Friday, April 30, 2010

Work It Baby~!

It's interesting. I have this dress that I bought in 2004-2005 when I went back to Malaysia. It was one of the rare finds to me that I totally fell in love with when I got it. My dad thought it was a sleeping dress, which it isn't, but it's one of the ones which I thought the material is different and the fabrication quality was really nice too. But I also seem to always get looks when I wear it. I shall call it my sexy dress! hahahaha. God I'm lame, nono.

I had to rush back to Metro today to get my heals from the shoe repair shop and my dress from the alteration shop. ( and yes this is where I got all the looks and even a whistle today... yeah I'm sexy! ) When I went to the alteration shop and tried on my newly fitted dress ... OMG! how awesome it looks! I can't wait to sport it this spring and summer and all year round. And the shoe repair shop was way cheaper than what I paid downtown to fix it. I might just go back there.

I ended up doing some more shopping. But for work clothes. I went into forever twenty one in metro to realize that a lot of their clothes are for SBG's making me feel so LAME to be in there. But then I found a couple of clothes that actually look very good on me. Thank you new body for allowing me to look so good now in things I wear. I'm looking for work dresses that can also double for casual outings. I get home to film a little ... a couple weeks ago I said to myself that I would try to keep more in touch with friends. I'm actually making an effort now to make plans with good friends for dinners or just to hang out. It takes a lot of effort to keep relationships going.

Tomorrow is going to be filled with that. Be visiting Nicki in the morning before I go to the Vancouver Art Gallery then after that I'll be eating dinner and watching the game with Ben at the Keg downtown. Ah Ben, still kinda upset about the day he bailed out on me but ... he's trying to make up for it.

I think I'm going to be stopping my efforts with Darren and DC. I already deleted DC from my msn to keep me from messaging him. Darren.. not needed because he barely goes on. I wanted to try to keep a friendship with them two because, the quality kind of person that they are are hard to come by. But if communication is something that they lack. I really don't need that. You treat others how you want to be treated. If you don't talk to me, I won't talk to you. It's a mirroring effect. As for love.. there is one thing I learned... what you deal will come back to you in full circle. The broken hearted will become the heart breakers and feed the cycle of the broken hearted... or the heart breakers will become the broken hearted...and so on and so on. I simply stopped after a while... I know how it hurts when your heart is broken... I don't see the need to break any ones heart that way. I'll throw out signs and say it up front if I'm not interested in someone... they will know after one chat session or after one date. Yes, I would like something more relationship wise.... but I rarely pursue or get into a relationship with someone unless I really like them or see potential of a great relationship... but I don't feel like that's ever going to happen anymore.., Like its a figment of my imagination. It's like trying to touch a rainbow. You see it, you believe's so magical... but it's something you can never physically attain. Until someone comes and proves me wrong... makes me feel like a million bucks. I'll enjoy my single-dom and continue with my sexy self... thank you very much.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Canucks Jersey & Lint Shaver

Where do I start with today's blog. I've been ... NOT wanting to get out of bed in the mornings. I've been feeling more tired and tired lately. Regardless if I work out or not...I'm pooped at the end of the work day. and I don't do much at work... besides sit in front of the comp and type and click and design away.

I was feeling pretty good this morning... up until end of work as I was leaving I go to the washroom cause my stomach has been cramping randomly the past few days. Today's uncomfortable shooting pain was near my belly button on my right hand side... I also get mild chest aches that are accompanied with shortness of breath... I tear up in the stall thinking... "I don't wanna go back to the doctors" and I stop myself from crying. I ... disassociate myself with the pain and that is that. I don't wanna think about that anymore.

I had to do something to pick myself up from the on and off of not feeling so well, so I went shopping. I missed the bus again so ... off to the mall we go. I'd been thinking lately of getting a Canucks jersey... I've never had one before so might as well get it now...I've also been looking for a lint shaver and found it at bed bath and beyond. I was looking for this avon skin care face wash, but I guess I may have to order it online.

I was thinking of signing up for the Sun Run, but I realized I have school that weekend. So, I guess I'll sign up for another run...maybe something with a cure for cancer.

I'm gonna spend the rest of the night... lint shaving the shit out of clothes with lint.. LOL ... I'm easily amused by little things.

Sipping On Some Haterade

I've been working on this video for a while. Had to film different clips separately especially the one with the dog... catching him on different hours scratching my door in the middle of the night.

I am working on some more videos currently but... it's a lot of work filming and editing. *sigh*

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

5k walk ...

work was work... and by lunch I was feeling sick. I'd started on the pills again cause I'd been feeling sick most of this week. I rush to metro to drop off my shoes to repair at some shoe repair shop. Did you know that metro doesn't have shoe repair shop in the mall? there are lots of dentists, and doctors, alteration, shoe stores, but no shoe repair shop? I had to walk into future shop to Google the one located at station square. I guess I'll be picking everything up this Friday. The dress and my shoes. I rush home to get ready for a 5k run, only to have it turn into a half run half walk. I left the house at 6:25 and returned 40 minutes later. Maybe I should push myself to exercise on the days I feel sick. But that's a rare one these days. And good weather is rare too. So I'll take what I can get.

I realized on my walk that I most likely have fallen for Darren, now the trouble is falling out. I guess my best bet is ignore, erase, pretend... nothing ever happened. [ I hate doing that... especially when it's someone so great ]

I'll be editing and trying to push a new video out tonight.
... I should film some little stuff... and slice it all together

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

At The Police Station

I woke up this morning feeling really sick. My stomach hurting, I felt as though I was short of breath. It was that sickly feeling I had in the beginning of January. All of a sudden ... I really miss Darren, I curled up to my pillows as though I would have curled up to him. *sigh*. Have you ever had one of those wake up moments, where you were dreaming and then when you wake up your mind and body believes it's somewhere, when it really isn't. My mind and body thought I was at his place, waking in his bed next to him... when I wasn't, I woke up in bed in my own home - alone. I felt as though my heart hurt.

I see an old friend from school and we chat it up on most of the train ride to work. I felt better after getting breakfast. Work was work. Nothing really new or special about it. A few updates came in, went out etc. My friend Fei, texts me in the last few hours at work to tell me she needs to go to the police station on Main St. My brain goes into questioning mode? Why? she says she needs to get a police certificate from Indonesia, and my next question was.. You're becoming a police officer? ( she had a good laugh ) she was actually applying for permanent residency. I met up with her at London drugs where he was picking up some ID photos and head out with her to the police station. We were there for the longest time, so I updated her. I told her everything that was going on with me. Everything that had happened with me and Trev and DC and all that jazz. I told her the truth of when it all started, and how I was and still sick. My cancer scare... I told her everything. We end up being the last ones to get out of there, and apparently the guy who worked there had been listening to our conversation. Saying.." it seems as though you and your friend live very dramatic lives, you guys should start your own T.V. Series." ..I was going to reply..."I'm on youtube...that's enough for me." Before leaving, Fei asks the guy for a folder or something to place her fingerprint document into so she wouldn't ruin it. She accompanies me to Metro, where she had to go to UPS before it closed, and I needed to go to the washroom. I went with her to UPS first...we on the train before commercial. She asks. "Do you think we can get there in 9 minutes" ... My reply... "We're on the skytrain, not a magical train." She laughs. She calls ups by the time we hit Nanaimo station, the lady was nice enough to wait for her to get there. Only a few minutes around closing time. We leave UPS with the success of getting all she needed to send back home shipped off. Fei accompanies me now to the washroom and the alteration shop. The one in Metrotown by the Old Navy. I'm paying a pretty penny to get this dress fitted. So I look fantastic in it this Spring / Summer. With the same amount of money I could have gotten a new dress... really.. But she already had pinned everything before she told me the cost. But the truth is, this dress is really nice and could be worn year round because the way it was made is pretty good craftsmanship and quality due to the fact it actually has two layers. A lot of dresses now a days are poorly made and sewn. Fabric, quality, pattern. ( yes...I can sew, I actually first applied to the Art Institute of Vancouver to go into Fashion Design... believe it or not... but was talked into going into Graphic Design ) When I was in the alteration shop, when I first walked in it was I was being fitted in front of the mirror as this lady pins the shit out of the dress because .. one, when I first got it all that was wrong was that the straps were long. but now I lost weight it had be taken in all over. The shop started to fill up with these people, I see them one by one through the mirror watching me get alterations on this dress and people are walking by looking at me. Oh well. It's going to look fantastic when I get it back .. I'm pretty excited actually. No matter how much it's going to cost me cause... well this is one of those dresses I can wear to work or out on a casual date. ( If I even go on anymore dates ) . Just yesterday I was thinking... it's really exhausting going out and meeting someone new and getting to know them only to find out they aren't the one and you start it over again. You can end up doing this 20 times and never find the right now. You can even end up going out on 20 first dates and still end up single and alone at the end of the year. I have met and found great guys... I'd love to be with them, but I can't force them to be with me. So that choice to let them go was mine.

