Wednesday, March 24, 2010

How Am I Supposed To Feel?

I felt the cold chill creep onto my skin as he asks to talk. We all know what that means. "To Talk" . I knew what was coming like all things. I read people more than anything to what they really have to say. Things are never the same after this talk. You discover more about your true self and what it is you're really looking for. When it comes to relationships, I've sadly come to a conclusion of not expecting. I have standards when getting into a relationship. Expectations are low. Why? I'd be less disappointed when the outcome isn't that great. But how am I supposed to feel. The pace was too quick for the both of us. What I've learned.

I love love, but expect nothing from it. ( sad really when I think about it. )
I can love on many levels. Saying it with meaning will never be the same. I'll only say it when I really mean it now. ( I have yet to say this to anyone for a while. I'm still waiting for the right moment to the right person. I really had to hold my tongue recently with this one. ) I've been waiting for that feeling.. you know that "love" feeling again. I feel like I'm learning how to love again or what it's really all about. I wonder when it is going to be my turn. Will I ever. Perhaps I gave up on it a long time ago. That's why I'm not that shaken by the current events of tonight. I don't think I can explain how trying to build a relationship from scratch after getting out of a long relationship feels like more than just with two words. Fucked Up. The effort, the emotions, the not knowing anymore what is what and how am I supposed to feel through it all. But to have it suddenly stop in a progression that was greater than the sum of it all at the current state of being. Makes me.... hummm .. blank. a bit sad, but ... BLANK. Maybe I'm done. Hoping, along with expecting. Cause they both lead to disappointment if hopes are to high and expectations large. Maybe I'm done. I'm just numb now. The truth is ... how am I supposed to feel? I'm very strange in the sense that though things don't work out right. I still feel like everything is going to be okay. Maybe that is my own strength.

Love.....I barely remember you. How am I supposed to feel like anymore?
Now to me you're like a linger of a feeling that I'm missing, I feel it brush my soul like walking through clearing fog.

I feel like I need to play some hockey now.... NOW!!!
>_< . *sigh* *smile* I'm okay really.
Sadly though he has become my favorite. Thoughts of him still make me smile :)
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