Friday, May 27, 2011

Missing a piece of me

Missing a piece of me
And I can't put my finger on just what- it is I'm missing. Maybe I'm just tired from working 8 hours with 2 hours of travel on top. I sleepy. But I feel - sad.

I think I should start to really draw out my story. - book - that is - graphic novel? Are there popular online graphic novels? - I wonder. Bigger question is will people read it?

Maybe it's a little of the family matters. That's just getting me down. Lots of changes about to go on and I really just feel like - hibernating.

Sometimes I just think of packing up and leaving - and then I wonder - where would I go? - what would I do?
I stopped doing the YouTube thing for a while to find inspiration. But I find none and I feel like emotions are down and out. My friends are all picking up as the summer is coming about and I am so proud of them and I feel - stuck.

Selfish thoughts lead no where. With Stories still untold, and a future to behold.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Loved

Loved
There are random days that go particularly well and I can't help but feel a bit loved by someone watching from above. How mysterious it is the little things. For me this morning is that a specifically long light crossing changes just in time for me to catch the bus. That rarely ever happens.

Well that's probably the only story I have today. I spent my weekend at the bf's cleaned his place as I was there watching movies to kill time - looking and doing some calculations of financials and and checking up on side work.

Fei ( our grey cockatiel ) was taken yesterday. He seems to be in a mess since Pidge died. Like he misses him or he could just be wanting not to be alone. But he hates people. My dad thinks he knows he's dead and gone. I think Fei is just THAT stupid not to know he's dead... Just thinks maybe he went missing or hid or what not. I kind of miss Pidgeotto - he was very cute in his quirky ways. There was this one time I was working out and he wanted to watch me or play with me. He flew over to the weight set and perched himself there and watched by my side as I worked out. He then proceeded to try to land on me and then to the ground as he proceeded to graze on the hardwood floor. Quirky is the only way to put it. My sister came over for dinner yesterday with baby and Peter. Ethan is as cheeky as ever. I see a little of my brother in him as he starts to talk gibberish to everyone. Yup that makes me think of my bro. It's a bit mean / cruel to say but hey when the shoe fits.

I really should start to paint again. I have ideas in my head and all I ever really do need to do is just - start.

Its all we ever really do to take steps towards what we ever truly want.

Now the question is should you ever wait for someone to catch up to what you're striving for? Especially when you want it to be together?

What's another year? I ask myself.
And then I wonder- do I have another year to give?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bye Bye Pidge

Bye Bye Pidge
My heart's a little heavy this morning. Last night I come home and walk by in the dark to hear the birds in a frantic. More than the norm. I turn on the light to find Pidgeotto - a yellow cockatiel we've had in the family for ten years plus - stuck and bleeding and in a panic. I rush to help him - I quickly open up the cage and try to support him. He was holding on with his beak pretty hard. Apparently he had probably slipped and got stuck between the cage and the feeder, his right wing caught between the bars of the cage. Both wings bleeding. He must have been panicked and flapping and stressed for a while. I shouted for my dad as he was sleeping upstairs. It takes him a few minutes to respond and when he showed up he helped me push his caught wing back into the cage, at that moment I feel him no longer grabbing onto my finger, he let go of the cage and when we freed his wing and I think we've saved him, he slips from my hands like butter and lands on his back and I and his eyes slowly a his eyes. And right there we knew he had just died. My heart is heavy - but I can't even imagine how long he's been stressed and stuck like that - that overwhelmed him. Irony of it all was that he was just a weekend away from being given to a better home and family. Our family had finally decided to get rid of the birds and give them away. Me and dad took Pidge out of the cage to check for sure he was dead, and placed him back in for half an hour for Fei to know, Pidge was dead. However it was when we were just about to wrap him up and get rid of him when he started to make a lot of noise. - even this morning as I pass by- I feel he's in a panic and just realizes Pidge was absent. Fei loves Pidge- I should say loved - but I think he still loves him regardless. But Pidge was just annoyed by Fei most of the time. They fought but the kind of fight for interaction sake on Fei's behalf.

