Monday, August 30, 2010

House Not So Much A Home

I come back here and I get reminded why I hate returning. He scolds me - tells me my knowledge of health information is only 1 percent compared to what he knows. He threats that I should eat rice. [ Really dad... isn't it my choice what I choose to eat. Trust me if I were to become a vegetarian he would yell at me to eat meat. ] I'm on the brink of tears brought by this man. Seriously I have no idea why he has this ability. Why I even take it so personal, like so many times my sister has advised me not to. You would think the person that was part of the responsibility of bringing you into this world would build you up, not knock you down. If it wasn't physical abuse during my childhood it was mental up until adulthood. Seriously why am I still here??? ... I owe this man money... but not my life. I feel even more stupid still feeling any kind of love for this man anymore. I used to feel bad that I would abandoning him if I moved out, but seriously... no more. It's ridiculous the things he says to me. Talking non-sense again about my believing doctors about the medicine he's seen me take and that I shouldn't have to take them and what not. Advising that I shouldn't even take Advil or Tylenol when needed that it's "bad" for you. I don't know if I've come to hate this man, or just believe he's a pure asshole. I can't even start to explain how disrespected I was when he regulated that I couldn't even have friends over and if they where where they could and couldn't go in the house. He says I'm a loner and when I bring home a friend he says I shouldn't bring them into certain places ( that weren't even my room ) long story short, it felt like I should bring friends over at all.  I don't know if he said those things because my friend was brown but it was a slap to the face. I don't know... I'm just hating him a lot right now. He says the same things to me - bringing me to feel like I'm worth nothing at all.

You're Not Good Enough

Alright this blog is gonna be all about ... The fact that you're not good enough.  No - No I'm just kidding. My god brother said something to me that inspired this blog entry, he said something along the lines of, "girls say that I'm a nice guy and that I'm very sweet, but I'm not good enough to date." Well I'm pretty sure that if some girl said you're not good enough for them to date to your face -I'm sorry I find that kind of bitchy - and I'm going to be honest to say, have you ever considered the fact that if she is that rude enough to say that to your face without you having to ask ( but maybe I can't fault her for being honest ) - perhaps it's you that deserves better?

Well this all coming from a girl, all girls like and look for different aspects in the guys they date. It's the combination of things at times and sometimes some girls have their heads up their ass when in search of their "perfect guy". The great guy for you are sometimes the kind of guys you may never expect it to be. You can't demand perfection without knowing your own flaws. You can't say someone isn't your "type" without true interaction. I'm going to say that the truth of things is that girl already has an idea in her mind the kind of guy she wants - heck she may even already have a guy picked out but all she has to do is get him to notice her some more. When she simply tells you, sorry. And you really want to know why, just ask. But I warn you - be prepared to handle the words that are going to be coming out of her mouth. They may knock you off your high horse - better yet she may even jump on the horse she just knocked you off of and ride away on it. Here it is. What she's trying to say is... You're not good looking enough to her standards. Smart / dumb enough. Sensitive / considerative enough. You may not make the right enough income. You may not have the right kind of job or you're jobless. You don't have anything that sparks her interest. You don't have the kind of style she likes. You may not even listen enough to the conversations about her. You maybe the one that talks too much about you and not enough about her. You don't have any common interests. You don't sexually appeal to her. There... That's basically what she's trying to say - perhaps not all at the same time. But one I have or haven't listed above would be one of her reasons. You do realize sometimes it's just that she's too picky. I'm going to be honest to say that I'm picky too but only to a certain extent. I have standards - everyone should have standards and expectations that a guy / girl must meet. Don't set your bar too high cause you may let perfection pass you by. Have some exceptions that you're willing to have your standards slide a little on. Know that you can't force someone you love to change for you - if someone loves you enough they will change and sacrifice naturally for you.

Beyond that I have no idea what else I can say. Personally, my choice of guys have gone down to one final choice if I should date them or not. I've foolishly in the past ignored this believing it may occur later on naturally, then I switched and decided. There's no point of being with someone who doesn't make you feel the chills down your spine and weak in the knees. I went with feeling. Some guys may claim they have this ability - to cause me to feel this - I'm sorry to knock you off your high horse but you maybe able to make a girl feel this - but you can't choose who you will stir this reaction and emotion in. You obviously don't control someone's feelings towards you. That said - when I decided to choose on feelings I realized I had to switch my "what's higher priority in my standards around."  We may have standards and most of the time they maybe too high of a bar. Most of the time - people just don't know what they want because they don't take enough time to focus on that aspect, they just want to be loved. I realized that there are those that love me and without a doubt would treat me really great, or we would have a good relationship - but if there's no spark or emotion - I won't pursue it. That's why it was so easy to let some people go. In the words of Ry, sometimes it's all about timing. I didn't get what he meant but now I do. We started off chatting online before texting and 8 months or so later -'we met. I had standards but no expectations when I met him. Today I am happy - happy to feel shivers every time I'm with my guy :) . I hope he knows this. ♥

Shopping Splurge

My shopping splurge has for the moment filled apart of my lack of creativity. I no longer seem to get as inspired as much as I once did. What does that mean? Should I be in a preparation of my own? If I'm feeling the lack of inspiration does that mean that I should now step up and prepare the ways of being my own inspiration and for everyone else around me? I should create for everyone else. I'm not fulfilling their dreams ( unless I'm on their pay roll ) I'm painting for me. I'm doing this for my dreams and future yet I still can't produce anything. What is it that I'm afraid of? This boggles me. Maybe I should step down not in the position of which I'm in constant pursuit of my dreams - that I won't step aside from. What I should retreat from is the over thinking. One of my biggest flaws is having the ability and want rinsed it from all sides. I should not strive too hard for fame, success, money. I should just strive to be awesome at being me and everything I do. I have to stop myself from asking advice too much from people I know who will block me from my aspirations. I should do what I want when I truly feel it's right to. Stop worrying if it's a good idea or not. How would I ever know it is an awful idea if I never chance it. I chanced a lot of things already this year. I've regretted nothing. Every little small mistake have taught me and continues to build my character, faith, belief, hope.

