Monday, May 31, 2010

End So Soon?

Had one of the best dates...evar... hahah will blog details tomorrow..
too much smiling to do anything tonight...

ALRIGHT... lets rewind.
The day was hectic with things coming in from clients as I try to figure and make notes on the migration of the sites at work. I kept my intake of food in check as I keep my eye on the clock. I had a date tonight. :) with someone who I had thought on Friday kinda ignored me. I didn't get a message back in Saturday which works out our misunderstandings. We schedule a second date with one another for Monday - Today. Yeah next to dressing up for work, I had to wear something that would be nice for going out as well. I wear a dress, my one inch heel boots, with a light blazer jacket for spring / summer wear. I didn't realize how fat the dress made me look until I got to work. My date comes to pick me up at work. I come down and come out of my building to see him sitting across the street on his phone. I wait for him to cross the street to find myself uncomfortably have a stranger stand right next to me. So close if I swung my arm I could have hit him. That's my comfort zone. He crosses the street and greets me with a big hug. *smiles* wow.. I love his hugs. What's a great hug? they pull you close just as you pull the close to you. Which means your whole body is saying hello to one another. Not just you saying it, but your souls. Your whole being feels little embraced cause nothing is missed. That is a great hug. We had time to kill before another movie date. I take him to El Kartel. I hadn't been there for a while, I wanted to see what was in, what was styling, what art was on the walls. I walk in with the place filled with music as always but a live dj was spinning. My date thought that the lucha dore images on the wall that were on the wall riding bicycles were pretty cool. I love the music that was spinning. We hit up a sunglasses place, he tells there's this one style that he digs and it's so hard for him to find them anymore. We walk back to the car and he we go to PC for a walk around to see if there's anything worth shopping for. Me I look at what's nice work dresses that can double for casual outings. I complain about how hard it is to find anything nice that actually fits and he comforts me and puts his arm around me pulls me close to him to have him tell me in my ear that anything would look good on me. Awww ... so sweet. ♥ but that's such a lie . hahaha . I'm too boob-a-lishous for my own good. We walk about to the new places he hadn't seen before since he hadn't been to Pacific Centre for a while and simply chat. There was a moment in RW&CO store where we were talking and he remembers how this one time he was looking for a gift for his X and he looked everywhere for these boots that may have never even existed. I feel his frustration, not just in his words but... the air. I stop in my tracks as I walked ahead of him. Turned around and walked back towards him and gave him a big hug. Why I did this I don't know. I guess it was my way to say. Don't let the past get to you cause as bad as it was, I'm here now. His aura changes quickly and we moved on to another store to another conversation with my arm hooked onto to his. After walking around the mall I we headed over to the theatre and sat there and chatted in the empty hall before it started to fill up. He did a cute little finger snap when the first person started to walk in the theatre room where we were. He helped me with my crossword which not a lot of guys have ever been able to even help me out with, he got some as I got my spots of genius as I get some of the clues that were given. I'm strange like that I guess. I think a lot out side the box and always at double meanings of things. But before the movie started I decided to the washroom, before leaving I kindly ask for him to watch my stuff and joking say that he wouldn't just abandon me there as I gave him a big embrace. He says of course not. I leave to visit the loo and when come back and he takes my hand as I sat down and he asks me to go with him on his Europe trip. My mind goes blank. [ Just to let all you people know, my date and I have been in contact for more than 8 months chatting on msn. He's not a perfect strangers as we share friends, mine from my childhood who became his friends in his teens till now. ] I have never had anyone spontaneously ask me something that could possibly be closest thing to a dream coming true. He tells me that he would like me to go see France with him. My heart stops for a second. My first question was, are you serious? and his response was yes. My second was, when are you leaving for Europe? He tells me right after we return from our Calgary trip. My mind still in the state of *is this guy for real? and just asked me to go to Europe with him?!* BLANKNESS. I knew in my heart I couldn't take more than a week off of work at the current moment at such short notice and not only that, I didn't have enough money to even think of going on this trip as much as I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to. A part of my heart feels like, it's really not my time to go. If it is, the universe would give me signs and show me and the right opportunities would open up. My date did however wonder if I could ask my boss. You see, I don't work on salary. I really could just take off at any moment I just give a heads up as a courtesy but as for responsibility. And the fact that as much as I like my date, it's too much too soon. I had already accepted his offer to accompany him to his Calgary trip where his car will be showing in the Driven Car show. But as SWEET and AWESOME Europe trip sounds something in my heart tells me there's something here that very much needs attending to. I share this with him and I feel he understands. I hold his hand through out the movie and stroked his arm as his hand rests on my knee as we watched Prince of Persia on the big screen. There was one moment during the movie where I simply lean into him and take hold of his arm and rest my head a bit on his shoulder, he turns to me and I feel him kiss my forehead and lift my head and turn to him and somehow so naturally we shared our first little kiss *blush* .. when I turned back to the movie I felt something I never expected to. Something I hadn't felt for the longest time from a kiss. The sides of my neck tingling [ the last time I felt this was probably more than a year ago ] I take a deep breath and thought, it could me nothing. The movie was good, beautifully written and the graphics were great. As the lights went up and we let the eager ones in our row leave first we got up and before walking down the steps. He gives me another warm embrace and this time *blush* he leans in for a kiss *blush* I kinda shied but he did something that I always thought that if a guy wanted to kiss me should do. He pulled me a little closer to him, and embraced one arm behind my head and another on my back and pulled me into him. *BLUSH* one of the best kisses I've had in a long long time. wow . My hand slips into his, and we turn to walk down the stairs together, he leads my hand to take grasp of his arm as he places his hand into his pockets. There was a moment where I was waiting for him as he went the the mens room, I had decided to go to the ladies room. Here's the thing. Right after you've come out of the theatre. Most likely the washroom closest to you is going to be filled. And it was. I waited a few minutes for him as we descended to the second level of the theatre levels and I went to that one because I knew it would be empty and had more stalls. I was right. It was so empty! There was one song through out the day that we kept hearing everywhere. In the mall, in the theatre, and even after we got into the car and drove off.

After the movie we head off to eat, he took me to a place on Hastings called Sushi Town, but as we walk in the girl tells me their closed. We hand missed closing time by a minute! 9:30 and we had arrived 9:31. What luck?! He wanted me to try the Awesome Roll they have there :) . He apologizes and says he can take me somewhere that's not sushi but just good Asian food. I said, sure why not. He takes me the the Congee & Noodle house on Renfrew & First, kind of my childhood area. I tell him how I remember when the T&T there used to be a Safeway. We enjoy the food and each others company. LOL. I remember going to the washroom to wash my hands when the food arrived, I almost slipped on the washroom floor cause it was wet, but I saved myself with my cat like reflexes and balance. LOL. I had ordered Congee and he ordered noodles. It was very good.
 I didn't know why I had the want to sit next to him when we ate, but I had moved myself next to him after we had placed the orders and before the food arrived. I found out he's not very much a hot drink person. I'm a smoothie person in the morning :) . Our food ended up being too much for us and had the rest packed up to go.  We have a nice chat on the drive home. In the back of my mind I kept asking myself why I was going home. As I was thinking that - he said it out loud he didn't really want to take me home yet but it was getting late and I had work the next day.  He takes me home and wonders the next time we are going to see one another. I say probably for our trip. He thinks about it for a bit and said it might be true cause he needed to work on his car to get it ready for the show. He gives me the biggest hug... and kiss goodnight. *blush* He tells me that he's going to miss me. *blush*...
I really didn't want the night to end.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Abs Diet Calculations Three

What I didn't lose anything this week??? too many going out days... rarr
Weight115 lb114 lb114 lb
Hip To Waist Ratio 0.9140.900.90
Body fat percentage26.66%26.42%26.42%

Hip To Waist Ratio Measurement:
Hip: 31"
Waist: 34.5"
31 / 34.5 = 0.898

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Insentives, KAIZEN

He Calls Me Out

I hung out with someone last night. A friend from high school and he calls me out on a few things I wrote in his year book. OMG - that was ten years ago! Like I remember who I particularly know who I was with during the spring break of 2000 if I wrote I missed you that spring break. Come on now!

We hung out, watched movies, chill and chatted. It was nice to be with someone that I felt was really enjoying my company. By the time I noticed what time it was it was so late... I took a nap and next thing I knew It was morning time. He lives a couple blocks away from me so as drops me home this morning before heading to his seminar.

I get home and all I do is sleep some more until the late afternoon like 2pm. John picks me up later on in the day after I filmed a sketch and post it.

