Thursday, May 13, 2010

Risk Of Heart & Body

I've been debating for a while a bad deed. I'm going to confess, I'm not little angel that is all perfect and sweet. Me and my friend have been conversing about "bump buddies" ( not being the others, just a topic of conversation...having one, not having one ). I used to be alright with this decision to those who have "bump buddies" because to me sex is just sex. Now my emotions are caught and the thoughts of right and wrong and conscience is moving in. Damn you conscience! Personally I have never had a "bump buddy" but as a single female I wonder all the time should I have one? Someone who doesn't fit the description of my perfect guy and simply use them for sexual pleasure. My sandwich man ( seriously this guy makes me sandwiches ) once said, "Sex is always better with passion." Passion can't exist without Love. So in this instance and train of thought. I personally advise against having sex with no love. My other friend on the other hand said, sometimes the best sex is one that comes with no attachments. What happens if this series of events were to unfold? Can there be unattached intimacy? Don't those two things contradict one another? I said to my friend. On my behalf I strain against it because what happens if I am weaker in my word and seek more than that can ever provide me. The strings become tangled and there leaves nothing but regret.

I know when the next relationship comes along. My heart should be strong enough to tame the body. Desires, wants. Pleasure sometimes comes with a price. Sometimes it's guilt. I'm not one to ever want to live with regret. I've risked the body, to fulfill the desires of the heart. I've risked the heart to fulfill the desires of the body. No regrets luckily have been the outcome because I always outweigh the situations. Now I hold my body in high regards and my heart even higher. Sometimes the heart knows more, it's time I trust in it again. To trust in love.

Chris my God Brother asked.
Ladies: Do you feel that insecure if you are single?

My Reply: I don't believe it's insecurity that you maybe believe that us fellow single ladies are having. It's the void of the love we are just feeling at the moment. Don't mix Insecure with Void of Love. If it is insecurity then yes we may because it does build our self esteem when we are with a man and when we hear from a man... I love you, I care for you...when he wraps his arms around us...when he looks into our eyes and makes us believe there's no one else that makes him feel more like a man. If that doesn't boost our self confidence, makes us feel more safe, protected, loved... what does? I don't know if standing alone with no one at your side can measures up to that equal. But as a single female...I can only do my best for now to be confident, strong and guarded because I have yet to find someone who does measures up.

I love how the sun has been out for more than 2 days now. My emotions have been better and my health as well which I'm happy for.

My friend's revelation upon me really have lifted my train of thought and spirit. It really isn't worth the time to dwell so much of sad events and question why.

I am me. Beautiful, Talented, Sexy and Smart and Capable... I'm doing what I need to do become a better person, growing really fast in experiences and the steps I've chosen to take. This weekend will be my last in-class session of driving school, I'm not nervous about in car sessions. My mind is still set on the saving a grand a month, how I'm going to get that car, when am I going to have enough to move out, what are the steps I'm going need to take to get my health back on track. What am I going to do to expand my network and meet new people. What artworks am I going to create next for the world to see. What steps do I need to take that I haven't already to keep building myself to the point where I'm more self-sustaining than ever.

My room's a mess. ~_~ I guess I'll clean when I come back from my run.
The other day my father gives me a third degree on why I don't share everything with him as in where I am or where I'm going. I don't believe I need to share every last detail of my life with my parents because of the constant nag and repercussions of their judgment. Everything I do is stupid and wrong to them. What I eat, how I dress, how I live and how I am. I don't necessarily need to have a continuous feed of negativity in my life from people who should accept me and love me unconditionally. I asked my mother, "I is necessary for me to give you a constant update on where I am all the time?" ... My other being the open soul of the two parents said, "No, you have freedom, I just don't know why your father grasps on to you so tightly."

One can't breathe if they are suffocated by another.
Time to get out and breathe.

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