Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Follow The Heart At All Costs

There a few things I learned over this weekend. My Friday night I went out to Night market in Richmond. My addiction to Panda's is still strong but I fought the urge to buy panda stuff. It was hard but I did it. Saturday morning I spent it with my guy until he had to go to work and I headed down to meet up with friends to watch a fireworks show. A little get together of friends and new acquaintances. Me being the girl at a sausage party. Used to it, considering I used to be a major tomboy. Most of the birthday parties I attended as a little girl in grade school, I was the only girl there. My best friends as I was growing up have always been guys. *Back to current* at the get together there was drinking and I'll admit that I had 3-4 mixed drinks. This wasn't very light, but not very heavy drinks either. I've never been drunk so I don't know what my tolerance of alcohol is. Now after 4 drinks through out the night I felt nothing. I thought if I downed my first drink like water and my others have no effect, then my tolerance is probably pretty good. I wasn't buzzed or anything so I cut myself off. I didn't want to seem very un-lady like in front of all the guys there that I can drink so much and still not be buzzed or drunk. A friend was supposed to drive me home but my god brother decided he would, but then on the way he felt he was too tired. ( around 4am ) I spent a couple hours at his place sleeping on the floor on a pillow and some cushions they use to watch television and play games on. Right when I hit the house I was texting Ry about my dilemma and being stuck in the city. I'm going to be honest to say that I was upset at my GB for not - saying he was too tired to drive me home in the first place before offering. ( yes it's nice to offer but please have the decency to do what you say ). Even though Chris is my GB, even I felt it was wrong for me to be there and got out asap as Ry said he was there. I had some weird dream when I was there, I was glad to walk out into the fresh morning air. At Ry's place I didn't get any sleep. The fact that I was sleeping in some other guy's place regardless if he's my God Brother or not upset him. The fact that I upset him, upset-ted me. What did I learn from this as I laid there next to Ry as he slept ( who had to take a pill to help him sleep because he was so upset by it and he needed to sleep cause he had another 12 hour shift coming on. ) I was so upset by the fact that I upset him...I actually spent half the morning not sleeping and just crying and convincing myself not to cry ... just cause my heart hurt from the stupid decision that I had made. I should have followed my heart in the first place when the dilemma that I may be stuck somewhere was to be dropped off at Ry's place. This incident showed me a few things. I do care a lot about Ry and I really don't want to jeopardize the best thing I feel that has ever come into my life in relationships. I'm still getting used to the fact that I have a guy that's so giving and caring and different from what I'm used. I also feel that him being upset also shows how much he does care for me, that I've already built a little place in his heart. Who's to say that he hasn't already in mine cause ... he has. I passed out sometime during the morning and we woke up late afternoon. I spent most of my Sunday... awake then at 11pm - 11am to Monday morning SLEEPING! the best sleep ever now maybe I've had a bit too much sleep. But yes. We talked about it when we woke up. To me, I know the kind of relationship I have with my god brother would never lead there. But being a Libra I can stand aside and look at if from Ry's view point. From an outsider looking in the situation looks very bad. I know. To me. When I'm in a relationship. There's a reason I choose one guy over the guys that are interested or in the pursuit of me. I feel he is deserving of it, that he's worth loving and receiving what I have to offer and that he's ready to. The chances of a guy that's already been given a chance - to be given another chance, to be honest the odds are slim. Every guy I date even just once or end up having a deep relationship with - Every one teaches me something about me, about what it is I like and don't like, what I can tolerate and what I can't, what attracts me and what doesn't. I guess my way of thinking is - If at your time you couldn't see how good of a pick I was before... and if you were foolish enough to let me go ... that is your loss because I will always to be the kind of girl / woman that is like fine wine. I will always get better with time. The reliance of the hart is one thing. But I'll be honest. Building myself as an independent human being is not a simple task. Not just living everyday life - that's easy. Actually placing yourself in on that fine line where you chance a lot just to be happy is difficult. There are certain elements you can't control- but I'm currently very much in the planing of my own destiny. I don't worry a lot about a lot of things anymore. I'm not defined by my 9-4 job, I'm not defined by the money in my bank accounts, Nor the art pieces I've made. I'm defined by the choices I make and the happiness I choose to pursue. I can't choose to believe that everyone on earth was created to live for themselves to make money and then die. To build nothing but YOU and that's it. I need to remind myself and remember that I should be "on-air" all the time broadcasting like show... sending signals out but not really expecting any signals back.. eventually you'll known you've done something right when your ratings are high and people demand more from you. :)

I think people should be afraid when others demand NOTHING from them.
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