My Boss said something today that made me think. Girls always want the guys they can't have. I thought to myself... OH MY GOSH! ... is that's what's going on with me?! I'm falling for these great guys who are way out of my league or something? or the fact knowing... it's too good to be true to begin with. But the truth is, I'm not like other girls. I know what I have to offer and what I want in a guy but I'm done with chasing the perfect ones. My heart is starting to believe that he doesn't exist. If and when one wants to be with me and makes the effort to. He'll tell me.. and chase me, or at least try. But he has to meet all the qualities or at least all but one. I'm smart enough now not to settle for second best. If you're not good enough to out beat the last two guys I've dated / seen. Who are by far some of the best caliber of men that the male sex has to produce. Don't bother. Not all men have and exude ... consideration, self confidence, understanding, independence, intelligence and inner strength. These guys were great... I would be honored to be the one they choose to be with in the end. They have qualities of being great fathers. Oh the beautiful babies we would make... hahahhaaha sorry... day dreaming. or should I say night dreaming? I guess I'm not looking for a fling, or a boyfriend, I'm in the mind set that... I want something real. I personally feel I deserve something real because everything was so High School for so many years.

When we're leaving the shop and in the mall...we see the guy from the Police station. I nod and smile at him wave a little. He does the same. Fei laughs and realizes that it was strange to see him again. Me and Fei part ways on the way to the skytrain station. It was really nice to see her ... it's been more than half a year since I saw her.

I head home to do some work... I tried to record some songs and I'm off the bed... G'night.

Monday, April 26, 2010

If He Could Talk

My dog this morning: I'm on time but I keep forgetting something in my room, I'm walking back and forth from the front door to my room. He follows me, he barks at me on my last run around as though to say..."babes, you're going to be late!" ...and he walks me out the front door and stops on the top step of stairs and sees me off. ♥

Sunday, April 25, 2010

First Game, First Goal of the Season

I cleaned up my room a bit this morning. I had plan A and plan B of how I would make it to today's game. In the end I bussed it and sky-trained it down to a station where a friend would pick me up and take me to the arena, and back.

As I prepped myself and walked out of the house. I looked up to the sprinkling sky. I knew it wasn't raining hard, so my Canada hoodie would be alright. I know, it's not waterproof. But I'm not a doll made of glass and I won't melt in the rain. I strap the hockey bag to my back and grab my hockey stick in the other. I didn't want to bother with an umbrella. I look up and let a little rain fall on my face. I smile because I think to myself... This is the only way I can honor you Mia, this is all I have left to offer you, watch over me today. I walk by a neighbor who's carrying his child on his shoulders. He smiles at me and I smile back. :) I continue on my way to the bus stop. The ride is short when I hit the station. When I did hop onto the train, a guy started to talk to me...we chatted about hockey, about what we did and in the end we parted ways introducing ourselves to one another. His name was Darcy. I found it kind of weird speaking to him. I had to hold my composure because everything he said seemed like it was a question. Example... I am an accountant? ... *thinking to myself...was that a question?* no no, he was nice young man. When I step out of my station, to meet my friend. I'm glad there is no more rain. Daddy Toshi picks me up from the station and takes me over to the arena. He used to play goalie for us but he doesn't anymore this season :( .He had to watch over the team today and played a manager role. :P . Apparently today was the first official game of the season. Half the team is full of new faces. Me being me...introduced myself. There's one thing I learned when it comes to being in a team. It's more comfortable and free flowing when they know your name and you know theirs. So when you say something encouraging addressing them, it makes everything much easier. Let me see if I can remember their names. I'm so awful with names. Jason, Steve, Sal, Ravi, and Marco? I hope that's right. @_@ . At first I was feeling a bit uneasy at the fact that I was the only girl there. The game went on and the strange thing is that people seemed to keep showing up after the game started. We were down at first and then everyone started to play together and got into it. The boys started the score it up...and a few later I make a goal! yay! and I do my tradition of flashing our goalie. OK OK. This is actually a tradition I do.. After every goal I have ever scored... I flash who ever the goalie is. This made some of the guys on my team warm to me.. Don't get me wrong. I'm always wearing something under my jersey ... this time I was wearing a long sleeve under armor. So I'm not really flashing anything... it's only a gesture. I don't know why but I felt like I was more focused in skating and control. I didn't even fall. After the game even Toshi commented on it. Wondering if I'd practice my skating. The truth is I haven't. I've just been training on my legs ... running. When I was walking home from the bus stop, I thought to myself. Could it have been, was she watching me? I'm not embarrassed when I take my gear onto the bus or the sky train. I have no fear in doing something I need to do it especially when I'm doing it because I gave my word.

My word know no bounds.

I apologize to Chris today and tell him everything I had to cope with the last seven months or so. He tells me I shouldn't have went through that on my own, that he would always be there when needed. I replied... I know.

I've kept what I've kept from certain people, because there are those I couldn't stand to see and watch their heart break if they were to know to stand by and support me. The theory of what they don't know won't hurt them.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Past

You don't run away from the past. You walk away from it with grace. You move forward, You pause every now and then to glimpse back and when you do you smile at it with a nod and a wave. Be thankful of the events that has happened. Bad, Good, Laughs, Tears, Heartbreak and Love. Be thankful that they ever happened. That you were even given the opportunity to do so. That you lived some kind of life and experienced the things you have because there are so many others that live in more dire conditions. You never want to walk forward into the kingdom of heaven and ask "why?" to God. "Why" he did put you through those things. He'd probably give you a smirk and say, "Have you learned nothing?" and make you re-live your life all over again.

When you know what it's all'll meet him and the first words out of your mouth could be, "Thank You"... and he may give you a smirk and say, "welcome home."

There are certain things you may not be able to control... But Choice is a powerful thing. The choice to change / remain the same, the choice to love / hate, the choice to move on / stand still. Choice to be happy / unhappy. Choice to Live / Die.

I choose to Live. To be happy. to move forward. to change. to love. even if it's myself. When you look back and smile and wave. You wave goodbye and nod and smile at the past to pay respects. Because where you stand now, is not where it once was, where the landing of the fall was harder felt. You're wiser for the experiences that life puts you through. It takes practice to find and live in pure happiness. Because Life would be so boring without all these things. You're here to experience something greater than you can ever imagine. To figure out just what kind of impact you have on the world. If you feel inadequate...I have to ask... what's stopping you? What are you going to do about it?

Have you learned nothing?

I left work today with the rain sprinkling down.
I walk towards the small little mall...I look up at the sky between the building on this Georgia Street. I feel the rain lightly fall upon my face. I look down back to the ground as I continue my steps forward. I find myself smiling as I remember the moments I was held lightly...when I once loved the rain. For a moment today...I didn't hate rain.

I'm changing everyday. I'm making choices to change everyday. Like today, from now on I will smile at the eyes that meet mine. Because I rather spread joy, and love. Than never have some kind of effect on the this little sad world we live in.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

5k Run on Wednesday

Start time 6:55 .. finish time 7:30 = 35mins for a 5k run.
I smile at those that I come across. hello biker guy . hello Asian neighbor.
On my run I run by an old man's house who seems as though he just returned from home and is about to go into his house.
He calls out to me..."What are you doing?!! You're beautiful, you don't need to jog / run!" ... I smile at him... and say "Thank You!" ... awww love tank filling.. :)

hmmm I have a roller hockey game this Saturday. Apparently we need people to play. I feel so handicap without a License now. I can't go do something that I promised Mia I would do. I'm very ready to learn how to drive. It feels like the events happening around me are preparing me for this time in my life to take this big step forward. Learning how to drive is not an important skill set to me. But it's going to make me much more better of a person, then I can be there more for the people that do need me to be there.

Before I went for my run... I found out Pigey lost some feathers. Probably hitting something when flying around.. or the dog. I felt bad for him. He let me pick him up a few times. He tried to fly but doesn't get that he can't.

Dinner time... I'm gonna try to finish the book tonight.
It's opening up my eyes even more. More self-revelations = more growth.

I Was Boss

I looked so "boss" this morning. Which means I looked like I ruled it all. I looked really good. So good...I got looks. :)

I've been feeling sick lately. But I felt pretty good this morning. Till around the afternoon.

Work was a bit hectic in the morning. It's never good when you work for a web & graphic design company and the internet goes off. Not a good sign. What can we do with not internet!

After work I went to Nicki's place to watch the Hockey game.
When I was boarding at Commercial, a guy stands there before me and as he looks around our eyes catch and I smile at him. When we got off the train at the same station... he challenges me to race me down the stairs and next door across the street. I notice he is holding art supplies in a bag and a tool box. I laugh at him... I ask if he's an art student... he looks away and says no, that his girlfriend is taking a fashion thing. He then asks if I was heading there and if it was me that he saw the day before. I laughed as I walked out of the station and started to part ways. I say... NO! I graduated there. I'm done A.I! hahahaha! We said goodbye and parted ways.