It's officially less than a month away from my birthday. What would I like??? Wow that's a hard one. I would love inspiration. But that can't really be given just as a present. I would love to have a get-together dinner with friends, but that's always a hard thing to set up. I hope to continue the tradition of dinner with Chris- to celebrate our birthdays together like last year. Sadly ... The truth is I never want to ask for too much- ever. I guess I've been let down too much. Expecting a lot will only set myself for a downfall of heartbreak like so many times before. That's why I have low expectations when it comes to these things - even anniversaries. I've gotten used to people forgetting special occasions. Sad - right? Yeah I know. Ok let me just note a few things I am saving up for or currently am on my want list.

I would like my bf to get a bigger tv :p
Ps3 - cause little big planet 2 coming out in nov.
a camera lens that goes between the ranges of 55-300 zoom.
Vacation- anywhere lots of work coming on soon. I needs a break. But I also needs the money. ( been wanting to go to Bowen island but it's starting to get cold now )
I'm currently contemplating a new Pc /mac that's all decked out to design all day on.
I'm really thinking about a trip to asia - I think it's about time I saw and held a live panda. And try to see if I can track down any really great Chinese painters.
By my birthday, my visa will be paid off. Time to start banking 1700+ / month into my savings. Now I'm thinking of a car. But then again I want to get my scooter and helmet.
Ahh I can't think of anything else. To be honest I don't expect anyone else but me to get these things for me. I'm just at that point in my life that I am building my life. Making enough on  my own to be self sustaining and independent. Because my realist kicks in to say... Anything happens at anytime. Just be ready for whatever it is life / whoever throws at you.

Following items I've purchased this month. Paints, canvases, bike lock, bento box, tokidoki hats, light up t-shirt, mini hat hair clips, earrings, makeup. Mmmm I wonder should I do a motherload shot. Lol

Thursday, August 26, 2010

This Is Not A Movie

This morning my dad is driving me to the skytrain station as I make my way to work and he tells me about some young teenager died after jumping out of a moving vehicle because they were in some sort of argument with their parent. Hey I just googled it dad, there doesn't seem to have been an arguement - but that's besides the point. My dad starts to go off and say that it's all the movies these days that makes people think that they can do this stuff and be alright. Then I go to ask did anyone do this when they were in his generation. I would think people of this generation would be smart enough to know the difference between the MOVIES and reality. Really. My dad's reply was "yes" - around his era [ haha I'm making dad sound so old ] - Spider-man came out and there were reports of kids and people dying with the costume on - falling from buildings and such. What was my first thought? [ I hope this isn't too mean ] My first thought was, WOW - what dumb people. Did you NOT follow that storyline?! You obviously wasn't paying attention at all. Did you happen to get bitten by some radioactive spider that makes you have some crazy mutation happen in your blood stream to cause you to shoot out spider webs from a vein in your wrists? Can you stick to walls in your attempts to climb them with the suit on? If you can't shoot the webs and you can't stick the walls, what makes you think you can stick to and climb a building? -_- then it makes me wonder. If they were so foolish to do what they did and died. What happens if they were foolish and lived to breed more foolish people. Be smart people, don't climb buildings in costumes in strong belief that you're a superhero with superpowers- only believe this if you were engineered in some amazing multi-million dollar lab specifically designed to create these superheros. Don't jump out of moving vehicles unless it's a life or death situation and you're ready to die to escape from some crazy kidnapper that has the high probability of killing you anyways. [ the chance of this is rare but believe it or not, it happens ]
This is not a movie. That's why there are warnings and parental rating systems these days, we all believe you'd be smart enough to understand why they exist.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Get Use To It

There are a few things that make me feel a bit uncomfortable when I am with Ry, but somethings I just have to get used to. There's him looking at really really attractive girls online. See I can't do that cause I don't know a lot of really really attractive guys in my social circle, nor do I particularly follow Good looking guys in anything. Or at least super good-looking. Makes me feel a bit... Not up to his standards. These girls he looks at are model material and I just feel...am I not good enough. Well even though I am striving for some of their figures... I just feel maybe I'm just not attractive enough to lure his eyes away from others. Or do guys do this regardless how good looking their current girlfriend is? I don't know, maybe I'm being paranoid, but I know I wouldn't be one of those girls that checks out other guys online and randomly ask once and a while... Hey babes, do you think this guy is hot?  I'm not going to lie... I do check out guys when I'm not with my bf, okay maybe sometimes I do. But I never give enough attention to care too much, it's always a glance. One of my personal pet peeves is if a boyfriend is with his girlfriend and he is obviously checking me out. See I don't know a lot of guys in this city. A few people may recognize my face and that's what I usually come to think now... They might just recognize me but can't put their finger on where it is they've seen me. If you're with your girl. Be with your girl. If you're with your boy, be with your boy.


