Thursday, January 28, 2010

Little Churns

I was okay most of the day. I think I went through most of it without taking any pills, but you know what. I actually feel better when I don't. I don't know what it is.
I'm still waiting for the test results. Am I not sick?? or what. I should go running again. I want to go running SO BAD!

I could barely text at work today or msn with friends the work load was crazy. I think I'm going to start the routine of getting red bull now. with some big bottle of water of vitamin water. I want to get breakfast from places around my work, but there isn't any places that are good for you to eat at in the morning, unless I hit up the salad loop.

My stomach churns a little as I'm on the train going home. errr. stress... ???
I chat with Darren for a bit tonight, we kinda have chatted a bit on the nights that we don't see each other. He tells me that he's always so happy to talk to me, or just to be with me :) *blush* that's so sweet. apparently people have been asking him why he's always smiling as he's texting me *smiles*. It's strange when I'm with him, I feel very comfortable. Like we've known each other for years on end.

Tomorrow is hectic. I wanted to work on something at home but cant I should go to sleep. I got to go into work early so I can work on it early as well. I should get to sleep on the train. :)

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


I've had a long day.
I decided yesterday that I had a couple of things that I wanted to pick up from ikea and asked Darren if he would like to join me in doing so. :) He does.
This morning the sky was beautiful. I don't know why there are certain days that make me feel like God is very much around us. I feel it in the warm breeze that blows my face as I walk in a cool of the Spring mornings. I feel it when I see the vanilla morning skies. These are the days that make me strangely feel... loved.
I worked all day, I missed my regular bus and made the other one going the other way where I transfer to take it to the station. I get to work on time. Today I spent it training the new girl. Well, just showing her the ropes. We have lunch together. She seems so unsure. She says that I seem to have an unplanned career goal. I tell her everything I'm currently doing. LOL . She seems to change her mind. I very much have goals it's just though everyone needs money, I don't see the need to work so hard you lose half your life to a job you hate doing in the first place. I do what I love and I love what I do. There is no other way to explain it. I end my work day in a bit of a rush. I make it down to lougheed station and take a bus to Port Coquitlam and get off in front of Namoo Sushi, where Darren came soon after to pick me up. After waiting for him to shower, we head on to Ikea, I was on a mission for a hamper and didn't come out with one. The funny thing is that we actually ate a little when we were there. I ended up getting my curtains and a night light for Baby Ethan and some dessert chocolate cake thing for my brother. We go home and catch the last period of the hockey game as we snacked away on green peas, popcorn, and maltesers.
He drops me home at the end of the night. He gives me a goodbye hug and a kiss on the cheek. *blush* ... G'night. *MUAH* ♥

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Assumptions Of Who I Am

On My Lunch Break:
I'm realizing more and more that I really need to be more ... protected. Though I blog, everyone must realize that I don't blog about every little detail that happens through out my day. I don't think anyone can. My memory isn't that great. If someone reads someone elses diary. Regardless if it's in a book or online. There is one realization the reader has to understand. This is NOT the definition of who that person is. This online journal, though a very much a part of me, is not the definition of who I am as a person. I can go from the little fantasy dreamy girl, to the serious artist and the business minded one in a flip of little switches. I don't write full descriptions and don't blog photos of everyone I meet and who I'm with because of the fact that I very much love my friends ( new or old ) and have chosen to protect them to a certain degree. Family members are blogged because this online diary was started on one of those basis. Family. So time to time they can look in and see that I'm doing just fine.

The more better I'm feeling these days the more I realize I have to get my routine back. I've been slacking to many weeks due to the fact that I've been having to deal with ME. All those that truly know me, know I have lots of projects going all at once, that I'm always in a constant motion of moving forward. Now more than ever. The last few weeks that I've been sick I was on pause! Taking it easy. Focusing on my health, something I had put back for the longest time. I let myself be open. Be let down and stressed out. I opened up to a couple of people, perhaps more than I should have opened myself up to. Some seem to get too comfortably close for my liking, wanting more than I can provide them. Some cross an unseen line without knowing and I step back to protect myself. In doing so, they take offense. I can't be all bubbly all the time, people have to realize that's very much my inner child showing itself. When I feel uncomfortable or to the point I know I have to protect myself even in the slightest way. My inner child will be protected by my inner wise woman. I step back from relationships with people to protect not only myself, but others as well. To dissolve any misunderstandings or miss-communications that may have arose. But wise woman seems to give off a different signal and people jump to the assumption of who I really am. I've been attacked by the opposite sex in different ways and have learned to shut off and cut off at a certain point, just to protect myself.

It's hard to maintain relationships on my end, when so many people are constantly bidding for my attention. That's why I was such a little mouse all the years back. I very much enjoy relaxation time to myself, and devote time to my family, true friends and loved ones. To focus on me as I push MY life forward. I'm not trying to build a life, I'm trying to build my empire... MUHAHAHAHAHAHAA *evil laugh* *cough* *cough* no.. I'm just trying to make history. ♥

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Weekend

My weekend was spent with my friend. I'd have to say, though there were a few emotional ups and downs. I was very much relaxed over this weekend. We hit up Richmond as he took me to eat some Taiwanese Fried Chicken with Rice. ( I had been craving KFC this week and this hit that craving too *smiles* ) It was very good. We hit up Micheal's and I purchase a large canvas for a painting for a client. Who seems to want a water effect design for a new series of bottles. I debated if I wanted to go small, but then the more I thought about it, go big or go home. We head on over to future shop. I run out of luck for my search for headset for my iphone, since my original one was broken. ( My friend ends up giving me his since he didn't think he'd need it anyways. I was skeptical when he gave it to me, but he assured me it was universal and would work.. it did. ) He was unable to find a cellphone case for his phone. We were tired out and head on home to rest. He makes crackers, with cheese spread and smoked salmon ( from smoked salmon that his dad made ) as we watched TV. He shows me a lure he made from his tackle boxes of little bits and pieces from his fishing gear. I ask him questions. I keep liking him more and more, I don't know how to tell him. His ability and willingness to learn new things that have to do with his passion. The fact I see him talk about his love of fishing with a passion ( the fact that fishing is his passion, that he even has one ) makes me like him more. As I sat there next to him on the couch, looking at all his fishing gear and the lure that sat upon his coffee table, I come to realize that fishing is very much it's own art. It takes creativity, time, and effort and like any good artist the understanding and appreciation of mother nature.

