Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Enjoying It

I am creating -  art. It's called My life. On Saturday me and Ry went to go see the fireworks. I have only seen the fireworks a few times in the last ten years. Most years I missed it because I hate the massive crowds. Two - I believe the money that goes into funding this even can largely go to help a lot of people off the streets. Then I came to realize, those are two things I can't really control. A lot of it is really no reason to get mad at, so I decided to agree to go see the fireworks. Ry agreed to let me drive into China Town. Downtown Vancouver - China Town driving makes me nervous, there are so many things to be aware of. The druggies that just cross the street last minute scare me, cyclists scare me. Last minute lane changes and turns scare me. But it's just something to get used to. Ry and I headed into Chinatown to Kent's Kitchen to pick up some Chinese food to eat at the fireworks. Wow it's hard to parallel park when everyone else can't park in the legal distance from the curb either. You bastards! . Just kidding. We headed our way to Kits Beach after parking at Safeway and getting some drinks from Shoppers we grab our gear and head down to the beach. We climb down this small path trail to a spot by some boulders on the sand. Ry - being the sweetness that he is carried both our chairs. I'm still getting used to the fact that he's such a sweet guy, refuses to allow me to do certain things. ( like carry potentially heavy items. )  I carried the clothes, food, drinks. :) Ry didn't have his sandals because well someone in the house took them. ( turned out to be one of the students in the house but oh well. He couldn't / didn't want to get his feet wet because it would be difficult to get the sand out of his shoes later on. I walk along the pebbly sandy beach and look for sea glass. Looking around my surroundings on Kits beach I noticed it was one of the best locations to look for sea glass. Why? The waves come crashing in hard enough to work the sediments and the many little stones in the water also gives it away. I found some pieces, but what I'm looking for are the blue and pink and I guess whatever it is I can get to find. I think my next time searching for more will be in my bathing suit and sandals. After some of my beautiful finds, Ry shows me a picture he took of me with my phone. Beautiful. What a sneaky cheeky monkey. We sit together and eat, watched the sun set and the fireworks. It was beautiful.

I guess this is just another goal he has helped me achieve. Goal #59. Watch The Sun Set With Someone I Care For. Simple Goal in life right. :) yet having have it completed is worth is. The city lights can be seen. The fireworks goes off and I film the first 10 minutes of the 30 minute show and stop to just sit and enjoy Ry's company and the beautiful show. I really do just enjoy his company. To be with a guy who treats me very well. To be honest sometimes I ask myself what it is I can do for him. He already does very caring things for me. I guess what I can do is try to love as much as I can while I still can. I say that cause I don't see him all the time. As long of the times we have together - together I will do my best. I should sleep I want to wake up early and make some blueberry pancakes. Busy Busy. I'm supposed to dish out some invoices to get paid. I have yet to bother. I should, I would like to see the next series of my bottles come out. :) I'm just trying to enjoy as much as I can right now. Good Night Sweet World, Good Morning ... Life.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


I remember why I don't go bathing suit shopping cause I'm totally clueless. It's like me looking at a make up wall. I might as well be a deer caught in headlights on a dark dark road.

I felt so lost when trying these on in the store. I said out loud "I'M SO LOST!" in the changing room... I wonder what the changing room lady thought when I said that. o_O . I fail at girlie girlie things like make up shopping and bathing suit shopping. Really.. I do! My tom-boyish me comes out and I'm just... LOST.

Seriously - I came out with three. There's major sales going on I probably spent no more than 60$ on three bathing suits all together. *NO LIE*

I'm gonna be wearing these out and now I take another look at them... the white one just looks like I'm wearing a white sports bra and panties. The black one... OMG my stomach is SO WHITE. Last but not least this fun little piece... I'm wondering... am I wearing it right? SERIOUSLY!

ewwww. I hope I tone my tummy a little more before hitting the beaches. MAN I better hit the beaches ... I'm so fricking WHITE!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Angel Theory

I've had this theory for a while. Wondering what life's all about. I generally believe that we are all good people. ( Yes I have a lot of hope in humanity ) . This is my angel theory, I think I blogged about this before but I'm not too sure. This is just what I think. We were once all angels. Angels are ultimate beings, we have to be wise and understand everything that happens in the universe. When you know everything in the universe you tend to forget and lack other things - for example, emotions. If you know and understand everything, you fear less in the world. Your compassion may even lack because you have the ability to see all choices and view points of every situation. Sometimes when you know too much, you forget the little things that do matter. As a great being you could have looked upon the world and saw a young couple in love. You turned to God in your ultimate form and asked ... "God, they look so much in love, I am happy for them, yet it's been so long I have forgotten how it is to love so innocently and believe the world is good." God smiles at you and then BAM! you're re-born in this world to just experience that emotion that will make you feel so in-love and all is good. This moment comes and BAM! you die.

I don't know what my purpose on earth is, but I will act through my ultimate form. Be as understanding as I can be, lead with that and not always with emotions. Love and feel compassion. Leave little to fear. Let me experience what it is I'm here to experience and be happy that it's happens. I don't want to die and end up going to Heaven with more questions than answers. I want to look God in his face - and say, "Thank You" - Not - "Why?!"

If WHY?! is what you would ask him. He'll keep putting you through the same situation. A great teacher doesn't give you answers, but questions. And when they do, they provide you many different answers only to have you to discover the right one on your own.

