Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy Boxing Days

Well let me sum up the last two days for you, On Friday, the boyfriend came to pick me up around late afternoon. He let me drive to Richmond and back to Vancouver. The store he wanted to go visit was closed. See, I've learned over the years to control my emotions - A cool cat in situations. It's not that I don't care, it's I don't see why I should waste energy through certain ways. One fills their life with drama because they may love the scattered emotional highs of different situations. Me, I learned scattered energy is not always the best thing. Focus on what you need to do and want to do the things you need to do. Don't focus on their problem, focus on yours. Be happy for others and wish them happiness. If you want the best for others, the best will be bestowed onto you. Smile at others and let them go on their merry way. Don't focus your mind on useless things.

Christmas present I got from the boyfriend was - Despicable Me Movie and Davidoff - Cool Water Perfume. Both things I wanted :) Nice. Not much but see me and the bf had celebrated 6 months not too long ago. We went to go eat at The Boat House, So Good!

The best food I've probably eaten ever. My Gift to Ry was a Poster of his car, on poster board and some copies on vinyl. His Christmas gift was a watch winder for his baller watch and 2 dragonball animated movie sets. I got a ps3 for anniversary and little big planet, some movies and games. Since the anniversary and Christmas is in the same month most of our things are all jumbled together. I didn't mind.

Christmas eve dinner was pretty awesome - His mom put together a plate for us and it was nice and something I didn't really expect. The knocking on his bedroom door and this plate of delicious food couldn't be turned away. Probably the highlight of this holiday was that. I guess I'm like a guy - if food is the way to my heart.

Christmas morning I woke up - we ate what was left over from the feast from last night - which I didn't mind. But since Ry had to work that night - I went to spend Christmas with my sister. However - her family fell sick with the stomach flu - I slept over - and then the next day I went home and found I caught the flu and had been fighting off for most of earlier this week.

I don't know what it is really. Perhaps the fact that I spent most of this holiday sick. really feels no different than last holiday. No - I feel a little bit more lonely this holiday. See - I had a date on new years eve last year - and I did spend last year with the family. But things just aren't the same. Maybe I'm just not used to it just yet. Even now when I'm with someone - sucks when on the holidays I get that feeling that - I'm not. I understand they are working. They have bills to pay. I'm just not used to it. I had hoped that this year's holidays from Halloween to ending of 2010 and starting of the new year would be awesome. But it hasn't been. I still feel I'm learning more to be independent. Like signs from God.

I wake up a bit upset this afternoon ( since I didn't wake up till 2-3pm. ( my schedules been thrown off wack since I got sick and parents got sick and all that ) I had a random dream with him in it. I had not dreamt of Trev in a long time. I guess I had thought my mentality had been kind to me - till now. Well he wasn't a big part of my dream. I saw him there, but it was in a car. I was on a motorcycle heading over to see Chris and John. I wake up and remember and the thought - almost all the places we once shared are now gone. God took them for a reason. No turning back.

2011 is to start soon. It's going to be heavy. More work, longer hours, more pay. More paintings too. I've been working on getting my website back up. It's been kind of stressing me out. It's late. Tomorrow is new years eve. I am feeling a bit sad. and I'm going to watch some movies now. G'nite.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Putting Up A Future

On Thursday I finished up the 6 canvas' and sprayed on the clear coat the seal them. Just in time for DJ to come and get me to go help me out and get them up. I wanted to keep it from the rest of the world where these are going up like a surprise. I had a strange feeling that I had to get these paintings done and up like some kind of recognition that this all is not in vain. That my life was not all in vain. I am living on a time limit. I only have so much time left to set up a series of events to alter and create the very thing that may define - ME. I finish the "Return To Me" series, only to imagine and start anew art series. One more beautiful in my minds eye and I can only pray that it physically manifests into something greater. I can only imagine and hope for a great art show at the end. When I was putting the finishing last strokes onto these paintings, I'll be honest, I was on the verge of tears. Thinking about how beautiful they were becoming, thinking - would they embody such emotions if I didn't go through what I needed to the last year and a half? Would it embrace urgency if I wasn't in the mind frame of - I'm dying? - I guess I simply started to believe that - painting was clearly the therapy that I needed all along. It is the clarity of the artwork that was not presenting itself to me - the heartaches fueled the emotional - Love cleared the mental blockage. Love from family, friends, and loved ones, love for myself. Through love I found the strength. See - I think that's the only thing that strangely keeps me sane - knowing that I'm loved regardless. I know someone loves me. Who am I to say who loves me? I have no position to. My family, Old love, New Love, Friends? I rarely feel in the sense of panic anymore, because I'm in the circle of safety. I clearly see who should stands beside me, who will hold me up to see me succeed, who doubts me, who clearly has a good enough heart and faith, and those that just don't deserve to be in my circle at all. My mind is just currently in the right - Mentally, Financially, Artistically. I have the strangest feeling that things are just falling into place.

Here's the series of "return to me" - all at once for you from canvas one all the way up to the final. I realized that some Canadian tire store logic - doesn't make sense. I had to walk into near the entrance of the car area side of the store to find Christmas cards. The Picture hanging frame stickers that I was looking for that I got in Toronto, only found one pack when I was looking for 4. And I had to go with double sided adhesive ones. I hope they stay up. It would be embarrassing if they did fall.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hello, beautiful mess

Hello, beautiful mess
For someone with 2 hours of sleep- I'm feeling pretty awesome.

Although not all things are working out as the day started to. It's okay cause they are going to get done. Things are on my list for a reason. Things happen for a reason. I watched two videos before my lunch and theses are. Do what you love and do it. Argue- but get it over and done with and make up your mind and just - leap.

The guys next door in the new office set up come and go. I see them looking in the window and one said hi to me as I walk back to my office from the washroom. I said hi back to be nice to the white guy in suits. - I love guys in suits.

I could go to a get together tonight but the parents made a request for me to be at home. I have the rest of the week off. What am I going to do? Work- personal stuff that is. Portfolio. Photos. Setting up more stuff on the comp. Posting videos up.

I had lunch today with people at work. The bosses - my boss and the other company we share the office with and the co workers and boss. We ate at Kirin and wow - so much food but so good! And it wasn't dim sum. Dessert was not a pass though. Not with this food lover. Sorry. Before when we were waiting to be seated, my boss tells asks me with a suggestion. Of coming in an hour earlier. So means I work 8-4. Those are rough hours. Which means I have to stick to the 5 am wake ups. Gods way of saying... This is what you need- ? I used to love the early wake up. I'm functioning on 2 hours of sleep and I feel awesome. But I guess cause there's the eating right and working out thing. I am happy. Perhaps this extra hour- and with the pay raise with the new year- is setting things into place. See- 4pm off work leaves me a lot of time. And if I start to synch my phone to work- a lot more things can probably get done faster. (maybe) why am I thinking of getting an iPad. Life sets up things up for you, when you set up what you want from life. And if you're wreckless with your life and not responsible for the longest time- god also has a way of smacking you in the face to set you in your place. Grow up - or wow your growing... Here this is the time for this... And new opportunities arise. Maybe it's that simple. I way he'd this video from my friends blog - the greathness mind. How we - if we want to accomplish anything we really want to- just produce and keep doing it. Learn, learn, learn. The ones that make things and succeed is because they dare to push the boundaries- they fight the lizard brain of- work, eat, sex... Repeat. I fight the lizard brain all the time! Cause I'm always designing something new to push the limit to create something different. There's the freedom and timidness when I create. How to I turn a shut site into something that will blow the clients mind. So much so it fucks them up. Lol- I don't me it messes them up. But that's how I think now. I'm going to create something that will fuck you up! Cause it's so awesome that it's that insanely good.

Although life can get messy. I cannot relinquish how beautiful it's becoming. I can't wait to share my artwork. :)

I think the world is ready for me.

2 hours of Sleep.

2 hours of Sleep.
But that's okay. I spent the night painting. While my Bf works, and everyone slept. I finished my six piece painting. I changed my original concept for pure pandas. I just couldn't get the girl to work to my full advantage so I think I'll save her for something else. I painted my pandas and then on my fifth panda I realized I wasn't recording! Sucks. But I guess life goes on . I wake up this morning with a little dreading cause of the little sleep I had but I showered put on perfume and my clothes since today is lunch !!! :) and I'm listening and singing to Bruno Mars as I walk to the bus stop and looked up at the beautiful sky. It wasn't vanilla but a bright white shining through the clouds. I have a biggest feeling of. Life's so good right now. I guess it's the knowing I have great friends. Creative, talented and supportive. My back hurts and I hurt my ankle on the bus. Basically I was stepping up on the back, the bus moved and my foot slipped and I banged my other ankle on the ledge of the step.
I'm hungry. Oh - I bought brown rice to eat and turns out my mom opened it to make congee with it. Interesting I did however got to replace the white rice last night for brown rice. Loved it.
Anyways I wonder what's next. I got to get the write ups from people. I have to take picks of my daily life. Send them in to VIA. I have to finish my website too.
Well I'm gonna put on makeup the rest of the trip to work on the skytrain.
I hope tonight goes well!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Feeling It

Feeling It
I'm feeling a lot of things at the moment. Back pain, bloating cause aunt flows preparing herself for some grand entrance.

I'm currently listening to Beyonce and she's just amazing! Wow.

Boyfriend was being very sweet yesterday till this morning. Well he's very sweet a lot of the time really. But as he held me as I was playing little big planet while he slept. It was - humbling - and to think of the things we have been through together in a short amount of time.