Sunday: I cried this morning, thinking about it. I had the need to be held, I couldn't help but ask "What if" again as I'm still waiting for the test results to come in ( I couldn't ignore the fact that even though I felt so much better, one of the symptoms I can't ignore so easily had returned and had been with me since Thursday through to Saturday. ) Me and Darren go for sushi again but for lunch this time. Darren tells me I look like I have more color today than the last two days when I was with him. ( I want to tell him what's up, but he doesn't want me to think that way. ) I joke about why I seem to have more color today than usual, we smile about it. After lunch I'm dropped off at home to find that dad was worried about me over the weekend thinking that I had taken drugs and took two days to recover or something. @_@ . I tell him. Dad, I was not drugged, nor have I ever taken drugs. But I come home to sleep a bit, blog, eat dinner, wash dishes, vacuum my room and some areas in the house which I later on mop. I head on over to my sisters place to drop off the baby clothes I had bought for Baby Ethan and to also check up on him. I head on home to finish what I had yet to record over the weekend. I come home and my stomach churns a little. I'm starting to get very tired of feeling sick. Though I don't feel this throughout the whole day like I did before. It still brings me to feel sad when I feel slightly sick everyday. I feel like it's never going to end. I don't want to take the pills cause I don't know if they even help. I just want to feel very much like ME again at 100%

Friday, January 22, 2010

Comedy Show & Ice Hockey

The day seemed to go by so quickly, where there was just work. Going on and on and on. I'm worried by lunch time, a symptom is back and I don't know how to tell anyone. It's one that is easily hidden. Just as long as I still have my color. I have to silently wait for the test results to come back before anything is sure. I try not to cry as I reapplied my makeup before I head out to meet up with a new friend Ryan. I had arranged to meet Ryan for some time since he contacted me from finding my contact from Youtube. He saw something and had to contact me to meet me. We decided to make it a fun night out of we were to and decided to get tickets for a comedy show. We meet up at the Keg for dinner. I get the honey garlic chicken and ribs. MMmM. I broke diet and I don't care! We then walked over to Lafflines to watch Michael Winslow from Police Academy. The show was cool, I got an autograph photo and a pic to go with it. It was great meeting Ryan, he seemed to have a certain passion about what he does. Passion that seems lacking in a lot of people these days.

I end the night going to watch a friend's ice hockey game ( drop in ), I hadn't been to Richmond Ice Centre in YEARS. It sure did bring back a lot of memories.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Going Back To Work

Last night Darren took me out to great sushi in Coquitlam to a place on Barnet Hwy. Named Osamu. We ordered some of my favorites to eat. Edimame, Vegetable Tempura, and a dish that was composed of variety of fresh sushi.
After dinner we returned to his place and watched the hockey game together. His prediction was dead on about the outcome of the game. He did miss the tie up goal though of the night. He was in the washroom for 3 seconds and missed it. He drops me off and hugs me goodbye.

I return to work. It turns out to be a really hectic day as I slowly ease it back to work. Fighting the urge to want to sleep through it all. At the end of the day, I rush back to the lab after work to drop of a little present for them to test. And I head on home, not before stopping the mall to window shop. Looking for random things here and there. Before hopping onto the bus for home.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Another Waiting Room

Today I walked into a medical lab to go get my blood work done, and having to give them the blood sample and stool sample. ( stool sample has yet to be dropped off to them ) I was in another waiting room. This one smaller with more people. I didn't mind going to this lab, because I'd been there before. Five to Six years ago.

I notice that people seem to take a number from the dispenser like it's a lottery. What's wrong with some people?! There was another lady that started to complain about how slow everything was going. Why this .. and Why that. I wanted to lecture her childish behavior and attitude. The truth of the matter is that this is a very small lab. If there is only one person working at the front desk, then so be it. It doesn't matter how many people is working at the front desk, whether it be one, two or three. The waiting room will still be backed up due to the fact that there is only limited space in the back where the screening and checks and blood work takes place. It only takes common sense to see this. The nurses are not just walking about doing nothing and having tea and cookies. Everything has procedures. Just cause you didn't plan out your day right and didn't see the possibilities before walking into a situation. Doesn't really give you that right to start complaining and rubbing your negativity off.

Finally it was my turn! It was very sweet when I sat down and one of my favorite songs started over the radio as I was messaging with Darren.
I calmed down from getting my blood taken for tests. I looked away when she poked me. But I turned to watch as my blood was quickly filling up the tubes. I thought to myself.. wow look how fast that's pumping out of me... I think if I was cut deeply I would bleed out! She tells me when she comes back in two minutes time that I need to give her a urine sample and gives me a little cup. I have never done this before. I guess there's a first for everything.

I've been contemplating an of doing a number of things lately . Like writing an email to the X to see how he's doing and to fill him in on me. I guess. I dunno. I guess I will be heading over to his place to drop off the last of all the things he has here. mm I guess I will email him.

Tonight... Dinner and watching the Canucks Game with Darren. :).
He is to feed me really good food tonight. at least I hope he does.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Man in the Gray Sweater?

I took today off to get checked out.
I get a good morning message from Darren this morning. *smiles* but I was still dreading the fact I have to do what I have to today. Go see the doctor. These stomach issues just aren't fun to deal with. I go on my own. As I walk in and wait in the waiting room full of people ( some times I didn't even have space to sit I just stood there like a weirdo ) I wanted to leave, I just wanted turn and go home. I text Darren. He assures me that it's okay. That I'll be just fine. Well you know how doctors are supposed to be the man in white~! Well my doctor was wearing a Gray Sweater. He came in I said I was looking for a full check up. He suggested a blood test. I tell him what's going on with my digestion problems (* I didn't tell him everything but he ordered some other tests with the blood test anyways to be safe *) He says everything I'm telling him sounds like IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. He prescribes pills. ( PILLS ... I HATE PILLS ) . They cost me 60$ for 60 pills... which means... the pills are a dollar each. WOW . The pharmacist lady tells me that there are two triggers sometimes for IBS. That it can be certain foods and stress. So, I have to watch what I eat and NO STRESS!