Think About Yourself

There are a lot of things that happen when you get out of a relationship. You think about a lot of stuff. Everyone tends to have one thing and that is that they hold on when they in reality should be letting go. I guess I had my cancer scare, paralleled with my break up which came at the right time to uncover that blindfold of perfection that we tend to put on sometimes when viewing our past significant other whom we may have loved for years and years. We want to hang on to something we loved so much because ... well because the truth is - it's easier. When you know a part of your heart says they weren't the one for you, that there were moments where they just broke your heart or disappointed you and you thought 'oh well everyone makes mistakes', but they just kept happening. Really? should someone that really really loves you with the kind of love you deserve ever do what they've done to you? to disappoint you not only once but multiple times. So many times you've come to ignore when he does and come to accept that that's just the they were. There's a key to a good relationship. That's happiness. If you just settle with the fact that they are not loving the way you need to be loved - but you're alright with it. You're lying to yourself. Why out of all this time have you forgotten about you? What you need? Want? and Love? Think about yourself sometimes - scratch that... think about yourself A LOT! Most of the time when I debate in my head I ask myself. How would I like to be treated? How would I like to be loved? I treat others a lot of the time the way I would like to be treated. I do little things. I offer up my seat to the elderly or someone that seems to have had a long day. [ I think when I'm old I would like the same ] . I hold the door for some people, I will hold the elevator door. Smile at random people. Help pick up something for someone when they've dropped something. I guess I'm trying to be as NICE as I can be in hopes that - that niceness will mirror back at me. There is one thing I noticed a lot lately, I always say 'thank you' to the bus driver now and now more and more I hear thank you's to the bus driver. I hardly ever heard it before on my bus. We rarely say thank you, or even the word please anymore. When I was falling out with Trevor I did think about his point of view. I thought, what if I didn't love him anymore and he couldn't let me go ( the truth is I felt like we should have split two years earlier and he said no and I stayed in the relationship. ) But I know how that "no" pushed me to keep trying to love him when I felt he needed to learn so much more. I couldn't just say "no" when he asked to split. Because I had already saw and felt the outcome of that answer. We loved each other for so long already, I'd given so much and felt so little in return. And to be honest, he probably felt the same. We may even look back and say wow 8.5 years was a long time... yet it feels so short. When I had my cancer scare I had to choose. I can cry about a relationship or fight for my life. Maybe during all breakups people should come down with symptoms of cancer and then their mind set will be at the same point. Do you fight for a relationship OR do you fight for life. It was a simple choice - why? Because I'm worth it! One thing to think about during a break up. Especially when you're the one being dumped. THINK ABOUT YOURSELF! I chose my life because well I'm going to be honest. That relationship was with some-ONE. ONE person out of billions and billions on this tiny small ass planet. You are ONE person but you're important to you because you always should be, there is no one else in YOUR LIFE that can replace the world that's created around you because you create your universe. Think about that statement. You create your universe. [ If something makes you sad, you keep yourself in that state of sadness ] It's the same train of thought when someone dies. Some are sad that someone so wonderful has died - then you have to look at the flip side, they are in a better place. [ This is how I think: You shouldn't focus on the fact that you'll miss them, be so thankful of the fact you ever had the chance to even know them at all. Without them you would have never experienced some feelings that they have created within you. ] Number one thing in life is experience. There is nothing else but that and that is the reason you're alive. Why god breathed air into your lungs and why your heart beats and your mind sends pulses through out your body. When someone experiences a fall out there's the heartache. This heartache is actually a good thing. Not good as in ... oh it's great something so sad happened. NO NO.. look at it from a different perspective. This heartache tells you a lot about yourself. Tells you how much you did love this person. How much you felt loved. It tells you what makes you feel happy and loved and what just causes your heart to ache. Heartache is a good experience. With out it you wouldn't be able to comprehend what Love is. Think about yourself. There are more fish in the sea, someone that is willing to make you happy and feel loved. Stop filling up your cup with moments of the past. Empty that cup of past events and thoughts and sadness so that the universe can fill it with what it is you truly want for the future.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Sprained Ribs

I finally went to go see a doctor today after 9 days after my injury. I haven't been on here forever because well nothing really to blog. Oh maybe some. I will use a photo from which I took when I was with Ry at his photo shoot for his car. This alley is in Vancouver behind the Scientology building on Hastings. Ry's photo shoot is for a magazine that it's going to be featured in. Awesome? no? It was really cool cause I our first location was in Richmond and I got to get shots of these guys who were doing tricks on their bikes. With the sun going down in the background.

Anyways... yup photography kinda felt good to take come great photos! but today I finally went to the doctors this morning to go get checked. Why did I choose today. Well I didn't wake up feeling so uncomfortable breathing than this morning. I kept feeling a bit uncomfortable most of the day. It started to make me upset a but to be honest that I felt a little uncomfortable pain when I try to open the door, or get up from bed - or rolling over in bed - or getting up from my desk. I'm learning how to get around my uncomfortable pain that I'm getting but the one that gets me is the breathing. When I take too deep of a breath I will feel it - and me having gone through feeling uncomfortable for a while being sick in my own body - yeah it does upset me that I'm feeling another uncomfortable physical distress - I guess can be the only way to describe it. I sat in the walk in clinic on Commercial for a bit to and saw the doctor for her to press here and there to tell me.. I sprained my ribs like a person sprained their ankle. There isn't much I can do but rest and give it time. REST?! I'm upset at the fact that I won't be playing any more especially our play offs for roller hockey. I don't know I'm just upset at how I feel I guess. But I need to focus. I'm taking a week off from reading and just doing other things. I baked a bit last week I did. Some muffins for breakfast and lunch. Blueberry muffins were so good. I should make some more this week. Time for sleep. It's been rough fighting off the dog at night with this injury.

G'night world.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

My Body Is A Temple & God Lives In Me

There are a lot of bad things that I've chosen not to do through out the years. I've never been drunk and never done drugs. I truly had the train of thought that my body is a temple. Some people don't get this line when I tell them this - it's how I treat my body - to be honest I don't think I ever was in the right mind of state to even explain what it means. It has to do a lot with my thoughts of God. For all those that don't know me, well a lot of people don't know me - but that's not the case - I'm not any religion. I was born to a Christian mother and Buddhist father in a Muslim Country and when I grew up in Vancouver I attended a Catholic school. I'm neither God-less nor faith-less - just religion-less. I do however believe in certain things. I believe in angels. I consider these spiritual beings my sisters and brothers. I can be found praying to them once and a while or caught talking to them, seeking guidance. A part of me strongly believes they are around us all the time, overseeing the little things that happen in our lives. [ I had an experience years ago playing around with some spiritual game... I asked how many levels of guardian angels there are ( not knowing anything about angels )... the reply I got was seven... I researched this after to find that there are claims seven hierarchy of angles ( not all are guardians ) . how is this possible? I asked some other questions too but I don't remember the answers .. but I did learn from this 'spirit' that I was communicating with that there are different angels for different things. For health, for love, for safety. Like us human beings we have people who do different jobs, they are no different. ] There is another reason why I believe in angels so much. I was born on a day where others have patron saints I have three archangels. Apparently it's also the day of all angels. OK. OK. Lets get to the point. I strongly believe that God is like scattered energy. ( I've also read the bible. Compared the new testament and old, I prefer the old. The new one tries to point out EXACTLY what the bible is trying to say when the old English / leaves things more on the open mindedness of thinking. ) But the bible says that God is in all things and everyone. [ Note: this is something I believe a lot of people forget even Christians and Catholics and what ever Religion ] ... If God is in all things then I should be respectful to many, appreciate - and be thankful. If God lives in me then I should worship him / her... Making my body a temple. If I take drugs or drink alcohol. Doesn't that mean I'm also poisoning not only my body but God as well? ( If all things went wrong. If I don't know my limit, If I over dose or if I over do it with the alcohol - the consequences of when my God dies ( If I die ) will cause others grief - cause a sadness in a lot of people. That's one thing I want to control that I don't want to purposely do this to others. When Death comes to me, it is something I can't control, but what I can control is me inviting Death to come. [ Does that make sense? ] . In my May Month of Change - I realized that me losing hope and faith in love was losing hope and faith and love in God, hence losing hope, faith and love in myself. [ Note: you should never ever lose faith, hope and love in yourself. Not Ever. You do and you're digging your own grave. You are building your own walls - isolating your true self from the world- lying to yourself. ] I was talking to my friend today. I was concerned for my god brother. The other week he used the "fagot" word in my presence - It offended me greatly. I don't know why but it just did. I've been angry with my God brother lately to the point where in my head I'm thinking as though I want to punch him in the throat. Why? - So maybe, just maybe he will listen, TRULY listen to what I'm trying to tell him. How my heart is praying that it's not too late. I'm currently trying to break down the walls around his heart. A little sense of hatred I've been feeling from him, and how he hides who he really is when he's with women ( he's admitted this to me as well ) He's been heart broken by some girls in his life and this hurt has caused this protective wall to come up when it comes to any women in his life. ( maybe not all but most. So much so that even someone like me - whose known him for more than ten years is feeling the front of it. ) He offended me when he used 'fagot' in an insulting way [ I don't believe anyone should use this term at all ] but I was offended by how he was speaking. A very large part of me had already thought he was a bigger person than this. That him throwing that term around so loosely didn't show me anything but a sense of childish anger. I wanted to say to him ( who's a Catholic ) What's wrong with you? Do you not know what you're saying is so hurtful? ... [ Believing we are all children of God - that we have a higher being as a parent. ] I wanted to say to him that he wasn't representing Dad very well. Hence... he wasn't representing himself very well that night. What you say, how you act, and how you treat yourself should be as though you're treating God. To be honest we have very God-like powers. We have the ability to make life and take it away, we make choices that change lives of our own and others around us. We have the ability to do so much ... it's God-like. We may not have superpowers but we do have power to do something for ourselves, others and for those yet to come.