Many dejavu's are happening in a sequence of different subjects that I don't know if I should act on as I saw in my dreams or will things change? Because I'll change it. What happens if we believe we change our future as we see them. But then the alternate outcome has been foreseen as well.

I was on the verge of tears. Placing myself in the 'I'm dying' state of mind. I was starting to imagine my funeral. Who would come. From in and out of town. If any- at that too. And the unexpected ones. That you never thought would come to pay their respects. It's heart breaking and fascinating at the same time.

Works been harsh the last two days working through lunch, basically me shoving things into my mouth in hopes to finish everything on the list. I've pushed out 12 different tasks each day for a number of different clients. Maybe even more. My day ended today with a web design. Which I'll continue tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day! Lunch with one of the bosses we share offices with and my boss. Tomorrow's when I'm going to the art store with Dj then putting up the canvases . I don't know if I'll attend a buds dinner get together considering my back is killing me. Wait- I think the dinner is tomorrow. Wow priority calls.

I keep thinking of my Artshow. I wonder who would come. I dreamt of it once. Foreseen it. Till then I guess.

I'm seeing more paintings - visions that is. Things to be moving at a fast pace. No slowing down for those that are living with a time limit. I have to start working out more. My body feels like if I don't, it isn't strong enough to push through to all thing things I need it to. I need to take care of my heart again. Doesn't matter if I'm still as thin this whole year, if I'm to face the upcoming events in the next few months. There should be no laziness from anyone in my circle. Time ticks on. Some of us are living just to die. But I feel like I'm dying to live. To prove myself that I'm not a robot. I never feel like that though. Just a robot. I guess cause I love what I do. I get paid to design

Monday, December 20, 2010

Relapses Suck

Relapses Suck
For the longest time I was feeling so good. Tiny symptoms come back. I told SJ and advised I should work out and just keep at it.

Bf stayed over the weekend at my place. He arrived in the afternoon of the night before where I had finished the 6 piece panel background. We had dinner at a near by restaurant called the Chili pepper house. And then the next morning we went for dimsum and an attempt at Christmas shopping for his parents. But Ry likes to do his research before purchasing anything. I went looking for a jewelry rack cause mine is non existent since moving. And now I'm looking for a jewelry box or looking into building one. Ry thinks I should just buy one. But things out there just don't have enough to hold my collection of awesome earrings. I got my closet extension where it allows me to attach an other row below my existing hanging rod. So I have two tiers. At least I was somewhat. I video edited as the boyfriend slept. He sleeps a lot.

I'm a little annoyed this morning at translink. Ok- I misses two busses initially. That's my fault. Than I decide to walk up a few blocks to catch the adjacent bus. That one passes a minute earlier than it should by the stop. I was 30 seconds away. Then I return to my normal bus line. Ok I'm early for the next bus. I walk up a couple more blocks. I hit a stop at 8:15 and text the time to see at what time the next bus comes. The time says 8:29. I'm decide that is more than enough time to walk to the next stop. Then as I make my way to the next stop at 8:18 the bus passes by me. I was pissed!! What kind of bus system comes 10mins early? Wait they are not only early they are late and rarely on time. ( I think The bus systems should just be more often. Every 15 mins. ) I walk along the bus stopping road and I miss another adjacent bus. And then I just decide to walk to the bus station it took 30 mins. I'm really upset at the total amount of busses I missed today which is in turn gonna result in me being late for work. Oh well. I thought I would totally be on time today. But life just works in mysterious ways.

Anyways - there's another thing that is bothering me. I originally wanted to set up the website for my god brother and his church. But then some guy said clearly made it clear that- that maybe nice of me but my services are only designing. I relinquish that nice gesture and design the site and sliced it and sent it off to be coded into a full functioning site. And then as I completed this site and handed it over, my god brother returns to ask how to make the site design live. I told him a few ways and asked to ask their developer. He replies with a laugh and said - who might that be? - I'm sorry but if my talents and services are offered and I feel like I was offended by the clear gesture when a guy who was in the tone of 'putting me in my place.' I gave what was simply asked of me and then you come back for help - how am I supposed to feel? Sorry? Should I be willing to help- again?

I hope to finish my canvases this week.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


My thoughts are all over the place and the last thing I need from anyone is be-littlement from anybody. Especially hard when I feel it from the significant other.

I find myself looking in to Condenser Mics and audio recording equipment. Gadgets. I got to figure out how I can set up some things on the new comp. Such as my camcorder. Considering it can be used as a webcam for pc's. My design programs aren't working. So I'm trouble shooting at the time. My macbook's filled with files I have to convert. I still have to produce the music for the next two songs to push out as youtube videos. I need to clear the space on the comp in order to film the remaining last two - three videos.

What's in store for tomorrow, I really don't know.
I need to build my jewelery rack / holder.
Put up the christmas tree.
set up the guestroom. move some book selves. ( That's if I can )
Move out some of the renovation tools into the storage room.

There's nothing more than that. It's going to be interesting tomorrow.

I'll be honest, I'm feeling a bit upset at the moment. There's really no helping it. I'm going to make a list of what I really want before I die. And how I go about accomplishing them before I do.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Death Date

Death Date
No, this isn't about suicide - but it is about death. Me and my bud last night made a plan. As one of D_Meths projects is coming to an end. Mine will begin with a directed painting every week. My question is how I use everyone In the crew to an advantage. By the end of these 15 weeks and we switch back to the producing music thing. I suggested we look at our final date that was want to accomplish it all by is mid April. Instead of looking at this as a due date. We need to look at it like it's our death date. That - that's when the doctor told you- you were dying. So everyday till then your life is going to majorly change. No- there is no treatment, your cancer is in it's final stages so treatment won't help. So what would you do? You re-align your goals. Tell the ones you love you love them and let go of any grudges and and you start to love differently. spend time with people more. You think about- who should you tell- who you need to tell- who shouldn't really need to know. How do you break it to family? Friends? - do you email them? Facebook it? Call them? To tell them you're terminal- or let some people live their happy lives because it will be that much easier. Have you left enough of a mark that when it's your time you've touched more than just your family, or a handful of people. These thoughts were with me last year when I got sick. Showing almost all the signs of a certain cancer- only one or two not being prominent. Symptoms that drain you. Of your energy, feeling pains everyday, the coming and going of other symptoms. All these experiences have changed me- how I do things. How I love, who I love, and the choices I make. I told my friend as we sat there that when you feel like you're dying and all signs point to the fact that you just maybe- everything in you changes. The person everyone thinks that knows you a year ago, Won't know you after this. It bears on your soul, heart, and mind. You start to wonder what you have accomplished and what you still need to. You enjoy your days- you find little things more beautiful. You say thank you more. You connect more. You try to find more time. You may sleep less. Start your days earlier. You surround yourself with different people. You take different chances, risks, because - let's face it- you're dying anyways. You tell those you always wanted to tell that you love them. Because who doesn't want to know they are loved. You let go - and you find out what you seem to hold onto.

You want to make your legacy- I started mine a little over year ago. My mind was fully in that state that - I'm dying. My friend leans forward to tell me that if anyone tries to ever write a biography about him that I need to stop them. Cause not even one person can do that. I lean forward in my seat and said- why do you think I started blogging? This is my personal diary- to journal the days of my life - or a year ago- the remaining days of it. No one else is telling my story but me. From my heart, and mind and hands. That's the reason I encouraged him to start a blog. It's not really about who's reading this. Is the fact you are expressing yourself, telling your truth. How others interpret your life is something you can't control. But you can in your time try to show your true self as much as possible. Do as much as possible to leave something for more than your name- but something that says your worth. You die tomorrow and what have you left behind? Don't spend all your money- or build a debt or that's all that you would be leaving. I said to him that is exactly what I'm now trying to work out- my worth. Because I have no idea what I am worth to people or the world. Those paintings in my sisters collection can start at the selling cost of 800$ - when I become more notified- that 800 can turn into 8000, to 80,000 to 800,000 to 8million dollars. I - in my lifetime may never discover the worth of me. Just how much I am valued at. But who's to say when I'm dead. Who's to say 5 years from now. I can't but I can say in the next few 15 weeks. I'm going to continue and live stronger - just cause I know I'm dying. It may not be in April. But I know what I want.

I need to complete my 6 canvas series.
I need to finish my online portfolio.
Re-build my print portfolio.
Create a painting a week.
Continue YouTube
Continue blogging.
These are my projects.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The days begin

The days begin
It's somewhat of a beautiful morning. Spent two days with the bf and had one of the best dinners I've ever had for our anniversary dinner. The bf took me to the boathouse. It was so good! I love good food and theirs was just fantastic! They even gave us complement dessert to celebrate the anniversary! I was so full already but some how found room for this delicious delight! The food was so good I was on the brink if shedding tears! As I sat there and ate I realized I enjoyed the - dressing up and going somewhere nice to eat. And I thought if that was what was missing before. Enjoying ourselves and great food. Bf says it's too bad that I was never really taken out to enjoy such things - it is unfortunate but he took the initiative to do it which is nice. Bf got me a ps3 for anniversary and I got him a few copies of his car printed on poster board and some on vinyl. A picture that was taken for the upcoming feature thats going to be in a car magazine. We should really clear room for it to put it up. He picked his favorite out of it, which was my favorite too. Bf got me an extra controller that came with little big planet which got me smiling. I had hope to be able to play the game again since the second one is coming out, but it was a game I enjoyed playing and had to give it up during the split.