I end the night washing my hands of his blood - Doing some work before hitting the sack. As sad as the moment is and how much it sucks to not have saved him. My emotions are pretty good- I have not cried yet for his loss - but I hope in the end he knew we loved and tried to save him.

Before that night - my day was normal. Went to work and decided to go for a visit to my sisters and baby. Ethan's getting so big so fast. So adorable that I was sharing some ice cream with him. A waffle cone. Apparently he loves the chocolate and peanut cover and waffle cone. He loved the waffle cone so much he almost had a bit of ice-cream go up his nose for the sake of wanting to take a bite of the waffle cone. A little later in the evening he ends up feeding me - some grapes that is. It was pretty cute how he walks up to me with a grape in hand. I offer my hand out to take it and he refused cause he wanted to feed it to me. If there is one thing I notice is that our family is big on feeding as a way of love.

Well I'm almost at work. And I'm gonna wrap this up. I'm still going through and selling items on eBay. It's going pretty good but I wish things sold more easily. I'm now fighting the urge to buy more stuff. I think I'll try to sell more stuff before doing so.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Long While

A Long While
It's been a long while since I've written anything - just space and time are against me. If I'm not seated in the early mornings to blog- then I won't blog. If I'm not on the travel - I won't blog. But I like time to myself. And rarely get to say what's on my mind.

Well just yesterday felt like craziness and mayhem - there seems to be no such thing as doing things quietly at home - even when it comes to finding papers. It's like blame city. I know what and where important things are - my family number one issue - listening. Cause we lack that sincerity of one another - just to listen. I started to put up my wall against them a long time ago - one thing always leads to an insult. Or that's how I feel. If I never brace myself at all times - I wouldn't be here and that's a sad honest truth.

I am now selling lots of things on eBay. One - to get rid of stuff. Two - make money back. Three - it will make it easier when I find a place and move out. I thinks about time - I don't think I can take anymore of the barely sleeping nights as footsteps seem to stomp around the house with an insomniac mother. I barely get enough sleep when I am home and - I play catch up sleep when I sleep over at the boyfriends. Exhausting is trying to juggle everything - travel - work - relationship and friendships. I'm glad to say I don't have to worry about finances as I've automated a lot of my savings from now on. - I'm upset that my dad keeps bugging me about my license - how on earth can I get it when I don't enough practice time to even be comfortable behind the wheel? I don't have time / the money at the moment to go and sign up for more driving classes and to pay them to use their car for the road test. When I signed up for my classes the first time I knew this would be my problem- when everyone around me saying not to pay for the full program cause they'll take me out. And reliability is so low - when people pull through for me - is what surprises me. I heavily grew on independence and doing things for myself. Because the fact no one's barely there to do things for me was ingrained early in my childhood. - come on - I've been walking home from school on my own since I was five. Besides my sister - I rarely remember anyone by my side.

Friday, May 06, 2011

Expiry Dates

Expiry Dates
I have simply come with terms that everyone has them. Especially Me. My heath issue has struck hard this week and all I can really do is stick it out. To make matters worse I have a dry cut on the corner of my mouth this week that makes me sorry about wanting to eat anything when I try to open my mouth to eat anything.

My dog slept in my room last night and I have no idea how for a little dog - that he can have so much pee! Yeah I had a few wet surprise puddles when I woke up this morning. I find myself not getting mad at him anymore. I see that now he can't help himself when he does pee. No point of hitting him and saying NO! Because he can't even hear your discipline and hitting him would simply stress and startle him even more cause he can't see that you're mad.

Yesterday I had a nice surprise when I discovered a little bunny on a postal box.

Work days are getting slow but it's the epic calm before the storm.

I scored in the first regulation roller hockey game of the season. The. Canucks are doing well in the playoffs. And in now constantly looking for items to post up onto eBay to just get rid of.

I'm hungry- i wonder what I can eat this morning besides just having water.