My dad was starting things up with me again asking this and that of what the doctor said. Asking what I can be stressing about. ( Dad doesn't realize that his negativity a lot around the house expels a lot of energy that triggers me to absorb and get stressed. He isn't even yelling at me most of the time but it stresses me out. )

Today Doctors, Tomorrow, The Blood Tests.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Steping Away

I didn't note that that night that I returned home after spending the day with my friend I text messaged DC. His choice to not communicate with me drew the conclusion that he's not the kind of guy I want to be with. I told him I felt hurt from his actions and decided to back off. That this way it saves the relationship of everyone amongst our circles. As much as I did like him. It only takes one action to show me, if he was ever the right one for me or not. ONE.. it just takes one that allows me to see and take that deep breath and move on.

Jon, mmm Jon. One thing I can say is that I value friendships I've made through out my life. To make friends and lose friendships are hard for me. I wish him nothing but the best in his life, love, health, and family. I wish him nothing but success in all things he does here on out.

My friend Darren texts me today and asks me if I'd like to join him for dinner and to watch the hockey game at his house Wednesday night.
Mmmm I say sure. Why not.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Refreshing Day To Remember

I was messaging with a friend Darren throughout the early morning. I called him at 2am to talk instead. He was already wanting to call me in the morning and drag me out for lunch. But I called him first, he was very surprised. But I hope it was a sweet surprise. I don't know why I just decided to call him, I sucked it up and did it. I got him caught up on almost everything that's been going on with me lately. The issue with the crush, a bit of my health, the people in my life. etc. etc. We talked for HOURS! He gave me advice, and more. In the end he kept bouncing back and fourth wondering if I just need time relax before dragging me out for lunch or some kind of meal. He then ends up taking a chance at the day and decides he wants to take me out anyways. Saying we both had nothing but to gain from the experience of one another and our company. (*SO SWEET*). We end our talk and go to bed in the early morning hours. I wake up a few hours later by my mom and I can't seem to go back to sleep. I decide to work out around 10:00am and I go downstairs an hour later or so to do some work for a business card design. It wasn't long after I started to working on the card design that my friend wakes up. Sleepy and tired he still calls me to talk and see what I'm up to. I work away as I talk to him. I wrap up what I'm working on and bring my things back upstairs. We make our plans for today which wasn't much and just involved going to Richmond for lunch. I go shower as he gets ready to come and makes his way over. By the time I was ready with everything he shows up. I lock up, I walk out to a dry day and a bit of sun out and clouds in the sky kind of day. I call Dad to tell him I'm heading out and turn to come and see that he is standing out of his HUGE truck and walking up to greet me with a hug. :) He helps me into his big truck. My first thought. WOW. It was so big and roomy inside it was amazing, I had never sat in such a high / big vehicle that isn't a bus. First time riding in a big truck! Wooh. The view is so different. On the drive away from home I was a bit nervous! but I loosened up. Especially on the drive over the bridge, the view from the truck is higher, and you see over everything and it was just beautiful! We head towards Richmond and the drive there and the view was also just enjoyable. We get to Yaohan centre, cause he was craving food from the food court. As we were getting out of the car, he quickly gets out to see if I needed any help climbing out of the car I joked about how I thought I would fall and smash my face. And when I was getting out of the car, my phone falls to the ground! ( Rather my phone than my face! ) when we were at the food court he kindly gives me money when I said that I didn't have any cash and just to pay him back later on. I end up getting congee with Chinese doughnut ( you can never eat congee without Chinese doughnut! well I can't at least. ) I ordered the Hong Kong Style, I didn't know what was in it but hey, I'm never too scared to try something new. He was already seated when I got my food and joined him. I don't know what it is. When I catch his eyes and his smile. We debate as we finish lunch what else we could do or wanted to do.( I didn't think we were going to do anything else to be honest! LOL I just thought we were going for lunch. Which turns to a whole day hang out ) he started naming out things we could do and I chose rent a movie. ( I didn't really feel like sitting in a theater full of people ). I watch him as he thinks to himself how dirty his place is and he agrees. We leave and as we got to his car, he does his gentleman thing and opens the door for me to climb up and into the car. ♥ Before today, I don't even remember the last time a guy held the door open for me as I got into the car. *strange* I'm kinda taken by him doing this. We have a drive to rented some movies. Jennifer's Body ( Which I thought would be scarier and was a bit of a let down ). Inglorious Bastards ( Which I felt was well written in a story line ). We get to his place and he asks me to wait for a bit outside as he swoops all his clothes that were all about off the couches. Well as we were about to pop the movie in, I ask if he had a blanket. ( One thing about me is I'm blanket addicted when it comes to sitting and watching a movie at home especially if it's a scary movie. A guy is not going to do anything to make me feel safe. A blanket does! ) He didn't just have a simple throw so he goes into his room and grabs his huge king size duvet blanket for me to snuggle up in. I sat on one end of the couch as he laid down on it. Once and awhile as I sat there next to him he's end up resting his head on my stomach. Using the blanket as a cushion between us. My hand would for some reason find it's way to his head and play with his short hair. LOL. In between movies he made me popcorn and then made some mini pizzas. I caught him with a big smile as he was popping them in the oven and I asked him what was up. He thought it was a bit funny that he was feeding me mini pizzas. But to me, I didn't want to have the bother of going out to grab something and coming back to finish our movie. Inglorious Bastards was well written to me and I so called it when the girl gets shot. *sigh* Too much of a writers brain when I watch movies. After the movie was done we rest and watch TV for a bit before we decided to leave and he drops me back home. We turn out from his street and down a hill and I was taken back by the night view of the city. WOW. I wish I had my camera. I wish I had the ability to transfer little moments in my life that I see through my eyes onto film. We drove by a bus and was amazed at the height of his truck. Drops me off, I hop out of his white chariot of a ride and our meeting today ends the same as it began... with a hug. :).

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Feeling Better!

