Friday, January 28, 2011

Damn SQL

Damn SQL
Anyways I'm trying to set up my new site and I have no clue why it's just not working. I tried to update the one I'm already working on but didn't work and screwed up my SQL stuff. And my new new site on my new hosting crapper and now I have to think about re-designing a redesign. I must say though this new site is going to be loaded with a bunch if stuff. Now I have to build a site that I myself will want to constantly want to update, like my blog.

I don't know what to say, I should have painted last night instead of choosing my site- but errr so annoyed that I can't decide what takes priority.

I woke up again with another stomach ache. This sucks. I want to go running but it's a bit cold.

Planning to go boarding by myself, I wonder if that's even a good idea. Seriously. What happens when I get hurt?!

Damn it Sundeep I wanted Paris song!
And people where are my paragraphs?!
I have grown to the reliance on no one but myself. I wonder why.

Wow I don't have anything much to journal about this morning. Yesterday at work was a bit if tedious long jobs. And those are the ones that make you feel that you've done nothing all day. Which blows. End of January and my thoughts are scattered when they should be centered.

Site, art, portfolio.

Center damn it, center.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


Congrats to Trevor as he became a father yesterday.

What- the train is having problems. People didn't listen properly to the announcement. Wait - damn I had to switch trains . Anyways.

I worked away last night again. Working out. I went to bed with a stomach ache though and woke up feeling sore. I worked on a logo design. And more so, I finally purchased new hosting. I was working on 500mb now I switched to 10gigs. I will be working to get a new website up. Should I re-brand myself? Dj thinks it should be my face but - I don't know. Maybe - I'm thinking about it. I have to work on transferring all my stuff - again, and think about knocking one of my clients. As she has failed to pay me yet. Another client hasn't paid me yet either, but it's not as much as 200$+. I've invoiced her and nothing.

I want to go snowboarding this season and want to do it before spring magically arrives. I have to think about how on earth I will be booking and taking my road test considering I don't have a car to book it in and might have to use the testing offices cars. Do you get to pick?! Omg - >_< . Anyways I don't want to waste the joy of having the ability to know how to board go to waste. It's a long weekend this weekend for me as I'm heading out to Seattle early next week.

However a part of me still yearns to go on that solo trip somewhere. I feel like if I go, I may not return. I may not want to / care for returning.

Sometimes I feel down, where I can only describe the feeling like I stand alone. But though I am not alone, it doesn't take away the fact I still feel like I am. I have many friends that are a joy, my life is focusing now on getting it all together. Like this is going to be a huge year, I just have to believe that it's going to change my life.

I've been feeling sick to my stomach lately. All a part of the symptoms I've felt before but these feelings are never good.

I need to paint - I hope tonight I will. I should edit a video after as well. Haven't loaded one in 2 weeks or so. Little things pop up.

I keep thinking what i should think of doing for the restaurant - but my brain keeps fighting it. Maybe I should return there soon later that week and sketch the possibilities. Eat and drink in the space. I don't want to do pure on white . Oh I just got an idea for a series, now, how do I pull this off?!

Wow- so going to be Late for work like tons of other people. Well I'm going to go daydream of what I can do now. :)

Happy day love.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Working Brain

The Working Brain
Yesterday me and my friend caught up. I used to see him almost every week- and then STOP. Called me up to do some work and chat. You see, the thing is his emotions have been just unstable as mine lately. I told him that I've been going up and down in my emotions like I'm bi-polar. One moment happy, then one moment complete and utter crap- and broken hearted feeling. I have to stop myself - but you can't help it sometimes how you feel. But I'm learning how to let go- to distract myself - fool myself into believing something else to save myself - from these emotions. Be happy with I have now. Stop questioning where you should be/ want to be and just live in the moment before the moment passes by. I then throw myself back into that series of I have until April. So, what do I have till then? I can't focus on what I want to do in the future, I have limited time, so I have to place myself in the mind frame of what I can do.

I did some work for a client last night and 3 variations of a logo for my god brother. And that is that for wrapping that up. Lots to do- so little time i must learn to divide. I will be working on my friends logo and website and perhaps painting later tonight. Work downtown has certainly died down as me and my co-worker are in the sense working our butts off to finish websites and random designs for clients . Splitting up the work and such just to knock things off the list.

My body is slimming down again. As I work out again. This time more dedicated to getting my abs. I watch what I eat and it still sucks that my face us breaking out when I'm not really drinking / eating fatty / oily food. The lady at shoppers said it might be hormones could be why my face is breaking out at random times.

Well I don't really have much to write about currently.

I thought about this yesterday that- I have to realize I'm building a foundations of a life right now as a singular person. I have to build a life before bringing a life into this world, because if I don't - I would not have anything to offer it besides love. I can't live by example- to strive to be successful - can you teach someone to be successful when you've alone never felt it. I don't want to train my kid to fall into the loop of the unhappy debt and life. No - I rather pursue happiness as a singular - and feel that before bringing something into this world to teach them to pursue some thing by pure faith that everything will be alright.

