Friday, October 01, 2010

Nothing

Nothing
( time:8:30am )Ahh I have to do my morning pages but I've got nothing to really write about. Man I've been working my butt off lately. A big part of me wants to just hibernate, but another part's all about the go-go-go. That I want my days to be fun filled and full of happiness. I want to laugh out loud at least once a day. Just to release the heavy load of whatever it is that builds onto my chest. I'm so happy I'm going into October - debt free. It feels good. Feels like ... Really starting anew. Lol not in the sense of anything particular in my life but something.

I had a dream this morning about some kind of outbreak when I was on vacation or somethin' with Ry- I don't remember much but I do remember dragging him into the safe haven that I had been offered by generous strangers. I woke up early this Morning to finish the cover art for Mali's song that's releasing tomorrow. I wish I had more images to select from with no regulations applied onto them. This means I have to go out and do more photography.

Ry gave me a gift certificate for future shop and I'm torn to what I should use it on. Right now it feels as though there are certain things I can do without and aim for other things. PC or iMac? Camera lens? PS3? Complete my dragonball collection? ( time continued: 4:25 ) There's one thing I have to ask myself. Is what I want And need the most at the same time. Then my brain switches to perhaps none. At least right now it does. I wish I could say I feel fantastic today, but I would be lying. I've been eating alright lately. Nothing I can see to make me sick. But I am. Some days is the nauseous mornings and sometimes it's just gross stomach feeling after I've eaten. But today.. What can I say? Day 2 after my birthday and one of the major symptoms comes back. It scares me. I don't cry - anymore. My heart sinks a bit, then I'm reminded why I have to push it to the extreme. Why I maybe here today and gone tomorrow. And I still look at and ask - what have I left behind? And I still feel- not enough. Wow I'm trying so hard not to cry on the skytrain as I write this ... Surrounded by strangers. Maybe I should really consider going to get fully checked out for it. But can you blame me if I'm too scared to really know.

Let's change the topic. I had to go buy tights today because the ones I was wearing... Had a discovery of a hole in it. I took a late break today and went boot stalking. I'm looking for an awesome pair I can wear for a while, with shorts, and over the knee. It's hard to pick. But I have a few in mind but my problem is finding them in a size 5-5.5 . it sucks being little sometimes.

I sent off the cover art to my friends and they loved it. I wish I could flush awesome designs and paintings out all the time in an hour. I would bank so much - all the time.

*sigh* lifes not about making money, there isn't enough time to provided for you to make enough to satisfy your hunger because you'll always want more. Then you'll realize - it's not about the money I make during my lifetime ... But the time I make to spend those moment that defines that I really have a life. Love and passion may not put food on the table, but anyone can make money, food may feed my body, but love and passion feeds my soul.

I've been keeping myself busy. Spending so much time with the ones that seem to now book for my time. Me - I'll always make the effort if they do :). I'll keep saying words from the heart, keep writing them, because someone will read them. Someone may even return to read them. Get to know me a little more - or be re-introduced to someone they never knew. My words have already changed the minds and thoughts of some - some that believed they knew me. Then they admittedly return to say... ' Well, I've been reading your blogs and you're .... Than I thought you we're. '. None have been bad - which is good. I guess . I think I have to learn to be less shy. Hard to believe to some people. But if I get nervous I try to fight it. Nervous to me is a feeling of fear ... And with that said I shouldn't be nervous ... I just don't have time to spare..

My flowers were about to die, but they seem to be better now they are soaking up the water and flower food in my nice tall vase. Maybe the vase is a few inches taller than I thought it would be to the flowers. But the air in my room is fresher. I should nap, but so much to do, so little time.
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