Thursday, September 30, 2010

I Hate Assumptions

I Hate Assumptions
Well I was working away at my desk when the fed-ex guy that works my building comes in. I get creeped put by this guy. He's always trying to make small talk. I like ups guy better. He always seems so happy and makes the effort to actually learn my name. Anyways. Fed-ex guy asks, "are you winning?" I thought he said, "are you Winnie?" I was a bit confused. And I said, "I'm not Winnie", then he repeated himself. I said, "oh, I'm not playing games." a bit annoyed at the assumption that I was when he said he couldn't see what's on my monitor. I was working, I ended up transferring almost all the content from a current website to our newly designed site for a client of ours by the end of today- and that only took half the day.
I'm on my way to a meeting and I wonder as I take my time if I'd be early.
Well I met with the manager of a Starbucks. To see about getting art up in their store. I think personally I have to focus on producing artwork. I can't hang anything if I don't have the art. But the truth is lately my heart feels warm, the flame of inspiration seems to be returning as also envision paintings in my head. I have missed this feeling. You know when your skin crawls? Well this ... What I'll call hunger... Can be felt in the flesh. The energy you feel when something big is going to happen. This is my life. I should be making it as big as I'd like it to be.
I find it a bit strange when I show up on twitter lists... As someone who's trying to make it...or as one someone would like to meet. Lol . I still feel like my bubble only in habits the space around my by an arms length. I am no one still. No matter how successful others may perceive me to be. Success is only defined by the one who's striving for their own definition and establishment of success.

B- texts me last night in as I'm out with the boys. They sure did have fun in the Escalade. I call him as I get home to check on the situation he's having. It's not one I can really aide him with. Sometimes we all realize what who it is we should be surrounding ourselves with. And sometimes the choice of solitude can save yourself. Quality over quantity. There's a reason they made that saying up.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Happy XXVII Birthday!!

Well mmmm awesome summary? I dunno what to say. Lol. Surprises started with mom with a small bag full of gifts. And they were pretty nice too. A pair of shoes, a box of chocolates and jewelry and a tank. I wasn't expecting mom to win in her choices, but she did. I did the traditional Denny's breakfast right at midnight with god brother and two friends that I met last year too. which was nice. They rolled up in an Escalade which surprised me. I didn't know what was going on. After a little joy ride, speaking to a friend about friendship.

I went to sleep, went to work and later that day the boyfriend spoiled me. Having flowers sent to my work place. He got me a birthday card with a pair of "boo" bee's on them. Which was so cute! Dinner was at Joe Fortes (first place he wanted to take me out to dinner to), I got surf and turf and the boyfriend ordered the pasta.

A surprise birthday cake, bubbly, and a present. Mmmm seems a bit unreal, such good food. As I sat in Joe fortes I thought about this video my friend showed me on how the best ideas were created in cafe environments. Sitting in the restaurant the environment reminded me of that, a busy cafe. Then I realized why great ideas may come from these environments. When in that surrounding all your senses are triggered and being stimulated all at the same time. There's a lot of different sounds, smells, elements to look at, your touching something - hot, cold, cloth, paper, phone, plastic.. So on. And your eating. So your taste sensory is triggered as well. So why wouldn't this environment that is sending so muchinformation to your brain, begin to stimulating it to the extent of giving birth to creative and new thoughts and ideas. Maybe we unknowingly are attracted to these environments because we are not only comfortable in them, but it stimulates our minds to the extent where we need it to be exercised - just to keep our minds at ease. Maybe we enter and return to these places not solely for the food they serve, but it may be that it is our minds and senses that crave to be satisfied - more than just our taste-buds.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My birthday officially happens

My birthday officially happens
at 11am today pacific time. but around the world where the time would be 2am. Lol I asked my friends if I reserved the right to party from there on out till the 29th ends on this side of the world. How many hours of partying would that amount to? 37 hours? That's a little bit too extreme on my part. I can only pray for a good day today. And for tomorrow as well.

Lately I've been watching amine lately. I caught up on naruto and now I'm trying to catch up on bleach. Why have I been resulting to watching cartoons? Well, I felt it was about time I do what I used to do to go back, not mentally, but creatively. I admire how creative bleach is because of the fact that their intro screen to every episode is unique and different. They make the effort to have it different every time. One of the other reasons I returned to doing so is because well, for the longest time I felt it was weird. I mean it's one of those things I did with my ex for so long. But I'm quite comfortable watching it on my own. I believe the thing that's been happening with me that people might mistake the reflection of the longest relationship I've had in my life as - not being to let go. Where it's most definitely the opposite. The fact I have the ability to journal freely with these thoughts with have little emotional repercussions in the memories they hold. Says to me that my exporting of these 'thoughts' from my personal being is me letting go. May it be an attempt to release it from my breath - silently through thought - writing or spoken word. Not a lot of people express enough to let go. I'll be honest to say sometimes it poisons you without you ever realizing your thoughts, your love, and pure being has be altered by specific events that may have been applied to your heart. I must say the last few months I've been living as much as I can constantly in the moment. Loving purely is simple but not easy. That goes for life itself. Cleaning your slate is a difficult thing. It forces you to look back but at the same time, it asks you not to face it solely on emotion but rational. Realistically the only thing you should ask yourself is not, why? but what. What have you learned? What have you learned about yourself? What do you really desire? And what is it that you feel you deserve? From love, life and happiness. But what cleaning the slate does do is to allow yourself to be innocent again, and gullible in love. Regardless if you get your heart broken the same way or not, it only says you have the ability to love as much as you used to. the way that it made you happy just as much as you were / are making someone else happy.