Before the game started as I was with Nicki, I was reading the book I've been reading. "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Chapman. As he watched T.V. He says that books are for losers. Then I replied, "then you should be reading a book." :P . As I read I come to realize that my MAIN love language maybe. "gift receiving". Now this does not mean object or things. They could be messages. To me it's the meaning behind the gift... Not the actual gift. The gift means nothing if there is no meaning behind the gift.

I spent a nice time with Nicki, talking and asking what he appreciates the most out of a relationship. I read out the list to him and he says he believes his is quality time. We watch the first two periods of the game together before he drives me home because he had to go into work anyways as well. I get home to catch the last of the game. :) Vancouver comes back to prove those who have lost hope. I prayed during the second period to let them win... I always pray for them to spread their wings.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Ugh... tummy aches

I'm more sick than ever today than the last few days. My stomach hurts. I'm hitting the sack super early tonight. Curl up with a book.

Tomorrow I've promised to go see Nicki and watch the Hockey game with him.

I feel like throwing up. I feel like crying. Cause I hate feeling this way.
Should I take a pill?

Feeling This Is Where I Should Be

I have a strange sense of ... this is where I should be. I'm beginning to embrace the single-dome again. I've come to realize a couple of things. Why I did hate Trevor for a while. That whatever I had left in love and trust in men was given to him and I kind of feel like I don't have anything left. Whatever relationship I wish I wanted with Frankie, or Darren would have never worked because... though I have a lot of heart. The love behind it wasn't there. I assumed the worst already when going in, and simply had no more faith in Love to believe it would even turn out right. I knew my 26th year would be big, but I'm starting to get that sense of change I did when I was 15-16. When I took that one year to reflect. I'm older now, though the events of past relationships have made we weary, they have made me smarter in knowing what it is I want from a relationship. My problem is. There should be no doubts in love. That I should have more faith in Men. Faith in the fact that like Frankie and Darren, there are great men still left. I need to break those barriers that created this imaginary wall of protection around my heart. Though I may believe they are there to protect my heart from breaking. It could be simply building up more excuses not to let anyone close enough for me to love them because of the secondary thought that ... it will hurt less when it doesn't work out.

Career Wise... This is the best time for me. I'm working more DT. My brain is in constant drive mode now. Though I don't have that much inspiration. My heart is finding it's way back through working it all out. Creating and being creative in other ways. I'm currently thinking about my book again...the story must go on. I have a couple of videos in the making. ( but I need a guy to be in the videos ) [ you have no clue how much I liked Darren for the fact that he was cool about being in my vids :( ... we barely talk anymore ... ] why is it so weird for me to have someone you so deeply care for... suddenly have them cut ties. I guess my heart and mind is thinking. You're not dead. I'm not dead. We can stop communicating when I'm gone... or one of us... ANYWAYS... Project To You has been picking up. I haven't done much promotion besides Youtube... but the most important thing to me is that I pushed it out there. This project is never ending so all things take time to grow. Painting... I've been itching to paint again.

Personal Relations: I've come to realize that there are certain relationships that mean a lot. I'm one of those people that if you EVER truly needed someone to be there, I'm that person. I rarely say NO to my closest friends. My loyalty and devotion to the people I love knows no bounds. However. I ask myself if I were in trouble, dying or who I can trust with my life if I really needed them to be there. For some reason in my heart ... I know they would be.

I had lunch with GB Chris today and I realized I need to find people who I can trust with my life. The first three I could think of was... Him, Nicki, and my sister.

Chris was born the say day I was, we have the same heart when it comes to friendship and how we are to them ... we have loyalty in our blood.

Nicki, is a hard cookie to crack. It's hard to get close to him cause he himself is very guarded. But there's one thing I know, he smiled for me. He loved me once ... and I loved him. We will always have that bond, I'd trust him with my life because there's that feeling of safety with him. And like I said before... I've always felt that "protective" vibe from him.

My sister: she's the one that watched over me the most! She's like mom to me. She always played mom to me. So when worse comes to worse... I trust her... she is a strong, independent female in my life that I would never want any harm to come to. As much as she is guarded towards me I would have to say, I can become very protective of her as well.

Now who would fill my next two spots I have no clue. However if I think about it. Frankie and Darren both had qualities that I would have to say that I could trust them with my life. I simply get that vibe that they would never want any harm to come to me as well. There's that strong willed that I sense that dwells within them that when it comes down to the final fight...they will stand up and face it. But do they fill my final two spots... I don't know. I've come to know that relationships are important. Knowing who you can trust with your life is more crucial to me now more than ever. Doing what I'm doing. Striving to be where I want to be... I have to surround myself with the right people. When that happens, there's a certain energy that flows.

Independence: I'm current more driven to get my license. I'm planing to switch my goal for a scooter for a car, because everyone is telling me it's more practical. Plus, I need to make it to the games. My mind has been planing on moving out... my brain is in financial calculation mode of saving and splitting my pay and trying to save a grand a month. I'm for some reason more motivated. Now here is the other dilemma. I've been feeling when I save up enough. Should I stay?

Friendships and Getting Out and About: I know isolating myself is BAD, very bad. So I'm forcing myself to plan events and outings with friends. I plan to go do City Walks Vancouver... like the little trips and tour I did in Toronto. I've decided I'll do this filming and for photography. ... Photography... I am also considering getting a new lens so I can get greater shots. I've re-activated my flickr account to be more motivated to keep taking beautiful pictures.

TODAY_ I had to bring my hockey gear to work. I brought it from home, got on the bus and then onto the train then from the train to work. I realized this hockey gear is a total conversation starter. I learned that good looking Jugo Juice guy can't skate. :( awww disappointing.. On the elevator ride up. A girl asks if I played hockey as a job somewhere in the building. I said no, but that would be really cool. I had lunch with Chris at an all you can eat salad place. After work when I was leaving the building some guy starts chatting it up with me about hockey. He was in awe that I played hockey. Not believing me. He sasses me up a bit and mumbles as he walks off. I went from work to chill a bit at Jugo Juice with Jugo Juice guy. :P and got a free drink as a treat. I had time to kill and ended up going over to Kero's place to chat it up with her for a bit before she dropped me up at Van's before going to our roller hockey game. We end up at the game...and play with no goalie. There is one thing though. I wasn't panting or dying at the end of the game. I was quiet alright. I guess becoming more fit has allowed me to have more stamina. Though I feel now like I should have played harder. With more passion as well, more skating, more playing smart. I got a bit lazy because well ... we had no goalie and it felt like it was all in good fun. End of the game, Ben pulls through and drives me home. :) I felt a bit abandoned when he forgot about me the day before. This morning Ed says that I should listen to this lecture from this man that passed away a few years ago from Cancer. The lecture was wonderful and made me feel more... like everything is going to be okay. I'm watching it again after I shower because I'm a visual person, I want to see what he had to show the world.

Happiness. My brother just tells me if I got my box. BOX?! YES! my cammy is back, and she's been fixed! I'm SO happy. I wonder what should I shoot first. aahhhh so many things!

Good things always happen.
I've been feeling sick lately again. I was feeling really down this morning because of it. But a part of me felt like in this hardest moment, something good will prevail from it. It's the balance of the Universe. I checked my lottery ticket to find I won 30$ it's not 30 million .. but it's 30 something. Now getting Cammy back *smiles*. Am I so strange that the little things make me happy?

This is where I Should be. Knowing more than before what needs to be done. Letting go of the past. Moving forward in every which way direction life is going to take me.

Monday, April 19, 2010


I'm noting this in my blog to remind me to watch this tonight. My friend referred me to watch this.... and I'm no considering to get the book

Sunday, April 18, 2010

5K Run On Sunday

Started 4:20 pm end 4:59 pm = 39 mins
I'm so tired now... and my cafs are sore. I wish I could have gone more but I started to feel sick arond 25 mins into the run which is a first.

I'm starting to feel sick again, and therefore I'm running to make up for it.
Today... didn't really help. but I hope to get my sexy sze body soon.

Morning Sickness

I felt this yesterday morning. Feeling sick to my stomach like I want to throw up. I thought it would pass and I feel it again this morning.

Why and am I feeling sick again?! I was doing just fine for the longest time.
I'm going to try to go get some more sleep. G'morning.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

He Loves The Kisses

I was bored today and then my sister came and brought me over to her place.
I watched the Avatar Movie, I don't know why I felt like I was watching a bunch of blue supermodel alien race war against humans who try to get something that isn't theirs to begin with. Then I watched Ponyo. It was a cute storyline of young love. The character I would say I loved the most was the mother. She was awesome in her understanding, love and she had to be great in how she raised her child to be so intelligent.