Yesterday~ In the morning I woke up wanting to vomit. I wanted to vomit on the bus. But I didn't, I make it to work alright. I get some salad from the Salad loop and what not and just went about my day at work. I talk to Ed on msn about how I was feeling and he seemed so upset with me trying to convince me to get off work and just get checked out. I will book a day off next week and go. It's time to find out. I was supposed to work half day but ended up working the whole day and then some! which totally sucked. I finally hear from DC, who's in Whistler. I feel I've been ignored for about more than a week. Why am I still holding on to faith. I guess cause I can't picture myself with him. A part of me believes we may never even be now. Me being me, I'm always working on a plan B. I really can't just FALL, and just keep falling. That's just flipping stupid. I've worked my heart to be stronger than that. Plus, I'm starting to fall back into single-dom. What does this mean. I'm putting myself out there again, looking with my eyes wide open. Meeting new people. The thing with me is that I have no problem meeting guys. I don't think I ever have, it's meeting the right guy. That GREAT GUY.
My Great Guy!

Today ~ I wake up and check my messages. I get good morning messages from friends. :) tehehe I have come to love morning messages.( FL - this is your fault! you spoiled me during our time together! LOL. jkjk. ) I feel a little broken about ending my friendship with someone who seems to be wanting more than I can ever really give to him. I really want him to rebuild his life and become that great man I see him to be in my eyes. He has so much potential, so much love to give. But like I said, I don't feel that I can be the one to return the same. Not now anyways. I head out to and meet up with my friend Ben who takes me to Dim Sum with some of his ex-co workers. I must say, this was perhaps the most entertaining lunch I may have ever had. I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard over a meal, wait, I do, it was also with Ben. Hmmm. Interesting, I guess Ben is a fun one to be around. We end lunch and go to Voltage and I get the big giant doughnut. I've been eyeing for sometime. I don't know if I should give it to my sis for baby Ethan, I have a big temptation to keep it for myself.

It's pretty awesome. We hit up Metro, we walk around and get what we need to get. I bought baby clothes for baby Ethan. Ben bought a pair of pants. In and out. We head back home and get BBT on the way. We talk and I come to realize that Ben has the same train of thought in thinking about life. We always have to have a goal. We always have to be striving for SOMETHING. I don't see this in a lot of guys and the truth is, when I don't, It's a turn off! He tells me I very much have an application form as I'm looking for a guy. I think about what he says. I wonder is it bad to have a set of qualifications already in mind when I'm looking for a guy. Is it that bad to know what it is I want?  He tells me some guys will change to meet them, that I would never know. ( I see what he's trying to say. ) For me, there are just some commonalities I do wish for a guy to have. I've come to realize as he drops me home that I really just want to meet new people right now. Life is Short. I remember my deal to myself. That I won't commit into a relationship till I know... you know... that I'm 100% okay.

I go and visit my sister and baby Ethan. He seems to look like her more. It's incredible. I watch her with the baby. I see the photos of her and Pete on the walls. In my heart I want that. I thought I had that, but I never really did.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Strengthening The Heart

This is my theory of the heart.
Why I got into vent working out instead of moping and vent eating.

If the heart is strong, it can with stand a lot.
When one experiences heart break, it weakens the heart.
So work out ( cardio ) to make up for it.

If I feel I am about to be sick, I will work out.
If I can take care of the heart. The heart will be strong enough to take care of everything else.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Always Thinking What If

I thought a lot today at work and on the train. I thought about Jon and our deal of not talking to one another for a week. Then I remembered it was his birthday Tomorrow. Should I call and say happy birthday or text. I thought about everything he was going through. It must be so rough. If I can help him out while boosting my portfolio, why not. He makes money as I make money.

I thought on the train about being on PoF. There are some risks being me, But look at me. I blog and youtube. Being signed on an online dating thing to meet new people to make new friends. Is this what I get for never becoming a clubber, or a social butterfly through the years? But the truth is, some of my greatest friends that I've come to always talk and keep in contact with were friends I met through online. Asian Avenue... oh you. DC is still in the back of my head. But I'm always thinking What IF, I'm preparing myself for the worse for rejection. I hate that word. REJECTION. Let alone to feel this, but to inflict it also hurts my heart.

I missed the bus going home and decided to go shopping. I finally buy those bedsheets I wanted. :) the ones I got now are too colorful for my liking. I just settled and bought them cause they were cheap. The X had picked them out. They don't even go with my room really. I never wanted to settle for them but I want to sleep and indulge in my bed. Since I'm so addicted to it.

Was messaging with friends who are so funny. Some of them make me laugh out loud. I love it. To smile ... to feel ... happy. Single hood. Is hard when you've become so addicted to the things of couple hood. I just don't like going through things on my own. I realized this. Happy moments and Sad moments. There should always be someone there for you, a support system. It's like that movie. About A Boy, what they say in the movie "No Man Is An Island".

Today is a sad day for me. Someone I feel is a great person can't be friends with me cause they want something that I don't really feel I can live up to at the moment, or even in the near future. I can't right now cause my heart really does lie with DC till he tells me if he wants to be with me or not. But like I said, I'm always thinking of what if. I'm building that support system to catch me if things don't turn out the way I feel it should. Cause the truth is... life will throw unexpected things at us all the time.

I think What IF a lot. especially. what if I am sick. I have yet to feel 100% yet. Though I am better than the last. Another symptom is still with me. Not the best to feel a little pain everyday. I keep it to myself cause I really don't like to talk about it. If I go to the doctors and they tell me the worse of the worse. Do I fight it? If I fight it... will I survive? If I have it, how to I tell everyone.. my boss, my parents ... my friends? If I don't have it ... What's making me sick? I've changed my diet to the extreme. I may break it once a week but I watch everything I eat. I've worked my body to be stronger yet still get stomach aches now and then. The symptoms that come and go every other day and why everyday I feel more tired out. Why I'm hungry and would feel nauseous, think if food and I'm nauseous. ... I think about this everyday. I cry a little too sometimes. I try so hard not to, I pretend nothing is wrong. I am SO thankful for the days when everything does go right! SO THANKFUL. But I still push a little longer before I have to book that date to see the man / woman in the white coat.
I am SO scared.
Am I thinking about it too much?