I shower and get ready for the night. John comes picks me up and we head out to Burnaby. I accompany him to a revscene dinner meet. Some of the guys seemed so familiar but I didn't say much. We soon quickly head on over to Chris' performance of the night. LOL. We got there just in time. I was so eager to see him and his friends go on stage that I wanted John to just go in the door, but there were all these people leaving and John waited for them to pass. I ... being the small person that I am was impatient cause I can see that they were on stage already. But I started filming right away! :) I made it to his performance which made me happy to see. It happened so fast that after a few songs... it was over. We head over down to Local an "public eatery". Before getting there John decides to park the car at his aunts salon. I meet her and she's just a little warming aura that reminds me of my art teacher. I talk to her for a bit and get a business card. Soon after we left and walked down a block to the Local. The place was jumping and full of people with beautiful waitresses and bartenders. We ate together the band members and friends in celebration =)

10 Confessions - When It Comes To Me & Men

OK. ok. There are somethings that some of us girls / women do that we don't particularly notice we do until we break down our thinking process. I'm going to evaluate myself out and confess what it is that goes through my mind when meeting, coming in contact, or randomly checking out guys. Theses are not in order and this is purely for fun. And if you're one of my guy friends reading this... YES I probably have thought about one of these 10 random things with you in it.


Within the first 30 seconds of visual contact ( which means I may notice you but you may not notice me ) ... I already imagined how sex with you would be like. If you are a giver / taker / passionate / intense. Good or Bad. Yup that's right. First 30 seconds.
[ didn't think this would be number one did you! LMAO! ]


Yes... if the first 30 seconds are visually satisfying I do wonder ... How big is it. I'm going to be honest to say that I don't spend too much time thinking about this. Only two things I look at to pre-determined it's size. Hands & Feet. But you know what I learned ladies... that the feet LIE! yes they do. *Take it from an artist* Nature does not follow the rules of proportions, never, ever, ever, just symmetrical. And how symmetrical beings are a thing of beauty... *WOOH* okay lets get back to what I was talking about. If I say I go by the size of the hands, some of my guy friends tell me this is a false way to identify the size of the manhood. They try to convince me that there is no sure fire way to tell by outward appearances when they are fully clothed. The only way to really find out is to see it to believe it. See, now how do I go about doing this. Do I try to convince the guy he's a thing of beauty and I would love to sketch him... you know Titanic but the reverse. >_< LOL. Oh - the disappointment it will bring when it's not up to par.


I don't know about you ladies but genetics is the only thing that makes us attracted and even attractive. Then again there's the dangers of plastic surgery. Plastic surgery is a LIE! I'm pretty sure we all heard about that man that sued his wife and left her when they had an ugly baby. Yeah I don't want that, I'm as real as it gets and when it comes down to it - I'm looking for the real thing as well. Pure Genetics. If you got the right stuff, I'm going to be thinking if we would make beautiful babies.


ok . ok . The truth of the matter is I am one of those girls that do ask, what kind of car do you have. The truth is I don't care. I really don't. " Oh Pretty" is probably the only thing that will come out of my mouth if you tell me it's something expensive. "Can I get a ride?" would probably one of the other things I ask you. At this point I'm sizing you out. If you're a good driver or not. If I am into you and I sit beside you and you're NOT a good driver. I feel uncomfortable and you drive like you make me want to throw up, I won't be beside you for very long. I will come to believe and make the association that sitting beside you in the car would be just as though sitting beside you through life. If you make me sick, you'll make me sick. If it's smooth sailing, it will be smooth sailing. I do get sick in some people's car when they drive, some people just make me nervous to be in the car with them. With me, it's not what you drive, it's how you drive it.


Some guys I know get offended by this assumption that I only want fit and buff sporty body guy. Hell yeah I want a boyfriend who has arms like a tree trunk and legs like an elephant. Why did both things I described arms and legs both have some kind of 'trunk' association. It's not about the body. - This is like ... #4. It's not about your body, it's about how you treat it. Personally I learned a long time ago to treat my body like a temple. If you respect your body, you respect yourself. If you poison your body, you poison yourself. Yes health is a thing I look for in a guy, one who can take care of himself. It is your physic that makes me determine if you are capable to do with me the things I like to do. Like jogging, or hiking, or other physically active activities. *wink wink* But it's not only this, it also determines a point of stamina. That's right. I said it. Stamina. Here's my question, girls play hard to get because they like the chase. It makes them feel special. What's the point of making the boys run and chase after you, when they are not 'fit' enough to catch you? OOh *FIT* here has double meaning. Think about it. Point and Score * note to the guys and girls for fitness: Don't do it for anybody else but you. Because YOU deserve it. Note: How do you ever expect to reach and take hold of what it is you want if you're not fit enough to stay in this race.


A lot of guys don't know this but I consider you one of the following three. Lover, Friend, or Foe. That's right if you're a stranger you'll just fall into the foe area, I hate you before I love you. ( I'm just kidding you just don't belong here and when you do you'll be on of the three ... okay?! ) When I meet someone I size them up. Analyze and watch how you talk, how you walk, how you style yourself, how you exert yourself, how you treat people. Thus in turn I place you in the categories. Foe is easy, if you annoy me in some insurmountable way I'll dislike you. Easy as that, sometimes it takes one little thing to disrespect me and that's it. Friend, well if I don't wanna sexy time with you, you fall into this category. I like you but I just am not attracted to you in that way. It's the easiest way to say it. Lover... oh sexy time baby sexy time.. I'm kidding, these are the ones that have the higher potential of being lover than friends. Easy as that. YES. Maybe. No. easy-pezy rice and cheesy.


I had a problem thinking past the first six I named about guys but. Conversations, if we ever get to this point. Conversations say a lot. You know since we are on the point of communicating with one another. This is where I get to see if you're smart, funny, sexy, cool or just plain stupid. I find guys who are smart with a sense of showing their thoughts, emotions, with a mix of humility and humor very attractive. Not only talk about what they like, but who they are as a person. Sometimes there's no conversation and just awkward silence and we all know what that does. Kills everything. A bad conversation can kill everything too. There was this one time I met this guy who started talking to me about hockey and what not, he wasn't that bad looking, blond hair blue eyes, is an accountant? ... is that a question I don't know. What killed it was that every time he spoke it seemed like a question and I was left going.... was that a question? by the end of it. Say what you mean an mean what you say and always hold true to your word. if you don't know how to talk to a girl, practice. We're just like men but we have boobs, no balls and no penis. Sorry to disappoint you.


Oh man Mr. Dressup show was awesome when I was a kid. What ever happened to him :( oh and there's the "underneath the umbrella tree" show ... that was awesome too. Anyways. Ladies we all have our own styles, there are ones we are attracted to and certain ones we just don't dig. Me, I'm not a big metal fan, nor am I of their style. I love punk to a certain degree. I have to dress professional cause I work in an downtown office, my style I would say is... I have none? no, just kidding. Depends on the occasion I would say, but I'm more of the hip hop sophisticated. Simple little being that has no clue really what her style is. Maybe I was meant to be placed in the world of harajuku? Guys in suits seem to always catch my eye. Mr. Good Looking as he's looking good. Hip Hop Style - I dunno, I guess it's the artistic part of me that likes this, but I'm also a hip hop beat lover so maybe it's the casual comfort. I am how ever dimming down my colors as my wardrobe is getting older. More dresses and heels for me. I guess I'm also looking for someone who's aging well with their style as well. Can't dress like you're 16 forever. The thing that I look down to see for style for some reason is shoes. There are those that take very good care of their shoes. Have great choices, but most of all, it it matches what they are wearing at the current time being.


I have a pretty good sense of age-dar? kinda like the gay-dar, but for age. I don't really know how I do it. I look at a couple of features that let me indicate age. (1) - Skin . Younger ones either have really really great skin, or acne. If we've aged we have a little wear and tear. (2) Hands, yes the skin wear and tear theory comes in here as well but this one is sometimes hard. (3) Hair - If you noticed young ones have a lush full set of hair. The most of us is thinning, or have hair loss or have some kind of repercussions that shows in our hair due to stress. Wait.. the only people I don't notice this with is my East Indian Friends... you lucky bastards. The other hair to look for is on their face. I believe women have a better sense of age then men. To be honest age is not so much a factor in relationships. It's maturity.


Although I may do the following things above, there is one thing that can throw you off even though you may have already come to think I'm just some judgmental bitch. Is that all these things don't even matter that much because they are just simple thoughts of wonderment. I love my friends and family and whomever guy that comes to read this. I like you just as you are. We are friends because I accept your just as you are and will always see you for what is good. That's why I get along with a lot of people. That's why I can hold conversations ( or at least try to ) with friends and strangers. I may think you're really good looking, I may think you're decent, I may think you're not my type. But it really doesn't matter boys / guys / men because in this life and as a person, come to know you're a great person, friend, lover, husband ( whatever it is you are and aspire to be ) are a person of great potential and ability. It's really sexy for those who are comfortable being themselves and know what they want and are actually striving to get it.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Goodnight Bob & CC

It's late another late morning. I don't know what's going on. I've fallen back to the nocturnal loving me. Thinking what I should wear tomorrow, what I should eat, what's for breakfast. what should I bring for lunch.

I make kiss faces at Bob and he swims up, I kiss the fishbowl and he swims right up to my lips. How cute! awww.. I go walk over and kiss cc on the forehead good night and turn off the lights. It's time for bed world.