My body is a temple. I will love myself as a God because she lives in me. I will treat her well, feed her well and love others because God lives there too. I will meet other Gods, shake their hands, admire them, forgive them, thank them and continue to learn my powers as a God along this experience of life as a mortal.

Wouldn't that be an interesting theory? We are all born Gods into a mortal world, re-claiming our powers unknown as we continue to grow - building ourselves back to the point of immortality? If you find yourself asking WHY ME? You question God. Why God? We are all here for a reason. He / She would look upon us when you ask why. The answer would be because you still have yet to see. When you do see what it was all about, you'll laugh.. You'll smile, you'll be happy and you'll thank God for everything you once questioned why. Everything we ever go through ( the joys, the good, the bad, the heartbreak, the lives and deaths, the experience ) is for us to learn [ learn! ] Our limits, Our Dreams, Our Love, Faith .. to learn who we are .. and who we're meant to be. A lot of people ask what it's all about.. stop asking questions and look for the answers.. it's right in front of you. Nothing is meant to be easy or hard, it's just meant to be. How it's experienced or interpreted is all with in your view point and how receptive you are to what is all around you.

*whispering* Hey God...*close eyes* *looking into myself* *smiles* I want to make you proud.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Relationship Question

Even though in the last year or so I saw ( dating ) some people. That realm and the realm of actually being in a relationship with some is totally different. You don't really have any REAL obligations to the person you're seeing when everything is casual. I guess that's what makes me not a big fan of dating. The other person is not obligated to share with you anything about them or what it is they are really doing, anyone can walk away as they so please if they feel the other is just not the one or if someone is just not ready. When I'm openly dating I feel like I'm chancing a lot. I put a lot of peoples emotions on the line and I have the possibilities of hurting people I don't particularly want to hurt at the same time. You find that someone and you and that someone becomes happy but you have to turn around and say... sorry guys to the ones that just didn't make your cut.

I'm going to be honest to say I'm so grateful to have met Ry. He met me at a great transition where I realized a lot of things about myself that needed to be addressed. He presented a fear and I had to face it. I did and I'm more happier that I did. But now I am feeling that now it's a relationship... now what? I mean being with Ry is totally different than when I was in the other dating relationships with someone like Darren. Darren for the foremost really felt like a good buddy to hang with. Ry... OMG did I tell you that his mom is an awesome cook. I've so fell in love with her cooking. Except the noodles... I'm a noodle girl so it takes a lot to impress me with noodle stuff. I'm afraid that I may get fat eating her awesome food. I want to ask his mama to teach me how to cook some food, whatever it is that Ry likes to eat.. I want to learn to cook. :) That reminds me I should look through that awesome cook book. well time to cut this entry short. I have to bake some goods to bring to work tomorrow or I'm out of luck for lunch and breakfast.

Ry to me... I want our experience to be different. I know for sure it's going to take us both time to get back into the feel of being in a relationship or the feel of our schedules and being aware of the one and other. Not to forget the other - kind of thing. ( maybe it's just my fear that I will ) ( well I think about him a lot during the day - there are a lot of cute little things he's done and said that just get stuck with me now ). I want fun! fun! fun! :D I just know it's going to be full of wonderful surprises and events ... and people. :)

Tasks - Artists Way - Question and Answer

1. Describe your childhood room. To be honest I didn't really have a childhood room. I lived in a basement in Vancouver. Shared a bedroom with my brother, sister and mom. It was a pretty big room. What was my favorite thing about it? Nothing really to be honest comes to mind. What is the favorite thing about my room now? I think I love my room now cause it's mine, it has the embodiment of me.

2. Five traits I like in myself as a child. Stronger imagination. Speaking Freely ( no matter how stupid the words that are coming out of your mouth, you're listened to and at the same time ignored because you're a child. Now you're an adult, your words are listened to - some ignored but more listened to. ) . Wonderment ( you're more amazed at things if you see the world as a child. ) . Acting Freely ( Being and having fun and not worrying about other peoples judgment. No Fear) a FUN-maker ( I remember always creating new games and trying to get everyone involved. The years of childhood backstabbing have taken a toll on me and friendships in trying to be the fun-maker. )

3. Five childhood accomplishments. Good Grades . Artist award in the 7th grade . Created an awesome mosaic in the 5th grade. Got to read one of my poems to a crowd of people.

Five childhood favorite foods . Popsicle. Jello. Danish ( There's this danish that I loved to eat as a kid, I simply have not found it again.. I have great taste memory ) . Grandpa noodles. BBQ pork buns & Dim sum ( I don't admit when I do eat dimsum it brings me back to when I was a kid. )

4. Three obvious rotten habits. Killing time doing nothing watching tv & eating ( no reward, just wasting time ) . Travel time doing nothing ( on the train I now try to have a book or the paper ) . Messy ( no reward.. just lazy to clean )

Three Subtle Foes . Isolation ( I try to make it a good habit of seeing a friend every week .. I've been keeping this goal since starting it and noting it some time back ago in a blog entry ) . No time for Meditation ( I don't do this enough. I love my sleep and just waking up early is so hard to do ... I know it should be a good habit to get up early to get more stuff done ) . Verbal practice ( I'm a pretty big potty mouth, but I've been trying to cut it down and be a good girl )

5. List Three Nurturing Friends. Sundeep ( I see his ups and downs and he speaks about it and mine but he assures me that we will always rise to where we ought to be and that's on top ) . Frankie ( although we don't talk anymore or as much... it was only after our friendship came to a close I realized how nurturing he was to my creativity. He would always say, "DO IT!" or ask "Why?" in the context of why aren't you doing it? And from him I felt he was trying to push to me that anything is truly possible. All the resources are out there. He was right. ) [ WOW THIS IS HARD! now that I know to differentiate crazymakers ] . Ry ( he has the positive heart that will stand by you and celebrate the good things. When I said I was going to paint when he was away he was happy and was glad to hear it. I want to have the kind of happy heart again, one that absolutely loves the simple things in life even just at one piece of art. )

6. Call a friend that treats me like I'm really good and bright person who can accomplish things. LOL. That's Sundeep to me! I text him... hahahaa

7. Inner Compass: I played hockey... got hurt but I still love it. mmmm Hurt.. ahahaha jkjk. I like cheering, supporting my team.