I look at my life right now and I'm very happy :) because I know the legacy I'm currently creating will be bigger than I can imagine it to be or presently see it to be. If I choose to dream small, small opportunities will arise. If I dream big, the opportunities are endless. I don't know what I'm capable of unless I try and I can't try unless I'm willing to risk.

This 27th year will be greater than the 26th year of my life... Why? Gut instincts. I have to believe it will be. Have to believe it more than ever.

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Monday, September 27, 2010

Be Limitless

Be Limitless
I appreciate a lot more now than I did before. I have an upcoming meeting this tuesday and to be honest I'm nervous. A day before my birthday. Mmm my dreams are growing larger before me. My heart feels like - endless love coming and going. A part of me wants so much to expand my emotions and turn from the ugly emotions of this world. I should always look at the brighter side of things even though my libra side of me will always make me look at both sides of the spectrum. I should always want nothing but the best for everyone. Why? If I wish I'll will, it makes my heart sink. Makes me genuinely feel like an awful person. Speak well, Dan well. Forget what needs to be forgotten, remember the best of times, learn from the worst of times. Move forward, not backwards in life. Know evil, but not preach it. Seek to guide as you seek guidance. Don't believe you're as wise as you could be - because there's always someone out there that knows something you don't. Perfect your art - remember that a master was once a student. Believe in love. Smile when you feel it, but never fear it. If you fear love, you will regret the moment you regret to jump. If you deny the right for yourself to be happy - and to make someone just as happy - you're fooling yourself. Be selfish - you cannot please everyone, Not everyone will ever be happy with your decisions in life but the only one that should be is you. Be smart in your actions and words. Speak up - in a world that's lost it's words and emotional expression. There are those that open up - that link themselves with the world socially and do it so easily. There are those that continue to believe it is more wiser to stay quiet. If you don't speak- no one hears you. No one will know your thoughts - no one will truly know you at all. Don't say what you'll do if you are not going to do as you say. Words are only words - action shows more than you think. Action does speak louder than words. Be honest - not just with everyone around you- but you. So many of us lie to ourselves - it keeps us blinded because we want to be comfortable at all times in our lives. Saying everything is alright when they aren't. Let yourself be uncomfortable. Something happens when when we get comfortable in life. A lot of people stop trying. They stop doing things to keep things interesting and new and fun. Break from the routine. A routine is what builds the comfortable thing. So plan to do something different every week.

My weeks been one filled with people and family and friends. My Birthday is coming up and I really don't know what I really want. I guess there isn't much I really want. Besides moving out. There isn't anything in particular I am wanting from anyone be cause I'm always working towards all the things I do want. I have learned to spoil myself - now in doing so. My bf has learned in the process I may even spoil him. He may not be used to it. But hey. Wow. My current focus right now is.. How much more can I accomplish these last few days of 26th year of my life. My friends say 27 is prime. So many good things has happened to those who are now in it. It starts off crazy and runs for most the year. Then I think. My 26th year has been crazy. Went from really sick to ok again and right now lately been feeling off and on sick again. I'm not particularly stressed about anything. My eating habits have been alright. I guess I need more veggies. Maybe I have to start really stopping the rice intake and maybe bread intake. Maybe my boss is right. I maybe allergic to gluten / wheat stuff. I've been eating a bit more rice and bread this last two weeks and my skin breaks out a little and I don't feel all that well either from it. Maybe I'll go on a veggie diet when I'm at work. Ry - did something today which was super sweet. Dinner was rice and spicy chicken wings. He confesses to me he rinsed the hot wing chicken for me. Why? Cause I'm not one to take hot food very well, my spicy level intake is low and he also took in consideration of my stomach issues. My babes seems to know how to melt my heart with little things he does.

My stomach hurts. I should sleep. I have work tomorrow. :( I don't want to go to work. I just want to lay in bed and lounge and snuggle up to my boo.

