to this house with him and it was strangely owned by gangsters ( Trust me when I say this dream is very strange ) well it was very ghetto to the point where they were extracting drugs from certain plants and drying what ever powder it was they needed everywhere around just on newspapers. ( I thought to myself wow these are horrible drug manufacturers! ) Then all of a sudden we were forced to extract a special mix where some of the elements are from fruits. I didn't want to die by the hands of gangsters no matter how bad they were. I extract it and DC takes the extracted powder and goes into the next room to package it for them. I looked outside to the weather and said to them that they may want to worry about the snow. I asked the lady who seemed to be the god mother of them all weather if they had umbrellas. She laughs at me saying sh

Special Requests

I did something this morning where I just took a deep breath and did it. Too bad it took most of the day to get my reply to little questions I asked. I got the reply during my filming of Comment Comment Time 2 Video. So Thanks DC for doing that. I went to metrotown to meet up with Chris for Christmas lunch. I was in station square and awaiting for his arrival when I saw a member of my roller hockey team. He didn't recognize me at first, but when he took the second look it clicked. He asks if Trevor was inside. I felt awkward I hate talking about it. I say no. He broke up with me. He jokingly says in a comforting way, "That bastard! I'll check him or something next time I play hockey with him." We separate and I await for Chris' arrival. Taking Chris *God Bro* for Christmas lunch. He picked Uncle Willy's. I haven't eating anything since then. I feel the food still in my system. We ate in there. We both have stories where we got sick as kids there and we r

Waking Up Sad

I can barely sleep now. Cause I think so much about everything. My boss' text wakes me up in the morning. I swore I backed up my work yesterday! @_@ I really don't remember. I do it like I go pee and poop now. You just do it, you don't remember when you do it. I don't like waking up sad anymore. It bugs me, I've come to determine that I absolutely hate it! I've let go of enough people that I love. Letting them go because I have to and I have no choice to. I can't force anyone to love me or to be with me. I think of love now and it makes me feel sad. Love officially makes me feel sad.

Decided To Take Chances

I've decided to take big chances in this 2010 year. I'm pushing forward in working on my online portfolio to bring in more freelance work. I will continue to do Youtube videos to promote my art and show the world who I really am. I will blog my heart out because well, it helps me vent. This is basically my diary. except I don't write everything in it. I've built the two other blogs I wanted to, Clever Canary and I'm on the brink of fully launching Project_To: You. I asked for a raise at work and my boss says I definitely deserve it and will be receiving benefits as well this upcoming new year. I hope to paint more, draw more so the rest of my 26th year is filled with more artful adventures. I want to explore my own city more. That's why I purchased the city walks for Vancouver edition. I decided to drop my weight down to 100 pounds. After letting go of one of the greatest guys I've had the chance to come across in my life. ( Toronto Guy ). I realized that re

Deep Thoughts

I know I'm almost back to my usual unhealthy routine of staying up late and being nocturnal. But only because I've been in deep thought. I'm currently outweighing the risks, the possible out comes. Chances. Just woke up not too long ago. Noonish? I cry, feeling like I've been needing to cry for a while. I feel sad. Thinking. Sorting my photos from Toronto. Wanting to burn my photos but I need an early footage from CN tower from Frankie before doing so. I'm currently pushing forward and designing / setting up my project to you blog page. I realized how I should set the whole thing up and feeling that blog style maybe the best way. I can label the messages and what's more amazing that came across my thoughts is that the message can be replied to. So when the writer reads them it will be as though a response from different people and maybe perhaps the one that the message was intended for.

Confessing to Myself

I'm still fighting with it. Letting go of the one I really need to let go of. the question is. Can I? Should I? I'm so confused! sad, yes partly assured and unassured and this songs says it all, it's so beautiful.

Party Till 2 Plus

I went to a friends get together at her condo yesterday to hang. Meeting new people was great. Hanging with strangers that were very much open to rock out! ( we were playing rock band all night ) I opened up with some encouragement from DC. I am very shy when comes to singing in front of people, especially the ones I don't know, but him going first, I followed sometime after. It was a very comfortable environment, I guess you can only have this when you get the right group of people together. Everyone was supportive of everyone else, I guess since most of the people there played hockey, we very much have team spirit. A song that was harder to sing than it seems was "I want you back" by Jackson five. I thought i was going to crash that song. After the party we head out, ( DC, was nice enough to agree to drop me home ) I forget my umbrella and we go back up to the condo to fetch it. Well good thing cause it was raining. We walk side by side under the umbrella chatting. I wa

Missing Him A Little

I'm missing him a little. I spent the most comfortable week plus of my life with him. Such a short short time. A part of me feels like I wanted / should have held him a little more, a little closer and spoke from my heart a little more than from my mind. I miss him. *smiles* I'm watching Jacob (Hoggard) on Much Music. LOL . I'm so proud of him! He's always had this personality aura since high school and now it's just strange to see him on tv, hear him on the radio and everything! I knew there was something about him when I forced him to sign my yearbook. He was destined for big things. this is my 200th post! wow. world, here is my heart.