Oh, another thing i need to get used to... The other day Ry suggested on setting up a BBQ perhaps at the beach before the summer ends and perhaps invite some of my friends. Awesome idea! But the suggestion throws me off! Why? The last time a boyfriend suggested such a thing was more than ten years ago. And it wasn't even with the last serious relationship I was in. It was weird - to be honest. I really feel now everything - even though it's not new to me - now is new to me like I'm rediscovering them. My new revelations have led me to let go a lot of the things of the past. What I realized is that as important as the past was - it's not as important as what's happening right now. The only thing I really care about the past about people is that it's shaped them into people who I have absolutely come to love today. The relationships I've been in were not the best but I celebrate the heartbreaks because without them I would not know what kind of love it is I truly seek. Without the unhappiness of those relationships ... I wouldn't feel the happiness and gratefulness of the relationship I am in now. Even though you weren't happy with the events of the past. (rarely anyone is ) remember you're here now. What happened - happened. You can't change what happened then. But you can change what happens next. If you're still unhappy about the events of the past then you're simply looking at the events still from within the box. Everyone has the ability to step out of the situation and look at it from a different perspective. The only thing keeping you in the space of unhappiness is yourself. If you keep yourself there,  others will notice and may leave you there because they may believe that it is there where you seek and find happiness because you choose to stay there so often. Don't let unhappiness fill the space that is reserved for happiness. Get used to it. Out with the old and in with the new. Don't let THIS moment pass you by.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Rest In Bed

Yes after a full day outing for me - the next day is usually recovery day. Unless I have endless awesome fun time with friends planned out. I spent most of the day in bed snuggled up watching Dragon Ball Z. I did go out. I got to drive, Yay some more practice hours of driving. I got two movies that I've always wanted to watch and they are Role Models and Lock,Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. I picked up the movies at Superstore with Ry and we walked about looking at groceries. I introduced Ry to Kettle Corn Popcorn when we got a bag from night market the first time we went. :) I can't believe he'd never tried it before, but I'm glad he liked it.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Climbing Through Pain

How on earth do I recall the chain of events from yesterday? Lets see. I woke up pretty early in the morning to get ready for my first Grouse Grind. My dad wakes up to me surfing on the web, all dressed to go and eventually asks where I'm going. I tell him and he says I shouldn't spend my time doing such random stupid things. [ Just last night he said I should look up some books on how to keep friends. ] I'm telling you.. what a wonderful father to have, right?! - Anyways - My friend Ed comes to pick me up. Well not really, cause he's helping me get my driving practice hours in and I did all the driving with him. It was really funny doing Grouse Grind with Ed. Why? because me being the little whiner that I am and weakling - he was chirping in my ear the whole time that we were almost there. Saying random stuff. A lady even asked as she passed by questioning if we were a couple and we both replied 'no'. She said "Oh, okay, cause he's really mean to you." LOL. My reply was.. "I know, but his magic doesn't work on me." LOL . Ed's a nice guy. I see his thoughtfulness. A rarity you know in guys. See Ed's one of those guys that would hold things for a lady - ME - I'm not used to that. My first reaction when guys do this for me is - What the hell? what are you trying to take from me?! - Hostility - when in reality it's really weird for me to come across true NICE guys. At my age and I'm learning how to get used to gentlemen of our generations because I've come by them so rarely. Anyways did I tell you I hurt my back going up the climb before I even hit the 1/4 of the hike marker. I keep at it and I make it to the top and I film a little and also take some pics. we make our way down via gondola and I drive us back into the city. I take Ed to Sushi Town on Hastings and order us a big lunch. I even got Ry some take out. On the way driving to Ry's house I realized how many bad drivers we do have in Vancouver. How upsetting. I had the right of way at the T stop intersection and still they turned before me. When I go to Ry's place and walked in his room it was a total surprise! He'd moved his furniture around just to the way we hand planned it to be, but he did all the hard work of moving the furniture. I kinda feel bad for not helping.

Later on that night my evening was dinner out with my god brother and his friends at a Restaurant named Coast on Alberni and Burrard. The atmosphere was pretty good, seems to be a popular place. The food was cooked just right but as for seasoning / flavor. Just needs a hint of something there. There's something about me. I'm pretty chill when coming to paying for food - I am willing to shell out a pretty penny for good food. FOOD - is an essential, good food is hard to come by. Good food that's cooked right is hard to come by. If something is right about the food and price is only thing that is the bother, I won't really complain. If food at a restaurant was shit and it was over priced. I would complain. Me... I hate talking about money, but if someone complains about price and food only because of it's portion. I'm sorry, you can go fill yourself with badly cook food that's over proportioned and stop chirping in my ear. Yes it bothers me when people do that. Say it once, don't announce it. Thank You.