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

I Think I Got It

ok, today work was hectic. Things are getting so hectic that we had to call in my back up girl to come help out. After work I go a bit birthday shopping for myself. Then I head home for dinner and then a photography shoot. Vik needed the practice and I - I need the shots. Anyways - A while back ago I messaged someone. I simply asked how they were doing and they replied back with the assumption that I'm looking for sex from them. This thought totally disgusts me. I'm genuinely trying to show some care to ask / wan to know how someone is doing to only have it turned on me. Why? Why is it so bad to ask someone how they are doing, regardless of who they are.

I'm tired - My innocent wonderment of the well being of others get turned and thrown back into my face as some other twisted idea and malicious attempt of some sort, or some other hidden meaning. Like it's so wrong to just care.

Have you ever questioned the purity of your own heart?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

No Music No Love

No Music No Love

I've been living without my headphones for 3 days now going to work and this silence, no music around me *sigh* makes me feel a little empty. Does music feed my soul?

I've been thinking if I should tell my dad I'm thinking of moving out. No, not just thinking, I should be well on my way to planing it. If I rather choose happiness, why am I still at home? Where my input counts for shit. Where I struggle to be happy. My dog is driving me nuts. Now it's midnight / whatever AM barking.

I'm going to express what I've been thinking lately, that's been weighing on my shoulders. At home, no questions are asked, perhaps the most by be, but answers are rarely replied that satisfies the needs to fulfill them. In my home, I will never be thin enough, smart enough, good enough of a daughter, anywhere close to a perfect housewife, I perceive to have no passion, wasted talent, no give - all take.

Knowing that I should not believe this perception of myself - is much more easier said than done. How do you ignore the man that's been chanting the fact you've never been good enough for most of your living - breathing life. And thus - a turn of events in the situation of others also has made me feel - I was not good enough. I won't give details and won't answer any questions that pertain to it either.

There's always the difference between saying you're going to do something and actually doing it. I guess I rather be acting on what I want than just saying I'm going to.

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Hot and Sweet Please

Hot and Sweet Please
Monday. After work. My bf comes and picks me up from work to chauffeur me home. I hearts him . >_< omg. Anyways. During our drive home we went to go pick up something. I'll tell you one great thing about my guy is that he's super considerate. I noted I had to go pee. And he asks if I can hold it or we find the closest gas station. Why on earth would I find this considerate? I'm just used to the, too bad so sad answer where it would lead me to having to hold it in and almost bust a bladder. Anyways my guy's super sweet to stop at the nearest station for me. I head home to drop my stuff off and my guy drops me off at a Starbucks where I'm meeting up with a friend I haven't seen in ages.
I see mr. Jeremy - he was a funny guy in school. Ugh loved his personality. Underneath it - smarts. Never discount people. The smart ones never show how smart they really are until you start to notice them. - let's continue. I go in and have the hardest time deciding. I'm usually a cold drinks drinker. But since I was feeling a bit cold. I thought that a hot drink would be best. DJ walks in just as I'm staring at the menu. I get lost in the thought. Since I'm not a big hot drink drinker- I have no clue what's good and what's not. I let DJ decide. Hot and Sweet please. :)
DJ - what can I say about DJ. DJ to me was never really close in high school. He's the good looking halfer guy who was / is the best friend of one of my high school ex's. We never had a lot of classes together till our senior year. Seems like a series of them actually now I think about it. History, English, french, entrepreneurship, Mmm what else I can't remember. We've sat and chatted before, but never sat and chatted like we did now. See there was probably one intriguing thing about DJ to me. I don't know what it is. I know him, but not that well. It's that... Something more than meets the eye. A part of me has this gut feeling that what I pursue with our paths crossed is meant to be. I dreamt of him once vaguely, and perhaps the series of events that happens from here on out may just lead to the out come of the dream. Maybe a part of me is wanting to see if my dream does all of a sudden Dejavu and happens. Oh it's nothing big really. There's always been a number of people that have secretly drawn an unknown attraction with me. This is not a sexual one. One of those things where a part of you takes note of someone, like in your gut- you should remember them, know them, at least try to befriend them. Surprisingly DJ was one of these people, the other ones are actually in my close social circle now as well. It's very strange, maybe I should have walked up to them and befriended these people years ago on gut feeling, lol, I really don't know where we would be if I had. DJ and i's conversation sparked a few thoughts, reminders, even new ideas. My gut feeling tells me I need a vacation, solo if possible. I need to move out. ( a part of me wants to be able to do this in / within 6 months ) . It really is hard to be creative in an environment that is engulfed and controlled by a person than unknowingly stabs you with his words that cuts like a knife. More importantly. I need to be doing. To even - say I am.
Just today I had a last minute meeting with Sundeep. Not only him but his brother, and Mali. Sundeep tells me that he wouldn't mind making the song which I wrote for his beats - my track. Now I have to practice and practice and I'll be heading into the studio anytime in the following weeks. I always knew this day would come, just never expected it to be so soon. Doesn't mean I'll back down. Everyone has to move forward if I want to reach thei goals.
Tomorrow i have another meet up with a friend. Vik- photoshoot. Can't wait.

