Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Deep Hole

A dream's only a dream. It means nothing unless you make it a goal. The last line of my paragraph only means that the person I thought I was in love ( from my dream ) had never showed me he really did love me.. I have no idea why I would think I was in love with them. The truth is in the FULLY awake realm. I know I'm not in love with that person. I don't even know what that dream was about really.

I should have blogged about what's really bothering me. I have this problem. I never say what's really bothering. What's really really bothering me to anyone. You have to go three layers deep to really get anything from me in person. I should have wrote about this yesterday night but I went for layer two. Welcome to layer three of my real chatter thoughts. I have a pretty bad issue that I deal with - the truth is, a lot of people deal with this. But I've been hit bad lately with it and that's Depression. I don't know how to describe it. It's not only being sad about it, it's like thinking.. what's the point of even living anymore ( which are suicidal thoughts ) I want to cry my eyes out. Lock myself in my room, curl up in bed and just sleep. I barely want to eat ( I haven't been eating proper breakfasts / lunches when I'm by myself / at work ). I'll eat when I'm with other people. I haven't been creating what I want to create ( Ry said something that kinda punched me in the brain cause he was so right. That I can't do what I want to do if I'm not doing anything about it / towards it. ) Fighting for space in my home to do what I need to do isn't helping when I really want to set up my studio. Response from my Dad was.. You have always been allowed to make your studio.. Oh but don't touch this or that or that .. or that.. and oh this is how I want you to set it up with your table this way and this here and that there. [ I'm sorry, is this your studio for me.. or mine for me? I'm confused... wait wait.. not confused frustrated. ] I'm sitting at work on my lunch break writing this. Thinking should I get proper lunch.. but I don't feel like eating a whole meal. Oh .. and I want to cry my eyes out cause I don't know why- I feel so heart broken about everything. I know I'm stuck... if people's been reading my facebook status and tweets they would know. If not this is exactly what I'm thinking. Seriously I feel like a zombie in this state. I feel like my reasons of reasons to be - is gone and I don't really care about - living. end point. It's that bad. But hey.. I can't think that way right. I know... but is there really anyway to fight this random fit of depression? besides toughing it out. Believing, having faith that things will turn out alright. I know I have some of the best friends out there that if they knew I felt this way would say words of encouragement to pull me out of this hole.

The only way I honestly can say when I don't feel like this.. is when I'm with Ry. Some sense of weird loop hole in this Universe he seems to be one of those people that makes me feel complete. Too bad what I blogged about the dream upset him.. which in turns for some reason emotionally upsets me a lot. How do you tell someone you love them, when you both know words are only words? How do you show someone you love them ... when you're not too sure if your actions are even loving anymore? One of my biggest concerns is that I don't know and can't differentiate my actions are of me loving.. or just me being me. And I'm unknowingly loving everyone - kind of deal. Too nice for my own good? - Ry called me a suck up. -_- .

One spike of good news. I think I've finished my book. I'm going clear my room and unpack certain things I packed. Clean up and see if I can paint anything new tonight.

Seeing my sister and baby nephew was a bit of a break from my thoughts lately. Then my dad came over. The first line to me and my sister as we sat on the floor with the babies - "Yung, how come you didn't come open the door for me?" He was looking at me like he was a King I just disrespected. My response, "why would I open the door for you?" [ I'm thinking this cause I don't live in that house. My sister thought the same thing. ] He said this cause I knew he was coming over... I just didn't know when. But for that to be the first thing that comes out of his mouth in a house that is not even mine... kinda feels like a slap in the face. I dub this .. The King Complex.

Current Status: ... I really don't know what to do anymore.
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