After dinner Ry takes me to go get something for my pain before we pick up his baby brother at his work before heading to night market. On the way to the night market we discover that most of Vancouver is in a major grid black out. Ugh - I was on a mission when I was there. I wanted to find the light saber the little kids had but yet I couldn't find it. I got a heart light up shirt to film one of my upcoming videos. I also purchased a mini hat that reminds me of the ones that we used to have when me and my sister were kids. I'd probably give it to her if she wants it. It's pretty interesting to watch Ry's relationship with his little brother. There's one thing you can always tell when you observe someone's interaction with their younger siblings or relatives how they would be as a parent. Ry's attitude to be honest with his baby brother is no different. I think about certain things that would probably let think is it parental attitude or big brother attitude? When the parent's don't know what to do they call Ry to handle it. The truth is, if something did happen to the parents, Ry would be the only one that has to take responsibility of the baby brother. Ry's the only one who's old enough, out of school and has a career, as his other adult siblings are still finishing up school. But even I see that Ry has a good family. No matter how baby boy sees that he needs his independence, he's got a good family that's there for him when needed. Especially Ry who seems like he is willing to stand up when he is needed. I've told baby boy that he shouldn't feel like he needs to do too much on his own and that he can rely on Ry. - WTF - story of the night. I walk into the washroom. I'm in stilettos by the way from dinner. They get stuck in the plastic floor coverings in the washroom and my feet slip out. How disgustingly embarrassing. I had to pull my shoes out from being stuck by hand, slip on back my shoes. Wash my hands twice before leaving again. I wanted to wash my feet in the sink but that would be so.. RUDE. We leave the night market with food and head on home. With the power restored. :)

Regret Nothing

This post is spurred on by thoughts from a friend who says he regrets a lot in life. The truth is... regret nothing. We are created - living organisms that will always be full of mysteries. We are powerful beings. We have the power to create life and more dangerously take life away. We have the choice ( regardless what one says ) to be strong and to be weak. To fight or surrender. To live or to die. To remember or forget. To be in the know or to be in the dark. Life can't just be about reproduction - if it's up to nature and that's all that we're here for, then mother nature would not go into a rampage once and a while and decide to kill a couple hundred / thousands of people at one time or random times through out the year. Think about it. The world is becoming over populated, then BAM! - a natural disasters occur. If it's Global warming then the production of what we have dubbed is needed to sustain our survival in a world of 'want' may actually lead to the downfall of our children's environment. The production of unnecessary products. Sometimes we don't realize how destructive our inventive beings are. But hey... Live smart. But regret nothing in the process.

See... we may have multiple lives in which we get reborn but since we can't know what's going to happen in the next, or remember what happened in the last. Know it in the now. If you dwell, you will never make room for what's going to happen. What it is you want to happen for your future because you have already filled it with the concentration of the past. Especially if it's full of regrets. STOP. I need you to take a look at yourself and ask. Knowing what those regrets are, what would you have done differently. Now when that occurs again, the same chain of events - Do it. I don't know about you.. but when the same chain of events happen / open up to you...the chances of that happening are usually very rare. Especially for people to take notice that it's the same chain of events ( however disguised they could be with different elements and exponents ) . If you know what you would do differently from your regret - it is at that point you should let it go. Why? because your regret now is no longer a regret. It's become a lesson. It teaches you about yourself. What you believe is right, what are the changes you must do to make things right, what it is that will make you feel the way you believe you should feel to be... "right". Regret is like a long elective class that you choose to attend at any time. Why? would you do that to yourself? put yourself in a hard learned lesson when .. When you chance, you learn your answers to your questions right away. Jump at chances. They are your quick lessons, they teach you up front more about everything that you want to know in the moment. Instead of returning to the moment and filling yourself with regret.

You live once.

Reclaiming Me

See once you notice you are suffering spouts of depressions - You , when strong enough, choose to fight it. I always do. I know because I'm loved. Regardless how I feel, I know beyond all doubts that someone out there - Loves me. One of my first steps to reclaiming me is I kinda dubbed today - Super Sexy Friday - I'm going to try to see if I can get to do this every Friday. I dress up and make me feel completely sexy and super fabulous.

What made my day. As I was at the bus stop a trucker drives by and gives me a wave and I wave back. I hope I made his day :) . I got a few smiles too going to work . 3-4 . Not that many. Work was tiring. I'm trying to design a logo right now and my awesome skills are just not pleasing the boss to his extent. That upsets me.

I created my other two blogs that I wanted to start. One purely for writing my short stories. Another for my fine arts - for more focus and to write the notes and tips I've learned from Oriental painting. I have to design and set those up. Oh.. my stories that I want to put up and not forget. :) For others to read.

More than anything I'm trying to find my path again and Remember - it doesn't matter what road blocks I come across ... I'm still on the right path.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Deep Hole

A dream's only a dream. It means nothing unless you make it a goal. The last line of my paragraph only means that the person I thought I was in love ( from my dream ) had never showed me he really did love me.. I have no idea why I would think I was in love with them. The truth is in the FULLY awake realm. I know I'm not in love with that person. I don't even know what that dream was about really.