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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

No Sacrifices, No Gains

No Sacrifices, No Gains
Well during the week, I wanted to go clubbing on Friday. Yet as Friday came closer and closer I was upset about the fact the bf had traded his work day to work that day. I wasn't upset about not being able to go, it was more about the word that he had said he would go with me. He apologized but oh well. Not everything can go your way. Suck it up and turn the situation. I end up finish writing the lyrics to the beats that Esjay had provided me and ended up recording it that night and sending off my version of the song to him for review. He enjoys it and tells me that we should make that an actual song. That I have to practice hard now. Hmmm never though the day would come so soon. Actually working towards a song to be released for public ears. Hmm makes me nervous but then I think about the fact that it's no different than having some one see your artwork. It's the same basis. One sacrifice for the night was another step towards a goal.

Saturday- Ry got off work at 7am in the morning. He actually let me drive from my place all the way back to his. I thought he would rest but he was nervous as it was pretty long distance. I didn't tell him it was my first time driving in rain and it was pretty pouring. But we made it home safe and sound. It's not that I can't drive. I just need to practice. I didn't do much sat- it was a good lazy day. When we got home we slept till 1pm or was it 2? After that Ry did leave me in his room by myself for a while as he went and ran some errands but I played my DS and kingdom hearts. I don't even know how far I am in the game. But Mmm I didn't mind.

Sunday - wows no sleeping in day. Woke up early to shower and get ready to head down to abbotsford for Honda Way first annual car show. There was food, live performer. (Elvis impersonator and dancers ) . A silent auction. There were over 80 cars and Ry won second place. The other trophies when to a classic ford that was so old school that you had to crank the engine to get the car going. And it had wooden rims, a horn that you had to squeeze an air pump thing to make it sound. Lol it was pretty cool. The day was a wet one with random showers and dry sunny peeks through the clouds. Thunder and lightning, and pours again. It was off and on, but everyone stayed till the end of it. I bid on a philips sound system where you can plug your iPhone/ iPod into the dock and play your music. And it's also a clock and alarm as well, radio, etc. Values at 150$ - 170$ and I bid 75$ and won. Good deal right :p. All proceeds from the show went to Canuck place - it was pretty awesome event which I have a hunch will grow larger next year. At least I hope so. After the show we went to eat with some new people I was introduced to by Ry. Some Ry didn't even know. Lol we went to Wings in Surrey. I had one of the typical moments that I've gotten quiet used to. The - being the only girl at the table. They kept calling Ry - Bobby Lee. I don't think he looks like him at all. But oh well. Dinner was good. The other boys were set on going crabbing as me and Ry decided to call it a day. I like their mentality were they didn't let the rain damper on their plans. I hate the rain. The being wet and cold feeling. Blah. We we ended up going by shoppers to spend this 10$ gift certificate I had gotten not too long ago. But it was expiring the day of so we went. I got nail polish and ice cream. Wow- ten dollars sometimes doesn't get a lot. Then again it depends on how you spend it. At night we put on a movie. Lock, stock, and two smoking barrels. I couldn't believe the people in the movie. Sting?! Lol wow. That movie was one of those well round about movies. Where the story comes full circle with crazy events that all collide with one another.

Well that was my weekend.

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Thursday, September 16, 2010

The unknown sadness.

The unknown sadness.
Well actually it's not exactly unknown. But for the most part, it gets harder to shake it, it's taking longer. Lacking emotional control? Maybe I'm PMSing and my visitor is on it's way. I've been eating breakfast later, that maybe one of the reasons I've been feeling sick. I'm breaking out uncontrollably and seems like the new and expensive face wash isn't doing what I'd like it to. But then again i haven't been using it that long.

I've been thinking of hitting up the library downtown and just spending a few hours going through some Asian art books. As good as online is with easy access to visual information, I still like the fact I'm holding something physical in my hands. And it's easier on my hands.

My birthday is coming up and I've been debating what I want to get myself. I realized I really need a new comp. That reminds me that it wasn't too long ago I had to upgrade my laptop. The Pc downstairs keeps telling me there isn't enough memory. I hate the Pc popups with a vengeance and now I start to think if I should just get the imac. My option number two is a ps3 for self indulgence and visual fun. Little big planet 2 is coming out soon in November. And it's a bonus that it plays blueray dvd's. But I hope they are backwards compatible. To play the games I have. Mmm i can get both but one will have to wait till the end of October. Oh and then there's the bigger TV. Just yesterday I say futureshop's having a huge sale. A 42 inch flat screen tv for 500$. Is a pretty good deal isn't it?