Baby Ethan is cute. How he loves the kisses I blow to him and winks. He gets a little hyper each time I do it. But I'm glad I get to catch his smiles while I can.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I Miss Him Again

I miss him, but I will no longer tell him that...for now.
I'll bite my tongue. If my fingers long to text him a simple hello. I will hold my own hand. I'll take a grasp of my heart and force it to pump the blood through my veins as it chooses to stop. I want to hear his voice. I long to hear it.

For now I'll sit in silence.

My Mind Was Blown Away

Libra Horoscope for April 2010
By Susan Miller

You may be feeling relief now that you've made it to April. This will be a slower, less pressure-filled month, and you will get a chance to take a deep breath and collect your thoughts. You are coming off a rather depressing full moon in Libra, March 29 plus or minus four days. That full moon made certain realities very clear in a kind of matter-of-fact way, which is never easy. Saturn fell very close to that full moon, giving everyone, of every sign, a sobering view of life, but because it appears in your constellation, you may have felt it more than most. As you begin April, you may still be thinking about what came up, but know that with every passing day in the first week of April you'll be feeling better.

The good news - which may seem near miraculous - is that Saturn will temporarily leave Libra to return to Virgo to complete a cosmic assignment that was left undone last October. Saturn will be out of Libra from April 7 to July 21 and this has to be really joyous news!

If you were born at the end of September, you may now be feeling deliriously happy - you will feel the biggest sense of calm and relief, for you have put in six months in cosmic boot camp and must be longing for a little breather by now. Saturn added responsibilities to your shoulders and put you in a more "grown up" setting recently and now you will get a chance to adjust to those changes at your own pace. A feeling that life has become new and different in some way always accompanies a Saturn trend, for it is what this planet does. It is through adapting to change that we grow, and certainly Saturn wants to see growth!

... As they say, wherever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Still, this type of underhanded antics can take a toll on you, so be good to yourself in coming months. You need to keep an eye on your health and improve your habits. Make sure every morsel you eat this month is something that's good for you.

Two days that will shine brilliantly for health will be April 16-17. Use those days to find the perfect gym, or hire a trainer or sports instructor, or see a doctor, nutritionist, or any other health professional. Jupiter will send a lovely missive to Venus, your ruler, then from your sixth house of fitness. Investigate your options!

Other days that shine for health will be April 23 and 24 when new technology and new scientific discoveries could be very helpful to your condition. If you have a chronic health problem that begs for a better solution, you should keep searching for answers. This year, 2010, you will have Jupiter in your house of preventative health measures (sixth house), and that is always the best placement of Jupiter for forging a health breakthrough. Statistics show that most people spend more time researching their vacation than their health concern. My goodness, you don't want to be like those people! See several specialists if necessary! This year is your magical year for health!

Now let's turn to your most personal relationship with your spouse or live-in, long-term sweetheart. Your partner apparently wants more attention, and so give in - your undivided time and attention is the single most precious gift you can give someone. The new moon of April 14 will be very romantic and inspirational, especially if you are dating, married, or living together. This month attached Libras have the edge.

You may decide to get engaged this month, but if so, if you can, delay announcing your plans (and buying the ring) until next month, after May 13, the new moon. Your chart shows a strong emphasis on finances - something I will discuss in more detail in a moment - so make sure you aren't jumping into marriage for only economic reasons. This seems to be a driving motivation now - even in your decision to stay or leave a relationship - but as I always say, things done only for the money get old all too soon. You need better reasons.

Of course, if you are linking up in a business sense, say, by hiring an agent or publicist, or signing a business partner, then profit would be the right reason. Those kinds of collaborations are also covered by the aspects this month - all sorts of "coupling up" in the romantic or business sense will begin to form an important theme in April.

If you are not dating or haven't found anyone special lately, you might after Venus enters Gemini from April 24 to May 19, nearly a month. Use this time to update your look too, for if you buy a new outfit or get your hair restyled (even if you are one of my male readers), you will like the changes you make.

Mars is now moving ahead even more rapidly than it did last month, and because Mars is in your social sector, you have a really grand potential to expand your circle of friends quite a bit this month. A fast moving planet is one that can help you far more than one that moves like a little turtle. You can make friends - and connect with friends - through clubs, both on and offline, and also bring your partner into the mix so that you both enjoy a more relaxing time.

No matter what your marital status, romance will be best on these days: April 7, 8, 16, 17, 18, 21, 22, and 25-30.

As I mentioned earlier, your finances seem to concern you quite a bit lately, and by month's end, April 28, plus or minus five days, it will be time to send a hefty check. It's also possible that people who owe you will begin to finally pay up. This month's full moon will be in fine angle to Pluto, so you will have help with banks for mortgages, home improvement loans, or even financial support from family or an ex-spouse.

If you are self-employed, be sure to remind people who owe you that you are waiting for payments. Do so in writing so that they can't say that they lost your invoice or that their mainframe blew up. I have heard the most creative excuses about why people have not paid me over time... Don't give them any room for those excuses, dear Libra!

Mercury will retrograde in your eighth house of credit / payments owed / scholarships / child support and other funds that come from outside sources, and that is why I worry that checks to you will run late. If they do run late, you may either have contingency plans, such as to dip into savings, or to get a loan from the bank or another source to bridge you until the money shows up. Mercury will retrograde in your financial sector from April 18 to May 11, but you will feel the slowdown to events earlier, as soon as April 8.

This means you would do best to refrain from making any key financial moves in most of April and during the first half of May. If you have to close on a house, see if you can wait to do so after May 13, and the same is true if you need to accept a job. It would not be wise to purchase anything expensive while Mercury is retrograde either, so either buy your computer or new iPhone in the first week of April or table your expensive purchase to mid-to-late May. Conditions are changing and so are your needs, dear Libra.

Your home and family will also begin to become more important in coming weeks, due to an impending lunar full moon eclipse coming at the end of June. Also, Pluto's turn to retrograde starting this month from April 6 to September 14 means its time to do the repairs and maintenance to your home that you've been putting off. There's no more reason to wait - this is a good time to schedule them.

Pluto points to the very foundations of a dwelling, so you may want to take a crowbar to the walls to change the layout, add insulation, or redo the basement. Repairs are well scheduled now too, so go ahead, paint the walls to make them fresh and new. Pluto also rules dark, hidden spaces and all rubbish, so you may want to clean out closets in the coming weeks. You can feel good about packing up the things you no longer use and giving them charity. You may feel very energized to do so just before or after the full moon lunar eclipse June 26, but if you like, you can start now.

Overall, this month will seem lighter and happier than previous months. Saturn is retreating from Libra, from April 7 to July 21. Saturn periods always make us feel that time is short, but for now, with Saturn moving back to Virgo, there'll be no need to feel pressured. Your only focus should be to keep yourself strong and healthy, for in the coming months life will soon become demanding again, with many people coming to you for direction and answers.

All through 2010, Jupiter, the great planet of healing and vitality, will help you get into the best shape of your life if you take the initiative. As in all phases of astrology, if you take no action, nothing much will happen! You do have to show the universe your intent to trigger the help!

As a result of Saturn's recent visit to Libra last October, you've been thinking about how to give your life more form and substance. At the end of last month (March), the full moon in Libra clarified your goals and helped you plan your future with a greater sense of certainty. It may have been a sobering moment, though, as Saturn is the no-nonsense planet that doesn't "dress" its news very delicately - he's more like the demanding teacher you had in eighth grade who didn't smile very much but did teach you in a way that made you remember every fact, even if you did so reluctantly!

In April you will focus on your closest romantic or business alliance and find ways to solidify it for the long term. Your need to join forces will be very strong, both in your personal and professional life. However, with Venus, your ruler, visiting a financial house for most of April, and Pluto signaling the new moon, April 14, your impetus to couple up may be based on economic reasons.

That said, of course, if you are forging a serious business alliance, profit would be your motive. In your personal life, however, if you are thinking of marriage because "two can live as cheaply as one," your heavy emphasis on finding ways to live more affordably could be coming up in an impulsive manner, so don't be rash. Be sure you aren't allowing your short-term financial situation to drive your long-range plans. Hopefully you have several other reasons to commit to this union.

The new moon April 14 will bring you the chance to move ahead assertively to draw up partnership plans. Mercury will be retrograde shortly thereafter on April 18, however, so make plans but wait until after May 11 to finalize your plans and seal your union. The new moon will affect you if you are dating or already attached. If you are already part of an established union, you may now make plans or goals for the future that you can do together.

You both will have more time to socialize now that Mars is moving rapidly through your house of friendships and people-populated events. The second part of this year will bring fewer opportunities to make new friends, so while you have such glowing aspects, take full advantage by getting out to socialize.

Also, Venus will enter Gemini on April 25, another sure boost to more fun times to come. Single? Jupiter's position in May suggests you may find love while traveling or working out at the gym. Keep your eyes open at work, too - you may meet an interesting co-worker who is in PR, sales, editing, information technology, or marketing who has noticed you.