I should have blogged about what's really bothering me. I have this problem. I never say what's really bothering. What's really really bothering me to anyone. You have to go three layers deep to really get anything from me in person. I should have wrote about this yesterday night but I went for layer two. Welcome to layer three of my real chatter thoughts. I have a pretty bad issue that I deal with - the truth is, a lot of people deal with this. But I've been hit bad lately with it and that's Depression. I don't know how to describe it. It's not only being sad about it, it's like thinking.. what's the point of even living anymore ( which are suicidal thoughts ) I want to cry my eyes out. Lock myself in my room, curl up in bed and just sleep. I barely want to eat ( I haven't been eating proper breakfasts / lunches when I'm by myself / at work ). I'll eat when I'm with other people. I haven't been creating what I want to create ( Ry said something that kinda punched me in the brain cause he was so right. That I can't do what I want to do if I'm not doing anything about it / towards it. ) Fighting for space in my home to do what I need to do isn't helping when I really want to set up my studio. Response from my Dad was.. You have always been allowed to make your studio.. Oh but don't touch this or that or that .. or that.. and oh this is how I want you to set it up with your table this way and this here and that there. [ I'm sorry, is this your studio for me.. or mine for me? I'm confused... wait wait.. not confused frustrated. ] I'm sitting at work on my lunch break writing this. Thinking should I get proper lunch.. but I don't feel like eating a whole meal. Oh .. and I want to cry my eyes out cause I don't know why- I feel so heart broken about everything. I know I'm stuck... if people's been reading my facebook status and tweets they would know. If not this is exactly what I'm thinking. Seriously I feel like a zombie in this state. I feel like my reasons of reasons to be - is gone and I don't really care about - living. end point. It's that bad. But hey.. I can't think that way right. I know... but is there really anyway to fight this random fit of depression? besides toughing it out. Believing, having faith that things will turn out alright. I know I have some of the best friends out there that if they knew I felt this way would say words of encouragement to pull me out of this hole.

The only way I honestly can say when I don't feel like this.. is when I'm with Ry. Some sense of weird loop hole in this Universe he seems to be one of those people that makes me feel complete. Too bad what I blogged about the dream upset him.. which in turns for some reason emotionally upsets me a lot. How do you tell someone you love them, when you both know words are only words? How do you show someone you love them ... when you're not too sure if your actions are even loving anymore? One of my biggest concerns is that I don't know and can't differentiate my actions are of me loving.. or just me being me. And I'm unknowingly loving everyone - kind of deal. Too nice for my own good? - Ry called me a suck up. -_- .

One spike of good news. I think I've finished my book. I'm going clear my room and unpack certain things I packed. Clean up and see if I can paint anything new tonight.

Seeing my sister and baby nephew was a bit of a break from my thoughts lately. Then my dad came over. The first line to me and my sister as we sat on the floor with the babies - "Yung, how come you didn't come open the door for me?" He was looking at me like he was a King I just disrespected. My response, "why would I open the door for you?" [ I'm thinking this cause I don't live in that house. My sister thought the same thing. ] He said this cause I knew he was coming over... I just didn't know when. But for that to be the first thing that comes out of his mouth in a house that is not even mine... kinda feels like a slap in the face. I dub this .. The King Complex.

Current Status: ... I really don't know what to do anymore.

Silent Being, Chattered Mind

I may have been quiet for a bit, but my mind has been filled with a bunch of questions. Thoughts, decisions, choices. Life shows you these possibilities and on which ways you can build upon them. But certain choices no matter how much you would like the outcome to be sometimes will effect yours. I feel like my studio .. in this house.. will never be mine. That's just the end of that.

I've been thinking about love lately. - Thinking about the guys that have come and gone in my life in the last year. Thought about what I love and .. didn't love about them. My final conclusion is that they were great men. The lucky lady that they choose to finally make their one and only should know just how great they are. It's just too bad that lady - wasn't me. My heart was clearly not all there. There was still a lot of hate. Just the other day driving home from Renton I woke up with the notion I was in love with someone... Not Ry... But I didn't know why... I had no reasons. Just we just parted ways in our split and ... I don't know ... he's given me no true signs he loves me - at all.

10 things I adore about Ry. - I need to do this so I don't dwell on the other guy.
1) He has the cutest feet ever - I mean EVER. So baby cute!
2) His Sincerity astounds me. Just shows me he does think about me.
3) How he holds the door for me. Gentlemen - Sometimes I have to get used to it.
4) He says / asks random cute questions and concerns / facts.
5) When he runs his fingers through my hair, to brush it away from my face. ♥
6) When he kisses me gently on the forehead. ♥
7) I cuddle up to him. I lean up and kiss him on the cheek. I hear a little grunt which goes to tell me he's smiling. It makes me squeeze him a little tighter.
8) ♥ his hugs
9) I like the fact he likes history.. the truth is I think Ry's pretty smart.
10) We have a bit in common. - I love how his eyes lit up when he found out I had the Dragon Ball Collection. It was pretty cute.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Bitter / Sweet After Taste?

On the August 12th was the anniversary of the break up. One year since me and Trev Split. OK ok. Since he broke up with me. The last year has brought along a lot of changes. It also brought up questions. But hey if things don't work out, I'm not going to keep dwelling. There was one question more than one person asked me. That was... How did I survive a 8.5 years break up? ( My reply was: Like any other break up? ) I guess I couldn't wrap the question around what they were trying to say. I guess not everyone knows the whole story. Of how I thought I had cancer ( I was showing crazy symptoms - too scary to even blog about ) But it's a pretty easy choice when you think you're dying versus crying over a guy. Life goes on, Love can be found again. That's just the facts. But One year later and I look back at what they were pointing at .. and the truth is.. Wow. I am kinda glad my scare came at the right time. I mean. I did get out of a relationship where the guy promised to love me. To be my husband. To make me his wife. Then there's the years of realization. The saying - is different from the doing. It's true. Words are only words if they are not backed up by actions. See - years of seeing him not do anything that he said he would - not going to list them. I grew to become so much more independent ( good right? ) . The problem is now that I'm in that state that. I hold my own, you hold your own. Till you prove to me you want more. That's awful isn't it? To think that way. But ... maybe I need a guy to show me that they do want something more than just saying it. It doesn't mean anything even if you say you love me. It doesn't mean anything if you say you'll be with me. No actions with the words makes me start to feel that there are no truth behind them at all.