Maybe I should just step back. From everyone right now.
Maybe I should just stop...

Does it make sense now?
Why I lost the weight, focused on Cardio, Started to eat healthy.
Why I blog, why I started to youtube, why I paint again, why I sing, why I song write, why I want to finish my book, why I keep creating. Why I'm not afraid to pursue who I want to pursue and the things I want to, why I keep going...

cause I'm still here.
I'm Still Here.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Salad Loop Mornings

I will show you what I usually get in the mornings when I go to the salad loop.
Spinach, some white stuff that's good and I don't know what it is, baby corn, baby carrots, tofu ♥ (so good), some noodle salad mix, some rice salad mix, some fruits and cherry tomatoes. little bit of Potatoes, I love potato salad, but I don't think I can really eat that anymore.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Going Back

I don't think we can ever go back to anything we ever want in this life. Things we believe we need, or feel we do at least. You know when people say... lets just start over. Can they ever really? Go back like everything that ever happened between them never happened. The good, the bad and the ugly.

Lest just record what happened today.
I went to work, I walked by that runned over rat with his / her guts everywhere on the road. How did I avoid this situation? I closed my left eye and walked on by turning ever so slightly away from it so I didn't have to see it on the road. I run for the bus this morning, now I think about it maybe that's why I was so tired. The bus driver was nice enough to wait for me. Packed again. I go to work today. My boss had some what of an accident and is feeling worse than before. I think I will have to go into work everyday this week. Even though I'm not feeling 100%. I ordered my lunch from Oysi Oysi, a sushi restaurant by my work. I order a dynamite roll, yam tempura and edimame. But it turns out that they messed up my order. They gave me a tempura roll. I've eaten all my meals today and I get stomach hungry noises now. Which is so strange. I come home and walk by the rat again this time I close my right eye and turn slightly to the left and walk on by. It's dark so I can't really see much anyways which is good. I let the little one out of his confinement as he starts to follow me around now I'm home.

After speaking to a few of my friends, I sign up for Plenty of Fish. I know I know LAME. But I need to meet new people and make new friends. So. Hey. Why not.

Monday, January 11, 2010


That is what I feel like. From DC... ignored. I'm okay but I'm kinda hurt.
OK lets press play now.

I was walking to the bus stop this morning and I exit my house to spot a pair of runners that I had been secretly hoping that they would meet. It's cute. I smile. There has been this old man and this old lady that go running in the morning. I never seen them together before and I always would say Good Morning to them as I walked by on my way to the bus stop. The old lady would always be ahead of the guy. I had secretly thought it would be wonderful if the two met. But today they were speed walking together away down the hill away from my house :) . Soon after I turn my block and something on the road catches my attention. Curiosity... UGH. I look down thinking maybe someone lost a glove... only to find that it was a dead rat! Gross! Yet I felt kind of sad. I've been this way for a while now. Since the beginning of Summer I guess. I feel bad when I see a dead crow, or rat, or even when I step on a snail. I feel so awful, it's so awful to hear the crushing of the shell that you just created! that you just killed a snail! *sigh* Yeah... well I continue on my way. I make it this time to the normal bus I should always take that goes straight the train. The bus is filled with students. I can barely get on and fit now a days. Why are our bus' still running every half an hour, I have no clue. Nothing new happens besides the fact that I write the rest of the song I came up with last night and finish it on the train. This one is a good one too. I feel weird the whole day wearing loose fitting clothes. even something that was once skin tight on me a couple weeks ago is now loose. WHAT'S GOING ON! *sigh* I didn't think I would lose much more in my arms and legs but I did. stomach. when are you going? I'm feeling really close to 100% today. Until a little after lunch. Around 2, I go to the bathroom and whatnot and put on makeup. I was feeling a bit... PALE. A symptom comes back that I've been dealing with and I get a bit freaked. I'd been so good the last couple months. Just recovering from feeling so sick and this happens. I'm not so happy. I want to cry but I can't cause I really don't want to. I suck it up and put on make up. I come back... I sit down and work on the identity package I'm working on I start messaging with Ed, I want to cry. I try not to. I tell him my secret, I've known Ed for more than ten years plus, but I've spoke to him so often that it doesn't even feel like it was that long ago that I last saw him. I tell him cause he's close yet not that close. I come to realize he's the 6th / 7th to know my secret. My Fear. He agrees to go with me when I get checked up. All I got to do is call him up. ♥ He's a great friend. I finish up my work and stay 45 mins later to wrap it up. I hand in my paper for the health benefit from work. I'll be waiting on that. I'm tired by the end of work. It's not 5pm and I'm tired. I haven't even done anything! I'm kinda upset with myself. On the train going home. I sit for a bit then offer up my seat to an old lady. Even though I'm tired, I know I can stand it through. I can stand lady, it's quite alright, just let me stand while I still can. I look strangely into the reflection in the sky train window. I don't look like me anymore. I don't know what is the "me" I remember.. what I looked like before? I guess I remember the rounder me. The fatter me. Jon has not messaged me all day. I'm worried. Maybe my words were too harsh. I thought about it on the way home. I thought... Who am I to tell him to stop. To Let Go. I take it back. I want to tell him. Be Glad. Take hold of what you still can. Be glad and try to take time and place it on your side. Take time and use it wisely. Love wisely, not blindly. Because you have the power of your life in your hands. But then again those two things are so hard to control. SO powerful and difficult. We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt that we control our time, but we never can control time itself. But do we? Do we control our own time? The truth is we can only do so much.

Do or Die Mode: Do it now or Die never having tried.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Chatting With Friends

Sometimes I think this is some of the greatest therapy. Communication.

JL tells me today an awesome quote that I have to remember. So I shall blog it.
"Sze, you don't die at the end of life. You just explode into a firey ball of awesome."

Ahh.. Love it. I just love it.


I'm starting to hate the ones that post such sexual comments of disgust on my comments and user channel on youtube. I know that this is something that I have to deal with and I have up to now. The truth is, I really don't care if they make verbal attacks and comments about me. But when and if someone else I'm associated with who is a friend, or someone I know or someone I care for is brought into the attack or accusation as well! I get pissed off!

