Monday, April 18, 2011

Sleepless Nights

Sleepless Nights
It's hard to say what has been going on in my mind lately.

Looking up places to rent, taking my finances a little more serious. But my emotions are what I'm watching. Bad thoughts of ill will. I don't like thinking like that but sometimes it's hard not to feel hate towards someone that has wronged you. But if you can purify your heart to wish the ones well - the ones that have harmed you - are you not the better person? Especially when you feel this bit of hatred in your heart for them- your better for recognizing it and trying to go the other way. Wish everyone well - regardless how much you may hate them.

Competitiveness may have left my heart for a bit. But in relationships competitiveness is just not me- I don't compare if they are smarter then me or vice versa. That doesn't do us any good to either know if one can run faster than the other. Or if one is smarter than the other. What should be looked at is the force that the couple are when they are a team. It's not you vs significant other. It's you + significant other verses everyone else. A couple together should be so awesome and fun and spontaneous. *sigh* someone who will dance with me - more than just our wedding night.

I don't know what to do anymore - is what I've been feeling once and a while. I've even had thoughts of moving away from Vancouver. Quitting my roller hockey team the avoid the awkwardness that exists playing on the same team as your ex-boyfriend. I try to be the better person - TRY in capitals ... *head down low* it feels like I get slapped in the face for staying. But I'm not a run away either - from things that bother me. I may not like discussing about the circumstances of my unhappiness but who does? I simply tried to save my mental state by expunging our time together to the point where you become perfect strangers again.

My number one thing I learned this 2011 year: to let go of what could have been and enjoy what you have.

Number two: abandon fear.
This stemmed from getting hurt last season. And having to come back feel like I just haven't been giving my all lately.

There is a number three and it's just difficult to put into one phrase. It's hard in the stand point - I want to say lesson number three I kind of would like it to be speak your peace. But even at my stand point I feel like I just can't.
I feel like I can't tell someone who I once loved I miss them when I do. Because I feel like it may not change things - I feel at times - like what does it matter. Does them knowing you miss them really make a difference? To their lives? Or your life? regardless If your time has passed / If there was never anything between you / your both with other people. Sometimes - it maybe just too late. The moment that it would have made the difference has passed. What lingers are your thoughts - the thoughts that haunt you. I hold my peace because if I miss someone - doesn't that mean I'm not abiding by lesson one?

My dog is getting old - and now I am deeply concerned that I have consider putting him down. This is probably one of my biggest downer thoughts right now.

I have to figure out how to get more driving lessons and go take my road test and figure out how I can fund that :/ .

I wish I could just plant a money tree.

Finally getting sleepy - g'night world.

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