I've been upset lately on a number of different levels about a number of different things that I can't even start to name. Living with morons or in a house that contains men who think so highly of themselves can only bring a strong woman want to ring the necks of theses beings.

No dad, you can not just find new linoleum to fill in the broken parts of the floor only to even it out and decide to tile over it. SERIOUSLY! just rip up the old linoleum. Don't talk to me about doing it faster... I want it done right!

I've been looking online for places to move out to. My choices are between Vancouver and New Westminster. Or I can stay home and save up some more before I move out to a better place. It frustrates me - the fact that my Dad says he's allowing me to build my studio - only I can't touch my brother's stuff. Well... his stuff is in my studio space and ON my things. I'm going to be honest to say that I have always felt that I could never really do what I want to do at home. It's like a fight for space.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Good Friends

Good friends are hard to come by, we all know this because. Great friends... will always somehow come and visit you in your thoughts. You'll be doing something out of the blue someone just comes across your mind. With me.. I dream about them.

Ry asked me if I ever dream about Trevor anymore. The truth ... No. It's strange but maybe I know that part in my life is over and done with. My essence knows that too much time has already been spent and been affected by him. I lost the last 4 weeks of hard working out because I've been healing from bruised ribs. An injury I got from him. See I just walked away from it, I don't need an apology cause I ran into him just as much as he ran into me. But the truth is. Enough time given to him .. is enough. Now the sub-conscience does something. It remembers the good times. Good memories and good friends. The few friends I do dream about more is my twin best friends I had during my childhood. Dej and Pasc. Oddly enough I probably dream about them once every 6 months, maybe even more. Even one of my friends Eman has popped into my dreams. I even had a dream about another good friend the other week. Gema and Ish.

A part of me believes that we were all meant to meet who we were all meant to meet. All things happen for a reason. People bring other people together and the paths of our lives cross for no explanation, they are simply the universe working its magic.

Some friends I do think about and how they are are some childhood best friends. In kindergarten and grade 1, I had a best friend named Martin. I don't remember his last name but I just remember having some awesome laughs with him. In highschool in family parties there was one friend I made that I can't seem to track down. Keng... Where are you?

It's time now to sort my photographs... hmmm I hope I'm a good friend.

Monday, August 09, 2010

I Can't Find It

I've been searching 2 days for it alreay. I'm starting to feel that it maybe gone forever... it's so frustrating. To clean out all this garbage my mom keeps just to know she treasures garbage more than she has stuff of us. What's even worse is that some of the stuff is all together... so which makes me feel a part of the garbage.

I'm still waiting to hear back from my brother about swapping bedrooms. The only thing is I'm currently thinking about is.. storage. I mean I built an awesome closet to store all my stuff and boxes. Now I have to figure out a way to get rid of them. I'm throwing and clearing even more stuff from my past right now. Picking stuff out to donate. I should have more stuff to get rid of but... RAR.. I have a lot of stuff. But the thing is looking at everything it's like books and perfumes and hair product stuff. My room's my office, art space, makeup centre, hair centre, library all in one and sleeping space.

What to do... where is my kindergarten picture >_<

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Plan for Change

For a while now I had put off a certain thing and that is making my studio in the basement of my home. Why? because it was dominated by my brother and mother. Big changes that I look to do in the following months. Since both my brother and mother are gone for.. lets just sometime ( half way around the world ).

My dad doesn't really know just how much I do do... which means. He doesn't know I blog, I youtube, or even have the slightest idea I want to paint again. He just thinks I'm a stupid little bitch that never listens to him. The fact that I can't leave my dad and just up and move out ( although I have saved up enough to survive on my own for 3-5 months. ) I feel like if I move out now, I'd be abandoning him.

Number of things I have to do / thinking of doing.
1 ) Clean Out Downstairs.

2 ) Set Up Art Studio.

3 ) Swapping rooms with my brother. This will let me live in the space I work in. ( I used to be downstairs. Until my brother took over the space. I'm going to be honest even though he's the oldest, I never saw how he needed the space anyways. I knew I needed space to paint and what not but he took the basement and left things half done. Oh yeah, I was the one that helped him renovate it. )

3 ) Finish Renovations ( Re-finish the kitchen cabinets or put down money to renovate whole kitchen ), repaint the washroom ceiling, paint the bedroom wall, )

4 ) Design Up BlogTV Page ( redesign twitter page )

I think putting money back into my house depends on a number of things. If I get to move downstairs, is only when I would spit out 2-3G's of my own money to renovate it. Besides that, I'd just let it be and make due with what I have. But this house of ours that I've been living in for 14 years or so has been half ass-ed finished. I'd like to finish things now...whoever started it, especially when I've had a hand in starting it. The ones I trusted to finish it never have so. I'm sorry. You're half-ass-ness makes me... angry.