One thing is to attack me... I'm fine with that, direct what you need to say at ME! about ME! and ME ONLY! do not ever, EVER attack someone I love or care for because I will not have forgiveness so close in my heart for you. I'm the kind of person if I ever see someone I care for or love being attacked, as in real life. I will jump in. I will fight. I have before, when my friends are attacked I protect them with my life! I will not hold back. I will say what I feel, think and believe and make the situation turn on you. YOU WILL feel my wrath. Believe me. When I fight, I fight to win. Physically and Verbally.

I have made men afraid of me when it comes to standing my ground. Believe me. I'm not one of those people you want to be on the bad side of.

Zenning Out

This afternoon I weighed in at 110 pounds. after a series of 3 - 1 hour work outs. my abs hurt. I can see it in my face and my body, the slimming and weight loss of 5 pounds. ( I didn't even do much to lose the 5 pounds ). I look at me now once and a while and I wonder who I'm looking at. I still have the tummy pudgy. I guess I have to start doing straight stomach crunches now cause I really would like to live without this tummy fat for once in my life.

I'm over at my sister's place. Ethan is so adorable, but he doesn't do anything but sleep! well cause he's a newborn and that's what newborns do. They sleep. He's in my arms for a while. As I sit on the couch. As I move him to his room. I go sit on the rocking chair with him in my arms. He's so beautiful. I sing to him making up a song. when I stop he squirms a little and starts making a little baby noise so I continue to sing a song as I make it up along the way. He seems to find it comforting. I start to tear up and feel tears coming down my face. I'm not sobbing just tears. I'm thinking of IT again. I wonder what he's going to look like when he's older. Is he going to look like what I saw him to be in my dream once. He ran up to me and hugged my legs and looked up at me. That's how I was so sure it was a boy. A miniature version of his father with large eyes a big round head and me and my sister's nose.

Joey runs up as I just sit and pet him for a while. I give him a puppy massage around his tense neck area. He calmly lays down to say by me as I massage on for a bit and I stop and she rests at my feet a little.

Feeling very tired tonight. I think it's early bed time for me.
I hope Jon gets great sleep tonight, he's emotionally tired out :( .

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Nothing a Work Out Can't Fix

I'm still not feeling 100% but I do feel a lot better than I did this week. I worked out about 3 hours today. Maybe a little shorter but they were through out the day hour long work outs during various times. I feel so much better. But now my abs hurt.

I'm chatting with a friend. Jon. I hope that he gets through his ordeal and his divorce well. I know through time his heart will mend. He'll be stronger. Though he doesn't see this now. He will. He has to search for his own definition of his happiness without a woman who was very much a love of his life. But his kids. They should be #1. Focus love there. Exude greatness and love will come to you.

Sad Mornings

It's been a week plus since New Years. I'm still waiting to hear if he wants to meet me half way. I want him to know I don't care about the animosity that comes our way, I just want to try. To be with him, to see if we have more than meets the eye. My heart feels like it's breaking but faith still lives there. I want to be with him that much. I hate ... sad mornings. lonely good nights. no hands to hold. no one to embrace. not being able to love him.

Maybe I'm having stress pains. I'm going back to sleep.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Working Out & Crying

Yeah... never a good mix. I was running in spot.. doing punches and knees ( 45 mins ) and it was only the last ten minutes of my work out I lay down to do stomach crunches where I start to feel it. The tears... I was thinking to myself... 63%... that's not very good. 63%... I got up and started running in spot... talking to Mia's photo that's on my mirror, talking to her in my head. Asking her to be with me through this. I couldn't help but cry.... I keep running cause if I'm more breathless, I'll cry less. I love running. It's the only thing that makes me feel the most...alive.

The Awkward Conversations

This nauseous thing lasting this long is a problem but thank God I feel SO much better today! But when talking about it to my boss, he was concerned and said I should go get checked out. Everyone else who I'm talking to is saying the same as well. I KNOW I NEED TO GET CHECKED OUT! I'm just really really scared at what the doctor has to tell me.

I'm going to admit something right now. My whole digestion thing and having problems is not new. I always have had stomach problems after I eat. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner. I can eat healthy meals for months on end and still get sick. I got tired of having upset stomach so much that I would start to skip meals and just have ONE meal a day on the really really lazy days. When I just stay in bed or work at home. I'd just have a Breludin. < Breludin is my word for ( Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner all in one ). Now a days I can't do Breludin's anymore. My stomach won't take it. Since losing all the weight, my body has less body fat to eat away at. I have been eating healthier and not skipping any meals. Still I'll have upset stomachs on some days and others I would be great. But since I've been really watching what I eat I have been ok, it's just been recently I started to get this sickly feeling again. I had this a couple months back. But this week it lasted the longest. But my upset stomach thing is so common with me, I've always been an easy one to get the tummy aches. I know this is not normal. Me not really knowing what is really wrong. Me Building the speculation of my secret. Pushes me to the extreme. I will get checked out soon, I know I have to, but believe me when I say I'm really really scared.

My mind has been in Do or Die mode ever since this blog started. Everyday I'm a different person, I push, I keep going cause I have to. That's why I'm so bold...bolder.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Am I Slimming?

Without working out? I think in the last 4-6 days I've dropped a couple pounds. I'm not too sure. I put on my tights this morning and I scrunch my face. They're loose. It's a size small- medium how can they be loose? Maybe It's just me. But then again I look at my legs and I think to myself. Have they gotten slimmer as well? They look skinner than I last remember. Then again there's been this thing with me lately like when I look in the mirror, I don't even recognize me. I've been 115 for 3 months now and I'm still not used to looking at me. Just not too long ago I thought to myself as I was video editing... When did I get dimples? Have I always had dimples? I put on my boots this morning. The ones that usually hug my caffs so sexy and again. They are loose as well. What's going on? Maybe it is just me. Through out the day today I look down to my legs as I went to washroom and sat there on the toilet. I looked at my ruffled tights around my knees. I stick one or two fingers into my boots. I wonder am I slimming?

