Thursday, October 07, 2010

Listening

Listening
I don't know how to, if I should bother at all. Sitting down with my dad and telling him everything that I'm doing. I wonder will he listen? I am the last of us. The only one still living at home. If things don't change. I see no point to stay. He demands and pushes and throws his thoughts and ideas and dislikes all around but refuses to listen. I'm saddened at the thought that maybe just maybe I have to say. Do you never question why we have left your side? I've stayed so long out of wonder if you could ever do it on your own. Live together - mom and dad. Without us. My dad apparently randomly calls my sister all the time. He scolds her like any of us. I wonder does he ever bite his tongue. Sometimes My heart yearns for my master Letty, wishing she was still here. She seemed wise and humble enough to put my dad on a different path of thinking. He actually listened to her. Her aura was amazing. You felt it when you were around her, like you can hug it. I no longer do the things I used to. I got the usual yelling today cause it slipped my mind to tell my dad that I'm not eating dinner. He gets so frustrated. He asked demandingly how I will ever raise a family. Before I left, he only asked if I was going to hockey. I said hockey was only in spring. Then he told me not to play hockey. Dad- would you like to take my life. Cause ten years plus ago..your ways almost made me end it. I don't think I've ever heard the words it's great that you... I believe you can... Or I'm so proud... I know the people of your generation- they are not in lacking if encouragement. I feel as though positivity does not live in this house. It is why i let it dwell in me. Sometimes it feels he tries to snuff it out. He yelled at me today - saying that this isn't a hotel. Coming and going as I like. Did I ever blog about the time my dad blamed me for trying to rip the family apart. Wow - that day was a shocker. You see my dads definition of building a family is sitting together an eating. That - if a family eats together, stays together. I don't believe this. Why. We have ate together for years and we barely talk - parents to kids about personal growth subjects or anything that was of any benefit. It has always been as thigh dad always had a story. He's a banking brook. But we - even when we know we're right has to bow down in respect, even to the wrong. This is what I do in sticky confrontations. I try to avoid . Not because I wouldn't know how to handle the situation, it's I wouldn't know how to handle myself. I know my temper. How my heart hates hating. Even venting about my dad. Makes me wish he was different. Has he ever considered the fact that we would be so much more successful if he was more positive? I wonder how many successful people in the world was the stem and root or negative parents. And how many negative people are actually truly successful and happy with their lives. Can they see past what their failures to appreciate what has been accomplished?

I miss my guy. Mmm so much so I'm a bit sad about it. He's like sunshine.
I met up with a few buds today to discuss more work. Mmm doesn't really feel like work. More like a project. I'm starting to believe that my next electronic toy may be an iMac. Why? Because I've already purchased some stuff for it - software etc. I enjoy meeting up with buds. They keep my mind distracted and focused on more important matters.
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