Tuesday, April 27, 2010

At The Police Station

I woke up this morning feeling really sick. My stomach hurting, I felt as though I was short of breath. It was that sickly feeling I had in the beginning of January. All of a sudden ... I really miss Darren, I curled up to my pillows as though I would have curled up to him. *sigh*. Have you ever had one of those wake up moments, where you were dreaming and then when you wake up your mind and body believes it's somewhere, when it really isn't. My mind and body thought I was at his place, waking in his bed next to him... when I wasn't, I woke up in bed in my own home - alone. I felt as though my heart hurt.

I see an old friend from school and we chat it up on most of the train ride to work. I felt better after getting breakfast. Work was work. Nothing really new or special about it. A few updates came in, went out etc. My friend Fei, texts me in the last few hours at work to tell me she needs to go to the police station on Main St. My brain goes into questioning mode? Why? she says she needs to get a police certificate from Indonesia, and my next question was.. You're becoming a police officer? ( she had a good laugh ) she was actually applying for permanent residency. I met up with her at London drugs where he was picking up some ID photos and head out with her to the police station. We were there for the longest time, so I updated her. I told her everything that was going on with me. Everything that had happened with me and Trev and DC and all that jazz. I told her the truth of when it all started, and how I was and still sick. My cancer scare... I told her everything. We end up being the last ones to get out of there, and apparently the guy who worked there had been listening to our conversation. Saying.." it seems as though you and your friend live very dramatic lives, you guys should start your own T.V. Series." ..I was going to reply..."I'm on youtube...that's enough for me." Before leaving, Fei asks the guy for a folder or something to place her fingerprint document into so she wouldn't ruin it. She accompanies me to Metro, where she had to go to UPS before it closed, and I needed to go to the washroom. I went with her to UPS first...we on the train before commercial. She asks. "Do you think we can get there in 9 minutes" ... My reply... "We're on the skytrain, not a magical train." She laughs. She calls ups by the time we hit Nanaimo station, the lady was nice enough to wait for her to get there. Only a few minutes around closing time. We leave UPS with the success of getting all she needed to send back home shipped off. Fei accompanies me now to the washroom and the alteration shop. The one in Metrotown by the Old Navy. I'm paying a pretty penny to get this dress fitted. So I look fantastic in it this Spring / Summer. With the same amount of money I could have gotten a new dress... really.. But she already had pinned everything before she told me the cost. But the truth is, this dress is really nice and could be worn year round because the way it was made is pretty good craftsmanship and quality due to the fact it actually has two layers. A lot of dresses now a days are poorly made and sewn. Fabric, quality, pattern. ( yes...I can sew, I actually first applied to the Art Institute of Vancouver to go into Fashion Design... believe it or not... but was talked into going into Graphic Design ) When I was in the alteration shop, when I first walked in it was empty...as I was being fitted in front of the mirror as this lady pins the shit out of the dress because .. one, when I first got it all that was wrong was that the straps were long. but now I lost weight it had be taken in all over. The shop started to fill up with these people, I see them one by one through the mirror watching me get alterations on this dress and people are walking by looking at me. Oh well. It's going to look fantastic when I get it back .. I'm pretty excited actually. No matter how much it's going to cost me cause... well this is one of those dresses I can wear to work or out on a casual date. ( If I even go on anymore dates ) . Just yesterday I was thinking... it's really exhausting going out and meeting someone new and getting to know them only to find out they aren't the one and you start it over again. You can end up doing this 20 times and never find the right now. You can even end up going out on 20 first dates and still end up single and alone at the end of the year. I have met and found great guys... I'd love to be with them, but I can't force them to be with me. So that choice to let them go was mine.

My Boss said something today that made me think. Girls always want the guys they can't have. I thought to myself... OH MY GOSH! ... is that's what's going on with me?! I'm falling for these great guys who are way out of my league or something? or the fact knowing... it's too good to be true to begin with. But the truth is, I'm not like other girls. I know what I have to offer and what I want in a guy but I'm done with chasing the perfect ones. My heart is starting to believe that he doesn't exist. If and when one wants to be with me and makes the effort to. He'll tell me.. and chase me, or at least try. But he has to meet all the qualities or at least all but one. I'm smart enough now not to settle for second best. If you're not good enough to out beat the last two guys I've dated / seen. Who are by far some of the best caliber of men that the male sex has to produce. Don't bother. Not all men have and exude ... consideration, self confidence, understanding, independence, intelligence and inner strength. These guys were great... I would be honored to be the one they choose to be with in the end. They have qualities of being great fathers. Oh the beautiful babies we would make... hahahhaaha sorry... day dreaming. or should I say night dreaming? I guess I'm not looking for a fling, or a boyfriend, I'm in the mind set that... I want something real. I personally feel I deserve something real because everything was so High School for so many years.

When we're leaving the shop and in the mall...we see the guy from the Police station. I nod and smile at him wave a little. He does the same. Fei laughs and realizes that it was strange to see him again. Me and Fei part ways on the way to the skytrain station. It was really nice to see her ... it's been more than half a year since I saw her.

I head home to do some work... I tried to record some songs and I'm off the bed... G'night.
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