This morning I was feeling fantastic as I walked to the bus stop. I was so glad no nauseous feeling. I text my face book. ( I started to feel a bit sick on the train ) I go and buy breakfast at the salad loop and fruits too. I eat nearly all of it but for a handful of things and leave it for lunch. I work away at work and when it got to lunch time I finish the rest of what was left from breakfast and I head out to urban market across the street for some snacks. ( I was starting to feel sick again, I had to eat something, thinking it might curve the sickly feeling ) Digestive biscuits, a Bolt House fruit drink and I bought a box of the pink pocky and some chocolate covered almonds. I didn't eat the pocky. But I did snack a little on the digestive cookies and the juice and a little bit of the chocolate covered almonds. Though I was getting full, I was getting sick soon after again. This time it lasted till I left work. I make my way to the train station, I hear Jugo Juice guy's voice and see him walking out and around his counter. He spots me and I smile and wave goodbye. He waves back and says bye, I respond to him saying bye in return. *sigh* Jugo Juice guy, you are beautiful. I make my way to the train. I walked around the mall. Looked and tried on party dresses. You know the adult dresses for get together where some girls look so fabulous in. Well not me. It's the hardest thing. Nothing my boobs don't like to ruin. I walk around the mall some more, I go into La Senza, which by the way has become one of my favorite shops. I don't know why I'm so attracted to buy lingerie now, I'm not even seeing or going out with anyone. Maybe cause of the fact it actually makes me feel sexy when I wear it. All about the feel of that power. LOL. Well when I was in there a girl who works there asks me where I got my boots from. I think for a second and respond. Sterling. She was shocked and goes on to say her legs are skinny too and she's been looking for boots to fit her but hasn't found the luck. @_@ . I look at her legs. They are skinny. Her words reassures my thoughts of this morning that my legs are skinny! I feel ... I don't know. A little down by this comment. I walk out of the store cause I'm too tempted to buy lingerie, but if I do I'll only feel lonely cause I have no one to wear it for. *sigh* . I walk around and make my way to bed bath and beyond. I look at bed duvet covers and wonder if I should buy a nice one. But the ones I like are all WHITE. I think I have to shop around. I look at shower curtains and spot an awesome one. If I had my own place I would so get it! It's of all the different faces you can make online using the semi colon and colon and brackets and what not. Here I took a pic of it. Ben texts me and we chat a little. I tell him about feeling sick again and he tells me to take care of myself better. I tell him the truth, that I've always been like this off and on. Doesn't really matter what I eat, I get sick after. I don't know what triggers it. But I do watch it. What I eat more than before. I do break the rules but after chatting with Lan for a while during lunch at work. I'm starting to think maybe I should just stick to liquids for a while. To flush out whatever maybe making me sick. And if it's nothing I can flush out. I really have to book that appointment for that full check up. That reminds me. I got the paper to fill out for my health benefit from work. I'm waiting for the house to quiet down before I start to re-record the song I sang last night. Giving it all this time. I didn't realize how bad it was yesterday till I heard it again when I got home. I need voice lessons. I want to learn how to sing properly so I CAN sing.

This song I'm trying to record, is one inspired by DC.
I'm still waiting for DC. My hearts starting to ache a little now, I don't think it's good news for me at all. but I can't lose faith. Never lose faith in love. I thought to myself today. Someone should be or not be with someone of who they are as a person, they shouldn't be judged on the basis of who they've been with ( as in past relationships ). To Trev, I think about how he always keeps asking me why one of his friends, why I can't find some other guy. My answer to that is. Every guy is different, I can see great attributes in guys that make me question why they are still single. But it's very rare for me to come across a guy that I think is great to the point that I want to be with them. I realized now that I never want to settle for just close enough, when it comes to going into a relationship and finding the right one. DC just fits so many qualities that are in a guy that I want to be with that I'd be an absolute fool not to try. I'll wait a little longer, stretch faith out a little longer. Sing my heart out.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010


I keep listening to her cd. I love her. Her voice is amazing.

Sleeping Did Not Help

I wake up around 1am ish. Thank God I took the day off. Or I'd be crying at work again. I really don't like feeling sick. I don't like how my family doesn't buy good edible food. If I buy food they eat it all. Which means my house has nothing for me to really munch on. Which means I did try eating... I ate some jerky. Yes. I'm still feeling sick.

My dog is sad not being able to come in my room the last two days. His butt thing started again. Gross.

Feeling lonely lately. Being sick and all. I wish I could just crawl into bed and cuddle.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

To Eat or Not To Eat

I cried at work today, It was my own fault. I'm not feeling very well today, then again lately. Today especially. I'm hungry, but I'm nauseous. If I do eat I feel sick. When I don't eat I feel sick. I look up what this means and it leads me to information that triggers my fear. I cry! I can't help it, I don't want to, the tears just start rolling down my face. I'm not sobbing, just tears. I will never look up health issues at work again. I still have this weird sickly what ever this is! I hope it passes. I pray it passes. I'm going to sleep early, in hopes I sleep it off. Good night world. I hope you embrace my project. I hope for nothing but the best.

Hope is all I have left in all things.

Launching Project_To:You

I said to God today, if the scratch and win I buy today wins more than I expect it to ( 5$ ) I will launch Project _ To: You. I will post my two videos that I filmed a couple plus days ago. God won. He awarded me with 15$ with my scratch and win crossword. I won back my money and then some from yesterday as well.
This video was filmed some time ago. On a night I had decided to let go of someone I'd been trying to let go of for sometime now. I filmed this with the thought of never having the chance to be with him. But by the end of it, my secret popped up in the back of my mind and I thought about everyone else I loved. That if I never get the chance to again, this is where I tell them I love them.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Work. Work. Think

Been working all day. I was meditating half the time, trying to concentrate on work as I fought the pain. I would walk the halls to the washroom. Anything to work off the pain. The cramps that mother nature likes to bestow on me ever month.

I come home to find that it's time to upload another youtube video. This time I'm asking How Much Is Too Much? Make Up. I uploaded this video as I chatted. As it processed I went and mopped and cleaned.