Finances will also be on your mind much of the month. Mercury will retrograde from April 18 to May 11 and as a result, payments due to you will begin to run late. The full moon April 28 plus or minus four days will find you sending a large payment to fulfill a financial obligation, or you may be considering the purchase of an expensive item. Because Mercury is retrograde, hold off on spending large amounts for now - wait until mid-to-late May to shop.

Dates to Note
Saturn, the planet of karma and the lessons we learn in life, will briefly exit Libra from April 7 to July 21, giving you a breather. Once he returns, he will be in your sign until October 2012 and on a mission to make you wiser, more mature, and able to handle much more complex responsibilities in life.

Keep health strong in 2010. Jupiter in Pisces, working with Saturn, will help you get lean and strong this year if you apply yourself wholeheartedly.

In April, especially near the new moon April 14, your closest relationship will come into focus. It's time to decide if you'd like to make things official. Don't let economics drive a personal decision to marry - you need to have many other reasons aside from that one for a lifelong commitment. Your chart suggests tight finances could influence you in that direction.

Generally, though, socializing will be happier and sweeter now that Jupiter will go into Aries next month for the summer and light your partnership sector. The experiences you suffered in 2009 were more severe - better days are due.

Venus in Gemini from April 25 to May 19 will be the best news for your social life - livelier days are to come!

Business alliances forged now would be favored.
If you are single, you will have lots of reasons to socialize now, for Mars is moving rapidly through your social, friendship, and events sector. (When any planet moves quickly, it is more potent.) Venus will help Mars from April 25 to May 11, giving you even more reasons to be out and about socializing. Enjoyable times are due!

Money will be on your mind too for two reasons. First, Mercury will retrograde in your financial sector, increasing the chances that checks due to you will be late. Watch for errors in any financial dealings or documents sent to you. Second, a full moon on April 28 will bring a financial action to fullness.

Romance will be best on April 8, 17, 18, 21, 22, and 25-30.

Dear Past Relationship Guys

[ this is a random vent of the morning ... just a random thought ]

Thank You.
Thank you for breaking my heart and taking a piece of it with you when we parted.
To those who I broke their hearts, know that ... those moments broke my heart too.
Who I am today is better than when you once knew me, or of my love.
I hope that my love was great and meant something to you when we did love each other.
That you were happy. That's all that really matters. That us parting was the best for the both of us.
The truth is I forgave you a long time ago. If I hated you and If my love and affection was an object. I would kick your ass to get it back. But it's not and I can't and I am just kidding. I've learned that I shouldn't hate you, because I'm awesome partly because you made me awesome.
Therefore, I thank you.

Time for me to become more awesome-er.
Take Care, Much Love


This pic was taken when I got caught in a middle of sun and rain. I don't know what to blog about today. Last night before I passed out I said what I was feeling with no hold backs. I messaged some friends at work, who kind of give me a little sass when I don't keep in touch with them time to time. I texted Darren about our dinner, to let me know when it's a good time for him. Though I miss him. Though I would like to be with him, see him. I wanted to call it off. I don't know why. He messages me back to re-schedule.

I need to see the rainbow that lies between the saddest moments that life offers and the greatest moments we all experience.

I think I may paint tomorrow. I wonder when I'll get my camcorder back from repair from Sanyo.  I think I'm going to do city walks Vancouver. Film the events of my self adventures. Too bad I strongly wish I had a companion to accompany me to these places.

I watched most of the hockey game tonight. Drifting in and out of sleep as I listened to the announcer. My eyes shot open near the final moments of the game and I got to see the winning goal score.

I hope tomorrow is sunny... I may go for another run. To get ready for my roller game on Monday.  My stomach has been slimming down but my weight seems to be maintaining 115 -117 average. Dad thinks the scale in my room is off by 10 pounds heaver. So what I'm really 105 - 107... no... I don't think so. I think I'll be happy when my tubby tummy is gone. 

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Random Thoughts Before Dreams.

You know... I've been feeling sick on and off for the last few days...and it's now subsiding. I would feel anxiety for no reason and find myself at at shortness of breath. But besides that. I've been feeling... a flip of back and fourth between the ... I know what I need to do right now... I'm a strong person and I can get through a lot. I can succeed. Then there's the part of me... that just feels this sadness. I miss love. It's sad to know that I don't even if I can kiss someone and feel that shiver that melts the heart. I abandoned the thought of romance long ago because...I barely believe it exists anymore. Getting flowers at random, showing up at the front door because they just love seeing you and want to be with you. Random presents, random trips, random... Love. I've never had that... The shivers have left me, I don't even know if I can feel that in a kiss anymore. But when I do.... I know I still have love in me... It's all in the kiss now. The hold, the touch, the presence.

I've been feeling the last few days just packing up and leaving and take a trip. But I have no where to go. I have no one to kiss, no one to hold. I only have me.

I want to paint. But I have no inspiration. Though I push on. Even when I wake up sad. I curl up to a pillow as a hug another. I feel like I'm coming out of a LOVE withdraw. Like coming off a drug.

I think I'm going to start looking for dresses to wear for work as the weather gets nicer. I need to start feeling more sexy, strong, and independent again.


Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Sunny Day Spring Run

I love sunny days :)  ...  a few days back I decided a few things in my head. When I go to work. I will dress ... like I work in an office. LOL . no more casual comfy stuff. Dress to impress cause you will never know who you run into. I wore heals this morning. I must say, this pair used to kill me a couple steps out of the house but I survived with them on for most of the day. Till I got home.. LOL .  This morning I was at the bus stopped and looked up at the tree that is bare most of the time of the year. I never noticed it was a blossom tree. It was so gorgeous I had to take a pic of it. Sorry .. they were taken with my iphone. Work was work. One other thing I said to myself I would do more often. Take pictures. May it be of random things. Me being a visual person and one who likes to communicate through word as well. I can't only just write my day. Visuals are pleasing as well. hahaha. More pics on my blogs :) .  At the end of my day today, I rushed downstairs to get a Gatorade for the next video I want to film talking about things I hate. As I drink a bottle of Haterade. I designed the label already only to find out the logo had changed. I thought it was a joke. Some re-design of some student school work, but it wasn't. Now I have to spend later on tonight Re-designing to match. On my way back up. I come in contact with one of the cutest white guys I've ever seen in Vancouver. He had strawberry blond hair and wore a suit. He had a great smile though. Damn. Maybe I have a soft spot for good looking guys in suits. Then my brain thinks of Frankie, actually I've been feeling like I miss him now and then. OK back to the good looking white guy. Well we were on the elevator next to each other and me, not wasting any time ... is pealing the label off the Gatorade bottle. I say nothing. I silently laugh at myself for being weird.  I've found I've been doing this a lot lately :) . I exit my floor. I'm tempted to say, "Bye Now" Like I always do to people now who come to and fro from my office. The guy was going up to the 17th floor. I rush to do what I do and then I print out my label design to figure out what size and placement of things do I need to change on my current design. Then I say to myself. Maybe I can catch another glimpse of the guy as he leaves. I expect nothing. And when the elevator stops and the door opens. He's standing there! he smiles and says hi and I reply as we pass each other as he steps out and I step in. As the door closes, I catch him looking around the floor like he's lost. DAMN. I should have asked for his name.
Oh well, I go on my way. The sky is sunny and I rush home to get ready for my run. I stand at the bus stop and I think to myself. My heals through my shadow look like hooker shoes. *sigh* I make it home and go out on my run. I think about how yesterday I texted Darren to see how he was doing, only to get no reply. I feel a bit ... rejected. I decide perhaps it is better I don't text him anymore. But I think about how I miss him. I think about him...and I just I wonder how he's doing sometimes. I wonder does he miss me?

During my run... I was thinking about certain things, about my chat with Nicki during work. About how he was jokingly believes that he is the best guy. My response was... " For me? or just as a guy? " and I'm smiling and trying not to laugh out loud at work. His response was both. Nicki. Though he was my first love. The first boyfriend I had... our relationship is one of that love. We loved each other when we were young. Even till now there will always be a place in our hearts for one another. Nicki though I've always had a sense of protection from him. He constantly does things as though it's for my own protection. I felt this way when we broke up years ago. was his only way to protect me or something... it's really strange to explain. It's really hard to describe. He ran with a bad crowd for a while after that. Even now when I asked if we ever chill if he would take me out and introduce me to some of his friends. He says maybe. I tell him about how I've always felt that protection aura from him. He tells me, cause he cares. That I'm one of a few people that he actually cares a lot for. He is actually a one of a few that I truly trust with my life. I have this theory, that I want to be good friends with guys I've had a relationship with. WHY? because... I once loved them. I trusted them. I know them and they know me. That honesty, trust and love is not shown to anyone. That bond should be strong with those who you have shown this care for. Though the sad thing is, lots of them lose this trust. It's strange to me how some of these relationships fall back into the status of "stranger". That someone you used to love so much...becomes someone you barely even know anymore. That is fucked up to me. However Nicki, is one of the few I trust with my life. Then I think, would I go out with him again? ... LOL ... maybe not. I told him... every time I think of him. I think of the good looking strong willed bad boy. I remember the skinny guy, I knew when I think of him. Then reality shakes me and says he's grown now. He let himself go a little. That skinny guy I knew is no more. Though the heart is still the same. I said to him though I will always love him. The man I want to be with, has to be able to run with me and be active. Why? Because ... well from here on out, I'm going to be on the run, making guys chase me. If they can't run, how will they ever catch me?  hahah just kidding just kidding.

