Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Bitter / Sweet After Taste?

On the August 12th was the anniversary of the break up. One year since me and Trev Split. OK ok. Since he broke up with me. The last year has brought along a lot of changes. It also brought up questions. But hey if things don't work out, I'm not going to keep dwelling. There was one question more than one person asked me. That was... How did I survive a 8.5 years break up? ( My reply was: Like any other break up? ) I guess I couldn't wrap the question around what they were trying to say. I guess not everyone knows the whole story. Of how I thought I had cancer ( I was showing crazy symptoms - too scary to even blog about ) But it's a pretty easy choice when you think you're dying versus crying over a guy. Life goes on, Love can be found again. That's just the facts. But One year later and I look back at what they were pointing at .. and the truth is.. Wow. I am kinda glad my scare came at the right time. I mean. I did get out of a relationship where the guy promised to love me. To be my husband. To make me his wife. Then there's the years of realization. The saying - is different from the doing. It's true. Words are only words if they are not backed up by actions. See - years of seeing him not do anything that he said he would - not going to list them. I grew to become so much more independent ( good right? ) . The problem is now that I'm in that state that. I hold my own, you hold your own. Till you prove to me you want more. That's awful isn't it? To think that way. But ... maybe I need a guy to show me that they do want something more than just saying it. It doesn't mean anything even if you say you love me. It doesn't mean anything if you say you'll be with me. No actions with the words makes me start to feel that there are no truth behind them at all.

I've been upset lately on a number of different levels about a number of different things that I can't even start to name. Living with morons or in a house that contains men who think so highly of themselves can only bring a strong woman want to ring the necks of theses beings.

No dad, you can not just find new linoleum to fill in the broken parts of the floor only to even it out and decide to tile over it. SERIOUSLY! just rip up the old linoleum. Don't talk to me about doing it faster... I want it done right!

I've been looking online for places to move out to. My choices are between Vancouver and New Westminster. Or I can stay home and save up some more before I move out to a better place. It frustrates me - the fact that my Dad says he's allowing me to build my studio - only I can't touch my brother's stuff. Well... his stuff is in my studio space and ON my things. I'm going to be honest to say that I have always felt that I could never really do what I want to do at home. It's like a fight for space.
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