Friday, October 08, 2010

Package For Me?

Package For Me?
Yesterday dad calls me to ask if I'm going to be home for me to see why a package came. Actually two came. One was a shaw digital cable box that I didn't order. I just keep over paying my bills and when I told dad that he went all paranoid crazy saying that that's how the companies rip you off and that Canada is a rip off country. Really. Why do you still live here? Anyways - I don't know why he is being bitchy about the fact that I put on almost 200 every second month for the cable, Internet, and phone. And that's only for home. I still have to pay my stuff. Dad always throw a fit about stuff but when it's come to me, I'm one of those ones where my dad has never had to fork out money for my cellphone, the furniture in my room, my clothes, my books, my computer. I can move out and half furnish an apartment let me think what would be missing. A mattress, television and a couch. Appliances .. That's if I got a house. Maybe I can furnish almost a whole apartment. I have a lot of personal furniture in my house. My whole plan was when I was ready to move out... I was ready. Didn't really have to worry about the furniture I don't have, either did my significant other about what we should spend to fill the place. I thought about all this when I was with trev. We split and the ours get split with what is your-s and mine-s - and sooner or later you become strangers again. Strange - has my brain learned to forget? I can hardly recall the memories. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I really have just wiped the memories to save myself. I know they were good, but they weren't that good enough - since we failed one another in the end. Living in my home- feels like my own place, except there are two entities there that like to live their own lives and throw in their opinions in the end. In starting to live like - they are room mates with attitude. Disturb your way of living and happiness, I truly believe I'm currently failing in my health because I'm not eating right anymore. For a while I was so set on what I eat and what not. Then my dads chirping in my ear- I don't even eat at home anymore - if I do nothing more than a handful. Why? If I got cereal , he'll bitch that too much milk is bad for me. If I for veggies, he said raw veggies are bad with all the pesticides. If I got fruits he said too much is bad too. I make protein shakes, then he'll say the whey protein I put in it is bad and not to eat it. He says I should eat what he eats. I'm sorry your stomach fat is more than mine. Sometimes I want to say- do you want to take my life right now? Since you strongly make it clear that I'm a fuck up? Aah that's enough daddy hate for today. Anyways we got a shaw digital box in the mail, my dad wants to ask how much and what not and if it costs money we'll sent it back. My dads complaining about something he doesn't pay for. Yup, and there was also a ups shipment for me and turned out that it was my apple
iPhone case. I love getting packages in the mail. Like presents :p. I don't even know how I'm going to pick that up from ups.
Getting a seat on the train these days are rough, my buds ask why I haven't finished my book. Well I read on the train, only when I get a seat. And I got one for two stops and gave it up to a pregnant lady when I noticed her standing next to me cause everyone else around me seems to be assholes. Fuck you selfish people. I hope you get pregnant and no one gives their seats to you... -_- ***hate*** lol. Wow.
She seemed surprised when I got up and offered her my seat. I've gotten that a few times these few years. The shock of courtesy. Where has the live gone?
Anyways .... Mmm I've been trying to zone in on me with all these random thoughts about me. Since I'm sick, with a slight cough, I'm going to refrain from seeing the baby this week. And actually try to weasel my way downstairs. My dad's going to bitch about me not doing anything . More than half the Downstairs has my sweat put into it. So shut the fuck up. You do one room and your bitchy. Anyways I'm still debating. Try to get my point across why I want to swap rooms with my brother.. Or not bother and move out. In debating to swap rooms with someone who's not in the country. Why. Mmm want my reasoning? Besides the studio and work space and me getting to actually have people over? If I was to move into the guest room, it will one- not hold all my furniture. Then this leaves my room - currently - bare. If I turn that into a guest room, my mom will take over it and fill it with crap. Her hoarding ways are too much to deal with. If I swap rooms with my brother. She won't touch his room. His room has been left untouched and unchanged since he left what 4/5 months ago? More so. If I move downstairs, I won't get that- you're being too loud. The stupid wake up call I never need. The chance to just have my own domain. Dad says No, cause he just doesn't wants me to have my way, arms length all the time.
The other day when I met up with my old friends from school I realized one thing. If I found out I do have cancer, I would never have the heart to tell anyone. Friends / family alike. There seems like no real point. Mmm those aren't the right words. Everyone lives in their world, live their lives happily. Downer news will always be downer news. If they didn't know- then it to means it will hurt that much less when the time comes. Because it will be the bandaid effect. Shock and then it's over. I guess the real thought is. How much would change if they did know. If it was terminal, what can anyone do to save you? If it was known- it's just might make it that much harder. Mmm I guess my decision is the same as it was a year ago. I wouldn't tell...
I try talking about it and my throat crumples and my eyes want to cry. Let's just save the heartache.
Post a Comment