Time of Reflection

This morning I finished reading: The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. The Book I had read before this was Angels & Demons, and the one before that was The 5 Languages of Love for Couples. The only one I had a long reflection on was the 5 Languages of Love. I however did not post what I had to say about the book on here, but on my facebook because it gave me the opportunity to note the ones that had ever affected me in my perception of 'love'. This book however is more on the basis of the way of life, the way one should live and live for. I had a strange experience ten years ago. I even blogged about a journal entry and re-wrote it on this blog. My realization. * click here to read the entry * But the greatest change came within these last 8-9 months. Ever since this blog was revived with an ever unknowing purpose. It is when I blog when I reflect on the days...right and wrongs and on myself. I've been trying to re-discover and improve myself in every aspect of life. Following and pursuing my dreams again to establish myself as an artist as I continue on with graphic design. Trying to blend the two together in some kind of personal artistic balance. I wrote a list of goals and are always reviewing them and thinking what I can do to achieve them. Slowly planing my way there. When this blog started I was in a state of controlled fear. My health was not in the best of terms because I had been showing signs of a certain cancer. Instead of going to the doctors right away, I faced this myself to breakdown the situation of what was happening to prove it wrong that it may be other elements affecting me. My brain went into DO - or - Die mode. I saw things differently, pursued things differently. Yearned for love more as I was falling out of love...*one of the longest relationships of my life was coming to an end* I say one because I know that my future husband will ultimately become my longest relationship. During all of this I dared to start youtubing I chanced it because if I didn't, what else could I do? how else would my loved ones ever see, hear, or have any kind of connection with me when I am gone. It was a chance to show the world my art. I began to realize the importance of time. How so many foolishly believe we have so much of it. When we should savor every moment we have. The last few weeks before starting the book, I was in the state of forgiveness. After coming out of the last relationship I was in a couple months ago. Though it was short our time together taught me something that has changed my life. I realized I still had so much hurt with me in my heart from past relationships. I had to forgive them and in the process of doing so my heart did something strange ... it began to start to thank them. Because who I am and how I love today is truly because of them. Every tear, heartbreak, lie, broken words, disappointment, regret, every emotion, every thought...I became thankful for because they shaped me into the beautiful person I am today. I should not hate any of them for what they have done because it's the past. Everything that has happened for a reason and everyday since my life has been a blessing. Every day as been a day of growth, of re-discovering the love I have for myself. I realized how powerful we are as human beings, above animals, plants, and towards one another. How we have emotions, thoughts, goals and dreams. It wasn't until recently I felt as thought I woke up again and was happy. When this happened it was also when the weather changed. The skies became sunny and clear and even in the rain, I was happy. I have always pursued things with my heart and mind. After finishing the book, and as I was reading it I was constantly in awe and shock and disbelief because how I have always thought life should be lived is clearly written in a book before me through the words of another man. I laughed out loud at the fact that I now realize why my friend had been pushing me to read this book. ( perhaps even over a year of pushing ) . How he would constantly say that I keep reminding him of this book. Through how I talk, how I exude my positive thoughts and dreams and perception of the world or how I wish the world would be. I have never ever read this book ... now having had read it, I come to realize I had been, believing, following and practicing steps to enlightenment without ever knowing it. But it is from here on out that I feel like I now know what it is I truly need to do to be happy. I know what it is I had forgotten on my path to a fulfilling and happy life. I had lost vision of what it is I truly wanted out of it because I was in the constant state of worry and sadness, my mind was filled with thoughts of others more than myself. I had lost the vision because I had lost faith in me and in love and understanding. When I should never lose faith in me and my abilities especially the one to love. It is the love of life that I am still here. That I changed my ways and am traveling back on the right path, even if it is one I create on my own.