Thursday, June 30, 2011

Giving In - Giving Up

Giving In - Giving Up
I've been thinking about the future of my relationship with Ry. I want to help him with what stresses him out the most and help him relieve some tension about that subject but it doesn't help when he feels he should deal with it on his own and that he is. No - dealing with it for the last year. And what has changed? Was there a plan? And did it follow through to this year? What was sacrificed? What was gained?

My back hurts - my diet is not the best right now cause of me feeling sick on and off. Maybe after work when I get home I'll go for a run. Or should I go visit my sister today? :/ Hmmmm. The choices.

I miss DJ - he'd post an update on Facebook at times but :/ I hope he's safe. Lol - he told me not to worry - and whoever is dumb enough to mess with someone who was just there to train for Mui Thai - deserves a butt kicking.

I officially feel - stuck.
Unhappy. And disgusted with myself for reasons I won't explain.

But I know things will get better because I just have to take that first step. No matter why step it is - it will be one for the better.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Breaking Hearts

Breaking Hearts
Some say that it's hard to be single. No it's probably the easiest thing. Hard is breaking the heart of someone you truly care for. Things are not the same - and no matter how hard you try, will it be the same? When things have already changed? Trying is better than giving up - right? I no longer know what is what anymore.

Sometimes I feel change comes a little too late - their time limit to show what they have to offer is up. Either one or both will feel short changed and the love is not the same love because of one clear fact - the honeymoon is over. And in their own ways both sides will feel like a sucker. And slowly nothing will ever be the same.

I'm tired - been feeling sick on and off for the last few weeks. Almost everything I eat gives me a stomach ache - the reason I said almost because the only thing I recall that don't are fruits. Maybe I should just eat fruits for a while.

Yesterday I met up with Esjay to go over stuff - what ended our meeting was that his power plug outlet into his notebook gets pushed into the computer and now he has no way to charge it. Which sucks. He may be out of a computer for a month.

I uploaded the images and whatnot from a few things this last week. Will post and update this blog soon ... I hope

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

How would you love me

How would you love me

How would you love me if all my days were yours? Would we walk along the gravel or the beaches shore? Would you hold my hand with pride and claim to the world I'm yours? would you hide my name in shame and let no one know? Would you say "I love you" and mean it - every word? Would you hold me tight at night and give praise that I'm your girl? Will you make me smile and laugh - every single day? Make me happy with our adventures and have our times of play? Will we seek the sunsets and sunrises on those special days? Will you make me a hearty breakfast with some sausage and some eggs? Will you give me a special nickname or simply call me "babes"? Will you show your love and affection no matter our dismays? Will you find a way for me to fall back in love with rain? Kiss me and hold me close on sunny, rainy, snowy days? Would you leave me morning messages - to dress warmly cause it's cold? Make silly faces in our pictures to laugh at when we're old? Would you treasure every snapshot - hug me close and smile big? Would you love me like a queen cause I would love you like a king. How would you love me? Simply watch over me at times ? Remind me now and then - that I do still cross your mind? Would you always love me - no matter how near or far. Would you keep the love you have for me buried in your heart? Would you kiss and hug me every time we part? Want to cuddle close and blanketed to watch our movies just at home? Make an Occasion now and then to celebrate just how we have grown? Would you surprise me on random days with flowers or a gift? Know my favorite snacks to get when I'm needing of a lift? Or would you love me so very much- and never want to see me sad? Would you cease that opportunity to take my heart in hand? Would you send me little emails signed with kisses at the end? Tell me that you missed me with every text you send? Would you cook for me delicious works of art? Taking me camping to sleep underneath the stars?

How would you love me if these were my last days?

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Running On Low

I asked my sister and a dear friend a question:
If you had to choose between

someone that gives you tingles - but you don't have fun with.
someone you have tons of fun with but no tingles.

Who would you choose?

Neither of them said any particular one - it's pretty hard choice.

I'm running on low, have been working hard - spending hard too to catch up on the things I really really want to do and produce.