Good night. Good morning. Good afternoon.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Down -then- Up

Life will always serve you downs but don't ever let them get to you because for a down is an up.
I'm still reading Love As A Way Of Life. Some may think this is all about love as in love life.. well you're partly right because it's all about understanding yourself and how to change yourself of the best and in hopes to understand the bad relationships as well that occur. One of my personal twisted relationships is probably one with my father. I've blogged about him and I need to learn how to speak his love language and come to know why our relationship is so awful. One is... I now know is that I've grown tired of him and have lost my patience. My sister says just sit there and listen to what he has to say and when you're done just leave. But that's not love, I'm not contributing, that's just being a good listener. I have no way to listen and respond because when I usually do it's considered being disrespectful. ( Asian family house hold ). One of my biggest current issues is my father is constantly saying to me is that I have no friends and that I have no clue on how to keep my friends. Now, my dad has never really expressed "true" meaningful conversations with me in the right context. For example. Years ago my dad tried talking to me about sex once but never really said the word "sex." He kept replacing it with - "you know"- I knew what he was talking about but it's just really weird talking about sex from father to daughter. See now when my dad says "friends", does he really mean "friends" or does he mean "boyfriend" cause my relationships have been failing. I'm sorry dad, but if you really mean "boyfriend" when you say "friend" ... is it really that bad if I choose not to settle for any guy? - for just any joe schmo? You simply can't say that it's 100% my fault when my relationships don't turn out the way they do, it takes two to tango. I can't just hook line and sinker any guy into being my husband. I don't live in the same circumstances as you once did when you and mom found each other. We no longer live in the small town, in a small city, in a small country. And to be honest, I really don't want to emulate the relationship you and mom have with one another. That's NOT what love should be, let alone a marriage. Well not in my eyes. Second of all - You can't really speculate that I have NO friends either cause I have lots of friends, I can make a lot more friends everyday, and for true friends. We all know true friends are few.

Now - Now, I know I shouldn't let a man that barely knows me judge my whole existence. My dad however has always been the only one to push me to the brink of thoughts of suicide. Sad - right? It is.

I've come to the conclusion that I have to learn how to love my dad, how to communicate with him. He lectures and lectures. Telling that everything I practically do is wrong, but the way he communicates his emotions, thoughts and feelings are wrong as well - which in turns makes me react and put up my wall of emotional protection. This wall of emotional protection can come off as being disrespectful but a person can only take so much verbal abuse and what he seems to say that is advice. Some of the weirdest advice any parent can give as well. Example. "Don't eat raw vegetables, the pesticides cause cancer, so always cook your veggies. Don't buy pre-packaged veggies. Don't drink bottled water. Did you listen to the news? " That's just a few things he said to me today. He has to stop worrying about what MAY affect us and focus on what IS effecting us, as a family and in our household. Not so much as to how the OUTSIDE world is trying to get us. That's what and how I feel about him. You can't explain a painting as a whole without breaking it down and focusing on it's details. You can't appreciate the whole, unless you appreciate the finer parts it is made up of.

Personally I've learned I have to be more patient with myself. I'm patient with a lot of other things in life, but I've grown to be impatient when it comes to me. Especially in the aspects of love. Which in means I'm going to try my best to take things back to zero and actually appreciate the little finer things that come with falling in love / finding love. I'm going to be honest to say that this time around I really feel like everything is so foreign in the sense that when it comes to dating again I feel like a newbie. I start to find myself asking and trying to remember now. Is it appropriate to kiss on the first date? to hold their hand, to snuggle up to them? What? ... Now as a full grown adult going back into the dating scene with a new heart and outlook on life. I've returned back to a girl that's basically never done this before ( even though I have ... dated ... what I mean is to returning and starting from scratch ) The last relationship I was in, it felt like we just clicked and there wasn't very much of this ... discovering one another as in going out and having fun and enjoying one another and each others company. We simply fell into being with one another. It was very fast paced and it left us a little jaded. This time I want to savor the moments, the discovery of why I'm falling if I'm falling in love. What it is about them that makes me taken. Cause then it won't be something that just passes in a moment. This time I'm loving purely. Which means *smiles* a lot of these days my days have been in the NOW. I'm more focused on the now then the THEN. My brain won't even allow me to spend too much time now thinking and dwelling. Moments of the past flash like queue cards in my mind and that's it. It's over in a snap of a finger. Emotions are not attached and if they are they are felt for a second. My heart wants to move on now, it tells me I need to because I deserve it. I am fully ready because I've learned that there is no reason to remember the hurt of it all, only the love. What has happened has happened and you can't go back and hope it happened any other way because you'd spend too much dwelling and than living. If I love purely, I will love with a new heart, it will allow me to focused on whom I'm loving at that moment in time, not who I used to or could have. A good control of my emotions and memories and mental well being are the only things I really need to build myself as a strong human being. It's all you can have, rely and hope for when everything else gets stripped away.

Personally you have to learn to ask yourself.
What can you live without? What can you let go of? What is the most important to you?

My answer would be me. I can let go of everything else but me. I should be the most important thing in my life. Because when I am able to see things clearly, honestly, openly and lovingly. My life will improve and I can then improve the lives of so many more around me.

I think that's what I saw in my date the other night when we were at the hospital. There was this one moment in time when he turned to suggest to me it may be better for me to wait out in the waiting area as he went to go look for his friend. When he turned me before we went our separate ways our eyes caught and at that moment I was taken -  ( now - now, I didn't fall in love ) there was a moment as though time froze for me. My brain thought - wow, this guy seem so handsome to me right now- I believe what I saw in that instance was his sincerity. A quality that so many of us don't hold true to anymore.

*smiles* I don't think I'll share this revelation I have of him with him. *shy* then again his friend knows about this blog and if he so chooses so - Jason - to tell him. I have no objections. It's what I believe and feel - and to be honest, I really am secure enough to be alright with it, if he found out.

I was feeling pretty down this morning and it was him that actually made my day turn around. Well after work I missed the bus and went on my "white heels" search again. I however didn't find them but I did get work clothes and some casual shirts. One blazer top for work and sweatshirt style top. I have to share with you all my t-shirts because one of them I'm thinking of using for my FREE HUGS video that I want to shoot eventually. One was just too super cute not to get! Oh yeah and I completed a crossword today for the first time ever. But I kind of cheated cause I asked what something meant and googled info on two things. One day... one day I will be able to complete it on my own.

I think I will explore some lunch places as my last date suggested I should do as I work downtown.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Yesterday I had a bit of a stomach ache, I don't know if it was from the food. But I don't think so, I had felt a bit of discomfort in the morning.

This morning I'm woken up by a little someone. I smiled at the thought he did send me a message to comply, but it was so early. I replied back to him snuggling up to my pillows as I do so. I wished him a great day at work and that was that. Work was hectic with the boss leaving in the middle of the day because he felt sick. It was alright... I've held up the fort many times before. Today. I was feeling fine till after work on the way home. I'm going to admit that I wasn't wearing much but I was heating up. I was perfectly fine with out my jacket. I was basically in a light top that was a tank top style that was breezy. But then I was feeling like ... was there something wrong with me? The person next to me was wearing so many more layers, another girl is wearing a turtleneck? what the hell! I felt like I was having a fever hit. I used to be one of those people who got sick very easily from a simple breeze to my stomach. I'm now over heating and I don't get sick from the wind anymore.
I walk around the mall looking for white heels, I took a look a lingerie. ( here's the weird thing about me... am attracted to getting lingerie when I'm the most single points of my life. Is that weird.. I don't have anyone else to be sexy for but me. ) Dresses. I didn't buy anything. Just left to catch the bus. I wasn't home very long till I left with my dad expressing some words of upset emotions as I left before dinner. I head down and meet John and we go for a light dinner before my game. I've never eaten back to back from dinner to game time. I felt a little out of order to be honest. I should have at when I was home before I left for the game.  But I played my heart out today, skated my butt off. Got hit by my own team mate without him ever knowing it. Now I think my should blade is bruised. Just feels annoying pain to move my left shoulder and a little painful when touched. The adrenaline in my blood wore off at the bbt place John too me to to rejuvenate after the game.  One where the now famous Peter Chao filmed one of his vids when he first started. Well it's bed time... will post pics tomorrow... and hope to film a sketch of the next painting I would like to do.

I'm unsatisfied because.... I really wanted to score today... there were so many chances. But there's next time... there are always second chances :) you just have to open your heart up to see the possibilities.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Nerve

I'm trying my best of the best to be happy now, not to let people like... my father get to me.
He knocks on my door today in the late afternoon and asks me if I've read the email that was received from my aunt. I said of course I have. He then goes off and hands me the printed out email that is comprised of two sheets of paper stapled together. He tells me that he can't believe how bad the English is in this email and gives it to me to edit. He tells me that he wants to see how awful "my English" is and at what standards it is currently at. In my heart this feels like a direct slap in the face. It really does. This show me that my father thinks I'm stupid. no no, let me rephrase that, believes I'm not good enough.

I've never been good enough for him to be honest. I've never felt like I was ever good enough, smart enough, talented enough, skinny enough and worthy enough for anything to him. I truly believe that he should just love me for me and accept me for me. Smart / dumb, skinny / fat, talented / untalented. He should love me and accept me because I'm his daughter. But we all know the world and the lives we live are not all perfect.