I have a meeting tonight - which after I hope to paint. But I have to clear my computer again - My laptop fills easily with every video that's filmed for the time lapses. I'm on my last two canvases and I'm a bit nervous finishing it. I hope to have the piece up Before Christmas if that's possible.
I had to re-install the programs on my Pc. I don't think it installed right so I might have to do it again tonight.
I'm getting a bit upset that it's just not working.

I have to prep for a bit of upcoming stuff. It's time to let myself daydream

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Skytrain Delights 1

Skytrain Delights 1
I love vanilla mornings and the day is just beginning. I'm dressed up with flats and the heels are in my bag. Lugging my bf's present around. I hope he likes it. My stomach is starting to hurt again. I guess I've been in the green so much now a days when sick days come I'm blah... Either that or I'm getting my period. But that ended not too long ago. I really don't know why I'm calling this skytrain delights.
Yesterday I came up with a thought- what happens if we dream our dreams ( the ones we feel are so real ) . We remember for a moment after I waking and they fade. What happens if that fading is only a stage of it manifesting into reality. That the fade is a process it must undergo for it to happen.
I had a dream once I woke up from my bed with my husband cooking pancakes for the kids. I used to remember their faces so clearly - but I'll be honest to say it's fading. I remember almost everything but their faces and I wonder it's because I'm meant to forget as that future is now manifesting into reality? And then there's a part of me that wonders. Maybe I'm forgetting them because I'm letting go of the idea that I'll ever get married or have babies. I hope that's not the case. I'd love to actually see my babies one day.
I've been having a lot of Dejavu's lately. One instance was with my new monitor as I was pulling it out of the box. Another instance was when I... I forget. But I remember saying dejavu about three times in this month alone.
Maybe dreams are meant to be forgotten, the moments that that are yet to be our reality. The ones we remember change our lives and life goals. The nightmares- let them remain nightmares.
I was asked to get a blurb about myself. Maybe ask someone who knows and loves me. Then I hit a brick wall. I start to really wonder. Who do I know well enough that knows me and my art to write about me. Who really knows and loves me? My sister? my boyfriend? Friends in my creative family? And then that doubt sets in from previous experience this week to question if I am loved. of course I am. But one always wonders. Who do I ask? All? Or just one person?
I wonder if and when you really want something- Is it that easy to just ask for it? Just ask how. People will be intrigued that you're striving to and help. People aren't one to watch someone reach success, but they don't mind helping them get there. Being a part of someone elses' goal.
I've ignored mine for long enough.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Happy 6 Months

Happy 6 Months
I'm writing this to remind myself that Good moments should be better than one sliver of doubt. The understatement of where my heart lies is not your choice but mine. Your doubts are not mine.

I love ...
His eyes when they meet mine. How he holds the door open for me. How he reaches his hand over the dinner table as we wait for our food. How he holds my hand when he drives. - How he holds my hand anytime. The little sigh he makes when I hug him, when he makes it clear he'd like a hug. How cute his feet are. How much more social he is than me. When he let's out funny noises Randomly. How he sings commercial radio songs out loud. How he picks me up with ease. When he tells me little facts. When I don't know something I'll ask him, and he'd answer intelligently. The memories we have already made.

I can't believe it's been 6 months already.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Is it Strange?

Is it Strange?

Is it strange that I love taking transit sometimes? The sight and sounds. Smell not so much. The grind of the track, the shakes and sways.

I was watching this show once with the millionaire matchmaker. She said- if they don't say I love you in the first six months, consider moving on. I wonder if this is true. That one should. Then I question- do I have too much love that it just doesn't add up sometimes. Should I stop. I don't know if I'm in the good or the bad. Like the day, the feeling, that breathlessness won't come anymore. I'm I wanting more than just the norm. I don't do default. Boyfriend said I'm high maintenance. Is this true? Maybe I'm asking too much from him? Am I giving too little. I didn't tell him that kinda hurt me. I tend to believe I don't ask for much. I don't complain when it's not needed. Maybe the perception of myself is not as fantastic. He kind of complains more than I do. Things I know he knows that he shouldn't really be complaining about. Now I wonder do I hold back for asking anything ? Ignore this statement? I'll most likely let it go.

Is it strange that I want to forget and start over again. That's I once believed I loved someone. Is it strange that I fell in love with more than one person? Would it be strange if I didn't tell them anymore that I miss them- not just them- anyone? Is it strange that my heart says I love you. And my voice no longer wants to speak it cause they never say a word? And then it slips my lips- and I get nothing in return. I always doubt 'us'. I never want to doubt - ever - not with love again.
I doubted when i saw no effort. I doubted when I ate with him. I doubted when I was in that city. I doubted when he squeezed me in his arms. I doubted when I was on that beach. I doubted when he said wanted nothing more. I doubted when my lips met his. - so much doubts with them. But they are not you. Is it strange if I wonder - if they doubt about me and them? - time passes and I wonder for a moment if they realize that they had fallen in love with me after the fact of their doubts - silently they keep that to themselves. They look in time to time on me- and not say a word. Even I will never know of their love for me. They miss me- and I will never know- and in turn I will never tell them - that I miss them too.

But my love returns to me. My words escape my heart and I draw them back. Unforgotten of heartache and breaks. I throw away doubt when they arrive like junk mail. I strive for success as I'm surrounded in failure. I want to be a power couple with the person I love. I want my children to know that their parents have strived for extra in what life has presented them in their lives. That nothing is impossible. I want to lead my kids by example. Not just push the pressure to be successful on them. I don't ever want my kids to cut my dreams short, or they will feel it. But they will know that they were one of my life goals. That they were wanted. I have my own goals. I want them to pursue happiness, because so many have failed in the pursuit of happiness as they chased the numbers and riches. Money is good- but happiness is better. Any monkey can make money- making it and loving what you do - is smarter than the average man who chases the trail just to pay the bills. Everyone has bills. Money will always be made and lost. What you feel during that time is time you will never get back. I rather lose my time to happiness.

I'll never forget that I loved you. It was time well spent. There should be no doubts now.

Friday, December 10, 2010

The Pain

The Pain
Well the summary of my weekend. Friday-after work, I met up with DJ who fed me. He bought a whole bunch of food from T&T and it was fantastic. After than I Then that night rolling over to Saturday - I worked on restoring one of my clients site that was hacked. It was so rough, structure re-building is rough! Then later on that night I wanted to end it painting but I didn't have enough gigs on my computer- two series of painting the 6 piece footage took up a lot of space. I had to clear it, move it, or publish and delete some stuff. I also had to create the beat for the footage. Which I ended up passing out doing. Sunday- I went out to have breakfast with my friend Ben. I hadn't seen him forever and it felt nice to sit and talk to him and find out about his crazy girlfriend. I've been hearing stories about crazy girls. On Facebook my friends have been also posting vids about how individuals feed the poorest of the poor. Even when they don't have income coming in - that's their job. Awesome people around the world to do this. Then I come to think how can you create something that will generate good food to people ratio. A farm? Sponsorship? Later that day on Sunday I went to go see my sister and baby Ethan. He danced with me again, and I was playing a dancing game. He seemed to like fatboy slim songs and beastie boys. He also bit me pretty hard. Love bites- I do it too. I am trying to see if he could get up on his own, I reach out my hand to him just a bit out of reach so he reaches out to me as well. He yells at me with a little AHHHHH! To tell me he's frustrated with me being so far as for me to come closer. He's walking so much now, it's amazing to watch him. Communicate and walk. How he calls out to mom and dad. - I go home to paint and film my third canvas.

Monday - I went to work, and after wards the boyfriend picked me up and we went to go pick up my monitor. I was talked out of getting anymore till boxing day.

I spent time with the bf a lot this week. Just till yesterday. Well I guess I've seen him this whole days off. I worked, watched movies, got my programs.

Tuesday I don't remember what I did really. Did I work? I know I finished DJ's set of sketches in the Wednesday. I was downloading and trying to figure our the system for my site for my portfolio. Nothings really working.

Yesterday I got into work early- worked and got off early. Boyfriend picked me up. We went back to his place and he slept for a bit as I watched movies and tried to figure out my website. That evening he drove me home. I did a bit of laundry as I painted the washroom, and a work tabletop. As I was painting it I was thinking what I could add that made the edge seamless. I'm putting the downstairs together and I hope the efforts won't go to waste. I have no idea where to put all my brother's stuff that's everywhere. Random places - mom seems to be going through stuff here and there. Her hoarding picking up again but it really isn't something for me to stress about. I'm thinking about how to set up the computer table. I'm thinking how to sand the cabinets downstairs and paint it. Dad wants to keep the wood but the birds have damaged the cabinets and I can't seem to convince him for me to change it. I brought home my monitor yesterday and he can't believe I'm buying more stuff. I think he should ask before saying anything. I don't say anything to him out of respect when he brings stupid things home. I chatted on Facebook after I finished painting the table top with cousin Bruce. I should go visit the babies and Michelle soon. After that I went to my room to research more on my site. And developing it. I haven't had many meetings this week. I wonder what the rest of the crew is up to. I sing a bit before going to sleep. Practicing . Always.