I've been super tired and not wanting to go to works. Perhaps it's this sucky weather. I want summer back. I have yet fallen back in love with the rain.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Brighter Than The Last

Another day and for some reason today seems Brighter than the last, not just weather wise, but emotionally. I didn't sleep till late last night, setting up the perfected wiring of the earrings that I've been making. Baby pink, blue and purple are my colors so far. The pair I'm wearing today is a tester with beading to weigh down these super light earrings. I kept losing my original pair- but always found the other like ... Well fate. Anyways. As I stood there waiting for the sky train this morning I figured out my birthday wish. Hmmm ... I don't particularly believe in .. If I tell people, it won't come true. So here it is.

I wish for you to be happy, loved and cared for. Not just for tomorrow, or the day after, but for the rest of your life. You. Because you are / were / still some one I once / currently love. You are still in the spectrum of my thoughts, thus still in the realm of my heart and love. Though I have not been able to give you as much as I wish I did. Happiness, joy - love. I hope for years to come, in some way I do. Whether it be in an action, a word, a phrase or even a memory of me. Even if it's not from me, I hope you feel it - Loved. I can wish for nothing more than for that. For you to be happy, because when you are - then I am as well.

Why have I chosen to wish this for my birthday. Well, I may choose to be even more selfish this upcoming year. These words may become lost through my actions. But my thoughts will always be there. The love. But the love of me will be even greater. The degree of love for all around me won't falter, but the bar for myself will be pushed. I think about all the energy I've given to others only to question where the equivalent of it can go. To where it should be. I can't bother with if other people are happy. I can only pray they are. I have to pursue mine. I know like the last... I have this gut feeling that this 27th year will be life altering like the last. It's been a crazy year. I hope for even more, cause I'm more game. I can't ask more from others, only me. Let's walk through time together even more. Let's make history.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I've been ignoring my diary duties..

I've been ignoring my diary duties..
Ahh but I've been making these earrings. Trying to perfect them before I start to make more and sell them. However it takes a while to make. Maybe I'll make some for my give away.

In another entry I had laughed at someones misfortune. When I shouldn't. I've started to worry and feel a bit sad about the situation and life altering choices that they have to make now. I've even come back to think about that theory of how messed up it is that you can become perfect strangers with someone you used to love. Mmmm well I still keep in touch with most of my ex's but. I still care for them in the sense I want them to be well and happy. There it is again. Miss Too Nice for her own good. I should wish them happiness in this time, that they have help. Here is my prediction. They will in this time, discover the love of their family. How great their parents are to them. Because families all have a choices. To cope, to aide, and to turn away. Growing up is hard to do... Doing it all at once in a short amount of time is a big lesson. Although perhaps it was karma. ( a few friends have said this ). I pray for love and happiness to be there now. Regardless, because a small part of me that will always love them - will always wants nothing but the best for them. As for me- I have to stop thinking of their happiness and focus on mine. Be happy with my life. Because I'm still trekking the path I'm creating as I go. I have great friends that are just as good as great family. Because I do love my friends just as much. I just never tell them.

I have and feel love from a great guy. Oh just the other day he confessed to me he wanted to star watch with me. LOL. I thought I was hearing stuff - but just him saying he'd like to do that with me was... Pretty romantic in a sense. Lol he better bring a blanket. Or I'd be a pee bug all night. Oh wait. If it's dark enough.. I'd go in the bushes... Just as long as he's there to cover me like on our Calgary road trip. ♥

My friend Bruce said it was a good thing that me and Ry already have great stories together. That - that's what some great relationships are made of. I look back and I fall in love with certain moments. They bring a smile to my face. I won't ask for more than that- happiness.

Monday, September 13, 2010

My latest Obession

Lately I've been trying to per-fect how to make these earrings. I want to make a set for my friend for Christmas cause I said I would.. a few years back but a lot of stuff happened and well ... I've decided if they are cool enough... I'll stick some on ebay to see how well they sell and also just make some for prizes for my give away time.

earrings 1earrings 2

I got a chance to sit and talk to Sundeep my friend today.... another well needed sit down and chat. :) it was .. nice.

Go Go Go Morning

You know those mornings where you just wake up and just go - go - go? Well I had one of those this morning. I spoke to cousin Jonny the other night. It was nice to chat and see what's going on with the Lee's. When I was cousin Bruce's house, I was talking about movIng out in the near future. He suggested that perhaps I look into asking uncle Hon about renting out the basement. Man I would love to live there and steal Rocky for runs. Aww I miss Rocky :( . But I know it would be awkward if I did. I know uncle Hon and fa would invite me up if there was a family get together held at their house. Cousin Jonny said it would be cool to have someone he knew living downstairs. Lol- I think my door would be open to him any time he needs to rant. Wait ... Maybe not all the time. He'd have to text me first. Hahaha.
Man - I got a new beat from Sundeep yesterday and it's so mad crazy!! I love it. He keeps getting better and better. I feel like I have to step up my game.
I've had a few ideas for sketches and art work lately. But I guess my fear is flushing it out. Mmm I had a weekend of babies and I kinda miss them :( . Sis told me their house is now up for sale. I wonder where she's goIng to relocate. I hope it's easy to get to. Damn I better get I license soon.
I've been trying to push my body to stand the irritable back pain I have. I stretch it out. It's not as bad as before. Indont know if it's a muscle or a joint pain. It's not pain pain anymore just... Annoying slight .. Ok it's pain. But with me.. I have a high tolerance for pain. I think it will get better the more I work it out and stretch it out.