Monday, May 24, 2010

A Soul-full Afternoon

Chris my God brother messages me this morning to ask if I wanted to go try some soul food. I said sure why not since I hadn't seen him a little over a week or so. He takes me to a place called Boonies in Langley. We enjoyed the food. It was so good. mmMmmMm. The last picture is of Pecan Pie, I was attempting to cut it when the chef was there and turned and scooped the pie out of the pan onto the dish creating a delicious mess. It was my first time as well enjoying soul food. I tell Chris of my change within these last weeks. A lot of my sadness is gone. My mind has not faltered to dwell so much and so deep into the past, my heart has moved on and really is so much lighter, so much aware and back to being innocent and sensitive to all things. He goes and tells me that someone had broken into his car this morning and he doesn't even know how they did it, but that he's happy that we were there and about to enjoy our time together. I for one does believe the universe works in mysterious ways, because since Chris felt this down fall this morning. I saw that though he is upset about it, he's learned not to get him down. I see the growth that's there. And out of no where a I watch a pretty good looking man walks in with his two beautiful children. He looks just like any other man with his kids this morning. I look down to his sweat pants and notice the bc lions logo. I say nothing and turn to my god brother and I notice his eyes start to twinkle. Then my mind goes... OH NO... he's a celebrity isn't he. X_X . Me ... I one, don't follow sports very closely to know who the players are, and two, not one of those people that go GAGA over celebrities. Unless.. they are..... like Monkey Majik or Utada Hikaru. Chris turns into a child and it was quite amusing to watch... a little embarrassing that a 26 year old is reduced to excitement but cute. I didn't take a picture with the man because well I didn't know or follow him too much. But I got one of him and Chris cause I even egged Chris to go to his car and get his football after he had mentioned it was in his car. One in a lifetime chance to be so up close and personal. He looked like was living a moment that only happens in dreams. I was so happy for him. Here's a pic I helped Chris take of him and Mr. Geroy Simon of the BC Lions.

Making It Personal

My commitment as I read: Love As A Way Of Life.

"I commit myself to reading and discovering the seven characteristics of love discussed in this book. I will seek to cultivate my heart with love of others. I want to love others as I in turn deserved to be loved."

_ SzeYun Lo, May 24, 2010.

Abs Diet Calculations Two

Weight115 lb114 lb
Hip To Waist Ratio 0.9140.90
Body fat percentage26.66%26.42%

Hip To Waist Ratio Measurement:
Hip: 31"
Waist: 34.5"
31 / 34.5 = 0.898

Dear Life:

this is what you've taught me... :) and this is how I should aspire to be happy.
Through the words of Jason Mraz.


Why Letting Go Is Needed

I've learned something from past relationships. And that is to love harder.
I've had my share of failed relationships. Guys who have cheated on me, tried to force themselves on me, dumped me. Disappointed me. I've learned to let this go. I few months a go I may not have ... but I have now. New relationships I step into... I should not bring this presumption of failure along with it. All guys are different. Though I am trying to solve my equation of great love. Not all love experiences come out with the same outcome. Because the elements in the equation are different. Your formula for love in your past failed relationship could have been. A+B=C . But if you fall into a new relationship, do not believe that A+D=C. Because when you assume that the outcome will be the same as the last failed relationship, you naturally unknowingly place up a wall. The relationship has already failed before the ending has reached it's final destination point. It failed because you had foreseen it and ultimately set it up for failure. A+D can not = C because A+B=C. D is not B. They are not the same letters, they don't hold the same meaning, they don't hold the same value. Let go of the presumption that your formula will equal to C because your formula changed when D replaced B. The conclusion to your formula is different because the elements that make up the equation is different.

Yes I'm using letters to represent people.
A = You . B = significant other 1. C = first failed relationship.
D = new significant other.

Here is what I realized I must do to have the ability to step into any relationship.
That is to forget the formula. Walk in like you've never loved someone, never had your heart broken, never had someone love you. It is only then I will appreciate them fully, feel tremendously loved by them. And if you love like you've never had your heart broken, there will be no doubt and baggage from the past.

I know it is a hard thing to do. To let go of hurt is hard. The heart remembers, but the heart also forgives. If you are receptive enough, if your heart is loving with eyes wide open and ears unplugged. It will naturally notice one love from a girl / boy is different from another girl / boy. It is wrong to presume the love outcome will be the same because love from one being will never be the same from another because we are all different. Thus leading the relationship to be different. Situations that arise may be the same but the outcome of theses will ultimately be different.

I've now learned not to be afraid to love. Because ... if I do and I let past experiences scare me. It may cloud my vision and unravel a relationship that had potential. I may never realize that the person that stood in front of my eyes who was wanting to love me was actually the love of my life.

I've felt the heat of what past X-girlfriends and the scars they have left upon men. Especially when I come into dating one. I want to say this to them.

I am not her. See OUR outcome differently because I am different. I will love you differently and hopefully...Much greater than she did.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

I ♥ Lamp

There was a number of things that happened today that made me kind of upset.
My mother this morning ( she's a bit childish minded ) but she wanted to go visit my sister and the baby. My brother and father scold her about how she schedules herself and what not. I feel bad for my mom. I want to help her and I hear this argument through the door. But what really upset me today was that my sister had said it was quite alright if she went between the early afternoon before four. I witness my dad sit by the front window reading his book then when the time came, my father then talks her out of considering to go when my mom started to get ready. My dad continued to read his book most of the early afternoon. I was upset because during that time he could have taken the time to take my mom to see my sister and the baby. I become a little disappointed in my dad today. I should have said something, but to my dad it would have been disrespectful. But it was inconsiderate what he did.

I cleaned parts of my room, re-aligned my coffee table. Most importantly I decided to discover what was wrong with this lamp I have. It stopped working for more than a year ago. I keep it because it was given to me by my art teacher who had passed away in '99. Turns out it was a simple fix of switching out the fuse at the bottom of the lamp. Now it works again and I'm so happy that it does. I ♥ Lamp.

Time of Reflection

This morning I finished reading: The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. The Book I had read before this was Angels & Demons, and the one before that was The 5 Languages of Love for Couples. The only one I had a long reflection on was the 5 Languages of Love. I however did not post what I had to say about the book on here, but on my facebook because it gave me the opportunity to note the ones that had ever affected me in my perception of 'love'. This book however is more on the basis of the way of life, the way one should live and live for. I had a strange experience ten years ago. I even blogged about a journal entry and re-wrote it on this blog. My realization. * click here to read the entry * But the greatest change came within these last 8-9 months. Ever since this blog was revived with an ever unknowing purpose. It is when I blog when I reflect on the days...right and wrongs and on myself. I've been trying to re-discover and improve myself in every aspect of life. Following and pursuing my dreams again to establish myself as an artist as I continue on with graphic design. Trying to blend the two together in some kind of personal artistic balance. I wrote a list of goals and are always reviewing them and thinking what I can do to achieve them. Slowly planing my way there. When this blog started I was in a state of controlled fear. My health was not in the best of terms because I had been showing signs of a certain cancer. Instead of going to the doctors right away, I faced this myself to breakdown the situation of what was happening to prove it wrong that it may be other elements affecting me. My brain went into DO - or - Die mode. I saw things differently, pursued things differently. Yearned for love more as I was falling out of love...*one of the longest relationships of my life was coming to an end* I say one because I know that my future husband will ultimately become my longest relationship. During all of this I dared to start youtubing I chanced it because if I didn't, what else could I do? how else would my loved ones ever see, hear, or have any kind of connection with me when I am gone. It was a chance to show the world my art. I began to realize the importance of time. How so many foolishly believe we have so much of it. When we should savor every moment we have. The last few weeks before starting the book, I was in the state of forgiveness. After coming out of the last relationship I was in a couple months ago. Though it was short our time together taught me something that has changed my life. I realized I still had so much hurt with me in my heart from past relationships. I had to forgive them and in the process of doing so my heart did something strange ... it began to start to thank them. Because who I am and how I love today is truly because of them. Every tear, heartbreak, lie, broken words, disappointment, regret, every emotion, every thought...I became thankful for because they shaped me into the beautiful person I am today. I should not hate any of them for what they have done because it's the past. Everything that has happened for a reason and everyday since my life has been a blessing. Every day as been a day of growth, of re-discovering the love I have for myself. I realized how powerful we are as human beings, above animals, plants, and towards one another. How we have emotions, thoughts, goals and dreams. It wasn't until recently I felt as thought I woke up again and was happy. When this happened it was also when the weather changed. The skies became sunny and clear and even in the rain, I was happy. I have always pursued things with my heart and mind. After finishing the book, and as I was reading it I was constantly in awe and shock and disbelief because how I have always thought life should be lived is clearly written in a book before me through the words of another man. I laughed out loud at the fact that I now realize why my friend had been pushing me to read this book. ( perhaps even over a year of pushing ) . How he would constantly say that I keep reminding him of this book. Through how I talk, how I exude my positive thoughts and dreams and perception of the world or how I wish the world would be. I have never ever read this book ... now having had read it, I come to realize I had been, believing, following and practicing steps to enlightenment without ever knowing it. But it is from here on out that I feel like I now know what it is I truly need to do to be happy. I know what it is I had forgotten on my path to a fulfilling and happy life. I had lost vision of what it is I truly wanted out of it because I was in the constant state of worry and sadness, my mind was filled with thoughts of others more than myself. I had lost the vision because I had lost faith in me and in love and understanding. When I should never lose faith in me and my abilities especially the one to love. It is the love of life that I am still here. That I changed my ways and am traveling back on the right path, even if it is one I create on my own.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

A Little Piece Of Me

I filmed this the other night. Edited together. And thought long and hard about if I should put this video out at all. I don't want to give people the wrong impression. But then I think about the things that many of us do each day or things we don't do each day. How many people do reflect back on their actions? How many live and do things for a reason? I have my reasons and here's just one story of why I do what I do ... and that is play roller hockey. I can come across many people in my life. But my biggest question I fear to ask is... will you ever meet another like me again? ... I don't ask because I know...everyone is different. Everyone is to each their own. I am unique because every one is unique. Not one person is exactly the same as another, not even twins.