As I was cleaning the mop pads I thought to myself. I don't hate Trevor. I don't think I can ever hate him. I hate moments he has taken from me. Moments that made me cry. Moments I can't have back. I forgive him. Those moments are passed now. It's time to make new moments with someone that actually wants to be with me.
That's who I should to be with, someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Musical Love

I saw this music video sometime ago and watched her perform during the new years musical performances during new years on TV. I love her songs. Listening to her in the arms of someone I care for made that moment extra special. Artist: Colbie Calliat

My Health

When I started this blog is when I really started to worry about my health. Not much people know that. The big secret of why I started to eat right, go lose that unhealthy weight. Started blogging, started YouTube ing.

I'm feeling more tired these days, easily tired out. I didn't feel this way when I was in Toronto (wait, now I think about I did). But I did go to bed earlier. But when I wake up in the morning to go to work downtown and work and by the time I'm heading home I'm already tired. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. But I push on, cause I don't want to lose any time and continuously working on. Blogging, Filming, Writing, Singing, Designing. Living.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

I'm Tired of Him

I'm tired of the X. How he has the ability to break me. To make me feel so sad, so upset, to make me cry. I've become so emotional. I want to respect his wishes but his wishes come at the cost of my happiness of my love. He broke up with ME! He controlled that moment. I tried to break things off with him before and he said NO.. He controlled that moment. I want to see someone I've fallen for ( the sad coincidence I tell him is that he's a friend of his. ) and he says NO. He is controlling this moment. Even though we aren't together anymore. This is so stupid.

I fell for his friend because of all the little things that the X never showed me. Qualities of a man I really want to be with. Qualities he lacked.

I feel like just cutting my losses. Because I've become so emotionally drained from crying here and there. I should simply let them have their friendship. ( and the face-friendship that me and the X seem to only have now ) I will remove myself from the picture. Suck up the pieces of my broken heart and sacrifice my chance at happiness with one of the greatest guys I've ever come to know. The truth is every time I am with DC he surprises me with the little things he says or does. I some how like him more and more. I realized this as I was with him last during new years. Which makes letting him go harder and harder. When I was seeing other guys, I would think of DC. When I was with DC, I thought of NO ONE ELSE. I didn't even want to talk about the X, but there were somethings I did want to know. But saying his name in the presence of DC made me feel like someone was scratching nails on a chalk board. I hated it. When I'm with DC I never want him to see me as his friends X. Just a girl. Cause I'm not the same girl that my X went out with. I'm weaker and at the same time stronger, I'm now different. I have more worries, more goals, more growth. I see DC as just a guy. A great guy. A great guy that I want to be my great guy. I thought to myself once if I had to describe him in one sentence. This is what I ended up with, He has become my longest thought.

It's hard to find someone you want to love. It's even harder to have found them and let them go. You know what. I don't want to, a part of me can't, I'll regret not knowing, not loving.
My X has his new girlfriend now and is happier now. I wish him well. I keep wondering is it that hard for him to wish me well? regardless who it is that makes me happy. Does my X hate me? so much so he can't see me, doesn't want to see me???

Welcoming Baby Ethan!

In the middle of my morning blog I get a call that my sister is going into labor!
She's in labor for 1 hour and 15 minutes and Ethan came into the world. He's beautiful. Baby boy. Came in to the world 1:17pm @ 7 pounds.
I was so upset at my dad as we went to the hospital and he didn't want to pay for parking. He wasted the time to go drive around to just drop me off in the front of the hospital. He continues to make strange comments as we waited in the waiting area and he left before the baby was even born. *honesty* I didn't think I would be by myself ( single ) when my sister gave birth. I always thought I would have a loved one by my side to share this joyous occasion. I realized. Life is full of surprises.

Friday, January 01, 2010

Reflections Of Then To Now

I spent the last couple hours taking a step back. At first I cried for me. Then I cried for them. Who them? I'm reading the first book of a four volume book which was created and compiled by three authors, one of the three was my teacher when I went to the AI of V. After stopping around half way of the first volume, after swearing here and there from disbelief, shedding some tears here and there. I came to realize I should be grateful. I never lived in war, I was never raped, I was never beaten to the point of near death, I should be grateful for what I do have. I am.

Then I break again, I cry because of the thought that I can't love the person I want to love. The person I've wanted to love for so long. I think about one of my biggest secrets. I wonder should I break it, just tell everyone. It's not much of a secret since a handful of people know now. This secret is just a thought but it pushes me to be how I am now. It makes so much sense to those who know. Why I'm so honest, ambitious and why I've been in a constant motion of moving forward. Why I'm working harder, smarter, and why I'm not afraid to keep striving for everything that are my goals because this secret scares death.

I've stopped crying now. This secret always brings me back to a place in me where I can't cry, I can't show weakness. I can't have it break me.

Hugh's words pop into my head. His theory for relationships.
"Work It Out" or "Fuck It".
If you don't want to fuck it, work it out.
If you don't want to work it out, fuck it.

Sweet and BLANK

I didn't think I'd feel this way when he tells me he needs some time to think now.

I don't want to hate the X, but I'm starting to. I feel like telling him to forget that we even happened. Just let me have my happiness. I keep tearing and I can't help myself as I write this. I have to step back in my mouse hole for a while now.

I felt loved this morning. Now I feel blank.

Sweet Start To A New Year

The day started like any other. but more dressy because of my plans to go to dinner and a new years eve party. I changed them to spend it with a little someone who asked me early afternoon to spend the night with him since he wasn't feeling so well, coughing and etc. It was unexpected to me he would ask me to spend the evening with him watching movies. I couldn't say no on the fact that I said I was going to tell something very important. I go over to his place and cook him dinner (I hadn't eaten lunch and was starving! at this point). What I was going to tell him I didn't really need to, since he felt the same to. We watched. Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs. The movie was so funny. I loved it. After that we watched Zombie Land. Why? I must ask, why did they have to put a clown in it! We counted down together like we had did last year as well, but this time it was just us together. This was the most intimate new years I've ever had. Ringing the new year with someone I care for. He wasn't feeling so well so he drives me home around 2am after a short nap and I come to feel this is a sweet start to a new year.