Sunday, October 03, 2010

So Badly

Well... My heart hurts at the thought... how badly I want to move into the basement - do renovations. Dad yells at me to say that I never help him do anything. I'm of no use to him. I'm sorry. I advised him on how he SHOULD do the basement floor in the kitchen. A kitchen I want to turn into MY STUDIO, he even wants me to turn it into my studio. What is the point? The point is not for someone to half ass it and say it belongs to me. I know it was a labor of love from his behalf on doing the floors, but the truth is, he half assed it. I told him what I wanted done and he took short cuts. LIKE ALWAYS. He fought me on the kitchen cabinets, he then fought me about the floors. He did the floors and now.... it's WARPED. Would it have been SO HARD TO just pull up the vinyl, and pour down the leveler and then tile. I walk onto it and I just want to bash the floors and destroy it - not because I'm a bitch, it's because I see HOW UNEVEN IT IS! If you're not going to do it RIGHT - DON'T DO IT AT ALL! Because now you have to spend twice the amount of money to fix it the second time around. Do you realize what's going to happen now? I can't bring in an island downstairs if I wanted to, because the uneven floors will be a give away to how screwed up it is. My dad is asking me to do this and that. Sand the walls for painting - help him because he's been doing it all by himself :( aww balls. Dad, me and Sze ( my brother ) have been doing everything on our own renovating the downstairs and you spend little time of your own this year to fix up and you're complaining. I'm not even allowed to move downstairs. But I can set up my studio there - in an area where you 'say' is mine, but you put rules and regulations on? I don't know if he can wrap his head all around the fact that I can't paint, film, video, do photography, audio record, all out of my little room. Then again he doesn't know I do all this in my room either. The fact that my bedroom is next to his - pisses the shit out of me. WHY?! because I can't play my music as loud. I can barely do anything. He used to walk into my room without knocking. [ he's even walked in on me as I was changing -_- ] I BARELY EVER have people over and that kills me - I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to. My parents were never every happy when I did. The dad even gets mad at me when I don't come home and when I'm barely home and he yells at me when I am home. There's no getting round it but the fact of not going home. Now, it's more like... I don't want to help around the house anymore because... well this is how I see it. It feels like my voice is never heard, and my actions are never seen. SO WHAT IS THE POINT?!!!! When I do put my actions into it, you don't acknowledge it - The negativity that stems from my house on the first level just creates emotional stress on me. I come home and all I hear now that my mom is back... is my dad yelling at her. The verbal abuse in my house feels like it needs to be a daily thing from him. I can't stand it. I can't block it out. My brain keeps going on to thinking how I would do up the basement. Then I start to think - What's the point?! if I'm not allowed to make it my own personal domain. Just cause my dad feels like it's my brother's - he wants everything to be perfectly the same when he comes back. WTF. He's applying for permanent residency in Australia. REALLY?! I'm not even kicking him out of the house! I'm just trading rooms. Is it really that big of a deal to swap spaces with someone who's not even in the same country?! There.. here's my vent. My brain keeps thinking.... this is what I should do - change the cabinets, build an extention to the counter, repaint the downstairs washroom, make a recording studio area, art studio area, build a mount for the camera, get a new desktop computer, set up office space, set up ..oh wait... BUT I CAN'T DO IT. Because the truth of the matter is... my brain works so much ... I really need to live with in the same space - I want to be able to be as loud as I want to be in my studio space, watch movies as loud as I want to in my room, have and entertain friends over. Have friends able to come over to work. If feel like I'm trying to build an empire, but I can't expand it and I'm being boxed in. Solution. Save up... Move out. 

Why live so close to the space that I will work..... this is my lifes work. Creating... if I don't live in the space.... I'll just do what I've been doing...... shrugging it off...... doing NOTHING. Something.. but mostly nothing. I don't think I can separate fully my creative life and personal life. My brain's always thinking of something creative. It's like me asking my boyfriend to stop thinking about his car, when I always catch him checking out something for it. It's in his blood. It's his passion. He lives with his art - or shall I say car parts. In plastic bins or dresser drawers. little pieces strewn here and there about in his room.

These days so much energy has been placed towards downtown work and Desi Method - Trying to recover from this lack of inspiration. Trying to get back to 100% physically and such - it's mind boggling. 

Get this, My dad has even put me down before for buying canvases for art. Just because he solely believes I should be doing the art he wants me to do - Seriously he has some control issues. ME - I have some issues about being bossed around. Never tell me what kind of art I should be doing, or painting - especially when you're not paying me to do it. I should just be creating - regardless of what it is.

Maybe it's art.... I haven't been producing some real art - perhaps that's what's slowly making me feel this 'homesick' feeling........ cause I'm not doing what makes me feel like I truly belong in this world. I no longer get lost within the art......perhaps the art is lost within me.

This can't be true, my heart wouldn't still burn with this passion I feel... my eyes would not envision paintings... I have yet to paint...

It can't be true.
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