This story of Mia, I've told a handful of times but now it's on video... it will be watched by hundreds...maybe thousands one day...maybe tens of thousands someday. But my word will continue on and be stronger for that more and more people know.

I am who I am... and like my date that said the other night. "It shouldn't matter what others say about you, just keep on being you."

I am... and I will.
This is a little piece of me.

Dinner, Movie and The Hospital

I'm happy as I continue to read, The monk who sold his Ferrari. The series of events in my life that has happened and are happening, and the choices I've made on how to deal with them ( always with my mind and heart ) seem now only right to have and continue to follow it.

This morning on my way to work, the strangest morning sprinkles happened as the were clouds clearing above me showing an almost clear blue sky. It was a beautiful blue - sprinkling morning sky. My logic can only come up with the fact that the clouds may have been heated up and are dispersing by the sun's rays causing it's moisture to sprinkle down. Then my heart makes up a story that this is God wishing me well this morning. Did you know in some cultures, rain is a symbol of good luck?

Work Was Work. However it was, stressful trying to plug-in content for a new site we are working on. And fixing up a migration of another while learning what it is I have to do.

I actually had a date tonight. At first I was okay with the idea. Then nervousness comes into play after a while just a few hours before my date. He picks me up from the front of my building at work. I cross the street to meet him and we greet one another with a hug. We ate dinner at Earls downtown and we sat and chatted about random things. Travels, life, plans. We went to go watch Iron Man 2 at the theaters. ( Good Movie ) .. before the movie started .. I noticed something in the theater that people seem to like to space themselves a person away from strangers next to them. I have to admit that I am one of these people. But this gesture to make ourselves comfortable, brings a certain misfortune to those who come as a couple to the theater. As seating becomes less and less available, the only ones that are - are singles. So this couple that has come to enjoy a movie together may end up having to separate if they ever found the seating to be scarce. A girl and her boyfriend come and find seats that are separated at the opposite sides of me and my date. Since noticing this seating misfortune that happens often in the theaters, I asked if she wanted to sit with her friend to enjoy the movie... I said that I would gladly swap seats with him. This thus allows me to still be next to my date and her next to hers. This one gesture brings nothing but a logical and positive outcome to me and I was happy to give up my seat. My date leans in towards me after I move, to say that it was very considerate of me. I smile back to him as a response but the truth is - It simply made sense and in my heart it was the right thing to do. At the end of the movie he calls his missed calls. As we're leaving he informs me his friend is in the hospital and thinks he may have broken his arm. He advises me as we're leaving that he'll drop me off at home and go see his friend. His car ( a modified racer ) does a little thing for me. Good vibrations... ( I joked about this ) but what I really mean is that, she actually soothes me a bit, maybe I enjoy the purr she gives off, or the sounds she gives off as she changes gears, or the small vibrations she gives that seems to ease the back pain I'm currently having due to my 'time of the month'. But I cringe when she scrapes her bottom. On the highway my date confesses he's really worried about his friend. Me being me - thought, 'I would be too if it was my friend.' I suggest to him, that it was alright if we go and see his friend before having to drop me off, just to make sure his friend is alright. He looks at me and asks to make sure I was quite alright with this decision. I was - it was on the way home and because my heart tells me... it's the right thing to do. We walk into the emergency room and I follow him. He knows his way around because.. well... he works there. He suggests it maybe a better for me to wait out front as he goes on for his search. I smile back and agree. I walk out front and sit by the entrance double doors. My friend texts me and I chat with him for a bit. I text my date to ask if his friend was alright and if he had found him. A few minutes later he shows up with two of his friends behind him ( one had came to the aid of hurt one ). The first thing I noticed is that his friend didn't have a cast ( which is a good sign ) and I asked if he was alright. Turns out he just bruised it really badly. We head out the doors and go our separate ways. My date was a perfect gentleman in the sense that he held the door for me as I got into his car, or where ever it is we went. He did so as we got to his car at the hospital parking lot. His friends waited a while to see us off, wanting to see my date peel out as we exit the parking lot, I flashed a smile and waved goodbye to them as we drove off. Due to special reasons, I had to re-direct my date a different route to drop me home, cause his car was too low to go the regular way. For the good of her, I was glad to :) He stops in front my house and I asked if I got to get a goodbye hug. You see this is one now ( on dates ) I would ask of the date to give a hug out side of the car. Because there ... it's more real. He gives me a great hug, but not only that... I smile as I am at my front door because ... at the corner of my eye I see him wait for me to enter the house before driving off.

I was a little unsure of going on this date to be honest. I thought in my heart I wasn't over the last guy I was seeing. I had still missed him and thought about him. But deep in my heart and mind... I know I can't simply wait on someone that gives me no reason to. There is no reason to want to be with someone, who doesn't seem like they want to be with you. I am wise enough to admit that I don't believe I'm ready to fully commit to a relationship. But I'm also smart enough to say that it takes time to build one, especially one that lasts. I'm not a young female ... if I want to be build a relationship that is meaningful, it takes time... it may take a long time to build it to the point where I may be ready to commit fully to something more. The kind of love I have yet to know and experience. I am open to the possibilities of love because I have not lost faith in it. I've forgiven so many now including myself, but truly, there is nothing to be sorry of - or afraid of because love is one of life's greatest lessons. One I will always continue to learn upon and grow.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Stupid Storm!

Yeah I blame a storm for knocking down the cable and leaving me no internet to blog with. That's right.

Alright... Sunday was the last day of driving school. There was a reason why it is important to wear your seat belt. So people can find your body after an accident...that's right.

Yesterday: I was caught in the rain...when I left the house it wasn't raining! but when I left. ~_~ I went to go buy myself flowers. reason: sometimes it takes you to make yourself feel special. Yes... I don't think I can remember the last time a man bought me flowers... it was probably with Trev. On my birthday or something like 2 years ago. I go to visit Nicki and we watch a movie together. Cop out and he drops me off at home before attending to his friends in Richmond.

Today: Work was work. I'm currently reading this book called. The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. For more than a year my friend has been trying to get me to read this book. We constantly talk positively and he had always said that what we end up talking about and my beliefs and way of thinking kept reminding him of this book. He was right. It embodies so much of me and how and what I believe, it blows my mind. Could the ripples of me trying to find myself and purpose started more than ten years ago...have I always been seeking some sort of enlightenment without ever knowing it? Could have all the things I decided to this day all based on what I felt to be right for my happiness was leading me on the right path all along? I'm only half way through this book and I feel like there are so many quotes I want to share.  Maybe my beliefs of what life is all about was etched and impacted by the monk I had met so many years ago as well and the book he had given me. With a chant.  How I remember these words for the mantra he taught me, baffles me. I don't even remember what it means. But I think it's supposed to calm my center.

I'm at a pivotal point of my life where I have a good career going. I'm talented in that spectrum. I work practically full time. My boss is a great guy with a foundation I actually believe in. Who has thus provided me health benefits in showing his appreciation for me. Me doing Youtube was on the basis of building a foundation as an artist and if you haven't noticed - spreading words of positivity. I just can't help it... that's just me. Art.. well that comes naturally when opportunities arise. Just as long as I'm pursuing my dreams to be a known artist, creating works of art that I believe in. I'm now striving for better health in what I eat and how I exercise. Looking to trim down my tummy. I am constantly striving for my goals, living for a purpose that is beyond me.  I have no reason not to be happy.

If I condition myself, mind, body and soul. I have more opportunities to spread this kindness that so many can see that pours from my soul. To leave more than art behind when I'm gone...more than money, more than objects. If I'm left only being a memory in people, may it be one that changes people for the better... with a smile...feeling hope... and even better... LOVED.

My nana is sick... I'm pondering if I should save up to return back to Malaysia & Brunei for a visit. Perhaps visit Singapore, Hong Kong, Miri, Kuching and Kuala Lumpur in the process.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Sad Mornings & Rejection

I had another one this morning as I had a dream with Darren in it. I woke up just heavy heart-ted and spent most of the day... shaking it off. That weird feeling that just covers your skin. I chat with my friend who seems to have the ability to make me laugh so hard and me... trying not to laugh out loud at work. Especially as we spoke about nicknames and shortcut names we have for certain things that were all made up during high school or shortly after it. For some strange reason he keeps telling me when he gets morning wood. Then I thought about it... I had a sad morning, people say good morning. So if he gets morning wood, should he say 'wood morning' instead? hahahaha sorry... it was so funny to think that up this morning when I was chatting with him.

