Friday, April 02, 2010

I'm Not Your Wife

There's one thing about owing someone. You have some kind of obligation to them, no matter how much they hurt you... you still owe them.

I spent most of this morning and afternoon wrapping up some design work. Now it's time to spring clean out the house. Not just my room, but the whole house...
While designing today my dad comes down to talk to me again... I owe him a lot. But can't talk back if he says anything that continuously crushes my soul.

He asks if me and Darren broke up already.
I say, we're friends. He then goes and says I have a problem. I can make friends but I can't ever keep them. [ is it obvious Dad, or have the slightest clue that you may not know me at all? Or are you talking about relationships over all with a guy? ] He says I have to change my character, that I have so many BAD flaws as a person. [ He's crushing my heart even more, like I haven't taken enough this week ] He says I need to change and that he is going to need to teach me. That I NEED to learn how to cook Chinese food, cause I SHOULD have dinner ready for them when THEY get home from work. That I should think about EVERYBODY else before me...even if I don't eat. [ I don't tell him that Chinese food maybe the reason I'm constantly sick ... The starch, the MSG]...He keeps going saying that I should listen more and more and more and think about everything people are trying to tell me. That I NEED to change. Cause when I have a family one day I will need to do these things.

I want to tell him... I'm not mom and I'm not YOUR WIFE. I'm old enough to take care of myself.. and I'm trying to do that, but I can't take care of so many other adults when they should be able to handle themselves. I'm not trying to be disrespectful but it's hard to play mom ALL THE TIME. When I have my own family one day, I'll do everything you ( mom & dad ) never did for my kids. Cause I don't even know who really raised me... I barely remember what great things you did for me. I didn't know what parents should be doing, but I know I'll be a better parent to my kids. Right now, I need to take care of me before I can even take care of everyone else. Health wise I've had such a good couple months I'm glad just to have them. The beginning of January was hard for me. My body was weak... I just didn't tell anyone. My heart hurts ... I don't have to courage to say that I felt so weak that I had to use my full body weight just to push open doors, or how I just couldn't stomach anything and I was watching my face go slimmer. ( I'm just thankful I wasn't so weak that I needed to be hospitalized ... I hate hospitals ) When I tell people when, I say it to someone how I felt, what I went through ... it just becomes that much more real. Let me fight it on my own. It's MY battle. Since I got over that hump... I did it on my own, it's MY victory.

Let me have my victory.

It's time to go be mommy now.
To clean house since mom never really cleans at all.
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