Thinking About Christmas & New Years

I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind or my heart. The fact that this will be my first year out of many that I will be on my own. Experiencing these joyous holidays. It's strange and sad to say that even though I was in past relationships. I must confess that I can't even say that I've been passionately kissed under a mistletoe or even on new years day. ( I guess I am a romantic ). I've been working away. Setting up 2 more blog sites. One is for my project_to: you. ( haven't set up the blog design ). Another is my "Clever Canary". A company that me and my close friend had wanted to partner and start but she got really busy as she is a work-a-holic. Not to say that I'm not as I'm more of the freelance work and don't mind all that much dealing with personal clients, building on my goals a lot on the side. Anyways. The blog for clever canary I have decided to create for a one stop source of favorites. The best of the best that I've c

♥ Update . Goal Update . Video Update

Image
I've been very Zen the last two days. I woke up this morning and worked out for about an hour before hitting the showers and got ready for work. I've decided that I would like to drop my weight down to 100 pounds. Maybe this way my tummy fat will go away. I just don't want to go get to a point where I'm unhealthy to be there. After the new year I'll be able to go get myself checked out fully. That condition that comes and goes with me has not come back for a while since I have cut a lot of red meat from my diet. Though I don't avoid it all together. I realized chicken is okay. I'm going to be scared though going in by myself with the whole checkup and all. On my own. Maybe it's for the better. The best of the best or the worst of the worse news would be only known by me. Whatever the outcome maybe, perhaps it is better for me to face it on my own. I will be stronger for it, no matter if it has the ability to break me. I think I spoke with this with Mia

Hello Jugo Juice Guy

Well I a lot of the time I get a Jugo juice smoothie in the morning when I haven't eaten anything to curb my hunger and thirst. The one that I frequent once I get out of my downtown station has a guy that works there that I see time to time but I think today is the first time I got his name. Shawn? Sean? which ever one it is. It was nice to meet you. :)

Meditation of Me

I had to let go of the overwhelming emotions. Not only the sickness I was feeling from my bre-lu-din. But returning to what really matters, Me. My dreams, that have now been my goals for so long. Toronto was life changing. It put in line my goals. I visited art studio - galleries there and was like... this is what I dream of. I saw a spaces and just thought, art show. I'm on vacation and I still indulge in the thoughts of my passion. But what set my emotions a stir was Love. like I said before love is a tough tough thing. But this is what I chanted to myself as I sat up in my bed in lotus form and one hand in prayer before my forehead another before my heart, aligned, I breathe slowly in and out. I say to myself the following. Let Go. I breathe for me. I live for my happiness. I live for the love of me. I smile for the love of me. I will pursue my dreams, my goals. I will live life with passion and love. Of me. Align me with the universe. Let me be Free. Let me be happy

You Know

I was awoken by Frankie's text. Letting me know he's landed safely back in Toronto. I already miss everything about him. I'm going to miss the Good Mornings and Good Nights. :( But it's good to have felt and known this love, even if it was for but a small moment in time. It's something you ate when your stomach keeps churning and making noises like it's calling out for help. I can't go back to sleep. I'll try.

The Feelings Of The Heart

I can't shake this feeling now. I'm not heart broken... it's more of a nervous feeling. My stomach feels funny but I think cause I ate too many pot stickers from bubble world. That dipping sauce was weak and gross. I feel like throwing up. I just finished vacuuming and mopping the floors of my level of the house. Just spilled my heart and feelings straight up and up front with Less. and I feel better. Oh LX, where are you when I need to talk to you! ~_~ ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I think my emotional state for the last couple days was my grieving period of knowing what was going to be. I take things as they are. My instincts are always feeling out what about to happen and when they do, it comes as no surprise. But oh how you surprise me Less. How you surprise me. ahhhh shit.

Let Go & Growing

I said goodbye today to a great guy. Letting go of that is hard I must say and I feel like having a good cry. But I'm better for it. Hearing his words of wisdom. I'm going to miss him. His presence, his voice, his aura. I fell in love with you Frankie, for just you being who you are. *smiles* There are lots of things that I've come to already know. So much more to learn. I will be reconnecting with old friends the rest of this 26th year and looking to make many more new ones. I need to place myself out of my element, I'm up for anything. I love myself a lot more to know I need better and have better things in stored. I'm smart, wise and strong. I just need to be smarter, wiser and stronger. In my last post in my last line I said that I have so much love that I need someone on the receiving end. Though this is true, I will for now cycle this love back to me.

