Thursday, April 08, 2010

Random Memories, Loyalty, Love.

Happy Birthday DY! ... I could only wish I could have spent it with you. *sigh*
There were random memories that went through my head today. Mostly of the last guys I was seeing, or what not. The Greatest Guys I currently know. I was attracted to them on their own individual sense of ... I don't even know. What did I love about them that drew me to them? ...

Thoughts of Today Of -
DC - What he had confessed to me is still perhaps one of the most sweetest things I've ever heard. How considerate he is... is what got me and I wonder will I ever hear the same consideration and sweet 'train of thoughts' from any other guy.
FL - His little quirks of him just being him makes me smile. His random Muay Thai kicks around the Condo and the hallways. The singing to the music that plays through out the store. The way he would stick his hand out, as though to wait for mine. ♥ I miss him sometimes, I come to think of him as close to the perfect package, but to me he was one I was unable to unwrap.
DY - I'm drawn to his passion for the outdoors. I enjoyed watching him with his fishing gear. And learning new things from him. I've never been so comfortable with someone ( since my first love ). I love his little quarks as well and the fact he's not shy to be in front of the camera. A great Cook...I take that back, fantastic cook. I loved the moments where we cooked together. He has an opened mind to learning and trying new things. When he spoke from the heart his eyes are so sad at times and that ... kind of broke my heart.

All three of them have one thing in common, they are men who can take care of themselves. Their ability to exude their independence and confidence of who they are as a person makes them Great Guys to me. A part of me wishes there are more like them out there but the truth is, there aren't. I have told them that I think they are great, I have nothing to hold back from them because I had nothing to lose to them. Not even my love.

I wish I could say I loved / love these guys, but I can't. I want / wanted to. I really cared / care for them and want them to be happy. But I feel now, if I did love them / if they allowed for me to, it would have been foolishly, blindly, half-heartedly. I showed great care to these men, but I wonder if they knew the care I showed them, my actions that can be mistaken for love, is the same caliber of care and love I show to all my great friends. If you are sick, I will in my great well being take care of you. If you are sad, I will in my humble being comfort you. If you are confused, I will in my clear state of mind try to help you. If you are hungry, I will cook and feed you. I'm not here in life to try to be a great girlfriend or potential wife or friend. I'm just trying to be a great person. I can only wish the best for those around me and hope those around me wish the best for me. If I can gather my energy again and continuously give the quality of love I'm used to showing to all my friends and loved ones again. I will feel that love returned.

The truth is, I have been. I do feel the great friends I do have. Though I may not see them often or haven't hung out with them in years. They text me, msn me and chat with me constantly. They are there and they make it known to me that they always will be if I ever need them, and I will always be there for them too. I will be loyal to you if you show you're loyal to me.

I'm pushing myself to learn how to drive. I think I may have to go behind my dad's back to do it. Sign up for driving school. I want to learn something from people who don't belittle me all the time.

Why??? Why do I want to drive? Besides wanting my scooter ( which I think I'd now substitute and get a car first ) ... Roller hockey season is starting up now. I can't even imagine quitting. I promised her I'd play, I said that I'd play for her. Two seasons is not enough in my part to honor her. I missed the opportunity to play with her when she was alive, but as I strap on her gear and pull those pink laces tight on the skates that were once hers as well. She now skates and plays with me. If I don't play, I would feel like I've broken my word. I can't play if I can't get to the games. I can't get to the games if I don't drive. So therefore, I must learn to drive.

One of my friends tell me, that that's so cool. That I don't play for me, that there's a purpose behind why I play roller hockey. The truth is, there is a purpose behind almost everything I do, I simply don't say why. I know I've had an emotional week ( scrap that, weeks? more like MONTHS ) where I've been up and down and up and down. Knowing and not knowing, but that's what life is all about. I've had a lot of time to reflect on why I feel the way I feel. I thought I had lost love, when I haven't. When I come to think about it, it is LOVE that drives me. The love of my friend is what makes me play roller hockey. The love of my art teachers and for the love of art is what makes me want to paint. The love of life is what keeps me going.

I had forgotten that I said this to my dear friend Ran Ran once, that I didn't feel that one person "The One" could ever really have all my love. I can't just LOVE one person since I believe that I should love everyone that means something to me equally and greatly. However I'm a bit conflicted on this matter. I guess "The One" Will have more of my loyalty, devotion and attention. But till the one decides to make himself known to me. This undivided attention, loyalty and devotion will be directed towards myself, my art, my family and friends. If I love all things around me, than it won't be hard for love to find me.... Till then...

Peace, Love and Chicken Grease ( a friend DJ used to say all the time )
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