Wednesday, April 27, 2011

It's another down morning

It's another down morning
I don't know what happened last night - but this morning I woke up to find all my hanging closet items on the floor. The hanging joint where the bar sits on gave out. I left the house to miss the normal bus. Then I miss two other buses that are on my transfer route.

I've been thinking - who are my crushes. Now there are basically null. Why? Well Jugo Juice guy sold off his business so - no more eye candy. But people I've crushed on are off limits or taken - and in the terms of mr.193 - he's now taken and very far away. So - crushes - null now.

Would I get with them if they returned to me to say that they are interested and want something more. - it all depends- always.

I feel very tired. Now I have to think about what to do about my closet.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The saddest little dog

The saddest little dog
Right now the ultimate heartbreaker is CC - my dog. He just seems like the saddest little thing right now. Being blind ( only notices movement if he stands long enough to pay attention to what's around him ). He's deaf now so won't react when you call him. Even though I'm home- he refuses to eat. He's gone quickly back to a skinny little one. He was so heavy just the other week. He stands and then slowly slides down to the ground to lay down. He can't see the steps anymore so sometimes he stumbles down them. He remains a little frighten after that even when it was just one or two steps he slid down - but not fell. He doesn't see the ledge of the pavement where it meets the grass. It scares him when he looses a bit of his footing before he hits the grass. I have to turn on the lights as he moves around or i find him unknowingly walking into the wall / dresser / mirror. It breaks my heart as I hear a little whimper from him as he sits only an arms length from him - and he seems to believe no one is with him. He faces away from me, walks right by me, looks for me as I stand right next to him. This little man seems to love me more than anything in this world. Wish I had a guy like that.

He seems so relieved when I hold him in my arms as he sink into my arms. I can't tell but it feels like he's smiling as he closes his eyes as I hold him a little tighter.

I don't if he's simply now in pain to do anything. He just sleeps. Do I just let him sleep? I have a hard decision to make soon.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


I didn't catch the bus yesterday. In turn I ended up walking the mall and was deeply feeling like purchasing a microphone I came across. But future shop's price seemed a little high compared to things on shopbot. Life's getting a little boring and I maybe buying too much stuff :/ but Its not useless stuff. Little things come up and it can't be helped. I wonder when my glasses will be ready for pickup. And some things I'm just feeling like. It's needed and then I just get it. I am saving for bigger things.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Sickly sick

Sickly sick
Well my dad's gone for a check up the other day. And I do pray his tests come our fine. Me however am overdue for my check up. :/ I said I would this year but let's face it - I'm scared. Even worse is today is probably one of my worst symptom days in a long time. I hate seeing red. :/ I guess I just indulge as much as I want to anymore. Now I'm considering doing the week cleanse. I should really look into how they do that. My stomach hurts. I've been eating through out today. English muffin, yogurt, glass of juice... Yeah I don't know my meals by heart but still.

Well at least I drop weight quickly when I'n sick- but that's only cause I don't feel like eating :(

My sister says maybe I should start writing out my horror dreams and maybe they will make movies out of then. I don't know about that train of thought. It might reveal that I maybe a little - crazy.

I've been blogging a lot lately - maybe it's cause I need to get my thoughts out before I actually go crazy.

I really hope I catch the bus today and get home on time. It's game day and I fell asleep near the end of the last game we had.