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Recipe: Blueberry Muffins

MEASUREMENT INGREDIENT
1/2 CUPBUTTER
2/3 CUPBROWN SUGAR
3LARGE EGGS
1 TSPVANILLA EXTRACT
1 + 2/3 CUPFLOUR
1 TSPBAKING POWDER
1/2 TSPBAKING SODA
3/4 CUPSOYA MILK / MILK
BAKE @400F for 18-20 Mins

What Materials You'll Need:
  • Mixing Bowl
  • Spatula 
  • Big Metal Spoon
  • Muffin Pan
  • Cupcake / Muffin sheets
  • Measuring Cups ( 1/3 cup )
  • Measuring Spoons ( 1/2 tsp )

The Meeting of Relations

Last Night I had made the effort and decision to have my god brother, friend and Ry meet. See the happenings of the other night had left a little bit of a *blip* I would like to call it, somewhat in the relationship between me and Ry. This *blip* unknowingly caused by the GB. See the thing is that this is from my point of view. You all know that. My friend, also a close friend to my GB also knows Ry, so there isn't the awkwardness of Ry meeting two complete strangers. I had never in my years of relationships have friends sit down and have dinner / desserts with a significant other of mine. Especially with my GB. Before the meet I had to let Ry know that he really had nothing to worry about when it comes to my GB. So I told him my views of him and what I know of him. Truth be told. I think Ry felt 100% better about him after meeting.

There's one thing that I know I don't want to happen is losing something I now feel is one of the best things to happen to me. I feel a warm heart from Ry. I feel unloved when untouched by him in his presence, I feel excited hours before knowing I will be seeing him, I feel ... happy.

My life feels like it's rounding off now to something good. The only thing I really have to work on is art more. It's difficult when you can't really feel inspired. I hope it will come again. What does it feel like right now? I know my dream. I know what I want. I just feel I don't have the energy. Awful really. I have the heart to live, to breathe, to smile, to want. I should be striving the best I can - for every happiness and success I believe I truly deserve.

Note: Try Harder + Love Harder + Love More + Want More + Wish More + Believe More + Have More Faith + Smile More + Laugh More + Enjoy More = Good Life.

Friday, August 06, 2010

Realization Of The Month: July

Of July... There isn't a whole lot of things that really push me to the point of ... WTF! I should kick your ass / slap you really really hard across the face in hopes I can knock some sense into you.

One - is when someone messes with business. [ this is probably why I don't like handling my own business, which means, I have manager like people that handle clients and what not. ] Work is work. That's all I need to say.

Two - is when someone messes with my relationship [ with my significant other ]. If I feel like I'm about to get screwed over in a relationship and it wasn't even my fault! that makes me really really mad. Your relationship with your loved one could be fine and dandy between the two of you and then all of a sudden you have a third factor that comes in [ the worst ones are the ones that don't realize that they are doing this ] and messes with things. They start causing drama.

I've had enough of a drama filled ... 26th year thank you. I'm trying my best to step back from it, choosing carefully who I hang out with that will lessen the amount of dramatic events. But like all things not all things can be avoided not even drama. I've come to believe the meeting of polar opposites may be the cause of dramatic events that seem to stir even more. Lets just see what happens tomorrow.

I tried working out tonight. It turns out that my ribs are not fully healed yet and trying to get up during some of the p90x abs burner moves seem to stir some pain back up. This upsets me even more.. I've been out for a 3-4 weeks already... I feel so LAZY not working out.. I don't even have my Super sexy status yet... my abs... I want my abs :(

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Knowing, Learning

I've learned a few things over the years. I've learned to cut down on the bad talk. Which means trying not to be evil in thought and speech. Trust me when I say this is a hard thing to do.

I'm currently thinking very hard about loosening ties with certain people. ( Okay just one person ) It's just the pursuit of their happiness is not what they are pursuing. Their actions and words towards me have made me think differently of them. Personally I accept them for who they are but constant exposure to their energy hasn't proven me any positive outcomes. Actually it's jeopardized part of my happiness. Now I don't necessarily believe that this cutting of ties is needed but I feel that I have to get more time to re-discover what I need right now, verses trying to help someone else try to see what they should be doing with their potential and skills. I need to focus on mine. It's difficult. I'm in a noticeable artistic slump.

I cleaned my room today. One purpose. Cleaning out stuff. I will be continuing this tomorrow. I found one thing I was looking for and that is an application to an upcoming art show. My heart is ready. I should be too. Inspiration is low. I need to go out and have fun. Discover something new for myself to create something even greater while writing this story of my life.

Mr. Bus driver stopped for me again. He's Mr. Sweetness. ♥ I need to be able to wake up earlier.. but sleeping earlier is hard for me to do.

I'll confess I went shopping today. But I found the shoes I was looking for. One - beach wearable - water entering shoe, and another one sporty casual that looks good with my clothes.

There's one thing I noticed I've come to do now. I watch my surroundings a lot. I read a lot into words, actions and energy. One weird thing that's been happening is that I'm noting and talking about things that I later come to read in my books. I'm having dejavu moments a lot that were moments in my dreams coming true.

It's late... I should sleep. Tomorrow is work out day.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Thank You Mr. Bus Driver

The only best part of my day was in the morning when I was walking to the bus stop. The bus driver saw me and stopped for me to catch it... again. This time I wasn't even anywhere near the bus stop. The rest of my day... Non stop work... barely had time for lunch. I wanted to do 5K run but decided to take the dog out for a walk since he's been wanting one for the longest time, not only that he's been keeping us up in the middle of the night. The walk took 2 hours, he's now sleeping. I hope to sleep well tonight. I bought strap weights for my ankles tomorrow I hope to get some for my wrists tomorrow. WHOOH what a work out. I thought maybe it would just be better of a work out with strapped weights.