I'm going to try to start to devote myself to the Abs diet. Eating right ( to be honest I feel the effects already.. I was full a lot of the day today. I need to go and buy ingredients for most of the recipes. I'm glad that they are small servings in the book. 1-4 people servings. So ingredients buying won't be that hard.

I've been working on this rejection video for a while, trying to figure out split screen and green screen and the difficulties of it all.

these things have not happened to me, or at least I think! but it's just what I thought about when it comes to rejection. This video is not to make fun of anyone that these events have happened to. Just random re-enactments of thoughts. Damn I really need a guy to be in my videos... Split screening is hard!

Monday, May 17, 2010


My father believes that creativity can blossom in a dark chambered room with a small window that lies 5 and a half feet underneath the earth. That only works for a selective few in this world. The incredibly paranoid mad geniuses of the late 1500-1700's. I am neither incredibly paranoid, mad, or live in the 1500-1700's. Genius... only time can tell.

I need to go to Micheal's / De Serres Arts soon and do something risky. Spend several hundred dollars on large pieces of canvases. If I do so, this guarantees that I will paint right when I feel like doing so. I just set it up and paint. The environment I am in at home reminds me constantly why I'm now saving 1 grand a month. As those may believe I have a lot of "room" to paint at home. The art tables that are supposed to be my art tables are constantly filled up with OTHER people's items as they just simply find space to put something on. It's just a disregard of respect for me in this family. It's really all I take it as. I would no go and place my jackets and hang them from my brothers weight set, I would not go and place books upon my mothers sewing table. I would not go and toss news papers in my fathers car. What is mine is theirs and what is theirs is theirs. Freaking depressing... and it's only a matter of time I get out.

Something interesting happened to me today. It was rather strange but still. It's time to go home. I'm waiting at the elevators and I stand there in wait with a white guy waiting for the elevator as well. I say out loud... "yay... it's time to go home!" then he replies... and a conversation ensues. We chat about how he has friends coming in from Toronto... and etc... As we step out of the building and carry on our way down the block.. he asks for my name... I give it cause I'm polite, his name is Gary. I blog it so it helps me remember. Then he goes and says, he's noticed me... lots and lots of times. *Thinking* wow.. that's something weird to say to someone ... OMG... I don't ever remember seeing this guy till today! *end of thought* I ask which company he works for and turns out his office is just right next door. Strangers are only friends you haven't met yet... right? We part and say our good byes at the end of the block. Then my look down to wonder why I have no more music coming from my headphones? Why isn't the light on my phone coming on? Why is my screen blank? Why is my phone not coming back on when I hold down the power button? What is going on? I walk down and set my things down at Jugo Juice. Shawn ( aka. good looking Jugo Juice Guy ) smiles and waves at me. I am in sheer panic... OMG what's wrong with my phone - mode. Just as I tell him there's something wrong with my phone... I look down to see that it's turned back on. The magic of Jugo Juice Guy. You amaze me.

I'm starting to feel discouraged on wanting to date ... or even start. Why? Because I feel like I've just settled most of the time. There is no chase anymore ... There's no excitement and fun. Frankie made it fun, that's why it's memorable to me what he did. How he did it was because he's not even in the same city. I can only imagine if he was. Wow. I would feel so much more .. special. See right there. That's the thing... Special...I no longer feel special...special enough to be wooed...special enough to get flowers...special enough for anything...I have yet to feel truly special through a significant other for a long long time. *sigh* The only time I feel this now is when a man waits for me to first enter the elevator, or even to get on the bus. Gary did this today... it was nice. An old man did it the other day at the bus stop. See, if these small little gestures are very appreciated, I would be a sucker for the one who tries to woo me. But they still have to meet my list of requirements to even be considered *I know it's strange to have a list* but it draws where the line is, it reminds me not to falter and just settle of any Joe schmo. Everyone has to have standards.

Ladies today just don't feel all that special anymore. Sometimes they result to erratic behavior to feel special ( aka. girls who seem desperate to men ). Sometimes men can't tell the difference when a girl who is simply looking for physical affection, or an actual relationship. Sometimes these ladies come off head strong and the lines get blurred.

Blurred lines... I hate blurred lines.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Abs Diet Calculations One

BMI Measurement: 21.73
Weight: 115(lb) x 703 = 80845
Height: 61(inches)2 = 3721
80845 / 3721 = 21.73

Waist to Hip Ratio: 0.914
waist: 32" Hip: 35"
32 / 35 = 0.914

Target: > 0.80

Weight115 lb
Hip To Waist Ratio 0.914
Body fat percentage26.66%

Baseline Weight: 5'1 = 105 *bone structure _ medium . 0

More accurate Body Fat Percentage:
1.20 x 21.73 (BMI) = 26.08
0.23 x 26 (age ) = 5.98
26.08 + 5.98 = 32.06
32.06 - 5.4 = 26.66%
Percent Over Goal: 18 - 21%

My Weight From Fat : 115 x 27% = 31.05 lbs
Weight I should seek to lose: 31 x 21% = 6.51 lbs

Saturday, May 15, 2010

It's Saturday?

OMG it's Saturday and I missed a day of blogging ... where have my days gone to?
I'm tired so I'm going to make this a short summary.

Yesterday after work I made my way from work to see my little baby nephew. Only to find out when I show up he's not there and watched a movie with my sister as I await his return. Yesterday seems as though was my "break day." eating foods I shouldn't have. I watched Sherlock Holmes. It was actually very good. Filmed very well. I get home and I have to work. We has a bit of a deadline and I end up working like 2 hours trying to figure out what was wrong with some migrations of a site.

This morning I basked and gave thanks for wearing a dress :) a new dress. Although it did make me feel like one of those waitresses / hostess at some restaurant like "The Keg". Driving school. Very educational, although making me a bit apprehensive about being horn happy by the end of it all. I take a break and have lunch in the sushi restaurant on the ground floor of our building. As I sat there, now used to eating alone in restaurants, I felt a sense of...I'm alright on my own.

But then you know when you are on your own, you always get that sense of ... I feel lonely to accompany it. After class I head downtown to meet up with someone at a bar and lounge to check out the venue for placing some artwork up. Me being me, has lots of ideas with a place that screams potential. Currently looking up all the images to send over that are all ready asap. After work I meet up with Nicki, he'd just spent the morning - afternoon attending a funeral. I could only do my best as a friend to keep him company and chill with him. We ended up watching a movie called The Legion. I wish the story was stronger, it was kind of creepy though.

I'm a bit tired. From running around all day time to see if I can go get a movie and read up some more...currently composing an archive of available artwork to show.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Risk Of Heart & Body

I've been debating for a while a bad deed. I'm going to confess, I'm not little angel that is all perfect and sweet. Me and my friend have been conversing about "bump buddies" ( not being the others, just a topic of conversation...having one, not having one ). I used to be alright with this decision to those who have "bump buddies" because to me sex is just sex. Now my emotions are caught and the thoughts of right and wrong and conscience is moving in. Damn you conscience! Personally I have never had a "bump buddy" but as a single female I wonder all the time should I have one? Someone who doesn't fit the description of my perfect guy and simply use them for sexual pleasure. My sandwich man ( seriously this guy makes me sandwiches ) once said, "Sex is always better with passion." Passion can't exist without Love. So in this instance and train of thought. I personally advise against having sex with no love. My other friend on the other hand said, sometimes the best sex is one that comes with no attachments. What happens if this series of events were to unfold? Can there be unattached intimacy? Don't those two things contradict one another? I said to my friend. On my behalf I strain against it because what happens if I am weaker in my word and seek more than that can ever provide me. The strings become tangled and there leaves nothing but regret.

I know when the next relationship comes along. My heart should be strong enough to tame the body. Desires, wants. Pleasure sometimes comes with a price. Sometimes it's guilt. I'm not one to ever want to live with regret. I've risked the body, to fulfill the desires of the heart. I've risked the heart to fulfill the desires of the body. No regrets luckily have been the outcome because I always outweigh the situations. Now I hold my body in high regards and my heart even higher. Sometimes the heart knows more, it's time I trust in it again. To trust in love.

Chris my God Brother asked.
Ladies: Do you feel that insecure if you are single?

My Reply: I don't believe it's insecurity that you maybe believe that us fellow single ladies are having. It's the void of the love we are just feeling at the moment. Don't mix Insecure with Void of Love. If it is insecurity then yes we may because it does build our self esteem when we are with a man and when we hear from a man... I love you, I care for you...when he wraps his arms around us...when he looks into our eyes and makes us believe there's no one else that makes him feel more like a man. If that doesn't boost our self confidence, makes us feel more safe, protected, loved... what does? I don't know if standing alone with no one at your side can measures up to that equal. But as a single female...I can only do my best for now to be confident, strong and guarded because I have yet to find someone who does measures up.