Downtown work has been hectic - our company is growing. I actually worked a 13 hour day. That was insanity! but after wards my boss took me to dinner.
He thanked me for the hard work that truly without me he doesn't know where we would stand today. He assures me our company is going to grow. I feel this updated change as well. I mean when I started working there was I would say the brink of 2008-2009? It wasn't soon after when we updated our computers - now another overhaul this time computer and programs. We're taking on more clients than ever and even feel overwhelmed on some days when I'm on my own. Things need to get done - more things coming in, and then there's a chain of priority that just bumps everything out of place. I'm stuck learning new things that I particularly don't want to learn ( cause I don't really know how well this new founded knowledge will really help me ) It just seems like more of a developer thing than a designer ordeal, that's all. I shouldn't complain. Getting paid to learn on the job should be a bonus.

I haven't had very much fun lately, it doesn't help my relationship at the moment that I haven't done anything fun either. I can't really take time off till later in the month - but that's when Ry has to go back to work. On our one year - we celebrated and then moped the loss of the Canucks. And then a few days later to loss of the Stanley Cup! - I had originally thought it would be nice and awesome to eat somewhere downtown / close by and watch the game - be in a people setting. - WHY? Because I missed out on the Olympics - I didn't get to see the venues / attractions cause I worked and the person I was with at the time just wasn't all that interested either. I know it doesn't take having with someone to have fun - but if it's someone you want to experience life with - you should experience life with them right? Excitement - loss - win? I feel at times I expect more - I would like to experience more - not the same old same old. My life becoming something rather a bit - sad. A little depressions been sneaking up on me and I'm fighting it. I wear masks very well to hide it.

I miss some things - very much - that I didn't think I would in / from relationships. The snuggles and cuddles - a nickname - the I love you's. What I once thought didn't fill my love well has now made me miss the thirst of a certain way of being loved. When I don't get it, I don't feel it and I feel a bit lonely. I now know what someone was once trying to convey to me, I understand now - what I could not back then. It took time, perspective and experience to understand.

Monday, June 13, 2011

A Long While

A Long While
It's been a long while since I blogged. I wonder if anyones missed me. I've officially breached 600 on YouTube and 100 followers on twitter. Any much of a prize? Not really. I wish I did more to work towards the fan base to cultivate it but I'm not a robot and there just aren't enough hours in the day.
The Canucks are playing tonight and I hope they win. The city would go nuts! And so much more love would bubble over our city. There just isn't enough in this city that to me seems to grow a little cold sometimes. But I shouldn't say that.
Yesterday I went to Eat Vancouver. I'll post some pics later. I saw a Canucks cake - it could have been better. I snacked on bread - chips - yogurt - sorbet - sausage - somosa - rice - miso - oyster - raspberry beer - had a margarita . Yeah got a little buzzed - all in one place! I thought it was interesting. On my way there however I was walking to the skytrain. A man with 2 chocolate labs are barking out the window. It scares me a little and I laugh it off. The man pulled over to a car park a head. As I keep walking another man asks where the skytrain station is. I point and say just up the street. - he thanks me and drives off - I soon come across the man with the two dogs as he pulls out of a parking lot. He apologizes for the dogs having scared me. He then says he'd offer to give me a ride to the skytrain but I was already so close to it. I said it's fine with a smile and waved good bye as I kept on walking. My skytrain ride was shorter than expected and I was soon at waterfront station. On my way out I notice a couple that seemed a little lost. Seeing they were dragging with them some luggage- I asked if they were going to the airport? They said yes. I pointed to them the opposite side of the platform and said they had to go that way. They thanked me and I went on my way. I make my way to the Vancouver Convention Centre and on the way - a man walks up. He said "SaaaaAaaa..." on the middle of him saying this I thought he was saying my name - which in my mind I thought - I don't know this guy- he then finishes word with "....vvvvee" he hands me a flyer. Damn it - there's one thing being a graphic designer - another is getting someone else's horrible job of a flyer! As I got to the entrance of the convention centre I call John and we soon meet for a great first time experience at Eat Vancouver!

Well I've been standing in heels this whole skytrain trip to work and my feet are starting hurt a bit so I'm off.
Have a good morning - good afternoon - good night.