Sometimes sacrifices need to be made for other opportunities. Others are meant to be important for a reason. To trigger something greater than we ever realized.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Dreams and Reality

Dreams and Reality
There are things at time that I don't dare to blog. My reality of my deepest fears coming true. Facing what at times I myself don't want to speak of.
The fact is. On and off a around a month- traces of that - that may flow through my veins - a symptom surfaces. Reminding me that it's time to schedule another check up. This time to ask to what I so feared before.
I'm currently watching the soloist. A movie that stars two of my favorite actors. Powerful, moving, fear facing movie. My heart feels this movie, like stopping my hear to force me to listen. Making me nervous. Sometimes it takes witnessing the love someone else posses to trigger a search of your own. I however I'm prone to being aware of what's going on. Sometimes more than others.
I started writing this blog the night before yesterday. Was interrupted and accused of not paying attention, I stopped. I dare not tell him what worries that are jotted in this entry. Maybe that's what really worries me when I start to feel sick again / showing unwanted symptoms. I look back- too often and wonder. No- DJ is right to say that I must focus on now, cause now is all I really have.
I watched the green hornet the night before last, and it was the given Seth Rogan funny. I'm glad to see Jay Chou though branching off into the north American market in a fun light heart movie, and as always - loving Cameron Diaz. <3
I really have nothing to worry about but me- and my dog, who I try to make happy by giving him attention. Spending time with him, and petting him- a lot.
Works getting ridiculous- starting early and ending late is not cool- just dedicated. And does a dedicated one get rewards? I hope so.
I had a strange dream last night, something about baby, diaper, then all of a sudden someone trying to kill me in a freezer. As I run and escape. I run out of a large building and run past the large clock in front of the building to read Noodle and for some reason somewhere between the first two and last two letters are a large clock, it was a simple dial on a large wooden sign. And I was trying to read the establishment. But could see numbers but didn't understand. 530? 560? Something there. An address? I just remember running and waking up tired. You know those dreams that where you wake up, your tired cause you were running or was super active in your dream.
Man if I make a noodle shop- ever - I'm making it more easy to escape from- actually it was pretty easy. I think it was all the dodging from some crazy person trying to kill me.
I'm tired - more sleep please.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Shower fast!

Shower fast!
I probably had the fastest shower ever today- I showered, changed and left the house grabbing a banana on the way out. My bud stayed late last night working on his new adventure project. I asked at least for the local one to take me with him. I just wish I was warmer around the time he hopes to choose to do it. At least we have a basis of a website design down. My first big design project on my new comp, pretty cool. However the new design programs take a bit getting used to.

I'm so hungry :(
I wonder what's to go down this weekend. Things left so unplanned like a surprise. I guess I'll see what I can do about knocking off some things on my personal to do list.

My emotions have been getting the best of me the last few days but I'm a bit better now. I really have to focus in me- very largely. Doing videos, painting, making music. I haven't even written any short stories, maybe because I feel like my life is a huge stories, so many dramatic moments, characters. Nothing more I can say, wash your emotions and live, love, art. Let yourself be moved my passion than force. Don't force anyone but yourself. Don't believe you're not worthy, don't dream too small. Take advice, speak the truth.

I am mad at dad for stealing my space heater.

Working in my space is so cold! >_<

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Missing You

Missing You
I've been up and down with my emotions as to being content and being sad. It's not that I'm not grateful for what it is I do have but Somethings off. My friend was texting me to encourage me last night as I was watching tv and working out. It's just I miss people sometimes- friends. I don't tell them directly anymore well - I just don't. My back still hurts and when I was working out last night I realized that my arms were a bit sore, my abs were a bit sore and my legs all at the same time, this workout thing is pretty fun to play with. Like cats with a piece of string.
I got my package for my new face wash and products to treat my acne break out problem. It seems to work great, for now. I hope my skin gets better in the next few weeks. Man I'm thirsty :(.
I felt yesterday I do miss the morning messages I use to get- but the heart doesn't say out loud all the things it wishes to when thoughts cross their mind. Man I need music. New music onto my phone :p
Nothing to complain about- just lots of things to do. Me and my co-worker was thinking we should go boarding after work one day together. Lol- she then suggests tomorrow we should call in sick and go. I said with our current deadlines- the boss would shit his pants.
Yesterday morning outside my building at work there were three little coke trucks all in a row. I think the drivers were chilling in Tim Hortons but these trucks were hybrid trucks which impressed me. Coke- props to you for taking an environmental step. :)
What do I have to work on today? I fell asleep last night designing a logo for my buds new business venture. Time to relax the rest of this skytrain ride. Good morning Vancouver :)
Oh, to my friends. I miss you.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Working it

Working it
I spent money on a yoga mat may be one of the last things I spend money on this month. Well it was a workout set thing but my abs hurt. From working out last night.