Moving On

Moving On
You take everything one step at a time - you make your choices and move on. Sacrifice what you need to. Know what you want and go for it. Don't wallow in regret. Don't think what would it have been like if- think I want it to be like this. And make the changes you need to be what you want it to be. Declare what you want proudly and loudly. Don't slap the person you love in the face unless you're willing to get a slap back. Don't expect the person you love - to love you back the same way. And don't assume that the person you love - doesn't love you either. Don't reason with love, cause love has only one reason. Don't look back - just forward. Don't take the grief from the past - carry what you cherish - love and happiness. Give - more than you get - be happy - be kind - be better as a person - beyond the average person.
- continuation in the early morning. I'm on my way but my disturbing dream lingers. I dreamt that I was one of a few being chased down by some crazy killer. He wasn't even after me - I just wanted to use me for bait. The sad thing about it is - it worked. A part of me didn't know why I was running most of the time in the dream. Then he came out to protect me - so - unfathomable - this stranger I knew and in my dream but not in this "real" world. In the last few minutes of being caught he comes to stop all the madness. Me fighting back for him not to sacrifice himself was useless - and the one moment of torture he bares I sat right next to him powerless. In the last moment however I let out a scream and I'm transported to another event with an upset familiar face. He says to me he gained a pound. But my mind remained at the mysterious hero and I woke up from this dream.
Why have I been dreaming of crazy tortures even I personally have never experienced or come across in my life. This is perhaps the third one of this year.
zzzZzZZ I need some good sleep.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Sleepless Nights

Sleepless Nights
It's hard to say what has been going on in my mind lately.

Looking up places to rent, taking my finances a little more serious. But my emotions are what I'm watching. Bad thoughts of ill will. I don't like thinking like that but sometimes it's hard not to feel hate towards someone that has wronged you. But if you can purify your heart to wish the ones well - the ones that have harmed you - are you not the better person? Especially when you feel this bit of hatred in your heart for them- your better for recognizing it and trying to go the other way. Wish everyone well - regardless how much you may hate them.

Competitiveness may have left my heart for a bit. But in relationships competitiveness is just not me- I don't compare if they are smarter then me or vice versa. That doesn't do us any good to either know if one can run faster than the other. Or if one is smarter than the other. What should be looked at is the force that the couple are when they are a team. It's not you vs significant other. It's you + significant other verses everyone else. A couple together should be so awesome and fun and spontaneous. *sigh* someone who will dance with me - more than just our wedding night.

I don't know what to do anymore - is what I've been feeling once and a while. I've even had thoughts of moving away from Vancouver. Quitting my roller hockey team the avoid the awkwardness that exists playing on the same team as your ex-boyfriend. I try to be the better person - TRY in capitals ... *head down low* it feels like I get slapped in the face for staying. But I'm not a run away either - from things that bother me. I may not like discussing about the circumstances of my unhappiness but who does? I simply tried to save my mental state by expunging our time together to the point where you become perfect strangers again.

My number one thing I learned this 2011 year: to let go of what could have been and enjoy what you have.

Number two: abandon fear.
This stemmed from getting hurt last season. And having to come back feel like I just haven't been giving my all lately.

There is a number three and it's just difficult to put into one phrase. It's hard in the stand point - I want to say lesson number three I kind of would like it to be speak your peace. But even at my stand point I feel like I just can't.
I feel like I can't tell someone who I once loved I miss them when I do. Because I feel like it may not change things - I feel at times - like what does it matter. Does them knowing you miss them really make a difference? To their lives? Or your life? regardless If your time has passed / If there was never anything between you / your both with other people. Sometimes - it maybe just too late. The moment that it would have made the difference has passed. What lingers are your thoughts - the thoughts that haunt you. I hold my peace because if I miss someone - doesn't that mean I'm not abiding by lesson one?

My dog is getting old - and now I am deeply concerned that I have consider putting him down. This is probably one of my biggest downer thoughts right now.

I have to figure out how to get more driving lessons and go take my road test and figure out how I can fund that :/ .

I wish I could just plant a money tree.

Finally getting sleepy - g'night world.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Price of Future

Price of Future
I went out yesterday morning with my God Brother. We went to go visit my a friend who owns a sandwich shop in Surrey. We were talking about things. And cake making the night before I was talking to my sister about things too.
I maybe in the state of blankness as it with things. I should be going out and having fun this upcoming season. spring and summer. If unhappiness settles sooner than things need to be fixed.

Continued after the sun run -
Yup just did the sun run - I didn't run it - just a nice walk with a friend. Heading back home now to relax and chill with the family dog. I may pack up more items for donation.
Grateful - for what I have now and how things are. But a part of me is starving for more - for someone that's wanting to do activities with. Wall climbing, hiking, biking, snowboarding... Etc. Life's way too short.