Friday, December 03, 2010


I wonder sometimes is it worth it. It's hard now to be in a relationship and keep my head up to believe we are going to be just fine- I'm jaded - I really don't know what to believe anymore. I'm starting to believe the train wreck break up fucked up my perceptions. It re-aligned my goals but in the process - suspended my emotions and self worth. My emotions are so scattered now- yet I know that I should pull them together to do my art. It's the only way. Or I'd really mentally lose myself. Strange yesterday when I heard some news about the ex's baby being due in January - I'll be honest to say I did feel sad. It's that thought again that I just didn't have what it takes with him. Then I start to doubt that even have what it takes at all. That - that happiness won't come for me - ever. I then wake up to remind myself- I should never think I'm not worthy of anything. Cause it's not true. I re-evaluate the great guy I'm with- who's done so much to support and help me in a span of close to six months - he makes me smile every time I'm with him. Gives me the shivers that I thought last year was impossible to ever feel them again. - I re-evaluate where I am socially - and I'm seeing more friends in a week now - my goal was once a week ( petty loner ) and has expanded to seeing 3 different friends a week. I'm not used to this just yet- but it is draining sometimes. I'm still coping. I'm juggling that and starting to really invest in myself more and more. And doing random jobs. I need to re-focus. And strange how when I was painting last night and I felt it was then my mind doesn't wonder that much. It is then I'm in the moment thinking of the next mix of colors, the right positioning. Envisioning the six piece as a whole, and separate entities. I spent around 5 hours painting last night - filming it too of course. That was all I thought about. And when my brain started to wander it was quick to return to the art that I'm doing. My friend saved me yesterday without knowing - saving my emotions from bobbing out onto unknown territory. All he texted me was - "you the bestest." - it was all I needed.

I really wish there was a memory removal thing - because it would make so many people get over and forget so many things and save their emotions and time. Yes it would be a time saver.

Let's just say this- there is no point looking back- because when you do - you're not going anywhere- you're stationary. You're not progressing and you cannot go back. Don't look back - life's too shot to stay still. I'm trying my best- to move forward. As I'm doing so- I am painting, singing, dancing, producing, laughing, loving my way there and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes it's blogs like this that bring me back. There is no time like right now. Because - I'm beautiful, talented, smart. In all honesty ... Have all those who have crossed paths with me - met someone like me? I really hope not- or I'd have some tough competition.

Thursday, December 02, 2010


Anyways I don't have much to blog about. Had one of the best sleeps I've had this week. By myself that is. I had a meeting yesterday with SJ and went home after- worked out - downloaded some stuff for the computer which ended up short circuiting my whole basement when I turned it on. Then again I had the heaters going. I realized I have to move my computer to be closer to my art area for when I film my art time lapses. It would be ideal to Keep it as is but sometimes life says pick. I passed out researching more layouts on how my new portfolio should look like. I think I have one but uncertain and looking for more. Is it that difficult to look for already made templates I can just custom alter. If I could write the code for a total custom design I would but I need it to function flawlessly. Right now it's like I have no resume to go with what it is I do. I have a rough idea of how I want my print portfolio to be. I just have to look for my hardware now. I have to put away another 200-300 to get the new portfolio printed.

Yesterday was the first time ever I worried in a long time when I purchased my bus pass that I didn't have enough money in the account- well just that account since I only keep up to 200$ in my cheaquing account. But I was safe cause I had transferred money earlier last month.

I'm just not into blogging today maybe later. I hope tongi home tonight and just paint. Flush out a vision.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Feels like Forever

Feels like Forever
Since I blogged that is. The days seem shorter now. Meetings at the beginning of the week and I feel like I don't want to see anyone anymore for a while. Considering I used to be a major loner. Really. I'm still grasping around the fact that I'm juggling all this. I don't even have kids yet or my own place. Ohh I should put on make up.
Crap I don't have a mirror. I'm now thinking I should be more organized in my room. So earring holder and bracelet holder and necklace holder. A part of me is ready to pack up the vinyls and KH models but they are still too awesome to me to let them just sit in a box. I have a lot of cleaning to do. Around my work area.

Monday I had a meeting with Chris and a few of his friends. And John was there and some familiar faces but it was more a friend hanging out event but business was involved. Yesterday I had a meeting with a friend of a friend that work for primeamerica. Their retirement plan thing looks a bit - good Hahha. Mind debates. I thought I was meeting someone who needed a logo or something. What a bit of a waste. I have a meeting later on tonight. I am going to be honest to say I have no idea how people do the networking thing and all that jazz. I get exhausted. I guess cause I'm the kind that gives a lot of energy off when meeting someone. A lot of focus has to be there or I just walk away. Like yesterday when I was at memory express. Boyfriend was talking to them about my monitor and I just didn't feel like sticking about. I wanted to look at stuff. I picked up my new comp, yet I'm not feeling that satisfaction I thought I would. Is it cause I don't have the monitors? My keyboard and mouse. I want the other comp to be functional- considering I have files on there and design programs. Now I have to look into getting new programs and such for the new comp. And me being me. A little hesitant about downloading stuff to this new beast. I really can't afford have anything crap out on me.

Boyfriend was awesome yesterday. Dropping me off at work, picking me up at lunch to go pick up my artwork from the show that just ended. We had lunch together and after my meeting he picked me up to go get my comp in Richmond. When we got back home, he helped me set it up. I don't know if any one guy has done so much for me in one day really. Is that sad to say?

I feel like moving out but the funds aren't there at the moment. The parents want to let go and hang on at the same time. And I'm sure they know its a matter of time.

Im thinking now of how and where the comp should be set up. My original plans are scrapped due to the fact my new beast is bigger than the usual CPU towers.

I'm thinking too much. Need to learn to shut off.

The guy at work looks at me strangely when I come in. Like he wants to ask why I am late at times. Give me a break. My travel times an hour.

My sister gave me an awesome idea for a sign to put up at work where it says reception with an arrow, but it points nowhere. Which is hilarious.

I keep thinking about some people lately i shouldn't be. My times wasted on thoughts of those that simply felt like they left me behind - or did I just move on pass them. Wish there was a memory forgetting machine. Well someone can hit me really hard - but that's not even a win win situation. I wish goodbye was that simple - with just a word.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Sleeping Giant

Sleeping Giant
I'll be honest, I really don't know why I named this sleeping giant. Bf just got off work and I didn't know he was coming to get me. Atleast not right when he got off work. Well now I can't go back to sleep and I had to finish the design for this weeks d_Meth song drop. We had a get together the other day ... I don't remember if I blogged it but my creative family is just the right kind of friends that don't really ask.. What do I get from doing this? But more of... What can we do for you? - which was a Dejavu moment when Brian said it.

I'm hungry- today I'll be going to get my comp built and I wonder what is the right monitor to get. I worry I'll find flaws and hate it.

I had a weird dream with my friend DJ in it. Errr won't go into detail but it was weird.

Do you know what series of numbers I keep seeping besides doubles is now 8:08 - what is the significance of that - I don't know. I am running out of white paint and I wonder where and when I need to get more because I want to do this series right. I started the painting and get frustrated at the fact the mother has been snooping through my things. It is obvious when things are moved and taken away and such and such.

The thought of wanting to move out keeps tapping in my mind, but I just don't have enough cushion to do so. If you don't know what I mean by cushion - it's the money for when I feel safe enough to be on my own. 10-25 grand. So the saving plan had been set back with the new year holiday and the computer purchase and Reno costs. But that's ok. I'll still be able to go into the new year in good financial standing. Work has been growing so- no lack of work.

I have been feeling tired lately but only cause my brain keeps going. The sun also plays a factor on me. I love the sun. I read somewhere that a Spanish lady registered herself a the owner of the sun and now wants to charge everyone who uses it. Really?! Good luck. Cause everyone and everything in this world basically uses the sun. I find this a strange train of thought. What happens if some other being in from some other planet registered it. In the ability to claim something that is not even on earth to be yours unless you created something and sent it off to space. You can register yourself as the one who discovered it. But if it is not physically with in your reach- if it existed before your time, it's not even here on earth - what right to do you have to claim that it's yours? I mean things on earth are worldly. Here on earth you can claim you're the discoverer of something before anyone else on earth - star and planet. But when it comes ownership. You have no rights to do so. We are not smart enough to know any universal rights- when we have not had full proof and communicative abilities with other beings that exists in this universe.

It really is like claiming the air is yours and charging everyone who breathes a fee. Everyone would say- fuck off.

We pay taxes though an fees. Eco-fees . For the water we use and the air we pollute. Where this money goes- I really don't know.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Trails Of Me

Trails Of Me
There's a piece of me left underneath the stairs- in the cabins - on the island. They remember the magical place you brought me where the sand seemed to endlessly meet the sea. Do you think of me when your feet walk on to the sands?

There's a piece of me left in a moment of time. Where celebrations mixed with confusion - when you squeezed me in your arms then decided to let me go. Will you think of me when a new year turns to past?

There's a piece of me left hung on your walls - where water flows and bubbles rise onto the surface. How a trade seems more than just. Do you still love me when you look upon them?

There's a piece of me left within your memories. And it's the same in reverse. Is it a trail that I'm leaving? or a silent curse? Scattered images through out time- where I can no longer call them mine. There are so many of you that I've sadly now forgot - forced to push them out of mind just to save my heart.