I love how the sun has been out for more than 2 days now. My emotions have been better and my health as well which I'm happy for.

My friend's revelation upon me really have lifted my train of thought and spirit. It really isn't worth the time to dwell so much of sad events and question why.

I am me. Beautiful, Talented, Sexy and Smart and Capable... I'm doing what I need to do become a better person, growing really fast in experiences and the steps I've chosen to take. This weekend will be my last in-class session of driving school, I'm not nervous about in car sessions. My mind is still set on the saving a grand a month, how I'm going to get that car, when am I going to have enough to move out, what are the steps I'm going need to take to get my health back on track. What am I going to do to expand my network and meet new people. What artworks am I going to create next for the world to see. What steps do I need to take that I haven't already to keep building myself to the point where I'm more self-sustaining than ever.

My room's a mess. ~_~ I guess I'll clean when I come back from my run.
The other day my father gives me a third degree on why I don't share everything with him as in where I am or where I'm going. I don't believe I need to share every last detail of my life with my parents because of the constant nag and repercussions of their judgment. Everything I do is stupid and wrong to them. What I eat, how I dress, how I live and how I am. I don't necessarily need to have a continuous feed of negativity in my life from people who should accept me and love me unconditionally. I asked my mother, "I is necessary for me to give you a constant update on where I am all the time?" ... My other being the open soul of the two parents said, "No, you have freedom, I just don't know why your father grasps on to you so tightly."

One can't breathe if they are suffocated by another.
Time to get out and breathe.

Stepping Forward

Monday was a long day, after blogging I headed out to Burnaby for my roller hockey game. The rink was a slippery one to skate and our team fought a losing battle. Late games are tiring. After the game my friends were determined to get me fed. I didn't want to at first cause I didn't bring my pills with me and I was already tired from the game. We ate and god brother Chris dropped me home. I had three hours of sleep that night.

The next day... I went to work, returned home to watch the Canucks final playoff game. and passed out.

This morning I still felt tired. I think I'm starting to be okay by myself. I'm naturally embracing the fact that it's okay to be single. I think it's the natural flirt in me how I just start chatting away with people. I thought to myself... it's funny how my guy friends start to message me again when they find out that I'm single again. It can be one of two things. To console me, or to hit on me. I hope it's consoling, cause I really would like to spend a couple more months just enjoying me. Yes a couple more months, because I'm not young, guys for one can afford to be young and take their time...Girls, females, we don't. It takes time to develop relationships and one that's even worthy of even more and honestly... I'm still coming off withdraws from the last guy I was seeing. I didn't anticipate liking him more than I thought I did. A part of me feels so stupid for doing so, then I wouldn't keep missing him. I do miss him. His voice, his smile, his hugs. *feeling sad* ... ok ok lets change the subject.

I've been chatting with a friend who is more of an acquaintance I met when I was going out with Trev. He's was largely in his group of friends before they some how more or less separated from one another. I however being me, I miss people sometimes, even though they weren't particularly my friends to being with but I contact them regardless to see how they are doing. This friend I know from past meetings is very humorous and for some reason our chats gets drawn into the topic of sex. Now Now, don't jump to conclusions! We don't talk about sex with each other, we both know that's just wrong and we wouldn't go there. We just talk about the topic of sex. Like... favorite positions, random acts / sessions, habits, random questions. I'm laughing as I blog about this. I find it rather refreshing because he's actually pretty open and says what's on his mind. Unlike a lot of guys out there these days who have the tendency to keep emotions and thoughts to themselves.

I've been fighting a damn cold sore on my lip for a few days now. Been wanting to film but it bugs me.

I wonder how Bob likes his new home. He seems to like swimming between the bamboo. Although I miss the first Bob, who swam around zipping in the fish bowls and the only time you knew he was doing that was when you heard the glass pebbles clack in the fish bow. It was as though he was rearranging them with his swimming ability force :)

Monday, May 10, 2010

Trying Not To Stress

it's after dinner... I'm about to get ready to pack up and go to another roller hockey game this week... two in the span of 3 days... I've never done this...

But I'm feeling sick again. The discomfort in my stomach... just like last night.
My dad yells at me at the dinner table because I refused to accept he soup... I had told my mother three times + .. "no I would not like any soup please", "No I don't want it..." "NO I DONT CARE IF IT"S GOOD I DON"T WANT ANY!" and she still poured me a bowl. My father lectures me for a bit about how communication... because I said we very much lacked it in this family. He says communication... I asked you why you went to the doctors and you didn't tell me what was going on. [ I had told my dad the doctor said it was IBS. ] He doesn't know what that is... and can't seem to wrap his head around it.

How do you tell your parents who while growing up never really took care / looked over your well being... ( Thinking you came up alright ) [ my parents never brought us for general check ups each year * doctor or dentist * ] So most of the time what me and my siblings went through were arms away of neglect... OH don't get me wrong, our parents fed us ( not very healthy food, but they still fed us... dressed us... although I must say... my brother and sister were the ones that dressed me more, considering I got hand me downs from them, because our parents never really took us shopping either. And my parents wondered why I was almost taken way by child services. When I say... my parents didn't really raise me... they didn't, my brother and sister did. More my sister that's why she's so super awesome to me.

Back to communicating with the parents.
*what was really on my mind what I was on the brink of saying*
"Oh Dad, you know the cancer that grandpa died of, and great uncle... well I've been feeling symptoms of that cancer on and off for a couple years now... I wasn't till recently like... 8-9 months ago I looked online all the symptoms because I realized I was feeling sick too often and they were all symptoms of that cancer. That's my big secret dad... the last 8-9 months of my life... I thought I could possibly have cancer... because when I went in for my regular check up I thought that all those tests can detect signs of this cancer in my blood, in my urine and fecal test, but they can't. So since I'm still feeling sick time to time and the pills that the doctor prescribed me don't really make me feel any better. Sometime soon I have to go back and tell the doctor everything, all my symptoms and the fact that this cancer runs in our family, a fact I didn't know when I went in for the check up the first time ( making it higher percentage of getting it regardless of my age ) ... There you have it. I thought I had cancer. Is that enough communication for you? What else do you have to say to me now besides your usual remarks like... what I do is what I do to myself, or that I'm fat, or that I'm of no use, that I don't listen. Does it ever bother you? that you barely spent quality time with me? barely held me? barely conversed with me? barely did things for or with me? Does it bother you that ... you may think you've expressed love to me... when I clearly feel like you've barely ever have. I've learned to pull back on my own, I've learned to watch and be silent and listen. I've learned to Love Myself, I've learned to do things for myself by myself. I've learned not to ask for help. I'm not rebellious in doing so, it's only because you ( mom & dad ) have showed me it's the only way I can survive in this family. The way I am at home, is not how I am in the real world, the real world seems a little warmer to me."
*walk away*

♥ Love, Passion, Happiness

This game alone makes me want to get a ps3 ( again, this time for me ) not only does it look awesome... this audio track to this game trailer is pretty sick it self.

I've been feeling pretty ... inspired now.

Love is the source of many emotions and with that it leads us to do some stupid things, yet in others it has the power to lead us to do greater. Things we never fathomed we could. Love breeds passion, and passion leads happiness. Let passion guide me. Let love be my parent and let happiness be the fruits of my labor.

*I just made that up... pretty good huh*

Sunday, May 09, 2010

What's Going On With Me?

I'm feeling emotionally fine. Happy with myself now... happy about being just with me. But if it's not stress... what is triggering my sick feelings?

I keep forgetting to take the pills... I feel like I have to keep them on me all the time now or something. I ask my dad if there was MSG in the soup, then he goes and tells me that there's always MSG in our soups. That explains a lot *maybe that's why I keep getting sick when I eat at home foods* if they constantly cook with it. I've told them to stop using it already, but my words like always fall on deaf ears. I would love to cook for the family, only if they accepted and ate what I cook and eat. Apparently beggars can be choosers.

Just ate dinner and feeling sick again. I was feeling sick this morning but it went away and now it's back. *I'm trying to breathe myself through... how do you say... as I sit on the verge of tears*

I've been eating really healthy lately but I guess.... Most of the time is not All of the time and that makes the difference. Ok Ok... I'm going to try to cut out all fatty, sugary goodness stuff. Red Meat. I have to step back from eating bread again. And see how that works out.

An acquaintance of mine asked me if I would like to accompany him and his friend on a road trip to Calgary in June for a car show which his car will be in... hhmmm *thinking* I wonder how my schedule will be like in June. First trip to Calgary is also a road trip... that would be cool! :D It would be a fun trip to film and photograph!

I can't wait to finish my book: Angels & Demons. Before I watch the movie :P ... I really want to get started on my new books :)

The Canucks won tonight ... I sat on my bed wearing my jersey hoping some luck would come of it.

I had a roller hockey game last night and my friend John was really nice to give me a ride from the station to the rink and back home. We chatted and he shone some new light on how I was thinking when I was sick ( still sick ) and how I didn't tell a lot of people what I was going through.

All in all in a summary of simple words.
If I don't let the ones that love / care for me know what's going on, how can I ever expect them to be there for me when needed.