My 5K run was nice. I started at 6:05 and ended at 6:48. This run used to take me over an hour ... maybe next time I can do it in half an hour. I took the picture of one of the view from my run.

I realized that yesterday was CC's birthday. I have him hugs and kisses to make up for forgetting.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I can't explain why I have a headache throughout the most of the day today.
Work was pretty hectic with my boss returning, only have him worry about me not being on my game. I'm sorry, but I've been on my game for a while. It's having to babysit and redo other people's work. I've been replying to clients as though they were my own. ~_~ So... There's one thing about me... I'm Talented. Extreme . and Capable. LOL...

I want to curl up and cuddle up to a warm body. But not just anybody. I've been missing people. But I'm currently in that mind set where, I will hold my tongue and not tell people who I care for that I miss them. Perhaps somethings are better left .. unsaid.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Tired . Sick

I wake up tired. Of course when I didn't go to sleep till late, but I also woke up feeling a bit sick. I took some cute pics of myself last night with the macbook. too bad I didn't notice the yellowing of the skin around my eyes. I hope it's not a symptom of anything :(

If I Were An Art Teacher

It would go badly. But this is what I had to say to people who go from total ugly duckling to a duck... hahahaa nono.... People change, they have the ability to change physically. So never judge a book by it's cover. Don't pick on others in elementary or high school. Enemies can become friends and friends can become enemies. Losers can become winners and winners become losers.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Walking Mr. CC

There's one thing I noticed when I was walking him today.
He likes to go up to people. He automatically assumes that everyone will love and pet him. I took my camera out today to shoot, didn't get a lot of anything but just one nice shot. A white cherry blossom tree is losing it's blossoms and blowing them down to the path on the walk. One nice shot can sometimes make the day.

I miss the days when I took my camera out to take pics, but somewhere new and exciting. I kind of miss Toronto, taking pictures with Frankie. Or watching him take some pics. Or even Bamfield, Bamfield was beautiful. The endless beach. Pachena beach is the kind of place I kinda always imagined getting married if I ever got married on the beach. LOL. That place was so...unreal to me. but I would want an outdoor wedding for sure.

Maybe I'm just missing spending time with someone. I don't mind being by myself. It just sucks. Life's not meant to be spent on your own. You're supposed to learn things on your own. But it's just better with someone by your side.


I cut my hair today. Trimmed it down a couple inches. I have to admit I kind of messed it up... But I fixed it the best I can... Maybe I should just find a hair stylist! hahaha... But the last time I did that they kind of messed up my hair.

As I was changing my hair, I was thinking of change.
How people were telling me how the Trevor, the X has changed. The more I was trimming I came to realize. What happens if he's just being who he really is NOW. And the guy before was never who he really was when he was with me. That he hasn't really changed at all, that he changed when he was with me. The person people are dissatisfied with at the moment is the real him. Just a thought.

It's nice out today, should I go for another run? ugh... I'm feeling kind of sore. Maybe I should focus on my abs today. take the dog out for a walk. I want to paint, but I want to record it when I do, I'm waiting for the camcorder to return to me.

I want to go see the sister, but as always the family never asks me if I want to go with them. I'm starting to think they don't think of me as a family member at all!

I'm starting to think I shouldn't hide anything about myself to people I care for anymore. It creates more heartaches to me to hold something back.

If people love me, miss me and want to be with me. They should just tell me. I'm so sick and tired of people holding back their true feelings. I feel like.. I'm on this earth for how long? I don't even know. I can go out today and get hit by a car, fall into a coma, die. What I've always wanted to say could never be again and what others want to tell me can never be told to me. Time.. The right time, the wrong time? Having time is a lie, cause it goes on with or without you.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Running With Smiles

I sucked up the decision this morning to sign up for driving classes. The truth is I know if I relied on others in my family to teach me, I may never learn how to drive. So I'm sacrificing the ridicule I may get from them, some money and taking that big step forward. I did it and classes for me don't start until the first weekend of May. I thought I would be more nervous, I do feel bad having to go behind my fathers back to do it. But this is for me. I need to do this.

I was chatting online this morning with a few of my friends. One tells me what my X's cousin filled her in on, that the family ( his family ) wasn't all to happy with what's going on with him. I texted with my X a couple of days ago. I already know the scoop. He's saving to move out and going on his Hawaii trip with his girlfriend... We've been separated for seven months, he's been with the new girlfriend for six and a half? I would think by now, if he's saving up for a place ( with/without his new girlfriend ) I have no clue, don't really care. But I would think he would have introduced her to the family... OH WELL. ( I was smiling at the thought that they weren't happy with him... but they should be, because he's found someone he does love and is changing [ hopefully for the better ] for. ) But it's nice to know you're missed by people that you were once so much a part of their lives. I must have done something right. :P Then again... who doesn't love me? ( yeah I'm being cocky ) hahhaha.

When I was strapping on my shoes to go for a run, the little one wanted to come along. He was yelling at me to take him with me. I couldn't. The last time I took him he almost died. He's just not big enough and too old to survive 5k of running. On my run, I saw another runner that said hi to me. ( I actually wanted to run by and high 5 for being active and fit, but I would have looked like a crazy person with their hand up trying to get a high 5. Why am I so weird sometimes? ) Sometimes it's nice to get a smile from a total stranger. I also saw some friends drive by, and slowed down to ask what I was doing... I said 5K.. and they were like what @_@ ...and we went on our ways. My run is really refreshing. You start flat land then down hill, then flat land , then up hill, then flat land again. LOL. Like life. Ups and Downs and Stability in the end. I don't really know what I think about during my runs but every time in the beginning I always enjoy the view. WOW... the view. I'll take a picture next time when I have my phone on me during the run.

Yesterday I went out with my friend Ben for dinner, he took me to the Keg and I ate a steak. I was okay with is cause I didn't feel sick after which is *thumbs up*. I guess I needed the iron. He told me about the girl he's seeing. That she's becoming too clingy for his liking. I start to ask myself if I'm even close to ready to date openly again... NO. Just the other day someone on my msn that I added from POF kept telling me about his sex adventures with girls he's dated and he kept making the assumption that we were going to meet. Or even have a chance of dating. He asked if we would ever meet. I said, probably NEVER. I'm sorry... I'm not like that... The people I choose to share intimate moments with are only the ones I can picture myself with or making beautiful babies with. [ I don't settle for just ANYONE. I have standards ~_~ One night stands are not my thing ... EVER! ]

I started filming my rejection video.. just a little part of it. I wonder how I'm going to film the rest of it. LOL ... and I should start designing something for another video.... I'm hungry from my run...and I think I'm going to eat that subway sandwich the bro left for me. :)

Oh yeah, and yesterday I kinda texted DY into going on a date with me...LOL.
I know were supposed to be on break.. ( I seriously don't know what that even means anymore )...but it was funny to me. I really want it to be casual. I told him nothing serious... and that he better not go falling in love with me and shit. :P

I really feel like painting tonight. Too bad Cammy has been shipped off to Ontario for repairs. I hope to get her back soon all fixed up.

I can't believe how much I've done already in the span of this my 26th year of life. LOL, why do I keep thinking I'm older like 28? and that if I don't find someone to be with now, I'm never going to have babies. I guess cause my brain is factoring the years it takes to build a relationship up to the stability when both parties are ready to get married and have babies...yeah... I'm pretty sure I'm never going to have babies... FML ... hahaha jkjkjk.

I was talking to Tyler, an old friend from high school on facebook. He was very sweet to say the babies I would have would be very cute! ... of course they would.. come on! look at me ... hahahaha jkjkjk.

( I guess you can tell that I'm in better spirits to day than I've been in the last couple weeks. ) Tomorrow will be better than it is Today. Tomorrow will always be better because I will be better. Why do I always forget that? Forget the love I have for me. I always forget the love CC has for me too... the husband has been very touchy lately wanting to cuddles. :) Too bad he's stinky.

Friday, April 09, 2010

300th Post

I fell asleep after my blog last night and woke up 3 am and was never able to go back to sleep.

I feel pretty sad for some reason, when I know I shouldn't be.
I should stop looking back and look forward...
I should be grateful what I do have in life.....................but

I just miss him


Thursday, April 08, 2010

Random Memories, Loyalty, Love.