There's a piece of me left- it lingers through out space and time. How I journey on and on with no daily grind. I try my best to not remember - emotions stir about. That's about all that comes to- the heartaches and the doubts. So I live it day by day - which turns to months and months. I know the ones who love me now- don't say it very much. They show it in the things they do - it makes me smile in my heart. There's a piece of me left now while i'v crumbled all apart.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?
Dad left for Chicago - or at least I think he did considering he left early. Wow I think I only had a few hours of rest till my mom barged in my room to tell me it's a snow storm and wondering if I'll be going to work cause she won't be. Unless there's like a foot of snow - I don't think I have an excuse. I mean - it's not school - we don't get cancelations with work. Unless you get fired. I'm so hungry. I hope no one bugs me tonight cause I want to purely paint tonight. Or create - graphic design wise. No interruptions please.
Yesterday I had work as usual and then after - I met in person someone I had been meaning to meet for a while. This guy to me is talent. He feels so well in the loop of Vancouver. And me little shy thing. I think what he does is pretty brave - the events - yet he thinks I'm brave for the YouTube stuff. I'm having a moment of Dejavu - of several events. Strange. We spoke about what we do and what we would like to do. But if I was to meet anyone - this guys a good add to my list of people in my circle. Yes yes- after an hour of that I head on to home depot to buy a sander considering that ours at home had magically disappeared. I kept debating if it was worth it to spend so much more on a sander that sucks in dust as well. Even the sales man said no- because it only does 60% reduction on the dust it's producing. Really- shit that's not very much. So my 100$ purchase turned into a 40$ one since the mouse sander was on sale. I got an extension cord for my room as well and left. Head on home and the time seemed to fly. Even when I called my dad about picking me up- he was like- you said 20 mins. I was 20 mins away - he said it felt like 5 mins before I called him back. Yes- I'm not the only one feeling like time is going so fast. I tried to tell him I wasn't that far away.
After dinner I started painting. This thing is more difficult to conceptualize more than I thought. There's one thing about seeing it in your head and then there's another to make it come to life.
Umm my train stopped and witnessing another come pull up behind us is kinds scary especially when you're closest to contact point if it was to hit us! Anyways my train started moving again.
After painting I emailed some things off- an invoice - deposited money- and then went to go sand the washroom. The power sander did make it much more easier. - took a shower and went to bed. By that time it was already around 4-ish.
Now today- I get woken up by mom. I had ignored all my alarms. I got dressed and smiled as I walked through the snow to the bus stop - the bus however was late. By a lot and skytrain seems to be having delays as well. - I'm making today a glasses day. Just a little too lazy to put on contacts today.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Sorry Lady

Get this - Lady comes into see someone who my company shares offices with. I go to check if he's in. He's not. She starts asking me when / if he's going to be.. I say I don't know - I'm not the secretary. She asks if there is someone she can talk to - I go look for the other guy that works here for that company. He's on the phone. I tell her that... I ask if the person she came to see knows she would be here / it was a set meeting. She said No but she said she would drop by. She asks if she should call him... I say yes... and she looks at me like I'm crazy and I was not helpful at all. [ Sorry lady, I can't help you when you came unprepared ]

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Again with the rudeness

Again with the rudeness
Seriously again with the people just pushing their way to get out of the bus. We are all catching the same train, what is one second to wait for someone who's already standing to clear out first. It's courtesy. And if you wonder why people are rude to you?! If you want courtesy - fucking preach it!
Ok that's enough - well yesterday I went on a huge detour just to get to the art store for the canvases that I'll be painting and putting up in Starbucks. It was the biggest canvas - I had 6 that I had to lug via transit but the worst part was getting there! The skytrain delayed because of most likely a suicide - selfish people - which caused major back up and then there was this other incident with the tracks malfunctioning. Omg really! Then I take the wrong bus that doesn't stop at all stops So I had to do a loop around the city. It was just really bothersome.
Then I had a meeting with some D-Meth members. Some because not everyone was there. I was being drained though. A lot of energy to scattered. Maybe it was just my adventure of getting to the art store.
I'm having troubles shaking thoughts of the past. So I try my best to keep thinking about right now. There really no point in stirring emotions for people who show little or nothing for you. I can't walk backwards when I've come so far forward. Another Christmas is coming - and still strange to break a tradition I've done for so many years- to not see faces I have done for years and years. It's like moving away to another city from family members. And when you run into someone - you feel like you are on vacation to come see them. But it's gotten a lot easier. Just as long as no association is made - no spoken names- no faces - no updates. Then i will be okay. You're living your life - I am living mine.
I have a great guy who makes me smile and laugh every time I was with him.
I think that's all that I can ask from him. To make me laugh everyday I'm with him.
- did I ever note I hate how road crews seem to pick the worst dates to construction at certain locations? -
I'm hungry- time:

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Waking Up Happy

Waking Up Happy
It's good to have this feeling. To wake up and snuggle warmly in your bed. Alone is not how I prefer it sometimes but a little alone time doesn't hurt.

Time: 8-16 in the morning and I wonder if there are any unwritten rules when sitting on the skytrain. How your legs should be, arms. EEhhh I'm small. Anyways- I spent last night re-uploading design programs onto my laptop. Success is what makes it that much sweeter. Designing in my warm room is good. Maybe this will buy sometime to save up what I need for the new comp build. I mean I have enough to purchase it now but that's sacrificing some spending money and saving money per month. I think Um just glad I can design off my lap again. But I know for a fact that I can't video edit time lapses on there anymore and the laptop will soon have to dubbed as work only and travel. Where the files have to be cleaned out regularly.

Do people not lean forward to relief shoulder contact while sitting any more or is that just me not like touching other people too much. I spent last night designing my friends logo which I will continue later tonight and also someone else' logo. Never a bad thing to make more income. Never a bad thing to be your own boss. Man I really just want to draw and design and paint all day and get paid for it. I mean I get half of that at work but I still do a lot of admin and business relations stuff. Essentials knowing how to conduct yourself so well over an email that someone thinks that you're your boss. But the ability to speak to the client and talk them through a situation is key too. Hard sometimes to feel you have to dumb yourself down at times when speaking design, web, or programs. Shit life sucks when you feel that way but it's a good thing to know you understand something more than some others - or they wouldn't be calling on you.

I came home last night- before I did I was thinking how to move things out of the studio space - only to find everything's been moved! I was pretty happy. I wonder if dad unknowingly feels what I'm trying to do. Makes free space for me to paint. I will need to hit up desserres tonight as i just got the text of how big the canvas i need has to be- but it's all good. Life's good.

Funny story- the other day me and the boyfriend went to superstore where he parked in the expecting mothers spot. I frowned against it but then asked if I was I probably wouldn't tell him for two months. But I was just kidding. I ended up walking around extending my stomach with air and I wonder if boyfriend noticed I did that - Hahha did it for fun and didn't feel like being yelled at but then again I was wearing a pretty bulky jacket.

I love having a guy that makes me smile and laugh every time I'm with him.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Stuck in my Head

Stuck in my Head
Last night boyfriend said he was crazy about me which made my heart warm to him... Then he said he maybe hawked up on sleeping pills to know what he's saying.

I dunno to laugh or to just *hmmmpphh!!!! * *upset face*

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Aides Graffiti

Protect yourself! Great video that conveys what it needs to with no words. Young ones should not watch this. Im not promoting sex at all but I give props to this greatly produced commercial. Check out this video on YouTube:

Friday, November 19, 2010

I Will Punch You In The Face

I Will Punch You In The Face
If you speak stupid random things at me. I don't think I can tolerate the things that certain people say. Don't disrespect the music I'm listening to - do not discount Kanye Wests' artistic skills and visionary as any other - garbage song. Ugh - it made me mad when he said - " is that what goes for music now a days?" what are you? 100? - he said he was kidding but like some - some remarks aren't funny.

And don't compare yourself to me- someone said they believed they were o ahead of the game. - I hate to burst your bubble but I've only been playing 10% of my full potential. As I recovered from one of the most life changing years of my life.

It's Snowing!

It's Snowing!
Do you know it's very hard to look sexy in snow boots. Wait unless you're in a bikini And snow boots - then someone can probably pull it off. I keep thinking of Toronto the few days or weeks. I guess it could be that because it was around this time last year I was there? - one year - what's changed? A lot? Or not enough?
I worked till 3:00 am this morning. And more an more I'm only getting 3-4 hour sleep on work days. And my dad wonders why I can't wake up in the morning. I can wake up- getting out of a nice warm bed- that's a different story. What was I doing? - well you see since moving and all that jazz I had'nt had time to do laundry. 3-4 loads of laundry. Washing - drying and folding. I moved my final dresser in and now the room- furniture wise is complete. Unpacked- is another story. Slowly but surely it's getting there.
And I spent my last few hours designing this Saturdays Desi Method songs cover art. This weeks will perhaps feature hand art from me.
I wonder what this song sounds like. When u design the cover art - I usually play the song over and over and I try to pull and convey the song into visuals. What emotions and colors the beat stirs in my creative mind and being.
What's made me mad today and yesterday. Yesterday morning- dad knocks on the floor upstairs to wake up. I was changing when he did that. Makes me think I should have just moved out.
This morning mom comes to search downstairs where the car scrapper & brush is. I said I don't have it. She didn't believe me. I don't understand why they would accuse me of taking it and stashing it somewhere since I don't even have a car. Why would I need it?
I forgot to pack clothes today. Balls. Means no change of clothes if I stay over at the bf's.
Boss is away for the next four days. It's been quiet the last few days. I hope the clients won't stir up stuff when the boss clearly said he would be away. Designing new sites for new clients :). Sometimes I wonder if I should be in a relationship right now. My attention is split between so many different things. Today for an hour is my personal date. Yesterday was alone time but I spent it working out- doing laundry and designing. I wish I had like two clones. So there's three of me. We can all sleep together in the same bed. It's big enough and I'm small enough to do so. One would work some odd ball jobs and one would clean all day and do laundry and one would design all day and that would be me!!! Wahahaha. Either that or they better make teleporting soon. Travel time - make me feel like I'm wasting time. Then again I blog now during travels and read if I remembered to bring my book. I should sketch if I can. But it's rough reading a hunka chunka book when you're standing. So if I don't get a seat and it's too crowded I deny myself the right to read or sketch. Which kinda sucks.
Starting to wonder if Vancouver is behind Toronto by a lot. Considering body world came not too long ago and I saw the same show last year in Toronto. I noticed we're finally getting three bin systems! The recycling hoops around light posts were so lame Vancouver! You spent money to manufacture a system that can't even withstand Vancouver elements and life span is shorter by so much. Have the bin system. Have the recycling that the public throws away be given back into the community.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Say the Positive