Heart Torn

I had a rough night of sleep. Letting the dog in and out of my room in the middle of the night. Not Cool. I took the day off today to rest off the tiredness I've been feeling the last couple of days and a turn of events yesterday night created a heart torn of emotions. All I can really say is Love is a tough tough thing. I wonder why God just can't show you and say. This is who you should be with. Try love with, follow your desires with heart. A confession and question can stir so many unknown emotions and thoughts that now fill my mind. I am smart enough to know that it takes two people to love one another. One sided emotions don't go anywhere. I realized last night that I may have fallen in love. The want to be with him is hard, I pull my emotions back from him because I can't love him entirely just yet, but the fact that I've fallen can't be denied. Perhaps it's the thought that he embodies so much of what it is I need and look for in a guy. But he seems

Dreaming of Happiness

I woke up this morning from a dream I can hardly remember. I remember bits and parts. I remember entering a dark and sketchy store. In the front of the store were glass counters with nice and old antique watches inside them and on top in little containers. The rest of the little shop that reminded me more of a little little motel room were scattered with mattresses. I remember thinking to myself looking and touching the edges of these mattresses if they were used. Gross. I however was not alone in my dream. I did not walk into the this little shop by myself I was accompanying my *Yi Paw* in mandarin that's my grandma's sister. So my second grandma would be the proper translation of that. She looks closely at these watches and as for me, I can care less for the unkempt pieces. She sends me off and about and I head out making my way around a dark and night on the streets of a city. Making my way around a small mall and my way back home. I don't remember where home was and I

Reflecting and Returning To Me

I'm sniffling still as I'm at home. I was quite alright when I was out today. Mother nature clears up my sinuses and HOME just ruins it for me. I wrote Frankie a morning email, to thank him for everything. *sigh* I had to sum up a lot of courage and energy for that and of course I couldn't help to have tears streaming down my face in the process *sigh* when have I become so emotional when confessing my true feelings. I headed out to Metro today in search of a couple of things. I was there to pick up my Boyz To Men concert tickets, find the city walks Vancouver version because I thought, I did Toronto. I hope to return in the summer and do the rest that requires the nice sunny days. The Zoo, The Parks etc. But Vancouver, I've been to a lot of places in Vancouver but I know not everywhere. I walked into Sportschek to look for wall mounts for my snowboard to have them tell me they've never heard of what I'm talking about, I find it odd since it was there where I fi

Running On T.O Time . Time To Let Go

*sigh* I went to sleep last night and was very tired out by 9pm. I woke up at 5am. 12:04pm I'm currently feeling very very sad. I wonder if this is the final hurdle or moving on in every part of me. I'm crying and my thoughts are filled with nothing. I'm feeling very sad and crying over nothing really. How can anyone ever explain this.  I spent yesterday unpacking and coming back to my reality of things. I guess a part of my sadness is that I'm back to all things that stress me out. The moment I stepped off the plane I felt it, the anxiety and blood pressure rising. I'm cleaning out my room again and I know now I need to reach my own enlightenment. I know now from my trip I have the ability to separate my emotions from my actions. But my heart is very much a part of me. It's like I have so much love to give and I feel like I really don't have anyone there to receive or comprehend how much love I really do have. All my closest friends that become a part of

I'm Back Vancouver

Well, It's my first day back officially and I go out with my big sis to Michael's Craft store for her to return and buy some things for her baby room building. We later go to T&T and I tell her bits and pieces of my trip here and there. I tell her how I realized that on my own I'm self sufficient on my own, but I need to be more self efficient. Yes that's it. I need to clean this mess of a room. I had come to the conclusion that I'm just going to donate everything that I don't want / need anymore. What's not a better time than Christmas time to donate stuff animals and toys. I spent most of my morning unpacking and re-folding my laundry to put back in my drawers. There was a pile of unfolded laundry on my bed when I came home last night and random hangings in my closet. I don't feel so well after coming back from going out. I felt like as if I may be coming down with something but I drank a Fuze this morning when I was out to help get whatever vitami

T.O. Trip Day Twelve. Last Day

Image
I wake up this morning and I watch him do his routine of getting ready for work. I soak it in. It's my last day to do so. He's very handsome, I rarely get a chance to see a guy get ready for work in a suit, nicely polished and styling. But it's his spontaneous moments that make me smile, for example when we were at the Science Centre they have these buggy carts that drive about and can give people rides. Well when one drove right past us he started running for it to reach for it. It was SO cute! How he makes me smile. laugh . feel happy. *sigh* why am I sighing?! .. I don't know really. *smiles to myself* I'm waiting for my upload to finish. as I share more of myself with the world. My last day I'm visiting the ROM. I get to the ROM about 12pm and I go and see the Dead Sea Scroll Exhibit. Why? I really don't know why. Seeing a part of something that branched off written word for different religions has to be some kind of significance in some way. Howev

T.O. Trip Day Eleven . Gallery Row, Eatons Centre

Image
I traveled around today first visiting a location I did not find on my first day of exploring on my own because I realized that it was further down then I had wanted to go. I street car down Spadina transferring cars and going down to Gallery Row, Queen Street West. Art + Design District. It was a bad day to hit it up since a lot of the galleries don't run on regular work hours, they are all opened near the end of the week. I think to myself maybe I should have done the research. I went into a couple of galleries any ways even if they were working on the displays for the next upcoming show. I don't care! I'm a fellow artist that's about to leave town. Though I must say I was intrigued and amused at what I did get a chance to see. I saw this one piece that just touched me, it was in the Ontario Crafts Council Gallery area where I saw this one work of art which when you look upon it is simply a display of spoons hanging from a spoon rack. You walk up and you realize the s