Happy Birthday DY! ... I could only wish I could have spent it with you. *sigh*
There were random memories that went through my head today. Mostly of the last guys I was seeing, or what not. The Greatest Guys I currently know. I was attracted to them on their own individual sense of ... I don't even know. What did I love about them that drew me to them? ...

Thoughts of Today Of -
DC - What he had confessed to me is still perhaps one of the most sweetest things I've ever heard. How considerate he is... is what got me and I wonder will I ever hear the same consideration and sweet 'train of thoughts' from any other guy.
FL - His little quirks of him just being him makes me smile. His random Muay Thai kicks around the Condo and the hallways. The singing to the music that plays through out the store. The way he would stick his hand out, as though to wait for mine. ♥ I miss him sometimes, I come to think of him as close to the perfect package, but to me he was one I was unable to unwrap.
DY - I'm drawn to his passion for the outdoors. I enjoyed watching him with his fishing gear. And learning new things from him. I've never been so comfortable with someone ( since my first love ). I love his little quarks as well and the fact he's not shy to be in front of the camera. A great Cook...I take that back, fantastic cook. I loved the moments where we cooked together. He has an opened mind to learning and trying new things. When he spoke from the heart his eyes are so sad at times and that ... kind of broke my heart.

All three of them have one thing in common, they are men who can take care of themselves. Their ability to exude their independence and confidence of who they are as a person makes them Great Guys to me. A part of me wishes there are more like them out there but the truth is, there aren't. I have told them that I think they are great, I have nothing to hold back from them because I had nothing to lose to them. Not even my love.

I wish I could say I loved / love these guys, but I can't. I want / wanted to. I really cared / care for them and want them to be happy. But I feel now, if I did love them / if they allowed for me to, it would have been foolishly, blindly, half-heartedly. I showed great care to these men, but I wonder if they knew the care I showed them, my actions that can be mistaken for love, is the same caliber of care and love I show to all my great friends. If you are sick, I will in my great well being take care of you. If you are sad, I will in my humble being comfort you. If you are confused, I will in my clear state of mind try to help you. If you are hungry, I will cook and feed you. I'm not here in life to try to be a great girlfriend or potential wife or friend. I'm just trying to be a great person. I can only wish the best for those around me and hope those around me wish the best for me. If I can gather my energy again and continuously give the quality of love I'm used to showing to all my friends and loved ones again. I will feel that love returned.

The truth is, I have been. I do feel the great friends I do have. Though I may not see them often or haven't hung out with them in years. They text me, msn me and chat with me constantly. They are there and they make it known to me that they always will be if I ever need them, and I will always be there for them too. I will be loyal to you if you show you're loyal to me.

I'm pushing myself to learn how to drive. I think I may have to go behind my dad's back to do it. Sign up for driving school. I want to learn something from people who don't belittle me all the time.

Why??? Why do I want to drive? Besides wanting my scooter ( which I think I'd now substitute and get a car first ) ... Roller hockey season is starting up now. I can't even imagine quitting. I promised her I'd play, I said that I'd play for her. Two seasons is not enough in my part to honor her. I missed the opportunity to play with her when she was alive, but as I strap on her gear and pull those pink laces tight on the skates that were once hers as well. She now skates and plays with me. If I don't play, I would feel like I've broken my word. I can't play if I can't get to the games. I can't get to the games if I don't drive. So therefore, I must learn to drive.

One of my friends tell me, that that's so cool. That I don't play for me, that there's a purpose behind why I play roller hockey. The truth is, there is a purpose behind almost everything I do, I simply don't say why. I know I've had an emotional week ( scrap that, weeks? more like MONTHS ) where I've been up and down and up and down. Knowing and not knowing, but that's what life is all about. I've had a lot of time to reflect on why I feel the way I feel. I thought I had lost love, when I haven't. When I come to think about it, it is LOVE that drives me. The love of my friend is what makes me play roller hockey. The love of my art teachers and for the love of art is what makes me want to paint. The love of life is what keeps me going.

I had forgotten that I said this to my dear friend Ran Ran once, that I didn't feel that one person "The One" could ever really have all my love. I can't just LOVE one person since I believe that I should love everyone that means something to me equally and greatly. However I'm a bit conflicted on this matter. I guess "The One" Will have more of my loyalty, devotion and attention. But till the one decides to make himself known to me. This undivided attention, loyalty and devotion will be directed towards myself, my art, my family and friends. If I love all things around me, than it won't be hard for love to find me.... Till then...

Peace, Love and Chicken Grease ( a friend DJ used to say all the time )

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

No Power

That's how I feel right now, No Power.
No, the power went out today and I was bored. I re-recorded some songs realizing the other ones I spent recording the day before were bunk! when I heard them again i was like... why did I sing it that way?! I tried to work on one which was inspired by Darren, but I don't have all the lyrics for that song down yet. I did however create an awesome beat to it.

I woke up this morning feeling a bit sad. But tonight as it's winding down to an end...I've been chatting with a few people I feel better. Making music also helped.

I know I need to focus more on me more than ever. I have lots of plans on my list that I need to get done and build my foundation. Moving out on my own is going to be a big goal, I was looking into lofts and seeing what the average is to rent one, I love lofts. ♥ so I every time I picture it, I want it that much more.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Little Busy Bee

I've been running around all day... but lets talk about yesterday.
Last night I finally uploaded to flickr pics from my Bamfield Trip there are a few shots I took of Steve and Connie as they were together.. ♥ I love those ones the best. And the footprints one... I like that one too.

Today I first called into a Sanyo Service center location... then I skytrain there only to find out that they don't take "digital camcorders" they consider anything that takes digital still shots a "camera". He gives me a number to call in and I skytrain from Rupert to Brentwood where I went to deposit money into my account at the bank, then I sat down and call the headquarters of Sanyo Canada to get see what I should do. My cammy is broken and I need it fixed. The operator I spoke with was so sweet! and helpful. I told him my problem and he said just send it in. Since the camera is fairly new. That it's free when they return it to me, I just have to send it to them. I spent a while at the post office wrapping up my cammy to send off, writing a little letter to the service centre on the back of the copy of the receipt that I placed in the box to ask them to take good care of it. I love my Cammy. I walk into electronic boutique to ask if they accepted used consoles cause I'm looking to get rid of my Nintendo Game Cube since I have a Wii, maybe I'll go trade in some games I don't want for a new Wii game. Well... they do and I walk out of the store happy. I walk on over to the bus stop to catch a bus to Metro, texting with Alex along the way... Alex...I never knew what a great friend he was until today...I've known him for more than ten years now, but it was today I found out he's one of the rare ones I've come across with a passion. I go in and get something to eat ... pretzels, I love pretzel balls at The Little Monk. I walk on over to Young Drivers...I'm signing up for driving classes. I spent the longest time looking for this place. I got an address and was still lost. Alex helped me out so much. I walk into an insurance store of the building to ask where Young Drivers is. The lady, trying to be funny says tells me that it's up and I need to jump to get there.... I look at her strangely like she's NOT funny. I think to myself...she doesn't know who she's talking to...cause this is so being BLOGGED! She laughs a little along with the ladies behind her at the desks and she then kindly tells me how to get to young drivers. I go up and go in only to find out how expensive it is...I did some research and was ready to go get 5 driving ... and they tell me if I sign for full package which is twice as expensive as the 5 driving lessons .. which also has in class sessions, and 16 in car lessons. I take all the information with me and now I'm leaning towards the more expensive package cause what these people can do for me in a couple of months is more than anyone has done for me and driving in 5 years. This is a big step for me...I have to sacrifice a month of saving for these courses if I take the bigger package...and a big commitment but it's something I have to do.

Oh on the bus to Metro I got to flip through a 24 hours to catch my horoscope.
"Sometimes the best lesson is to let go and wait a while."

Right now, in my life... That is so true.
I've let go of a lot of things at the moment...I've thrown my emotions a side for now and the hopes of "love" and I'm really focusing on me. What I really have to do. Cause if the stars are right. I'm capable of great things ( though I get easily distracted ) if I can channel my energy... I can make this year a great one for me. I know now, I just have to surround myself with the right people and know who my greatest friends are. I've always known that the greatest friends you ever have in life are not the ones that are there all the time, but they are there when they are needed the most.

I noticed one thing about myself which my brothers' book of birthday says which is very true about my personality.

I'm a very respectful person, loyal to people, till I'm disrespected to.
Now there are a number of ways to loose my loyalty. Abuse, lying, cheating, false accusations... Ugh I'm tired. I think it's one of the reasons why I probably don't get along with my father. Don't get me wrong, I love him cause he's my dad, but I don't respect him as highly cause well, sometimes I feel like he puts himself on this high horse, and talks to the rest of us like we're below him and we're all stupid. I've taken both mental and physical abuse from this man. He has disappointed me like others in my family at times, sometimes when it mattered the most to me. It's so sad for me to say, I've become so NON-dependent on others through out my life because of the fact that I don't know who it is I can depend on besides myself.