8. Five people I secretly admire DJ ( I have a friend DJ that I secretly admire. He's a good looking guy, keeps himself fit and motivated and helps people. One of those... knows how to let loose and have fun... I admire that cause I want to be able to just let loose and have fun. My family upbringing coming from my dad is always watch what you say and do because your image matters so be classy and mature and what not. So I haven't done a lot of daring things in my life. ) . My brother and sister ( they made a choice to go out and be independent from day one in high school as where I made the choice to take care of family and home matters. I very much admire their independence from my parents but the truth is that they had to, our parents weren't the WORST parents but they weren't the BEST either. ) . Kero ( one of my friends who I see as a big sister. I see her has a very independent woman who's very strong and strong willed. She smart too and business minded. I like that about her. ) Ry ( I once said he was important. he's a nurse. I hold true to this notion because he sacrifices when he works and he's doing a job where you help people. I truly believe being a nurse is a self sacrificing job. You give a lot of you in that line of work and it's admirable to me. I mean if you look back to the days of old, it's those people who mattered in the worse situations. The Police, the soldiers, the doctors, the nurses, the firefighters, the ambulance people. These are self sacrificing jobs - mentally and physically. I don't hold anyone that does any of these jobs in low regards at all. These people in their line of career help the lives of so many people in a fraction of their lifetime, so much more than the average person would ever do in a whole life time )

9. List five people who I'd wish I'd met but are now dead. Bruce Lee ( he's just a legend and how much he's done for the Asian Americans of today. The quality I see in him is knowledge of the world ) . My art teachers teacher ( I would love to learn from the master himself what my teachers were taught. Closer to the source of where it all started. He had the determination to pass on the art ) . Michael Jackson ( even though he was corky, I don't know why I saw a lot of purity from him and his heart. I felt it in his words, saw it in his eyes and his actions. ) . Princess Diana ( I would ask how she does it with so much chaos around her ) . Mother Teressa ( I would try to find out how she's able to give so much of her ).

10. comparing what I like to what I admire. I admire the Great, Loving, Giving and Passionate. I'm trying to give myself up to these traits. It's hard. But I'm working on it none-the-less.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Realization Of The Month

I've come to think that Ry's right after telling him of my predicaments when it comes to cracking through my GB's heart wall ( the wall he placed up to protect himself when it comes to women and love ) Ry's right. I can't really help him. I've come to see that he really is at the point where he has to help himself. I hit that point where - what ever it is someone said it wouldn't help. I got myself out of my walls. He has to learn to do the same. He seems though he's still upset. Angry at women. To be honest it's hard to be a female and be a close friend and not feel the front of his emotions. Because even when he converses with me he sometimes has a wall. I don't only hear it in his voice, I see it in his actions, his eyes. With people I come to part take and converse with. I listen, more than just the ears. I watch, listen, feel. Sometimes it takes more than words to understand someone. It takes more than words to love someone.

I can't seem to get this funny thing that Ry said when we were eating sushi out of my head. He's talking about how he doesn't like eating veggies ( hmm reminds me of someone ) Ry says -
Ry: " I didn't climb on top of the food chain to eat f-ing carrots. "
( Oh - how that made me laugh ) I said, " babes you didn't climb on top of the food chain, you were born into it. " LOL.
Ry: " ... that said, doesn't mean I'm going to go eat lions... "
I laughed so hard.

Saturday I got hurt. Turns out my ribs maybe bruised because it hurts when I move certain ways and take deep breaths. I wish I played harder yesterday at Kensington but my body just won't push past and my shortness of breath wasn't helping either. I believe I played well as in handling the stick and not letting the guys get puck. We won and this was the last game of the regular season. How horrible I only have one goal under my belt in to honor Mia, I feel so sad. UGH. Should play harder. Then again we got bumped up a few times in this league this season.

Wow did blog time a little early today, I guess cause I'm home. Oh yeah - today is me and Ry's one month. :) nothing special on one months anymore when you hit my age and the relationship is so new.

Today is relaxing day after yesterday's game and such. I think I'll look through some cook books, sketch. read. Dinner by myself was a bit sad but hey. MmmMMm I should film something for youtube but I have nothing to give right now really. Been blocked. Trying to unblock. :P

Sunday, July 11, 2010


I'm gonna be honest. When I write these journal entries. I really don't think a lot of people are reading. Then I go and check up on my stats and people do hit up my blog and read what it is I'm up to.

I've been up to a lot. Trying to re-discover my inspiration in art. I got and started a new sketch book that is now a sketch of dreams and goals. Things I would actually like to see happen. Ideas I've thought of for a while and just never really jot down. Now I wonder is that why I haven't been able to produce new ideas because I had all these ideas stuck in there.

Time to read a little and get to bed.
<3 G'night world.

Happy Morning

Well... it's official I love waking up next to him and being in his arms.
Anyways roller hockey yesterday was rough! I don't think I've fallen or been hurt so much in a game unlike that one. I took two shots on the body ( That's what I get for playing in front of the net. ) One to the butt and one to the leg. When tried to dodge someone I end up running into Trevor head on. I see him coming and I try to brace myself as much as I can. I feel the right side of my ribs cage in, air leave my chest and I find myself trying to breathe, just breathe. My first attempt was a fail as hard as I was trying to but when I was on the ground I just wanted to get up as fast as possible and when I did I skated to the bench.

I get to Ry's house, shower and eat dinner and watch some tv before bed.
I'm home now and my body is SO SORE. oh yeah, Ry's mom is a super cook. Falling in love with her cooking. Eat it get fat and then go play some hockey to regain my body. I don't know, my body has been feeling tight as in .. toned more when I wake up in the mornings. I feel smaller than I was for sure a year ago.

I don't really know where Ry and I's relationship is gonna go. I feel like I'm in the middle of something so grand and randomly bringing someone into my life for the ride. I love being with him. He's far better company than some I've had this past year ( I shouldn't say that.. that's so mean ) I guess he's made me felt more complete than some others have tried to. Personally I feel we have a lot on our plates personally as separated individuals. I don't want to distract him or take him off road from his dreams as for me, I obviously have more responsibilities on my plate of late. I don't tend to de-rail from my path, I'm simply hoping he's the one to join me for the most of this ride or whatever is left of it. I'm feeling too many De-ja-vu's with Ry to ignore. I feel he's someone of much significance in this life time of mine. I laughed this morning at Ry as I was watching him on the computer. He asked why I was laughing. I said I was thinking back to before we ever met in person. How he was wondering if I would make this online banner for him ( I did it in a couple of hours and simply handed it off to him. Saying something like he's to pay me back with a dinner or something. ) Little did I know we'd end up together.

For some reason I feel time with Ry - will be one with events. He tells me some of his friends want to meet me .. why not. If some of his friends feel like they want to spend time together ... lets have some events together. To me ... it's not a big deal meeting new people. I actually try to make it a goal to at least meet someone new every week. Like yesterday the guy who took our roller hockey team photo. Ed.

I'm realizing my bad habits and trying to break them. To change. For the better I hope.