Say the Positive
your negativity can remain and live with you. If you choose to spread hate- I will look at you with disgust. We're better than that. We may not think a like. But the last thing I like to hear from anybodies mouth is total smack. Sometimes people can find other people's sarcasm as crude. I'm too nice to say to someones face that they are being an asshole. So watch what you say- dim your ego that can be broken like an eggshell and remain humble. Don't believe you're above so many. If you're going to make a statement of such high stature- I- out of a few have the biggest urge to knock you off your high horse. Stop living to make others see- what you're made of. Especially to those who weren't paying much attention to you in the first place. Live for yourself - don't turn your downs to ups for anyone else but you. If you do the things you do to show up a certain someone - you have a chance to become very unhappy. There's no doubt about it because your energy is so sadly wasted. Why give so much power to someone who gave you neither the time or day. Let go. If you don't have the guts to say what you would really want to say to someone when you love them - why tell them that you hate them when you hate them? Your emotional disturbance does not benefit anyone. Hit a point where your standards feel broken and stop yourself. What is your self worth? Don't talk the talk if you can not walk the walk. In the end words are only words and with no action - they mean nothing. I tell people when I love them- I tell them when I miss them. I hold nothing back but cruel energy. The energy I feel when I hate - feel frustrated - feel like knocking off someone from their thrown - and if not to make them see that they hold only great imagination that they really are heirs to the kingdom of nothingness. If you had a child at this moment- very moment god fast forwarded your life with a child. What can you truly say to your child that you've done? Have you led an example life of success for your child to truly believe that they can be anything they hope to be? Would you tell them to chase the passion? Or the money? Or tell them to chase the money to build the happiness and security?

If your life is built on striving for more money - trying to buy happiness - I'll be honest - having money and buying things is quite fulfilling- but if money buys your happiness ... Keep in mind that money can run out easily. Very easily. If you build your life on passion, the fortune that comes with it is endless. Build your life on money, and you can count your fortune, happiness, security.

Life is not a numbers game- it's an emotional one.

Know what emotion you live for.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Sunny Then Cloudy

Sunny Then Cloudy
This is the basic norm of Vancouver weather. Frick I'm hungry. I just woke up at 7- I'm gonna goto work and eats! I really don't know what to write this morning. I exercised last night doing the light jog to brisk walking thing altering at every minute. Tiring really. Even more dangerous when you're making a protein shake at the same time. The other day- I traded in my lotto ticket. On three sets I got a free draw. What are the odds of that?
After work yesterday I went to go pick up my jewelry and it's so shiny and new looking! Clean earrings for the win! After that I met up with SJ. He seemed a little stuck on how to promote. I spat out every idea I had. Who and where to go. Who he should be contacting. I seemed to have sparked something. My abs are still sore. But my body feels tighter. I'm wondering if I should go look for my knee high boots. :( but to be honest I had dedicated most of my expenditures of this month to go towards others and not solely on me. For Christmas presents and such. I'm wondering should I put together a care package to ship to Australia for the brother and his girlfriend. Still debating.
I worked last night on recovering one of my clients sites data. I hope I got everything cause I'm going to try to grow them back live later today. I should re-design for them. But that will come later. Worked on DJ-'s t shirt design. I hope he can get it printed.
Well really don't have anything else left to say.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Running Late

Running Late
Just a tad today. Yesterday was a strange happy day with babies smiling at me in the bus. Once in the morning and once on the way home. My sister would say it's the auras of people they are sensitive to. Well I really don't know if they are looking at me or whatever chooses to stand beside me - guardian angel wise. As I got home from work - I got changed and worked out. - full body on my own. I don't know if me wanting to just relax and sleep was due to the work out but - I remember waking up with a body jump as I dreamt I went into a run. Omg - dream working out. I have a headache this morning . I'm just gonna rest a bit now.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Mmmm Snap Peas

I have to admit, someone I dated made me fall in love with snap peas. I'm crunching on some right now and I'm thinking. Why?! why did I have to start eating this wonderful veggie that's crunchy, a bit sweet, and good for you.

Don't Be Rude

Don't Be Rude
I don't know when the courtesy of waiting for someone who sits before exit or standing in a bus was thrown out the window, but they better go outside and retrieve it cause I'm tired of this - rudeness. I may say that I courtesy wasn't something I grew up being taught with, like many things I naturally adapted through the years as a teen. But when did people stop practicing common courtesy? Don't be rude. What's the rush? This city's full of people who believe their lives are more important than so many others. Eyes wide open please.

Man I woke up this morning with my upper abs hurting. Yesterday I woke up. Made breakfast and ate before DJ came over to give me a -1on1- personal training session of basics. He showed me lightly my nutrition plan, and we went for a light jog and came back to show me a few work outs to do. My arms are sore too. Yesterday was just a light work out too. I'm gonna die later today. If I don't blog Tomorrow morning- I'm dead. LoL. It was pretty funny how when we returned to my place after the light jog warm up how he seemed to be in disbelief when he stated that I made him sweat - my reply - Really?! And we didn't even have sex! :o - I was just kidding - we both have a light laugh - man my abs are kind of sore. No pain no gain I guess. Especially when I want abs. I woke up this morning and ate two eggs - sunny side up. With half a cup of sprouts with cilantro and a slice of whole wheat bread, accompanied with 2/3rd cup of blue berry juice. Sorry no pictures. Pretty filling. As I ate breakfast - two eggs were boiling over the stove. I brought that and a banana to work. Either for a part of my snack or lunch. I have food at work. If not I can go buy some. Pretty awesome where I work considering it's close proximity to a lot of things. I won't deny, it would be awesome to have a condo at the shangri la.

Yesterday after my work out I started to move my bed - washed my sheets in the process. I got that set up now in the new room. I also put up my snowboard rack! It freaking rocks! I'm trying to see if I can move down the dressers today. Then it will be unpacking time. I also have to move stuff upstairs and set up the new guest room. Too bad mom's going to fill it up in no time. But it is their house. And there is no denying that when she dies it will be me that cleans it. Unless I go before siblings - then tough beans Sis and bro. I got the tv cable working - I'm starting to think it's the cable lines that aren't working but I don't think thats the case - I think the old tv in the living room just gave out.

- there's a girl next to me eating a chocolate cookie with chocolate filling- it's morning time- don't you think that shits bad for you? How on earth is your skin so clear?! Shit- some people just have good genetics or something.-

Anyways- I'll be setting up my new room. I am most likely going to paint a multiple canvas painting this week. What am I doing today at work- I have no clue- I hope I get to design something new. Art & Design has become my drug... I need to get my fix.

I might go over some PDF magazines tonight to inspire me some. - and I need to design DJ's stuff. No fair game if I don't hold up my bargain.

I think I laid in bed with Music blasting at my head this morning. This shows you I can probably sleep at a rave. - through a storm. Shit - I might just die in a natural disaster.

I should do a new video today or sometime this week. Not only Desi Method's Fan base growing- so is mine. It's one whole connected entity now. One will help the other regardless. We're all connected some how- just only some of us are more aware of it.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


He shivers - I warm him in an embrace.

I'll let him sleep with me tonight.

Evil Envy

Desi Method is going on 9 weeks in a row of putting out songs every Sat. and this weeks was Radiophonic. We had a meeting earlier this week about how the shoot should look, but I simply wanted to plug ideas in and wanted Vik to take control of the shoot and see what he could flush out. More than anything I want to see what this crew is made of. To be honest, they have yet to fail me. It's one of the reasons why I'm still in it to win it.

I spent Friday night and today with Ry ♥ . We slept like bears till 12 *super lazy!* and then got up and got dressed and went to dim sum at Dai Tong. Really good, but I felt like we ate really fast. After dim sum we went to PNE - there was a shoe sale going on. Ry thought he would be able to score some shoes. Turns out to be all girls. On the way in it said some "petite" shoes sale signs. What a crock of lies! Considering they only had one sad little rack of 5&1/2's ( had like 4 pair of shoes on it ) and 5's. We left and went back to his place and took a nap. Woke up, had dinner and went to go watch a movie in Coquitlam. We watched "The Social Network" - After watching Social Network - it makes me feel like... Making something from an idea is not crazy. A lot of things that exists today were created by thought and following though.

Then I go home - and the help of Ry ♥ and Dad ♥ my shelf goes vertical! Awesome. Which means later today will be filled with moving down into my new space and unpacking! What What. I should finish the washroom, sanding the ceiling and painting it though before actually using it. After I move the electronics down I have to now figure why the TV cable isn't working.