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Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Morning Chatter

Running on low sleep. It's been hard for me lately to go to sleep. I find myself laying in bed just thinking. It was the same way when I was really sick. I'd just feel so unproductive to just sleep. I could be doing something. Then the realist me comes in to say that I need to sleep to have energy for tomorrow. My sun color is fading and my winter paleness is coming back. I've been doing a mix of things at home. I should be doing laundry, but since the dog slept on the bed with me last night, I guess I have to wash my sheets now too. I love the sun or at least when the sun is out in Vancouver. I cN take one day of rain for a week of sunshine. I absolutely love it! I've been in good spirits and have been busy thinking business wise. I'm back to the thought that I need to do this and that. I slowed down due to my artist block but I've been trying to push through it. I have been buying art supplies and other items to help me through it. I'm starting to love the feeling when I look really fabulous in the morning, when my stomach is flat cause in my dreams I'd been running around. All my muscles are tense till I wake up. This makes me think if I should get the dr. Hoes thing that dies the deep tissue massage thing. I think I'm slimming again. Mostly due to the fact that I'm not hungry. I'll eat within the first three hours of waking up. I'll snack and unknowing metabolism has gone up. I snack around ten. Then at twelve and then around 3:30. Which means when I get home I want to eat right away cause you should snack two hours before a meal. My dad doesn't understand why I eat right when I do eat without him. It's not that I mean to be rude to my dad. It's just I need to eat. I start getting stomach pains and sometimes even a headache. I guess this is my morning rant. Ugh- mom's coming back from Malaysia on Monday. I dread he hoarding ways and the fact I'd have to think about that. I have been neglecting chores at home a lot. Thus forcing my dad to clean ( he hates this and I do it purposely ) because when he cleans he's not just sticking his head in a book or watching tv or sleeping. It's not that I don't clean, it's the fact I won't be here to do it for them when I move out so he needs to understand that. He has that thought that I just don't clean. I'm sorry dad - I've sacrificed enough being your maid. You can take that "I'm trying to train you to be the perfect housewife" train of thought and shove it down your throat. Just cause I don't clean as much as I used to - every other day because of the fact that I work all the time now - I don't appreciate the fact that you believe I should do so much more work at home compared to you. The fact that I wake up and leave the house for work before you, I also return home from work later than you. I come home and do little things to prepare for something - art, filming, blogging, crafts. I'm basically always working towards something. I may neglect to take care of you, but when I live with the one I love I will love them and care for them without question. Clean after them, cook for them, do their laundry. I do this out of love, not because I should, but I'm willing to love them as I love myself. Maybe one day when you read this you'll know. But chances of that are low. You'll continue not to know me because you never take the time to ask. Thus I'll never take the time to tell you. I don't need your negative energy around me so much so that it cuts my creativity. I didn't stop art because it's dirty - I love getting down and dirty. It's because in feel no love for it sometimes. I need to fall back in love with all I do. 

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Get Up And Walk Away

My good days get clouded by the end of the day when I come home, sit at the table and then hear whatever it is he has to say to me.

