Reflections of Oneself

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There are so many out there that don't take the time to listen.
I'm not talking about listening to others. I mean listening to themselves. To their hearts, goals, desires and problems. I'm currently in the state of well being of rebuilding myself in a lot of ways. My heart especially. The dating world was a difficult one for me. The relationship world was even more scaring on my heart. My relationships never ended that well in the past. It seemed like a never ending cycle of when a boy would break my heart, then I end up breaking another boys heart. But the ones I choose to end things with were always due to the change of heart of it knowing that that boy wasn't the one. The others however were either they broke up with me or they cheated on me, or broke my heart in some way. I must say they did all leave me with one thing. Disappointment. With disappointment I lost faith in love. The kind of love that would leave me madly in love. Where someone proposes to me, where we get engaged, get married have kids and live happily ever after. The happy kind of love you give and get fully in return. I have lost faith in this kind of Love. Where I simply now will love and love. But expect nothing from it. What do I mean by this? I can love easily, but I simply don't expect to receive it back anymore. I don't even know if that kind of love exists for me anymore. That future. Isn't that train of thought ... SAD? my heart breaks a little that any part of me even feels that way... but it's the truth. Sometimes I envy those in great relationships, then I stop myself as I feel envy. As it poisons my soul. As it makes me feel ugly.

I have to believe in love again. Forgive the ones that had left their marks on my heart. Unquestionably love myself again from every aspect. With who I am, what I do, and the path I choose to travel. When the choices I make become clearer, when my heart is lighter. When I love harder with out trying it is only then my eyes will see True Love again in all things.

Comments

Aaron said…
Dont give up or lose faith in your Love. I came to your page through your thank you shoutout to Pchao for helping with coping and dealing with you very hard break up. Instead of the quick browse of your views on relationships, I ended up spending 20 mins reading through your various entries

Although I can't say that i've been through your experiences before, I can still give you some words of encouragement. From what i've read, I can see that you're a strong independent woman who knows what she wants in terms of love and a future husband. Shout outs to that because you've set your standard and I encourage you to ensure that you keep yourself at that level. Dont ever lower the bar to compromise on your standard in Love because you're only short changing youself.

I believe you mentioned God and the bible in some of your entries so my best example is this. God never short changed us when he sent Jesus to die for us. Jesus didn't lower his standards when he was tested and tried by Satan, he didn't compromise in Sin because if he did his death would have been meaningless.

but back on track, dont let your previous relationships bring you down in becoming a better person. Because i'm sure that you've learned a lot from every one that you had, and through those relationships you've managed to create this list of things you want in a husband. through trials and tribulation comes experience and growth. You are a beautiful woman in all aspects in life and you should never doubt that or doubt yourself.

Love isn't easy and Love isn't a walk in the park. Love for me hasn't always worked out either, but i still strive to believe that I one day will also be married happily in love with kids and a wonderful wife. (Maybe not just a wife who will clean and make me a peter chao sandwich ;) Lol)

Anyways, you're right when you say that you have to start believing in Love again. Set that goal for yourself, number 103 i think you left off on. but dont force it, let it come to you through reflection, quiet time, and even through the small things that life brings you. I'm sure that you'll do great and that these feelings that you have will go away... in time and through growth. Good luck in this! and i wish both you and Darren happiness in growth and understanding as you walk together in your newest path of life.

Aaron

p.s your health matters do seem a little concerning, but remember that happiness is the best medicine and antibody that you have. The happier you are, the stronger you will be. Continue to be happy! oh and also if you haven't tried it yet. Try chinese Medicine, i know its bitter but it works wonders in the long run and less damaging to your body like western meds.
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