I got onto facebook to check stuff to notice one of my 'face' friends just got engaged. Wow. I didn't think she would - well at least before me that is - that's so mean of me to say. This is ugly sze talking. So just ignore these green eyes. I'm happy for her and wish her the best. - Restarting sucks shit! there - I said it. Being in a new relationship with someone who cares and is different - is awesome - to be honest, would not trade 'now' to go back for 'then'. Then already happened. What's awesome is surviving the downfall and picking yourself back up. Everyone who's survived a split - especially from one that promised so much - deserves props. You now know exactly what you should have, that you're still here - and that's all that matters and make NOW matter even more.

I should sleep. it's 2:12am - and I have work out session with personal trainer DJ.
My brain doesn't shut off as I like it to when I'm on my own.

Dear God: Let Desi Method - be the/ produce triple threats in & to the industries. Thank You.

I thought about this the other day... How I want to say to people who really know me. Stay by me and I'll be true and stay by you. Believe in me, it's all I can ask for. I will try my best to never fail you.

Friday, November 12, 2010


Well what's more to say than yesterday was a bit interesting. I spent most of the day cleaning - I swept up the kitchen and mopped the floors, cleared our the room and swept and mopped those floors, put on the tint on the window. SJ and his brother came and we went to Ikea. When I first went, I was a bit cautious if the boxes would fit. SJ - we'll make them fit. Well I didn't know how big the boxes were till I saw them and I was worried. Then the guys started to worry. I purchased it and somehow the guys fit it. ( although this is pretty dangerous) they slid he boxes down the center resting on the center console. The thing is two boxes that sat on top rested between headrests to keep them in place. - see that's all on a 'still' theory but when movement is introduced you have to be careful. See there was my headrest behind the drivers that so on a right had turn and the back swings. My head and RJ's head is safe because my headrest stops the back from sliding. There was no safety for SJ on left hand turns and what ended up happening is I had to grab and steady the top two boxes with my right arm the drive during motion. My butt wasn't even sitting down on the drive. Left hand turns were rough! Let's just say...if I didn't do what I did.. It would take SJ out, and he's our driver! It was scary... So much so I was sweating! And we didn't even got straight back to my house after >_< SJ wanted to hit up Walmart. I thought my arm was just going to give. :( but we made it and went to Walmart to get some supplies for the cd mix tape of Desi Methods works. He needed cases to hand them out in, labels and in the check out I ended up picking up post it stickies that were arrows and said.. Listen. SJ - right away said get it.
Yesterday when I was cleaning out the room. I cleared off the guest mattress and was taking apart the frame when I discover all these random pieces of wooden boards, cement tiles, bags of large pieces of fabric. I'll be honest- I'm tired of this constant rotation. I wanted to throw out the bed frame right there and then because I'm so sick of having to believe that an easy clean up job would be easy. To only discover this whole bunch of hidden stuff I must now spend more energy to clean out. I told her I was tired of it. As I called my father down. Her being her quickly picked up her pieces and moved them. Mom's like a mouse. She's quick and quiet and builds a nest. When I decided to move - my sister asked what about mom. What she's going to do to my current room. I can't worry about that. I can't control her. If I chose to stay or not she will still do what she does. Hoarding is not something you can change over night. I think If we called the hoarding people over - mom would be the toughest case. She would beat people up! Lol - ok maybe exaggerating but I do come from two parents that taught us how to defend ourselves from a very young age. But she's a hard shell to crack. My family dreads the day she passes away. Perhaps me the most cause I feel that I will be the one to have to clean it all up. I shouldn't dread my moms actions in life - but as much as I don't want to - I stress at the thought of staying and the thought of leaving. Leaving my dad to having to put up with my mom will be a hard thin to do. It is a problem but I spent a lot of time having to deal with it.
When we got back to the house, built the shelf. Then when it came time to lift the massive beast. I was in trouble. What on earth made me think I would be able To get it up right on my own really baffles me. I asked mom for assistance but she took one look and was a negative Nancy. Didn't even try and started to say negative things. Well I left that alone and just did the cover art of this Saturdays song. However the deadline is today so - priority. What needs to be done now... Is done now... Some other things can wait.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Another Day

Another Day
It's a holiday tomorrow, but it's one of remembrance. To think about all those who died in the wars. Would you give your life to serve a country? To protect the people. I've thought about it- joining the army. But a lot of people say I maybe too short- like when I wanted to be a cop. Oh well.

Yesterday I went to work like any other but the day was filled with forehead hitting at the disbelief at the current client's website that I'm trying finish by Friday. Wow- I really hate doing things again and again. Ahh I'm being paid for it. - what should I eat this morning?- I'm in transit to work as I write this. I'm so blank. Feeling tired. I'm happy the dog slept the night through. I had the weirdest dream about zombies in my house, having an adopted Caucasian son who was a very big kid. I'll tell you right now- I'm si getting a samurai sword this summer, cause again in my dream I didn't have the motorcycle helmet and sword to protect me. So lame!

Anyways- I went off track. <3 Ry drove me home and I set the alarm system I got up. I wonder can I get one with a camera and hook up video feed to a digital picture frame? - off track again. Well I didn't finish setting it up. I went to a meeting with Vik, Shalini, and SJ - talking about this weeks song drop for Saturday. Damn. Which means I should try to load my design programs back onto my comp. Balls. Unless I could use his brothers comp that has the Photoshop and etc. Man what do I do. I should start building my comp. Anyways - we were talking and brainstorming for a photo shoot that's going down thursday. I don't think they need me there. I gave my creative input- I would like to see what creative genius Vik can flush out. I has so much potential. Yet his aura is so lax. Dad asked me last night what our meeting wad for when I was about to leave. How do I explain it? Lol I tried on Sunday. Peter - sisters fiancé - said I should say I'm just in a band. Lol . I collaborate and work with some of the best creative genius' of our current time. They are the creatively artistic family and friends I've been hoping for all the years before. We were all in the thought process last year and just collectively began to hustle. Do - no more plotting to- we spent a year plus doing so. Just do what you want to And focus on that. I like that. I wish someone else was more focused but he's living his own life. I can't tell him I feel like the endeavors he decides to take on lead him astray from his dreams. If you only speak of your dreams and choose to knowingly step the opposite direction from it. That's your choice. No one can tell you the path your on, cause they run their own path, it may run parallel- but we have our own ups and downs and speed bumps. Our experiences are the similar, but not the same. I should pull back now a days to try to make people to see from my perspective- more and more these days I just take it as it is and go on. Think for yourself. See from all sides. Think before you do. Spit out your thoughts when you have them and need to. But listen. Listening is a way of love. It is one of the most simple ways to show someone you love them. Is to listen.

SJ -said we've done what we need to and now we're just waiting to tap lady luck on our shoulder. ( I don't feel like I'm there yet personally ) I still feel like I'm being processed.

Last night when we were going to get a PO box set up for PP- SJ was teaching me some vocal lessons. Me - and my shyness comes out. I don't know why. He said to me something that made me take a moment. He said - "don't be afraid to play."

When I was shying out- he also said... Yes yea.. Natural and good fun and laughs, but we don't we no longer have time for that. We simply can't afford to.

He's right. I cannot be afraid to play. And I have no more time to waste. We should push till the end of this 2010 year. Then push harder this upcoming 2011.

Duplicated States

Have you ever had a moment that felt like one of the past. As I was moving stuff downstairs and grabbed some of my belongings and was heading towards my room I felt something. I felt like how I felt in Toronto. See I'm a pretty shy person, trying to break away from my natural shyness. I don't know what it is that makes me feel like it was when I was there. The air? - The comfortableness? The independence?

falling asleep... blog entry continues tomorrow.

Monday, November 08, 2010


I seem to like to skip morning pages in the weekends. Let me sum it up for you.

Friday after work I went to go visit my sister and the baby. I was in the line waiting for the bus when she said she'll come pick me up. I'm holding a package inside with Chrismas presents for people. - that reminds me I should ship a package out back home ( home land ) - that has presents :p . - I accompanied my sister to KFC as she picked up dinner. I ended up giving the books I got for Christmas early. I can get something else for him later on. I got home later that night and wrapped Ry's other present that came in the box. That's night I also got to work on trying to solve the D-Meth site problem of not having a navigation at the bottom of the site to view previous pages. I didn't solve this problem till Saturday morning - where I woke up pretty early to work on stuff.

Later on that evening I accompanied my dad to an Art show where my piece is placed in. Not really promoting this one like I did last year. Considering I kind of wanted to see the caliber of work that was being awarded. And the other peoples. The show made me feel that I should start to paint asian art again. The scene is a bit- lacking. I'm not saying my work is the best. But it sucks when I now have that skills to rip apart a painting. I judge it on every basis. Colour, water control, composition, strokes, flow. Yes I look at every little thing before the whole. I don't judge things on little parts - though little parts make a difference. Art or people. I think composition has to be a critical part of any art. The push and pull of the elements. I'm glad that my first oriental painting teacher taught me this. Then I learned further and more reasons why from my second teacher about composition. Once I learned the basic theory - my paintings started to flow. - I just geeked out. - Okok well apparently at the art show they renamed my piece and then my friend said that they even spelt my name wrong. Definitely not promoting this one. On the way home I waited in the car as dad when to do a job. I was texting SJ in the process. Later on I went to lunch with dad before hitting up home depot with him. It was nice to spend some time with him. Me asking random questions - Like could he play an instrument- the answer was no. We picked out the lighting, some paint, and some other stuff and ended up dropping a pretty penny for everything but thats okay. Dad wad like to me - be sure to keep the receipt! Lol - I know dad. Cause unlike events in our lives - we can return items when they don't seem to work out. I wish receipts came with people. - oh that's mean. We for home and I just placed everything downstairs. Moved some things between the guest room and my room. Then I started making earrings. I made earrings most of Sunday. I spray painted my Munny. Went for a run around 6pm. My 5k jog&walk. Did half half. Got back in 40 mins. When I got back, sister , her fiancé and baby were over. We had dinner together. After they left for a bit I relaxed, baked some cookies. Showered and just hopped into bed after. Thought perhaps the boyfriend would come pick me up since he was flying back from Vegas. But it was predictable he would be too tired. Well I'm off to work.