My thought about it all is...
How do you tell people that you care for and love; and care for and love you, news that have the ability to sadden their hearts beyond belief? I personally can live with the saddest news possible - if worse comes to worst. But having to burden so many others with my misfortune is what breaks my heart more. It's the sum of all sadness from my individual family and friends that will overwhelm me. In my time and existence here on earth, I believe without a doubt that I rather spread joy and happiness and love. If I must hold something back *especially from the ones I love the most* My way of thinking is... it is for the in sparing them from feeling pain / suffering / sadness...I would [ especially if I'm the cause of it ]. But then reality hits me and I know I can't control the emotions of others. If the worse of the worse happens... ( ie. I was to pass away and I never told anyone I was sick just to spare them the pain and sadness I was going through ) ... who am I to say that not telling them would spare them from feeling the same pain and sadness just as much or even more if I had told them everything. Because if the worse of the worse did happen, then they would have had time to cope with it all if they did know.

I know all this... John was right.
The truth is I had come clean with some of the people that I care for the most in my life, those I loved and those I could trust with my life. I felt they had the right to know what I've really been going through since the beginning of this blog. In my heart it felt wrong not to tell them. They in return... were upset that I felt like I couldn't tell them, they even felt upset with me about the fact that they would want to be there for me. But I went through the ordeal on my own. *smiles* [ When someone tells you that... they WANT to be there for you... feel loved because you are loved. ] I'm grateful to even have that quality of friends in my life.

*deep breathe* *fighting the feeling to vomit* I wonder if my body is relapsing. Or am I having a reaction to something I ate. Should I do all liquids again? to clean my system? UGH.. I think it's time to veg in bed and read my book.
Think of what I should sketch and paint of next.

The thing about artists, though we may seem like we are relaxing, socializing, the best of us are simply looking for more inspiration are minds are always looking for the next creative fix.

Saturday, May 08, 2010

A Tide Of Change

I've been feeling... emotionally better lately. No, I haven't found a new love interest... wait... maybe I'm re-discovering the love for me.

I am sexy, beautiful, talented, capable and most

These should all count for something... I'm a catch...waiting for my fisherman .. hahaha.

I had my first class today. I felt weird as the teacher kept talking about "your parents paying for this class"... there was some guy there who seemed to be in his late 30's early 40's who's mother did pay for his class...and he openly says it. I think to myself... "teacher? can you stop saying or implying our parents paid for this? cause I'm actually going behind my parents back to do this." I don't live in a happy bappy family where my parents would pamper me. They never have... my dad signed my sister up for some driving lessons, I think my brother received some as well...but not for me ( I'm always the one left out ).

After class I head over to metro, to chapters to buy a series of books. Life changing books. I'm not bothered about how much I shelled out for them, cause I know they are all towards a better way of living and thinking from here on out. Changing my life and filling it with more love. Changing my diet, for a better health. Changing my way of thoughts to strive for more success and happiness.

Books Bought:
The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari.
The Secret.
The Abs Diet For Women.
Love As A Way of Life.

I'm feeling more inspired lately... Like I'm ready to paint again soon. When I do... I know it will be beautiful. The question now is... what shall I paint.

I'm feeling so happy.

Oh... Hugh, an acquaintance someone I've actually known for a while now was able to help me get a location to perhaps put on my first art show... :) now I have to check out the venue and talk to the owner to see if the months ahead... are bringing more change. I'm so glad to have such great people in my life... thank you friends...and family who have always been by me.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Pics of Me By Me

Aww Baby

It's been a long day.
Figuring out this and that. after work I went straight to my sisters place to spend time with her and the nephew. I also asked my future brother in-law to go zip lining with me, and he said sure and asked if I wanted to go bungee jumping as well. ( since he seems to be the only person I know that has enough balls to do it with me. ) I was unsure about bungee jumping till I looked to see if it was on my 100 goals list... It was, so I'm in!

there is a list of books that I'm going to try to get my hands on and read them cause...well I want to. I usually get easily distracted but I've been trying really hard lately to focus my brain. Sometimes it is hard to focus on my book, but sometimes I can focus really well.

The Monk who sold his Ferrari. The Abs Diet for Women. The Secret . The Greatness Guide. Five languages of love for singles.

Saturday is another upcoming roller hockey game. My stomach is currently not agreeing with me however so I hope I feel better by tomorrow. I'm trying to eat something and drink liquids to see if it will stop it from feeling like it's cramping. I hope I score again... one per game... that would be awesome! Maybe I'll ask my friend to film it.


Thursday, May 06, 2010

If Anything

We met when we were 12? He was my first love ... ( when I mean this my first bf ) ... our relationship was based on mutual admiration. I know this cause we never kissed or was intimate in that way with one another when we were youngens in love. But after all these years of knowing him. It is our conversation in the car ride home that makes me see him in another light. See... I've always had faith that Nicki was smart, but he barely showed it. But when he was advising me tonight...he was right.

If I feel the slightest bit of anger with Trev still... then I'm not ready. ( I was kinda pissed he would even imply that I still cared about him ). I'm not angry about that at all. It's just it was time wasted on my end, sticking it out in a relationship that was destined to fail. But I'm slowly learning to let that go. I've already forgiven the worse ones in my book. Trevor should be one of the easiest. Maybe it's harder because he was the longest. But the things I've gone through. It should be easy. If I can forgive an ex that did such wrongs to me, such as the ones that cheated on me, or even one that tried to force themselves on me sexually. If I can even forgive those assholes and come to terms and try to be friends with them again. It should be easy to forgive the other wrong doings that men may have bestowed onto me.

Maybe that's why I miss Darren. I'd felt like I'd found someone ( thought at first was still angry ) ... I let go in the process of the past. I was content with him, and thought of only him.

The only way to really get over someone ... is to find someone that matters more.

I always feel so ugly for feeling anger towards someone, or hate, envy, or disappointment. these are feelings I don't need in my life. I kind of feel like they are emotions that poison my soul. I need to be as understanding as possible for me to see clearly all perspectives. I've been blinded for a while. But sometimes I feel a bit bothered when I seek answers, and I get nothing in response.

Now more than ever I really must learn to let go. bit by bit I've been doing this through out the months. I let go of wanting anything with DC, now I've decide to let go of Darren in a sense. Parting my heart emotions for Frankie... that I came to deal with during my Toronto trip and the week when I returned. Trev... I don't know what to feel about him anymore really. I care about everyone I've ever loved to a certain extent, that even I would never want any harm come to them physically or emotionally. But that's just the angel in me talking. That's just me.

The woman in me, is smart enough to see that even without these men. I am still as strong. I felt mighty with them by my side of the thought that could be. But I know... That I'd do just fine without them.

But then I wonder. Was / is it not better to have and receive my love. Than to never have known it at all? I am just right here.

Just recently...I do feel I'm doing more of what I've been wanting to do, buying what I've always wanted to buy, wearing what I like to wear without anyone else telling me otherwise. Freedom in a sense of personal interests. I'm also making more on the effort to grow not only in ... learning how to drive a car, doing things on my own...but I need to see life in a different way. I really do need to strive for what I need to strive for.

The truth is. In my mind. I feel like I have at least 3 years... to accomplish the biggest goals of my life or that's it. It's game over. My list of 100 things are not in priority order. I couldn't tell you what is the least or most important goal I have .. yeah I could.. art show is number one but I would also love to sit here and blog about how great i felt today that I didn't feel the least bit sick... but I can't.

Yeah Nicki, I do think a lot because...Life is that short.
yes, I do think I need to go see the doctor again and tell him this time all of the symptoms. No, I don't feel like I may be doing that in the next week... I'm going to try to stay with my pills till they are all finished up and see if they do really really make me just as sick or they actually do help me. I do feel I need to make a promise to myself to remain ... relationship free for the time being or at least three months ( cause well I, receptive as I am, grow and learn really fast ) three months can go on to being more...but I'm not a man like so many of my friends. I may love hard, and get heart broken...but I learned to take chances with love because those who sometimes don't may let the love of their life pass them by without knowing. without realizing till they are gone. I wonder sometimes if anyone has / will come to feel that I am the love of their life that they let slip them by. Or if someone was simply too afraid to take that chance with me.

Life is short.

I'm just currently afraid to find out... if I have shorter than expected.
If anything, I can deal with the lost of a love relationship verses the lost of my life.

couldn't you? Isn't the love for yourself greater?
In the last seven months I have thought about it all.
What if I DID have IT. How far long is it? how would I tell my family? How would I tell my friends? Do I fight it? Can I fight it? If I can't fight it and it's too late to, Should I tell my family? Should I tell my friends? Would it hurt less if I didn't tell my friends? if I let them go on living their lives cause then... in the end it's like ripping off that band aid. It wouldn't hurt them as much.

I am still here. I have my good days and bad days and good weeks and bad weeks. I've come accustomed to the feeling sick once and a while and take it as it is. I still hope for great love and most of all I hope for a great life.

Nicki, you were right.
There is no sense in thinking about things that make you feel sad, or angry..or what not. Why waste time like that?

Life is short and there are so many things I could be doing.
Like snuggling up and sleeping.

G'morning. G'afternoon. G'night.