Friday, July 02, 2010

Emotionally Stupid

Work was work... Don't think there's much to blog about there. But I did go check out this art piece after work. ** input image here** reminds me of the ghetto houses on the water in Malaysia and Brunei.

Besides Ry text-ing me that he misses me so much... he goes an says something that makes me feel emotionally stupid. Now the last few guys I've dated since  'the epic failure of a relationship that was with Trev.' were all a part of this ...

May Month Realization: Love Relationships from 1999 - April 2010 I was never loving fully - invisible walls were around my heart. May2010 - I knocked them down. I have re-discovered how to love fully. To try, to chance, that if I didn't love fully in the moment then I was lying to myself and them. I will try to never ever doubt myself, love, or life - again.

I shouldn't say that I didn't Love Trev. I did.. but it did take me 2 years to realize I really really loved him. Should you be in a relationship for 2 years to realize only then you would actually deeply care enough for this person that if they died you'ld ball your eyes out? It took two years to realize that with Trev. Note on average the "in love" state of a relationship is 2 years. See through out these last 10 years my emotions were pretty much in check ( It wasn't in the my relationship with Trev for the first few years ). But when falling out of a relationship I may miss someone dearly because a part of me did love them, but I may have been cooler about some situations than most and everyone wondered why... it's because the situations never reached my heart. Which means my unseen barriers that were created from every failed relationship to protect what matters to a lot of people the most... their heart. Fear buried itself in there and built a home. But with Ry... was because of the month of May realizations have changed me. I had knocked down the walls because I knew it was wrong to even want a relationship if there are still walls around your heart. If fear lived there nicely doubting every relationship  - it was time to chase it out because it's ultimately what caused the relationships to fail before they ever started. I knocked these walls down and am trying to chase fear away from it. Why? Why would I knock down the walls that stand to protect the very part of me from getting hurt. These walls were not only protecting me... they were trapping me from getting out. The real me. After these walls were knocked down I did something foolish. I don't regret what I did because well I eventually found what I was looking for. Ones who have crossed my path before could not spark this, and I chose to walk away from certain people. They sadly could not make me feel what it is I sought in a hug and in a kiss. There are so many I have not told that they simply didn't make me feel what Ry had been able to... it is the only reason I chose to date him and be with him. To those guys ~ I'm so sorry if I did not tell you, my heart breaks ~ even at the thought of breaking someones heart. I'm a cowardly heart breaker.

There is one thing that makes me feel so stupid after knowing I've knocked these protective walls down -  is that certain situations now make me feel SO stupid. Situations when in a relationship where these unseen walls would block and reflect certain emotions from arising.. those walls are no longer there and when I feel a surge of wanting to cry... or even having tears emerge... I feel utterly stupid. It is only then... I know my guards are now fully down. That someone I haven't dated for that long already has me so emotionally invested that I feel stupid at the emotions that surface when troubled situations arise. A part of me wants to pull up some walls and padding to prepare for the "big hurt" hits my heart causing it to crash, fall and burn but I know that once these walls go back up. How long will it take to tear them back down? I can't afford another ten years. There is one thing that makes all this interesting. Though I may become emotionally upset at Ry, I still trust him in all my being. My heart is heavy with faith because so much of me believes he's worth my loyalty and hopefully I'm worth his.
Until he returns and tells me he really, really wants to be with me... the guards around my heart will stand down. I've chose to fully love in this one, to not doubt when doubt arises, and to trust - to fully give what it is I believe I deserve.

Although I may be emotionally stupid. The truth is I wouldn't choose to return to love the way I used to. Because it is now I'm loving how I used to love, purely and innocently. If I'm loving but not showing and giving everything of me ~ that is not loving. *epiphany* I understand now what Darren was trying to tell me. The walls around his heart were making it hard to love me and making it hard for him to accept it as well, that when someone loves it should be with every bit of them.

Maybe I'm falling in love. You know how love makes you do stupid things, feel stupid things, say stupid things. But I'm not loving blindly nor am I feeling that feeling when you love someone but you're never able to let yourself face that fear to actually chase them.

You get what you ultimately believe you deserve. If you want a great love, chase it, don't let fear scare you away from it. Chase it wholeheartedly, believe you deserve it, that you are so close to it that you already have it. Be so thankful that you have it when you do, because if you don't realize it. It's going to be too late if you ever let it slip away.
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