Saturday, December 26, 2009

I'm Different

I realized as I lay here on my sisters couch that I'm very different but that's okay. I may not be that "want to party and get drunk", or "try that drug", or "explore very many places" type of person... my reason being is that "I'm different." I have always been on the other side of things. I, in my short life, have not made many friends that have always been there for me. I don't even have a best friend. I can't even remember the last time I did. I do say that my X was my best friend but the truth there are even somethings I kept from him. ( not a lot just one or two ) But I eventually told my truth when we broke up. I have always, in a sense, been very much on my own; pursuing art, taking care of family first, taking care of me. I've always been a giver. Sacrificing a lot of "ME" for others' well-being. I never had the chance to get drunk, cause I never had that group of friends to hang and party with. I never tried drugs for the same reasons and also for the fact that I've had to clean up after people before who've gotten themselves so messed up. I thought I was going to witness them die from over dose because their bodies couldn't handle the drug. Here is my plain explaination of how I think. I don't know if I'm allergic to bees. I have never been stung. I don't know when I do if I can have the reaction of puffing up and dying. But I know I'm not going to stick my hand in a hive to intentionally get stung to find out how the sting of a bee feels. I am one who have seen it from all angles. I see all guys from all angles. Some may read this diary and come to think that I'm wrong in how I pursue or come to love someone. The truth is that I may come to show care and affection towards someone, but giving up my heart comes much more harder that the receiver of my affection believes. I may love "love", but it took my last relationship 2 years+ for me to fully open up and truly love them. I've dated enough to know the qualitities I now look for, even if and when I believe I've found that closest to my definition of greatness and perfection in a guy. ( I experienced this not too long ago ) I'm very much a realist and know that they won't always love me back the same way. As much as I would love for them to, I'm not going to lie and fool myself in holding onto that belief that they would. The bottom line is that I would never lie to myself that way and pursue things so blindly. When it comes to love, if things don't work out, I suck it up and move on. It's the only thing I can do. Exploration however I'm going to do that, finally. Because I'm working hard to treat myself to places and things I've never had the ability to before.

I'm trying to change a lot of things in my life ( a lot in a short amount of time yet day by day ). I'm not going to place myself into unhappiness any longer. I have never knowingly done that but I believe that I'm very much in search for my definition of happiness.
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