I'm happy that my injuries are healed :) my bruised ribs ... after my minor concussion was a bit of a set back in my body conditioning. :) My weight has maintained at 115 ... none-the-less I have yet to drop to 100-105 which I would like to be at... my abs area is the only one I'm really focusing on but it's mainly toning.

I hope to hit up a few places this summer before it ends. I wonder who out of my friends would like to join me. Maybe these excursions were meant to be done on my own. Some personal photography and filming time. Beaching and having fun in the sun. I hope to go visit Bowen island, hit up the beach there in hopes I perhaps find some sea glass there. :) Maybe enjoy fun in the sun in my bathing suits :P yes and tan this white stomach of mine.

Follow The Heart At All Costs

There a few things I learned over this weekend. My Friday night I went out to Night market in Richmond. My addiction to Panda's is still strong but I fought the urge to buy panda stuff. It was hard but I did it. Saturday morning I spent it with my guy until he had to go to work and I headed down to meet up with friends to watch a fireworks show. A little get together of friends and new acquaintances. Me being the girl at a sausage party. Used to it, considering I used to be a major tomboy. Most of the birthday parties I attended as a little girl in grade school, I was the only girl there. My best friends as I was growing up have always been guys. *Back to current* at the get together there was drinking and I'll admit that I had 3-4 mixed drinks. This wasn't very light, but not very heavy drinks either. I've never been drunk so I don't know what my tolerance of alcohol is. Now after 4 drinks through out the night I felt nothing. I thought if I downed my first drink like water and my others have no effect, then my tolerance is probably pretty good. I wasn't buzzed or anything so I cut myself off. I didn't want to seem very un-lady like in front of all the guys there that I can drink so much and still not be buzzed or drunk. A friend was supposed to drive me home but my god brother decided he would, but then on the way he felt he was too tired. ( around 4am ) I spent a couple hours at his place sleeping on the floor on a pillow and some cushions they use to watch television and play games on. Right when I hit the house I was texting Ry about my dilemma and being stuck in the city. I'm going to be honest to say that I was upset at my GB for not - saying he was too tired to drive me home in the first place before offering. ( yes it's nice to offer but please have the decency to do what you say ). Even though Chris is my GB, even I felt it was wrong for me to be there and got out asap as Ry said he was there. I had some weird dream when I was there, I was glad to walk out into the fresh morning air. At Ry's place I didn't get any sleep. The fact that I was sleeping in some other guy's place regardless if he's my God Brother or not upset him. The fact that I upset him, upset-ted me. What did I learn from this as I laid there next to Ry as he slept ( who had to take a pill to help him sleep because he was so upset by it and he needed to sleep cause he had another 12 hour shift coming on. ) I was so upset by the fact that I upset him...I actually spent half the morning not sleeping and just crying and convincing myself not to cry ... just cause my heart hurt from the stupid decision that I had made. I should have followed my heart in the first place when the dilemma that I may be stuck somewhere was to be dropped off at Ry's place. This incident showed me a few things. I do care a lot about Ry and I really don't want to jeopardize the best thing I feel that has ever come into my life in relationships. I'm still getting used to the fact that I have a guy that's so giving and caring and different from what I'm used. I also feel that him being upset also shows how much he does care for me, that I've already built a little place in his heart. Who's to say that he hasn't already in mine cause ... he has. I passed out sometime during the morning and we woke up late afternoon. I spent most of my Sunday... awake then at 11pm - 11am to Monday morning SLEEPING! the best sleep ever now maybe I've had a bit too much sleep. But yes. We talked about it when we woke up. To me, I know the kind of relationship I have with my god brother would never lead there. But being a Libra I can stand aside and look at if from Ry's view point. From an outsider looking in the situation looks very bad. I know. To me. When I'm in a relationship. There's a reason I choose one guy over the guys that are interested or in the pursuit of me. I feel he is deserving of it, that he's worth loving and receiving what I have to offer and that he's ready to. The chances of a guy that's already been given a chance - to be given another chance, to be honest the odds are slim. Every guy I date even just once or end up having a deep relationship with - Every one teaches me something about me, about what it is I like and don't like, what I can tolerate and what I can't, what attracts me and what doesn't. I guess my way of thinking is - If at your time you couldn't see how good of a pick I was before... and if you were foolish enough to let me go ... that is your loss because I will always to be the kind of girl / woman that is like fine wine. I will always get better with time. The reliance of the hart is one thing. But I'll be honest. Building myself as an independent human being is not a simple task. Not just living everyday life - that's easy. Actually placing yourself in on that fine line where you chance a lot just to be happy is difficult. There are certain elements you can't control- but I'm currently very much in the planing of my own destiny. I don't worry a lot about a lot of things anymore. I'm not defined by my 9-4 job, I'm not defined by the money in my bank accounts, Nor the art pieces I've made. I'm defined by the choices I make and the happiness I choose to pursue. I can't choose to believe that everyone on earth was created to live for themselves to make money and then die. To build nothing but YOU and that's it. I need to remind myself and remember that I should be "on-air" all the time broadcasting like show... sending signals out but not really expecting any signals back.. eventually you'll known you've done something right when your ratings are high and people demand more from you. :)

I think people should be afraid when others demand NOTHING from them.