Thursday, December 17, 2009

♥ Update . Goal Update . Video Update

I've been very Zen the last two days.
I woke up this morning and worked out for about an hour before hitting the showers and got ready for work. I've decided that I would like to drop my weight down to 100 pounds. Maybe this way my tummy fat will go away. I just don't want to go get to a point where I'm unhealthy to be there. After the new year I'll be able to go get myself checked out fully. That condition that comes and goes with me has not come back for a while since I have cut a lot of red meat from my diet. Though I don't avoid it all together. I realized chicken is okay. I'm going to be scared though going in by myself with the whole checkup and all. On my own. Maybe it's for the better. The best of the best or the worst of the worse news would be only known by me. Whatever the outcome maybe, perhaps it is better for me to face it on my own. I will be stronger for it, no matter if it has the ability to break me. I think I spoke with this with Mia a couple years before she died. We conversed about if we found out we were dying, would we tell people. I remember saying to her that I probably wouldn't, if it was too late to fight it. I would let everyone live their lives happily and fully because it'll hurt less when the time came. Since her death, I don't know if that statement I said was correct or not. Barely anyone knew she was losing the fight to cancer, she didn't want everyone to know. Though I did cry at her funeral, I sat there and wondered about all the little hints I never got when she was alive. Just how much she wanted me to play hockey with her on her last physical able year. To go on that Disney Land Trip, to hang at Hansen's birthday. I think about this and this makes me tear. I keep my friendster account still just on the sole fact that she was the last person to leave me a message there. I find it amazing how the one arena that I scored all my goals in roller hockey was the one where I taught her how to shoot the puck. *sigh* I miss her. *tear*
The thing with me is. I know I don't necessarily need to be with someone. It would just be nice to. I've spent time by myself before, being solely on me. Finding what I'm all about. I did. I became comfortable and it was only then through that year was when I opened up and realized how I should avoid how to be and how I should just be myself regardless. It's been hard for me. There are great guys in my life that I've come to know. One has filled my mind for a couple months has filled my mind the most in the years, he still dwells in the back of my mind. He has been the hardest to let go of. That thought of how great would it be to be with that great guy. How special they had made me feel when they weren't even with me. How much more special would I feel if I were. To never know that makes me feel regret for not even trying. The fact I can't try, is what breaks my heart the most. I will need let go. I just liked him for so long. Coming to slowly know him more and more. Dating other guys and he still crosses my mind (that's what bothers me). I know there are lots of fish in the sea. I KNOW THIS. people don't have to tell me this. But in reality it is so rare to come across a guy that is purely so great in my eyes. I've only known of...three? two? I will try my best to let go of these feelings towards this person. Open up my eyes to the ones around me. Focus my thoughts. I have to get this out of my system. There is no one else I talk to that fully understands what I'm talking about. Cause they can't because they don't live in my heart or my brain. I can't even write it out what I'm trying to say. I'm tired and I should get to sleep. work in the morning. I'm going to take it easy for a while as I clear my mind away from being with someone and just being. Even though the emotions are killing me. I have to do this. Letting go of great guys that come into my life seems to be a thing this last half of the year. Maybe I've just lost so much of me I should just stop. stop expecting anything anymore or from anyone. especially with love. ( How can I do or say this?! I will feel like I'm losing faith! >_< ) I'm returning to self dependency (where to be honest, I've always have been, just more now ) so there will be no disappointments.


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