Friday, November 05, 2010


I'm usually never appreciated weekends. I used to work such off and on days.

Its been strange at work, as it's all piling up- my boss refers to me as the senior designer. He's making me take on other tasks that make it difficult just to do my work straight on. I can't just design- I have to think and bounce back information of what will work, and what wouldn't for a client site out if given content. I guess I have to take on more responsibility as our client list is growing double the rate from last year. Me and my boss are both Libras so this boost of fast and furious changes apply to the both of us if this is universal energy bouncing back at us.

I'm looking flight centre deals and I feel like going on a vacation. LOL . Wow Jamaica seems so cheap to go vacay. I don't know what to write this morning. I've been busy at work.

I was on the bus going home yesterday - researching a bit on loft spaces in Vancouver and New West. Two people hop onto the bus, expecting the bus driver to give them a free ride. The bus driver stops at a stop for the longest time. One of the guys that hopped on sat next to me. The lot of us are wondering what's going on. Until the bus driver explained what these people are trying to do. I think it made a lot of people uncomfortable. These two people were pretty young too. Late teens. Early twenties? I hate public confrontations - it makes everyone nervous.

I got home, changed and went to do my five kilometer run knowing it will take me my 45 mins area to complete. The weird thing about my run was that its the first time I did it after hours. Where the city lights seem brighter and the sun is already at the cusp of fully not being seen. The dim light just around the bend of it's rotation. The sky was a dark grey. And by the time I got back it was dark. And this morning, I'm sore! My core, but my thighs even more. It's annoying. Protein shakes please! Last night I tried to customize my phone, but it seems as though somethings aren't working. And I'm seeking help from my friend who told me about these updates. He even showed me face time on the phone. It was very cool! I wish I could do that with my cousin. I miss her!

Esjay is right about this feeling. I explained it as - if so many dejavus are happening. Then I know that things were meant to happen. It feels like puzzle pieces falling into place. But now faster than expected. No slowing down. I got an Artshow this weekend to attend. I may paint tonight. What else. I have no clue. What should I eat this morning at work? Hmmmmm.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

My Core Hurts

My Core Hurts
I started my first personal training session run yesterday. 45 mins non stop. And I'm sore. Especially my core.

Well yesterday at work was more
Like any other. After work booked my butt to meet with DJ and went for a run around a track. See during this time it should have been meditative. But I ended up calling my dad in the middle of it. See since having more
Friends around me, ( like usual more guys than girls ) my dad thinks I'm being stupid or fooling around. Its pure friendship and business. I know - business and friends sometimes don't work. But this does. Cause right now our main focus is not money. We don't even want to focus our energy there because we all know we're not g to be the best at what we do - for money. People may ask, what for. Honestly, to see what we are capable of and nothing more. We aren't competing with anyone else but ourselves when we say we want to be better. Our focus is us and what we can do. Not what we can't. No worries, no fears, no doubt.

You're wrong if you believe that we don't think about it - money - we do - we just don't worry about it. When good things happen, they happen. If you worry about your finances - you will always worry about it and you're going to spend half your energy in a day just thinking about what's in your account. What your making / investing. You should be making you. Investing in yourself. Die tomorrow and what would your life had been for?

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

3am Tears

3am Tears
Yeah, I got my response email from my brother getting a room swap. Too it wasn't only a decline but him clearly stating the fact of what he thought of me - not so nice things to repeat. Some things he stated were true, some he clearly doesn't get / understand or know. Have I been bashing my family on my online personal journal?! But I never in the slightest meant to give the image that my parents are the worst parents or bad people. I just state the truth of what's happening and what's been said and how I feel about it - at the moment. I was in my - good period - where I can only explain that I've been feeling really loved this last week - till I got this one email. I'll be honest - kind of typical to expect this kind of energy from the brother. Same energy from dad. But Dads just seems to be happy that I produced some art and have entered an Art show. I'll try my best to not let the negative things my brother said to me get me but - it's family. Like I said before - I'd like the support but clearly not feeling it's there. I know there's one thing about my dad and that is he will always be there when it comes to me and art - which is fantastic.

Renovations are still underway slowly. When I do find the time to be at home and have the energy to do so. I've been so busy these days. At work, after work.

D_Method ( my music crew ) is growing. Inch by inch my friend SJ says but we're growing. Mali's latest song was one of the most downloaded I don't remember if it was for a day or this week so far- but the song only came out on sat. Wow- most downloaded in what I can only dub as the Bollywood scene is well tough beans - no?

I guess my friends are right - my brother says that people are out there laughing at me - I'll let them laugh at me. My family? - no - there's really no reason to do that because we're like any other dysfunctional family. And we all know how many there are out there. But where are my friends right? That I shouldn't let the negative energy break me. I'm building something - though many may not notice, or see at the time being - I'm doing something towards my ultimate dream.

I've started to swap my room with my guest room. I'm going to start writing extra cheques to my dad for rent. The question is will he accept it- he's always questioning if I have enough money. I have enough - dad. I'm pretty safe right now- enough to even save with and spend and pay bills and rent. I hate talking about money. It is and should be the least of my worries. Things happen. I understand and that's why you have your safety cushion. I'm building it to have no worries when something does happen.

The hacker thing happened over the weekend. Where my site was hacked- but I know I shouldn't let that get to me either. New site should have more and better things.

SJ - DJ - PP are the three that right now are probably supporting me spiritually right now. Out of my friends. I know Ry supports me regardless.

Whats going on this week. Got to launch 2-3 websites. Song drop on sat. Website re-build. And helping my friend with his branding. Oh and websites for the gb.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween
Yesterday was a long day for me, like every other day now a days. I did a lot to push forward in what I need to be doing.
I'm strongly now thinking of moving into the guest room. However when I do that, my mom will for sure fill up my current room with stuff. My mom is a hoarder if I never mentioned before. The room is smaller but its closer to my work space. Sacrifice? Gains? I really need to fully Submerge myself in what I need to do to get where I need to be. My brother is fighting me on the basement. His domain. For a guy who moved to Australia and applied for permanent residency - who has a condo he's thinking of moving back into when he returns. Does it make a whole lot of sense for him to occupy a whole level - when and if he returns - will he be jobless?. He does trades - stock exchange stuff. Really? Brother? What are you building that is currently equal or more to what I am currently building. I think my biggest upset with my family is that - It's not that I want them to be supportive. I kind of need them to be.

They say 'no' with out clear reasoning before anything else. 'No' does not leave room for growth, 'no' shows me how you love me. I hear more of - 'you can't ' in my house. And yes I push back because people are not understanding that - the successful ones in this world never grew up with the environment of 'can't' maybe it is time to move out sooner than I thought. I put so much effort into making my house a home- but it's nothing more than a place my family occupies, where I sleep some nights. Where I partly grew up in. There is no appreciation here. I put hours into renovating. Plastering, sanding, painting, cleaning. I have done some kind of remodeling or re-decorating 10 spaces in this house. More than half the house and still I don't deserve to build a space of my own in a two story house that is currently being occupies by 3 people. I need either remove myself from this environment of 'Can't' or try and make my house into one of 'Can'. But I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Kind of sucks a lot when I think about it. All in all. I have no idea if I am fighting people or time, haven't even gone into get a full cancer free check up yet. But that in it's own is someone telling me I have a time limit - If the result comes back positive. We all know life's time limit - isn't told. You can be in accident tomorrow and pronounced dead - it's why you question why you do what you do and if you're happy doing it. If you aren't then you should be asking yourself what can I be doing to make myself happy. I'm trying to make myself happy- for more than a year now.
The house of can't - Hmmmmm.

Sleep Sitting Up

I'm drifting off the sleep as I write this. A bit of a mix of emotions.

My website was hacked . twice. I was not too upset, but I guess I just don't get the hacking thing. Hack banks and what not. I'm not even popular. Right after the hack mishap I started to think what I wanted the new site to preform on. I am now thinking of a new site design. I uploaded the program to run my site on friday night. Did my skeleton this morning. So basically the site is now mapped out.
I spent most of today working on the site and then I renovated. Worked on the washroom and the kitchen downstairs. Then I worked on the cover art. and painted some more.

More let down. Boyfriend was supposed to plan something for later I guess today. - He said he'd do something... then admits he forgot. I bet he even forgot that he would try to party with me this Halloween. I said this so long ago... what am I feeling? I'll be honest. I'm disappointed and at the same time I feel like.... this is so typical. Especially when it comes to guys and me. Really... I'm surprised I even feel disappointed about anything anymore.

Brother said no to the room swap again. Then I remembered. That used to be my room 10 years+ ago. I would like it back.