This morning I didn't even want to get out of bed, but I did. I pulled myself out of bed, showered and then I got ready and went to work. I rarely eat breakfast at home anymore, there's never food I can / want / don't like to eat. I'd buy stuff for breakfast but I'd just get an earful of what I shouldn't eat and I should stop buying crap food to eat cause that's the reason why I gain weight and am fat. [ I seriously need to move out ] YUP - that's right. Anyways... you know how crazy wonderful it is when you just listen to some music and then ... you feel just right. That's what happened to me this morning. I was listening to my headphones and I was feeling so fantastic I was so excited, not about work. More about ... LIFE. I play Kingdom Hearts on my hello kitty covered case DS - on my way to work. I don't get very far but I'm trying to finish the game before I get the psp one. I go to Jugo Juice and get a smoothie to eat with some delicious raincoast crisps. [ I'm so addicted to them -_- ] . That basically was my breakfast. I work away. I sliced up one web design and coded the html and css for it. Started another web design. Been pretty busy lately 2 logos and 3-4 websites in the span of 4 weeks. I would say that's pretty intense and apparently enough for me to handle. I check and see before I left work that my packaged arrived so I rush home to prep my bicycle - pump up the tires - strap on the new lock I got for it. In the process of rushing there before it closes my dad had to tell me something to relay to my brother. I'm trying to get all the stuff for heading out ready and my dad gets mad at me for not stopping everything I'm doing to talk and listen to what he had the say. I said, "can't this wait till I get back?". He goes on and on and I stand a listen to him and leave. I went to the post office and got my package and rode home. :) My hats.. :) Well one is for me and one I got for Ry, I didn't know what else to get from the Tokidoki site so I got something for him. -_-. I come home and it's near dinner time. I sit down to eat with my dad. [ I dread these moments because I know he's going to say something to insult me, or someone, or complain or comment about the food he bought and cooked and how much they were. Fuck I hate talking about money and food in the same subject content. ] My dad talks and talks ( he's a babbling brook. ) He says how rude it is of me not to look at him as we talk. [ I'll you you all know something, I'm only rude towards my dad. He's probably one of the people I'm super rude to only because on the basis that he's rude to me. That's it. Judge me, scold me, call me names .. I can go on but I don't want to sit here all night. But WOW - I never thought someone who claims to be SO smart! Say such ignorant and things that are just so insulting to the point it disgusted me and I had to leave the table. My future brother in law is gay. My dad said... wow, his parents must be so sad.  [ What? dad - are you serious ?- Did those words just come out of your mouth? ] Then he instructs me to advise my sister not to let him hold the baby anymore. [ At this point, I'm disgusted my dad would even say anything of this nature. I'm going to be honest to say - it's a pure asshole thing to say. ] My question to him was, "Why?"  He looks at me like I don't know, or that I must be stupid. To be honest I was looking at him seriously shocked at the fact that he would even say such a thing and I want an intelligent reply from an some what intelligent man. He says to me stunned - "Why?? ( like he can't believe I asked why. ) " He goes to say that it's not because he's Gay, because 89% of gay people have diseases and aids. [ At this point.. I'm done. I don't want to hear anymore, I don't even want to be in his presence. I start to finish up my plate of food.] He goes on to talk about all the places of the homes of the buildings he's gone to go fix the appliances in that is in the downtown gay district of town. How he won't even dare to touch anything in their homes. [ For someone who says they are so much smarter than me. The words that come out of his mouth are so disrespectful and unintelligent, it breaks a part of my soul off and crushes it. ] I get up, I tell my dad I'm done - [ Done listening to him talk ] - grab the bowl of soup that I wasn't finished with, walk off the the sink to put my dish down  and bring the soup to my room to finish. I don't know how he does it. A little bit of everyday I spend with him I want to spend it more apart. I've tried God, I've tried to love him but he's my biggest heartbreaker, soul crusher, ladder knocker - EVER. [ Ladder knocker - you climb it, he'd knock you off ] Why does he bother me so?!  *sigh*

Monday, September 06, 2010

Random Simple Smiles

I wake up in the morning and if I feel the slight chill in the air. I pull the blanket over me and unknowingly I'll search for the warmth of your body. When I'm alone, I have to remind myself, - I'm not in your bed and you're not beside me. I give a little sigh and wiggle myself into the pillows around me and imagine that - I am and you are - before I doze back off to sleep. I smile at the little things you do. How I notice you pull the blanket up to cover my shoulders if they are ever baring to chilled air, you do it so you make sure that I am kept warm. ♥ I smile when you hold my hand, even if we're just laying beside one another in bed, even when I'm snuggled up to you. You'll still want to hold my hand. I have to remind myself that you'll get the door for me cause you're that kind of gentlemen.  ♥ Thank You.

So Much & So Little

... You have raised me, yet never really raised me. You love me, but never really feels like you loved me. You support me, yet it never feels very supportive. You assume, but will never know. You question, yet never ask the right questions. Dad, it really feels like you will never know who I am and all of what it is I do. To you, I will never be smart enough. You say I have talent, but no skills. That.. I think I'm smart, but everyone looks at me and thinks... I'm SO STUPID.

One of the biggest things that I shouldn't let get to me, easily does. My dad maybe one of the reasons I'm a blocked artist. The image and thought that I am and will never produce anything good enough to his standards. I shouldn't be creating for him, nor for anybody else but me. Then the thought of his voice pops in my head and it poisons my soul to say. How can you be a great artist if you're painting what other people don't like. See? Do you see why I'm stuck? My conversation with my father today on the car ride over to my sisters place was a little bit of a slap in the face. The gist of it is that he believes we don't ask enough questions / seek advice from him / anyone to be good enough to be successful. I said that he never asks us anything about what we do / how we are doing, so we never tell him. I said that I would never tell him every little thing I'm up. His reply was that he's so tired of asking, he doesn't care to ask. [ My dad has never really asked us how we are doing... he's notorious for scolding and that's it. ]  He continues to say we're stupid, that we never ask for advice. I would never really ask for advice from my dad because... he would have no clue about anything to do with art or art business. There's no point in conversing with someone that constantly knocks you down when they should be the one to support and hold you up. I really don't know why I'm still living in my house, as sad as my environment is. I'm more content away from it than when I'm there. I guess it's me growing out of my pond - it's soon time for me to swim out to sea.