Dreams to record and get out of my system:
The proposal - We arrive in a condo / hotel size room. The room is dark with the window curtains open to floor to ceiling windows that over look to the night sky and city lights. A romantic set up is there for me. It is in this setting he asks me to marry him.

The meeting of families:
A secret is put out in the open. I'm embarrassed at my family that they are so blunt and unaware of the consequences of their words and actions and accusations. There is a chance of my family causing another family to suffer through their words, one I can only apologize with words for.

Friday, July 09, 2010

Movie Night Alone

Yeah I'm a bit upset but I have to be understanding that my bf is currently recovering from jet lag-ness. Ugh .. I hope I would be able to watch Miami Vice.. or should I paint... just paint... mmm should I go to play roller hockey tomorrow .. it's going to be during the day so it's going to be hot. I feel like baking... maybe I will. Some banana bread? I kinda want to do cookies ... maybe I will. Anything to keep me distracted as I'm currently frustrated. Not frustrated in the sense of at my bf... just frustrated I'm alone... on a Friday night with heightened senses. *ladies if you know what I mean* At least my room is air conditioned. I'm still frustrated. I'm so frustrated I'm mad now.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Arrive Surprise!

What up Blog! Puhahaha! Yeah... I'm a dork. Anyways yesterday I woke up at 4am! and couldn't go back to sleep. Yes I'm blogging today at work because I have time and I'm not hungry and what else can I say besides the fact that I'm falling asleep sipping on red bull. Watch - my system is so going to get used to this stuff that it just won't work on me anymore. Wait- if I'm falling asleep while drinking the stuff does it mean that it doesn't work anymore on me? Anyways. I woke up. Did my meditation. Surfed the net. Made breakfast. Did laundry. Got ready for work and left. All in the morning. I guess when you wake up early you get more stuff done. The whole point of rising up early. I was excited to see Ry the whole day. I had secretly planned the last few days with his little brother and best friend to be there when he landed at the airport from his 3 week trip extravaganza in Europe. [ Wow... I want to go to Europe one day and soak up all the culture and art! I would be so inspired when I came back... I would then want to paint my life away. Now that's life! ] At work my friend convinced me to print out a sign of Ry's name. Big! and taped together ( He had also suggested with pink glitter and sparkles ). - Work was work - After work I skytrained down to Oakridge Mall to meet up with my god bro Chris for dinner in Richmond. While waiting for him I walked around, asked the customer service if the mall had any stores like Hollister or Abecrombie ( they got some nice hoodies I love ) - she said no and that I had to try maybe Pacific Centre. Chris and I went to Richmond and had dinner. ( Ry's little brother and friend were adorable to ask if I needed a ride to the airport - I love sweetie guys! ) Anyways ... Me and Chris went to this bubble tea - cafe / restaurant. Twinkle 2. I had a drink called first love and meal that was crispy salted chicken rice. It was good by the way. I didn't take any pics... I should have. I was chatting with Chris about how walled up I used to feel him to be. To be honest... yesterday was the first time I felt so much *no wall* from Chris as we talked about everything and relationships and letting go. There were moments where I can see him recalling situations that wanted to bring tears to his eyes but truth be told. He has to let go in order to accept the good things that want to come into his life. He says he wants to date again and is ready. He's trying ( I do see this ) to let go and forgive. I asked him can he even forgive the hurt that was caused to him by all these girls. He says 'some' ... mmmm I wonder if he is ready. He's in the mid stage where believing ... he's going to have his epiphany moment soon and realize what it is he really needs to do to let go, forgive, thank, and be thankful of who he has become today. That everything in the past mounts to who you are at this moment, you can't be anymore stronger and wiser than you will be tomorrow if you didn't face what you had to today and yesterday. He has to learn this on his own. He has to be fully happy with all the moments that has happened no matter how horrible they were. They built you to who you are today. How can you not be happy with that? If you carve your destiny, the last thing you want to do is doubt yourself and your own future. Your own heart should love you, past - present - future. Be thankful [ there are far more worst situations out there being lived than the one you are so pampered with... more than you know. ] Be thankful that your life is filled with so many opportunities provided to you, when you see this - everything else will seem to fall into place. Know the sacrifices you make and the possibilities of the gains that come from them. Don't fear the risk, risk the fear. [ OMG - that is an awesome quote ] It's what I was doing when I decided to go and surprise Ry at the airport. Not only one - two - or three people had told me that this would be a bad idea. More than a few had said I may be putting myself way too out there too fast too soon and my chances of crashing and burning may not be worth the risk. [ Yo, crazymakers - stop doubting the love I have for this relationship! I'm not listening to you... just because you're afraid I'm going to crash if it doesn't work out... I rather love with all I got cause I feel he's worth it. I'm willing to risk me crashing to make him feel what I feel. Grateful. Thank you very much. ]  I went. Chris dropped me off at the airport. ( one of the people that said no to doing what I was doing ) I had asked him to wish me good luck. He said luck had nothing to do with what I was doing. -_- *FACE* . I said - fine... then wish me well. He did. [ You should be blessing people, not holding them back on what they feel to be right in their hearts. ] I met up with Ry's little brother and his best friend Phil there are the arrival area. We chatted for a bit. Ry's flight was delayed. He was first to come out and I was standing behind a sign ( that was there by sheer coincidence ) that blocked his line of site to me. I was looking else where when I noticed him from the corner of my eye and dodged back behind the sign. His little brother waves over to him and he walks over. I prop up my name sign over the sign that is blocking me. Ry walks around, and I use the name sign to cover my face for a couple seconds. I remove the sign away from my face and see his eyes go into a state of surprise and a shock surprise smile goes onto his face. SUCCESS! Ry's little brother caught his shock surprise smile on film. ♥  he even did a little commentary to the footage which was really adorable. Anyways ... my reward for this surprise was greater than the risk. Can I really say that? I dunno if I should but I will. The moment was great moment and memory that was made and that's what really matters... isn't it?

Although we didn't passionately kiss ... it was a kiss after a long absence.
LIFE GOAL: #91. Passionately Kiss In Public, After a long absence.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Loving With Everything

I wrote this title for today's blog but never finished writing it. I mean didn't even start. I'm currently reading the artist's way. A book that is meant to spark and unblock me as an artist that is currently stuck. I would say I have no inspiration... when I shouldn't have to say that. Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day! Ry is flying in back from out of town. I can't wait to see him. My heart... it feels like I'm a kid waiting on Christmas..and tonight's Christmas Eve.

Some people have already warned me about how "desperate" I may seem to jump at things with this relationship. I look from their perspective and they may seem right. I may be loving too much too soon but a part of me wonders. How could that be wrong for me to do so? I should always give what I feel I also deserve. Things I choose to do in the spur of the moment are now more from the heart than from thought. With love ... thoughts usually bring doubt to the heart but the heart brings hope to our thoughts. Things I choose to do are decided like this. I wake up in the morning and it is the last day I live, last day to love, last day to do anything. An opportunity to do something you have never done before arises. Would you not choose to do that something before the chance passes you by? I wonder... when will I ever get the chance to do anything like that ever again? Last day to live ... remember. Make it memorable. And the thing is with Ry.... anything we've done together have always had some kind of unforgettable moment. I mean we already have some amazing weird and wonderful stories with one another and we haven't been together for that long. Since our first date it's been different. It's a little wonderful to be honest.

