Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Forgive Them & Myself

*ROAR* I don't know if I can do this. *EERRRR* *annoyed* but I'm going to. A true test of the heart. To contact those who in some way have affected my heart through out the years. Some more than others, some I haven't spoken to for ten years. X-boyfriends can become one of two things. Strangers or Great Friends. I only have two of my ex-boyfriends are Great Friends with me now, the rest just seems to fall off. A part of me doesn't really care for keeping in touch with them. But I also believe that if I chose to have relationship with these guys there was something about them that I loved. The first two boyfriends I ever had were the ones I keep in touch with. But I have to try to see how they are now. That I am who I am today because partly due to the love and heartache I received from all of them. The choices of the man I want to be with strongly comes from the experiences I had with the ones before him. All the great qualities I want now stems from what they either possessed or I wish they did. As much as it may hurt me, I think it's a sense of closure. To get in touch and try to in a way reclaim a little part of me back. A little part of my heart I guess.

I texted Trevor on a whim, I've been contemplating for some time to ask if he wanted to do dinner, or lunch to catch up. We end up texting how we're both doing. Apparently not much with him. Working lots ( finally saving to move out ), Hockey, and that's it. Then I start to reflect. WOW, it's been more than 6 months since we split and I've done so much. But yet to me I don't really feel like I have accomplished a lot. Then I come realize what me and Sundeep once spoke about. How our goals and achievements are so high that with even all that we've done, we will feel as though it's not enough. It's true. I have all these plans and goals for myself. I've done a lot in the last half of the year and still plan to do a whole lot more. I went for a 5k run today, I lasted longer and jogged 2/3rds of the way, I realized I went to bed early yesterday. Probably will do so again today. Emotional draining these days. Self revelation in full on blast fast forward. Everyone tells me that it takes time. That I should slow down. TIME... doesn't exist to me really. I have no concept of it besides when I am at work. TIME... is something I can't control. Therefore I don't have it. I don't have the time to slow down, I don't have the time to take because who am I to say where I will be tomorrow, or what will happen. Anything can happen. God taught me that, At any time, any thing can happen.

I've had two people in this week, ones I've had the pleasure to have some sort of relationship with tell me, that they we're lucky. In some way I guess to tell me, I'm a great girl they also had the pleasure to be with and feel love from at some time in their life. They are lucky, but why do I feel like an empty shell now, have I given so much of my love away and left myself with none?

I just got a text from Sundeep. We love to share words of inspiration with one another. To keep one another goals and dreams in lined so we don't forget what we are all about. Don't you wish you had a friend that did that for you? To help you remember why you wake up in the morning, why you keep doing what you do. And push you when you feel like you've lost it. Not only do they do that for you, but you also inspire them back. He just wrote me.

"Take control of your thoughts and vividly imagine all that you desire from this worldly existence in a state of total expectancy. Dormant forces will awaken inside you. You will begin to unlock the true potential of your mind to create the kind of magical life that you deserve."

I said this to myself today as I stood at the bus stop waiting to go home.
One that I once loved will remember me. Will miss me. Will realize my worth to him. He will invite me back into his life and when he does he will do something that will make me cry and with the tears I will fall madly in love with him. He will make me feel as though I left my heart with him all along.

Till that day comes. I'll be re-building my heart as I forgive them ( those who broke my heart ) & myself ( for letting them to do so ). To realize it was alright to be innocent then, to experience the heartache cause I'm so much more beautiful now for it. I have so much more love to give now. I know how painful it is to break other peoples heart because it reminds me of my own and I try to avoid it at all times. The people who come to know me now and fall in love with me is partly credited to the heartache of the past. Forgive them because the truth is I should be thanking them.
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