There is only so much one can take and so little of the amounts you get back. You start to ask what your worth and what it is you're willing to sacrifice.

Friday, September 03, 2010

I Have A Secret Goal

I have a goal... But I won't tell you. Apparently people who announce their goals are less likely to follow through.... Elaborate later.. Sleep now

Ok. It's 8am and I'm on my way to work. Here is the gist of it. If you talk about your goals it will in your mind set feel like it's already accomplished and you'll fall through on it. I kind of think this is bs. I mean I say my goals... I follow through because I always keep my word. Maybe the rest of the people in this study are part of that population that does not do what they say... Only says what they'll do but are full of shit. I put my goals out there to remind myself I already said I'd do it. No takies backies kind of deal. I do have a secret goal, but the success of this goal cannot be achieved on my own. Time will tell if it comes true. More like a hope my life goes well and according to the fates that be.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

One Year Better Than The Next

I guess everyone should look at life from this perspective. That next year will ultimately be better than the last. Me and Ry had a informative talk last night. He's obviously one of those guys that are in the mind set that he has to be able to hold his own and be able to provide. I think that kind of mind set is hard to come by these days [ believe it or not, or I've just dated a lot of loser ass holes .. anyways... ] I maybe just used to the fact of always being reminded in the past that I can't rely on that factor and in turn I've become over the years independent and building somewhat of a strong foundation for myself. [ I guess the truth of the matter is that the thought that - that someone will not always be there - the one that says they always will. Knowing I can't always fall back on that thought - that they will be there. ] Is it all that weird to have a girlfriend who's willing to say... Look - I'm here, not really asking for much unless you want more. I'm trying to build my life, as you are trying to build yours. It would be nice to even build a life together ... but that's a big step... I'm getting myself set and ready and I'll let you know when I am ... and I hope when you feel like you're ready... you'll let me know. I want to be able to take care of you just as much as I know you want to be able to take care of me.

Maybe I'm just one of those people when in a relationship that you're able to see a future with someone. It's either all or nothing. When it's all... it's I want to be able to provide in the sense of feeding, clothing, housing, and what not.. give time to emotional, mental, physical, financial support if / when it's needed. If you're not able to sacrifice time or effort for any of these things and support the person you're with... how are you loving them at all? If you're giving nothing - it's not really a real relationship - you're just wasting time.

My foundation is getting there, next year will clearly be stronger than this year. Have to be smarter, wiser, more open to everyone around me.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Creatively Refreshing

Wow, I just watched the movie Scott Pilgrim Vs The World. I must say I haven't watched anything that was so visually refreshing in such a long time. I mean it is the movie for our generation, anyone who was born in the 80's I guess. References to sound becoming visuals remind me of batman. The VS. battles remind me of street fighter and mortal combat. ( yes I know what those games are, I used to be a tom boy and play those games with my guy friends on super NES and a game console that was once called the Sega - damn what ever happened to that system? } The animated visuals that seem to streamline the thoughts of our imagination are brought out beautifully in some strange way with well coordinated music as well. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. So mind blowing and I was giggling / laughing out loud every five to ten minutes .. I think it may have even been shorter. All I can say is I loved it. Awesome! Go see it if you haven't. I don't think it would bore you unless you're too old or too young to understand all the references that this movie is pulling from. I'm so glad to see a Canadian film so wildly entertaining, so well put together in visual, storyline and I even enjoyed a lot of the music. WOW... I would so buy this movie when it comes out on DVD... can't wait.

POW! Right In The Kisser

Sometimes life likes to do that to you, punch you in the face. That's just how life works. It's pretty late, I'm tired yet I'm waiting for my hair to dry so in the process I thought I would just blog a bit. I get a bit of news today and I can't help but laugh at someone's life's misfortune due to the consequence of their own actions. That's mean isn't it. I look back and I think, even though I haven not succeeded a lot this year to my expectations, I've accomplished a lot. A lot more than what a lot of other people has the opportunity to say. I can only hope for an even better upcoming year. I've hit 500+ subscribers on youtube, that's half way to one of my life goals. :) . My work is currently constantly expanding ( even though it's only graphic design ). I'm youtubing my fine arts - this is baby steps to success. Because I now drew interest of my bf onto my book, I'm editing it again once more and sending chapters to him to read and review. I even finished the book. The chapter I was missing was written a few weeks back. I took the initiative to create 2 more blogs one devoted to short stories and one purely for my fine arts and notes and instructions. [ I always wanted to start these, they won't be updated all the time but they will be filled with useful information and spurts of creativity. ] I finally upgraded my flickr account to pro, so I can upload as many images as I like - thus pushing myself to expand and dive more into photography as well. All these things may seem so much - but the truth is, a part of me says - if I don't start this now... I would probably never start it later.

I'm falling asleep... will blog tomorrow.

Oh yes and I upgraded my phone and have data. I'm basically... reachable and ready to work more now, write more, blog more.