I'm loving with everything because I rather have give with all I got when I can. In the now... because tomorrow is not always guaranteed.

Monday, July 05, 2010


This is from the book I'm currently reading about crazymakers.  Know them... and don't let them get you down. - The Artists Way

Crazymakers break deals and destroy schedules. Crazymakers expect special treatment. Crazymakers discount your reality. Crazymakers spend your time and money. Crazymakers triangulate those they deal with (pin people against one another.) Crazymakers are expert blamers. Crazymakers creata dramas - but are seldom where they belong. Crazymakers hate schedules - except their own. Crazymakers hate order. Crazymakers deny they are crazymakers.

Charismatic but out of control, long on problems and short on solutions.

Some people in my life as much as I don't want to see them as such are crazymakers.
My dad is one to me. Doesn't know what I do and doesn't care to ask a lot of the time. Asking me to do a million things more than I can handle ( as a good little house wife ). Renovations, cleaning, cooking, baking, laundry, all the usual stuff. Sewing. I can go on. But I won't. Just the other day he calls me out to eat breakfast.. oh great he heated up some buns he bought. He's drinking tea ( has a pot of tea ) and says if I want something to drink I have to go make some and get some myself. ~_~ really you can't .. share your tea? one cup? hmmmm expensive tea? WOW. crazymaker!

Every time he talks to me... most of the time it sounds like he's yelling at me cause he think's I haven't done something he asked for yet. *sigh*

Alright ... I'm planing something in the next few days. I think I'll sketch session tomorrow. I did a 5K and walked most of the way cause I was cramping and couldn't breathe very well. I had weird neck pain in the middle of the day yesterday. But I feel better now.


I have nothing.
I've just spent most of the day cleaning. Doing laundry. Which I will be folding later on this morning. Cleaned my room. Sorted out more things to give away for donation. Made my dad avocado jam. Set up the guest room for my great aunt that's coming this July.

Another work week.
Ry's returning :) I can't wait to see him.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

July Horoscope for Libra 2010

Your July Horoscope by Susan Miller
Libra Horoscope for July 2010 

This is an important month because on July 21, Saturn will enter Libra and will stay until October 2012, a long stretch. Considering how we only get (at most) two or three visits from Saturn in a lifetime, this is a major moment in your timeline, and one you will want to use to your full advantage. Saturn has not been in Libra since 1979-1982, as his cycle is every 28.5 years. Actually, Saturn did make a very brief appearance in Libra from late October last year to early April this year to give you a chance to see what was due, and then he quickly retreated back to Virgo. Now he is back to stay, not to leave for 15 months.

Those who will feel the influence from this taskmaster planet first are those Libras born at the end of September. If that's you, don't get mad and punch your office mate in the face as you read this. Actually, the September-born Libras had been dealing with Saturn since he made his preview debut, from October 29, 2009 through April 7, 2010.

During the period Saturn will be in Libra, you will only feel his rays directly during a nine-month period (not the full 15 months). If you are a September-born Libra, that means you already have five months under your belt. Saturn has been moving very quickly ever since he moved direct on May 27 and as said, will reach Libra on July 21.

By September 30, the September-born Libras will be done with their direct experience with Saturn. Those Libras will move into a lighter, easier phase.

Libras born between October 1 and 10 will be next in line to feel Saturn - from October through January 2011. At that point, Saturn will retrograde until June 12, and give these October 1-10 Libras another visit. From June until the end of 2011, just about all Libras will feel some influence from Saturn.

This aspect is considered draining, so you will need more sleep and better nutrition. Bones and teeth will be the main area to pay attention to, but also check eyes, skin, spine, and hearing. Also, keep your blood iron to good levels. It's always important to take very good care of your health during a Saturn visit.

I realize that you could have other planets in Libra that may be touched by Saturn. OK, fair enough, but Saturn conjunct the Sun is the hardest on health and relationships. Here is why: Saturn is the cold, icy planet, and the Sun is the hot, fiery planet, but together they produce a meeting of fire and ice. These are two elements that don't naturally blend well.

You may find, like me, you like Saturn periods. What you create during a Saturn visit has stability, form, and function and often lasts for a very long time - even forever. You will become more organized and disciplined, and suddenly you will value your time more than you have in the past. I started Astrology Zone when I had Saturn precisely on my Sun back in 1995. I love Saturn periods! When it was on my ascendant, I got married and had my first child.

You may not realize how powerful a period this is for you until you think back years later and reflect on what happened. Your new experience will represent a new rite of passage into a completely new realm. You will work very hard, for Saturn teaches that nothing of value comes without hard work and sacrifice, but you will do it because you want to, and because you know it will give your life structure and stability. You will have access to experienced people to help you learn the ropes too, so you won't be all alone in this effort.

The reason you will opt into the new commitment is because you will want the back-end rewards, even if they won't come instantly. (Believe me, nothing with Saturn comes fast.) You will engender a great deal of admiration from friends and family for all that you do now.

What might you do under a Saturn visit? You may go to college to earn a degree (as an undergrad or graduate student) or you may get married, have a baby, buy a house, start a business, or take on a very big promotion/new job. You may write your first book, move cross-country, make an important trip abroad, or do something else that turns out to be quite monumental. One fun part of Saturn is that he shows you that you can do things you never thought you could do - and when you do you feel so proud!

All big transitions require an adjustment, and, of course, this one will too, but you are up to the task. Saturn will not force you into anything - you will volunteer for your new post. It's all good, dear Libra, because later you will be changed for the better by your experience.

You will begin to see Saturn at work at month's end, at the time when Mars enters Libra too, on July 29, and beings to focus you squarely on long-range goals. Everyone wants Mars in their sign, and Mars will put you at the head of the class from July 29 to September 14 - that's your time to act. You will have courage, energy, and determination and will be put in a leadership role where others will actually want to approve your ideas and follow you wherever you are going - you will have that kind of charisma.

I have to qualify the time span I just gave you, because Mercury will be retrograde from August 20 to September 12. This means that your best time to make critical announcements and actions will be in July and during the first week of August. After August 9 or so, you will begin to see the pace of life slow down noticeably, and you'll find making progress very hard after that.

You may not like the start of the Mars-in-Libra phase because the dates of July 30 and 31 are due to be bumpy. Don't let this make you skeptical about Saturn and Mars in Libra - this is unusual. Here's what to expect.

On Friday, July 30, someone will be ready to push all your buttons, and you may be ready for quite an argument, due to the opposition of Mars to Uranus. That's a very hot, angry aspect. Still, there is another way this could manifest itself - physically, as a mishap, such as if you stumble in a street pothole or walk into furniture at night and bruise your foot. Seriously, make safety a priority at month's end.

On the next day, Saturday, July 31, Mars (the go, go planet) will combine energies with Saturn (the cautious planet) that shouts, "Stop! Stop!" So as you can see, this is due to be a confusing day filled with mixed messages. Saturn will win this duel, leaving you in limbo. Once you get over these speed bumps, you will be in a better place.