I was working on music today, having it full blast in headphones and my back to the door, is probably why I didn't hear my dad knocking on my room door to eat dinner. ( I wasn't hungry anyways at the time ). I tell him about driving school. [ He does what I predicts he will say ... that's it's a bunch of bull shit and that he's always been there and willing to teach me ( liar, I've had my learners for 4 years previous you've only asked me to go driving 5 times two of those times were in the last week. And plus yuo've given me the lecture of where your car is a work car and that I'm not supposed to be driving it talk. ) So I don't bother asking for him to teach me. ] I proceed to my room and he comes in and says he's frustrated with me all the time, he asks me... When ever I've asked anything of him he has always replied, is there any moments where I can think of that he hasn't?

I wanted to ask him, "Have you ever stop to ask what it is I want? Or how I'm doing?"

Monday, April 05, 2010

Making Sweet Music

Ahhh.. I'm not a pro. It's more like my dirty little secret. Singing and song writing.
I can't sing very well, better than some, but I'm working on it... I know... But I have some kind of talent. If you heard some of my songs ... you'd know but only a handful or so of close friends have had the pleasure so... sorry blog, no dice!

Well I just made three songs three days... _ re-sang two of them. Changing the songs. One new one. Produced the tracks to them ( background music ) ... frustrating recording when you hear tons of noise in the background from various people in the house... and the dog.. oh the dog how he snores! The last two songs are the most intense... I tried to pair some of my other old songs with some beats but... I think I have to re-think their tune... so they are good. The best one I guess is a toss between the last two songs. One I wrote a while back which was inspired by Frankie. It was so intense listening to that compilation of beats and strings and .. ahh intense when I was recording it.. but .. I think it's way better than the original... with music and vocally. Sundeep agreed :P .. Love crime... another intense one. I wrote beginning of January. When I felt really weak and broken down. Why is all my creativity right now towards music? why are all these tunes popping in my head? or lyrics or what not. ahhhh @_@ ... brain.. give me pictures to paint already. Let me pick up that brush and paint the world something silly beautiful. < I know that is bad grammar but I'm talking slag! so there... :P

Saturday, April 03, 2010

What Life Brings

I went out this morning for breakfast with Ben. We went to Ihop. I ordered one thing on the menu that had fruits ( not a huge selection ) but it was good. Strawberry Banana French Toast. We chatted about what's been going on. On the car ride home he tells me he felt abandoned by my lack of communication with him in the last two months. Though we were both very busy with work. I say to him that I knew he would survive without me. He had done it all the years without me since Asian Avenue days. LOL. Anyways.

I get home to find the Desi Method released Shalini's song. It's so good that it inspires me all the time when I hear it. Then I get in motion of creating a beat today and then I wrote a song. Sang it ... recorded it. and that was that. I created a song today.

At dinner however dad tells me that one of our great uncles passed away from the fight with cancer. I hesitate before asking what kind of cancer. He said of the large intestines. Then I ask what cancer grandpa had passed away from. He says he thinks the same something of the large intestines. I want to tell dad about what's been going on with me, but I don't cause ... well I come out and ask "Colon Cancer"? He says "yeah ... something like that." When dad said large intestines and cancer, how did I speculate that it could be Colon Cancer? well cause IBS, ( what the doctor says I may have and prescribed me pills for ) have almost the same symptoms of Colon Cancer. So I've done my research. Dad tells me to watch my bowel movements and watch what I eat. [ I don't tell him that Colon Cancer was what I thought I had before I went for my check up in January ] I nod my head at him. It doesn't help me to know that the scare I had, is the same kind of cancer that runs in the family. My regular check up came up a clean bill of health, so I don't even want to think about "might" having it anymore. I've had a good couple months with no relapses and major symptoms so... I'm just happy about that.

I don't want to think about dying ( I've already cried about that ) ... I want to concentrate on living... cause I'm still here.

I'm in love with my song. :) I guess cause it's all mine.
No One Else.

Friday, April 02, 2010

I'm Not Your Wife

There's one thing about owing someone. You have some kind of obligation to them, no matter how much they hurt you... you still owe them.

I spent most of this morning and afternoon wrapping up some design work. Now it's time to spring clean out the house. Not just my room, but the whole house...
While designing today my dad comes down to talk to me again... I owe him a lot. But can't talk back if he says anything that continuously crushes my soul.

He asks if me and Darren broke up already.
I say, we're friends. He then goes and says I have a problem. I can make friends but I can't ever keep them. [ is it obvious Dad, or have the slightest clue that you may not know me at all? Or are you talking about relationships over all with a guy? ] He says I have to change my character, that I have so many BAD flaws as a person. [ He's crushing my heart even more, like I haven't taken enough this week ] He says I need to change and that he is going to need to teach me. That I NEED to learn how to cook Chinese food, cause I SHOULD have dinner ready for them when THEY get home from work. That I should think about EVERYBODY else before me...even if I don't eat. [ I don't tell him that Chinese food maybe the reason I'm constantly sick ... The starch, the MSG]...He keeps going saying that I should listen more and more and more and think about everything people are trying to tell me. That I NEED to change. Cause when I have a family one day I will need to do these things.

I want to tell him... I'm not mom and I'm not YOUR WIFE. I'm old enough to take care of myself.. and I'm trying to do that, but I can't take care of so many other adults when they should be able to handle themselves. I'm not trying to be disrespectful but it's hard to play mom ALL THE TIME. When I have my own family one day, I'll do everything you ( mom & dad ) never did for my kids. Cause I don't even know who really raised me... I barely remember what great things you did for me. I didn't know what parents should be doing, but I know I'll be a better parent to my kids. Right now, I need to take care of me before I can even take care of everyone else. Health wise I've had such a good couple months I'm glad just to have them. The beginning of January was hard for me. My body was weak... I just didn't tell anyone. My heart hurts ... I don't have to courage to say that I felt so weak that I had to use my full body weight just to push open doors, or how I just couldn't stomach anything and I was watching my face go slimmer. ( I'm just thankful I wasn't so weak that I needed to be hospitalized ... I hate hospitals ) When I tell people when, I say it to someone how I felt, what I went through ... it just becomes that much more real. Let me fight it on my own. It's MY battle. Since I got over that hump... I did it on my own, it's MY victory.

Let me have my victory.

It's time to go be mommy now.
To clean house since mom never really cleans at all.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Getting Back To Me

I must say I'm so tired already... I've been trying with what ever energy I've been able to muster up since the last few days of emotional draining days. I was very much trying to get back to me. Focus on what it is I really need to do now more than ever before. Love is not love of someone, my love runs deeper than that to what it is I do. I've forgotten so many things lately...what I'm really all about was one of them. It's time to focus back to the business part of me. To keep building what it is I've been trying to build these last seven months. What I've been working towards.

Downtown work seems to be more tedious of work that has nothing to do with design and is making me more weary if I want to stay there. I'm all about helping a company grow, but if my skill sets are not used to the best of it's abilities... it only makes me feel so wasted. That my energy is placed into doing other jobs of lesser value.

I'm going to be re-focusing back more on freelance... I shouldn't have steered away so easily from it in the first place. I'm tired. But I keep going.

I thought I was only going to be out for an hour or so today but ended up going with my sister to visit her old co-workers at Vanoc. Spending more time with my nephew hasn't really gave me more insight yet. I do look forward to when he starts walking and talking and all the fun stuff. But the responsibility for him to me has yet to set in. Maybe cause I knew he was always supposed to happen. Since I already met him in a dream before. Although when I am with him and when he smiles at me when I say a simple "Hi" to him. He looks at me like he's always known who I am, I give him a grin and he grins at me back. I look at him and wonder, when it is going to be my turn. When am I going to be able to have someone in my life to create something so beautiful. A part of me feels like I may never feel this.

Relationships... being in one, I shouldn't miss it, if I've never really been in one.
I say this because ... In my last long relationship, or what ever you may call it, I sacrificed a lot more for than I felt he did for me. I worked a lot around him. There was no even ground. My sister said something to me today in the lines of ... sometimes when you come out of a relationship you take it differently in different ways. You can be emotionally heart broken as were I went a different route, I was more angry. I would like to be in a relationship that counts, I just don't really feel I have the heart for it anymore. Maybe the one I'm meant to be with will make me feel it again and place love back into my heart.

Till then, if that ever more talking about love ( for "the one").
Though I hope for it / expect it, the faith that it will come to me is slowly fading.
I'm starting to feel that - that love doesn't live here ... not anymore.
I don't know where it's gone. I know I've spent too much energy on it...I'm done
... I'm tired.

Open Happiness

I didn't sleep till late last night. Listening to music, seeing what's new. Getting myself in line.

Comment Comment Time 3

It's been 10 videos since the last...