Venus will enter Libra too, from August 6 to September 8, so you will have lovely Venus AND Mars (a highly attractive combination) in Libra, and that's sure to heat up your social life. Just note that August 7 will not be a good day because Venus will not be getting along with Uranus, but generally things will be good after that! (I am sorry to have to give you all these footnotes!)

Against this major planetary shift, we are also in eclipse season, and the first, a full moon lunar eclipse in Capricorn last month on June 26, centered your attention on your home, other property you may own or lease, family members (most likely a parent), and the people you hire who help you with your home. A woman seems to have been the subject of your attention, perhaps because she was in need of help, because she moved out, or in some other way left your home environment.

Your roommate might have moved out, your housekeeper could have quit or taken extended time off, or your landlord may have asked you to vacate your apartment because he sold the building. There are dozens of possible examples. If your own home was not affected, it's possible your parent's home might have been.

Now, on the friendly July 11 new moon solar eclipse, your attention will turn to exciting developments in your career. This is a very fortunate eclipse, so you will like what transpires! With Uranus (surprise), Jupiter (good fortune), and Mars (action) all lined up to help you, you may hear of a superb job offer quite unexpectedly or get your chance to open your own business, possibly with a partner. (Partners will be excellent for you now, thanks to Jupiter's involvement!)

Or, it may be that your boss may leave, or your company may merge with another company. You may get a new, important position or promotion, or lose one, but losing your job seems unlikely. Whatever happens now will work to benefit you, so if you are the exception to the rule and you do lose your job, then you will get a better one in time, possibly in early January. Change does seem to be in the air, so just open the window and watch to see what flies in.

Love will be a big theme at the full moon, July 25, which will light your fifth house of romance. You will begin to feel things heat up perfectly as soon as Friday, July 23. This full moon will be delicious fun. It will receive golden vibrations from Jupiter (good lick), Uranus (surprises), and Mars (action). In other words, this full moon will bring with it happy circumstances - you must go out! If you hope for a baby, watch this weekend, too! I just love this point in the month for you. Monday, July 26, will be a stunner too, for the Sun and Jupiter will be beautifully angled, and a friend may be there for you in ways that take your breath away.

A creative effort will crest over the weekend of July 25, plus or minus five days, too. As I mentioned last month, if you didn't see any developments regarding to your home, other property, or family life, you might at month's end, for sometimes an eclipse delivers its news one month to the day earlier, or one month to the day later.

In all, dear Libra, you have a lot going on, and all of it will work to your favor. Now, you'll get your chance to bring significant improvements to your life, find pleasure in more grown-up goals, and work to bring greater stability to your lifestyle in the process. Just say, "Bring it on!"


This year has been one of change, and it appears that this month may bring even more. At the end of June there was a lunar (full moon) eclipse in your house of home, so you may have received family or residential news that required your instant attention. If you didn't move or renovate, you may have seen a person you are used to seeing at your home (or your parent's home) leave or arrive. Now you will have another eclipse, this time a solar (new moon) eclipse that could affect your career.

Watch the news you receive on or just after the eclipse of July 11. A major female executive may leave, or there may be changes in the organizational hierarchy at work. If you are self-employed, you may bring in a new client, or if you work for others, you may be given new job assignments and possibly a promotion. If you are downsized (I am not saying you will be), don't worry - you are destined for bigger things, and this eclipse will eventually allow you to change things to your favor. Occasionally something that happened on an earlier eclipse gets corrected at a later one - think back to all that happened in July 2009 and January 2010 regarding your career when this eclipse cycle started in order to see what might come up now.

Saturn, the teacher planet, has been touring Virgo until now, but will move into Libra on July 21. From then on, Saturn will remain in your sign until October 2012. This won't be a new trend - you had a preview of Saturn's role in your life from October 29, 2009 through April 7, 2010.

Since April 7, you've had a 15-week breather from Saturn's demands. Now Saturn will resume his tutoring of you and help you materialize goals in ways you may not have thought possible. As the teacher planet, Saturn will make you work hard toward achieving your goals, but the successes you score between now and October 2012 (when Saturn will leave this position) will be solid and yours for life. Saturn's job is to show you that you can handle more, and then show you how.

Sometimes Saturn will show you areas of your body that need medical attention. You are fortunate in that you will have Jupiter, the healing planet, in your house of health from September through most of January, so you will be able to find a doctor who understands your condition.

Romance will be in the air on July 25, for you will have a tender full moon to light your house of true love. This full moon will send your spirits soaring, as this full moon will be friendly to a host of planets, including Mars, Saturn, Uranus, and Jupiter - quite a crowd! If you are single, shake your hips and dance to the music - someone is sure to notice you and want to know you better.

If you are attached, due to a problematic vibe between Saturn and Uranus on July 26, a sudden difference of opinion may come up and need to be addressed. One long-term relationship may be tested - if it is strong it will survive, but if the relationship is weak or marginal it might not. This may affect a business alliance instead, but if all are strong, you will sail through without noticing much. This is all about the weeding out process you will be doing now and in months to come, deciding what stays and what goes in your new, important Saturn-in-Libra cycle. Suddenly you mean business, and you want your time to count, which is why it will! You will be very productive in months to come, you'll see!

Once you get to July 29, you will be home free and in the best position of all. Mars, the energy planet, will tour Libra from then until September 14 and put you in charge. You'll know instantly what you need to do, and the time will be right for taking any sort of assertive action.

With a full moon in Aquarius over the weekend of July 24-25, and just a few days later with Mars in Libra, on July 29, you will have an abundance of allure - all the support you need from a loving universe. The moon will light your house of romance, and you'll feel appreciated and adored. No matter what is going on in your life - even if you have recently faced a set of daunting obstacles or a devastating setback - by July's end, you will be able to grab the reigns and drive your life in the direction you choose. By then you will know for sure what you want, and you'll feel, correctly, that life is getting better every day in every way.

Dates to Note: Libra

You may be dealing with sudden shifts in a residential, property, or family matter as you begin July. If so, the matter might have come up at the end of June. If not, stay alert, it might still surface in July.

After the solar eclipse of July 11, expect key changes to your career. Try to keep your schedule open, and don't be away on vacation at this time. You will need to be abreast of all shifts the minute they come up.

Specifically, after July 11, a boss may leave, a client may come or go, the organization may be streamlined - there are many possibilities. Listen, but don't initiate or state any plans yet. You can react later.

Address health and fitness goals: July 8-9, and also July 26. You have exceptional protection from Jupiter now and can make all sorts of strides you've never made before.

The full moon July 25 will be highly romantic. You may meet someone new or draw much closer to your present partner.

You may become pregnant this month, or you may do something special for a child you have now. The topic of children (or alternatively, a creative project) could easily come up and start a major theme in July.

Near the full moon, July 25, Saturn will oppose Uranus. This will be the last time these two planets will meet in an unfriendly way until they do so again in 2056. This is a testing aspect, and because they will meet toe-to-toe in Aries-Libra, you will have a long-term relationship tested. If your union is strong, you will know it, and if not, you will know that, too. The universe only wants the best for you - only strong unions will survive.

Mars in Libra will be your secret weapon, for Mars will put you in an enviable position in the coming weeks, from July 29 to September 14. You'll love the change, and you'll even find you're more popular and in demand.

Most romantic dates: July 25, hands down! (plus or minus five days, but not July 30) Also: July 3-4, 8-9, 13, 16-17, 21-22.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Emotionally Stupid

Work was work... Don't think there's much to blog about there. But I did go check out this art piece after work. ** input image here** reminds me of the ghetto houses on the water in Malaysia and Brunei.

Besides Ry text-ing me that he misses me so much... he goes an says something that makes me feel emotionally stupid. Now the last few guys I've dated since  'the epic failure of a relationship that was with Trev.' were all a part of this ...

May Month Realization: Love Relationships from 1999 - April 2010 I was never loving fully - invisible walls were around my heart. May2010 - I knocked them down. I have re-discovered how to love fully. To try, to chance, that if I didn't love fully in the moment then I was lying to myself and them. I will try to never ever doubt myself, love, or life - again.

I shouldn't say that I didn't Love Trev. I did.. but it did take me 2 years to realize I really really loved him. Should you be in a relationship for 2 years to realize only then you would actually deeply care enough for this person that if they died you'ld ball your eyes out? It took two years to realize that with Trev. Note on average the "in love" state of a relationship is 2 years. See through out these last 10 years my emotions were pretty much in check ( It wasn't in the my relationship with Trev for the first few years ). But when falling out of a relationship I may miss someone dearly because a part of me did love them, but I may have been cooler about some situations than most and everyone wondered why... it's because the situations never reached my heart. Which means my unseen barriers that were created from every failed relationship to protect what matters to a lot of people the most... their heart. Fear buried itself in there and built a home. But with Ry... was because of the month of May realizations have changed me. I had knocked down the walls because I knew it was wrong to even want a relationship if there are still walls around your heart. If fear lived there nicely doubting every relationship  - it was time to chase it out because it's ultimately what caused the relationships to fail before they ever started. I knocked these walls down and am trying to chase fear away from it. Why? Why would I knock down the walls that stand to protect the very part of me from getting hurt. These walls were not only protecting me... they were trapping me from getting out. The real me. After these walls were knocked down I did something foolish. I don't regret what I did because well I eventually found what I was looking for. Ones who have crossed my path before could not spark this, and I chose to walk away from certain people. They sadly could not make me feel what it is I sought in a hug and in a kiss. There are so many I have not told that they simply didn't make me feel what Ry had been able to... it is the only reason I chose to date him and be with him. To those guys ~ I'm so sorry if I did not tell you, my heart breaks ~ even at the thought of breaking someones heart. I'm a cowardly heart breaker.

There is one thing that makes me feel so stupid after knowing I've knocked these protective walls down -  is that certain situations now make me feel SO stupid. Situations when in a relationship where these unseen walls would block and reflect certain emotions from arising.. those walls are no longer there and when I feel a surge of wanting to cry... or even having tears emerge... I feel utterly stupid. It is only then... I know my guards are now fully down. That someone I haven't dated for that long already has me so emotionally invested that I feel stupid at the emotions that surface when troubled situations arise. A part of me wants to pull up some walls and padding to prepare for the "big hurt" hits my heart causing it to crash, fall and burn but I know that once these walls go back up. How long will it take to tear them back down? I can't afford another ten years. There is one thing that makes all this interesting. Though I may become emotionally upset at Ry, I still trust him in all my being. My heart is heavy with faith because so much of me believes he's worth my loyalty and hopefully I'm worth his.
Until he returns and tells me he really, really wants to be with me... the guards around my heart will stand down. I've chose to fully love in this one, to not doubt when doubt arises, and to trust - to fully give what it is I believe I deserve.

Although I may be emotionally stupid. The truth is I wouldn't choose to return to love the way I used to. Because it is now I'm loving how I used to love, purely and innocently. If I'm loving but not showing and giving everything of me ~ that is not loving. *epiphany* I understand now what Darren was trying to tell me. The walls around his heart were making it hard to love me and making it hard for him to accept it as well, that when someone loves it should be with every bit of them.

Maybe I'm falling in love. You know how love makes you do stupid things, feel stupid things, say stupid things. But I'm not loving blindly nor am I feeling that feeling when you love someone but you're never able to let yourself face that fear to actually chase them.

You get what you ultimately believe you deserve. If you want a great love, chase it, don't let fear scare you away from it. Chase it wholeheartedly, believe you deserve it, that you are so close to it that you already have it. Be so thankful that you have it when you do, because if you don't realize it. It's going to be too late if you ever let it slip away.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

The Little Fly

There's a fly buzzing around in my room trapped. Lets see if I can coax him out of my room.*goes out side in the hall* *leaves room door open* *turns on hallway light* *turn off bedroom light* *fly flies into the hallway* *shut off hallway light* *enter room* *close bedroom door* *turn on bed room light* SUCCESS. You know what the little fly did remind me of what's written in "The Secret". That if you don't believe that someone so small like you can make a difference in a world so big... try sleeping in a room with a mosquito / fly. That theory made an impact on me.

Funny story for you. Today I walk into the washroom, two of three stalls are taken. I go into the last remaining free one. *ugh* Someone didn't flush properly! or courtesy flush during their deed! I flush with my foot, the water rises a bit... damn it it's clogged...wtf! I have to now wait for the one of the other two to finish before I get a chance to use the toilet. I get the middle stall ( the right stall is the clogged one ) in the middle of .. what ever I was doing some girl walks in and flushes the already water high filled toilet causing it to over flow and halfway in my stall... ARE YOU STUPID?! if the water has risen to a certain point in the bowl you know it's not flushable and it's clogged!  Thank God I have pretty good reflexes cause I raised my feet just in time. Yes I took a pic cause this was my WTF moment of the day! maybe it was partly my fault to be the person that tried to flush it before.

There's been something I've been wanting for a while. That is... HIGH TOPS simple black and white ones. I got one in black and one white pair... why two at one time. It saves me the trouble of returning and getting another pair of shoes. I went to Metro and hit up Nike, they had this one before but not really high tops but in my heart I knew I would find it today and if I were it would be at Footlocker. And I did, I didn't care how much I was dropping because I need to get rid of the skater shoes I have cause the gods honest truth, the skater shoes I have are... just not me! They were my X's style that I'd come to absorb in the style of shoes, I have always found it a little weird as I wore them. Now I'm all about defining and finally getting what it is I want and like and what I'm all about. My shoe collection feels complete now to be honest. I've always wanted white heels and black ones. Now I got the high tops I've always wanted... I wonder what else am I missing... maybe just a good pair of runners... ahh that can come later I can wear out the Asian Croc runners I'm using now. Clothing wise the only thing I really really want in my wardrobe collection is a nice white simple summer dress and a new bathing suit.

This morning I was thinking of Sundeep my friend. As I was in Metro looking around for any sexy clothing I get for this summer he texts me to meet. I leave asap to make our meet. We always end up talking for hours. We feed off one an other energy just by... talking about what we feel, believe and striving for... what's been happening in our lives... crazy experiences. In some ways we find inspiration from one another. We push one another to continue our pursuit of our dreams. I wish everyone had that, I try to be that for some people as best as I can be.

Fantastic Chris is calling me out on a late night foodie goodie run..... gtg get ready.