I've been feeling spats of heartache and sadness lately. Even though most of the time I feel perfectly fine. Happy. Then those feelings of- unfulfilled comes in. I'm working on it. I shouldn't feel this way. I have good friends. In a good relationship. Family life has changed.

I finished designing this graphic last night for cousin Jonny's birthday at the end of this month. I hope to get some shirts out by then.

My back still hurts a bit, I have to try not to slouch. Thin out my stomach, finish my goldfish series.

Yesterday the boss was sick and I felt like I was a monkey running around. Answering the phone not knowing really which client I was talking to- just trying to find answers to their questions. At the end of the day- I realized the real effort my boss puts in when holding down the fort. I really just want to design.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Planning a Get Away

Planning a Get Away
Its already the middle of the month and I'm so excited about the end of the month. Planning a get-away with the Bf from this little city of ours. To Seattle - hey it's still somewhere. I've been to Seattle before. I wonder if the vinyl toy store is still there. I remember them having a series of shops that had art and vinyls and clothes combined. I booked the hotel last night. Before I went to sleep at 2ish am. I was uploading videos that were long over due to be uploaded. I feel so horrible. I should burn those photos for hockey for Kero.

Chris is getting himself back on his feet, but I don't want him to forget about everyone else. Same with me!

Me and my sis are planning a new YouTube channel together doing skits. I don't know, I just feel it will be fun. I'm thinking of making a panda suit. I know that's pretty weird to say, but I just think it would be awesome to surprise my nephew too. I wonder what his reaction would be like.

My mind is so blank. I'm to plan a dinner with a few relatives of my X. Since I do miss them and would love to see all the babies as well. It's really weird the thought. I never was in a relationship where I simply loved the family, especially for so long. Watching babies grow up only to one day - stop. Like they died to you and you died to so many people. But you didn't. You see them randomly and you say your hi's and byes and catch up but it's harder now even with technology to keep in touch and update. Time passes like the wind, invisibly but seen.

I feel like I want to sing- but investment in a mic is non-existent at the moment. And I have to get the guitar re-strung.

There was that population theory that we're going to reach a record high in the next few years. I don't remember how many people but I wonder is this right? How can you count that for sure? I mean people are dying in masses due to natural disasters currently happening all around the world. There was that flood in south America, China, where else? Has anyone ever considered that God is simply evening out the odds? I'm not saying that he's going on a killing rampage with all this but - read the bible- I'm just saying- this isn't the first time he's been recorded in the bible about being sick and tired of the population aging, living in sin and poverty. The ratio to people and resources are not looking good but we can plant trees just as fast as we cut them down but to grow them in time is the problem. Water- Earth as in minerals - that's limited.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Pain Lies

The Pain Lies

Well my week started a bit nice with spending time with the Bf. More than nice it was heartwarming when I started to mess up my back - and he held me as I tried to put on my boots <3 and I struggled through the pain. Our 7 months pass by without us recognizing it. In the last 5 days, I've bought 6 large canvases to prepare for the next set of artwork that will go for hanging up at a great location.

My week past week I thought would go awesome until Saturday afternoon as the day started out great, sleeping in, going to dimsum with my guy. Then around later afternoon when we go back to his place to rest. I check my phone to see who's been texting me. My sister apparently had been franticly trying to contact me. My dad had called. They tried to get a hold of me to tell me that - my dad called my sister to say that he was going to bring the dog to the vet to put him down. My sister at that point did everything in her will to contact any of us siblings. Brother in - Australia. Me in Vancouver. I pack up my things and rush back home- we decided to bring the dog to the vet. My sister didn't show up that much later than I did. But when we checked on the dog he was lively. Happy to have someone pet him he cuddled up in bed for affection searching blindly for a hand. Me and my sister were in the state of - WHAT THE HELL!! - when we came back home to see him like this. My dad had told us that he was not moving and not eating and just sleeping. My dad then tells us in person - oh he's been more active today. - SERIOUSLY. We brought the dog to an emergency animal hospital. Our regular vet was already closed by the time we got there. Doggy had a check up, then we decided what to do. Try to seek treatment or just put him down? - me and my sister asked our father how much he was willing to save our family dogs life. Dad said no more than 500$. The check up price for X-ray, blood work, antibiotics and such came up to 630$ another 52$ for medication after that. The results came out good. but my parents refuse to stop giving the dog sugar water when we were told he may have dental disease. So set in their ways. Makes me wish I had my own place to just steal him to - so I can feed him to the top and make him fat again. Not too long ago I remember carrying him and wondering why he was so heavy- it's the 180 now. You run your hand along his spine and it's bones. he's so light. After the clear of the results and x-ray. They then call us in to tell us he may have cancer and if is causing him pain, we have to consider doing the most humane thing. My dad drops me off at the sisters as he brings the dog home. I sleep over to spend some time with my nephew. He gets very cheeky with me now. Walking up and pinching my legs when I wear shorts. He will smile at me and play peek-a-boo. If I lay on the ground, he'll come an inspect what I'm doing. Push me to roll me over. He loves laptops. Pressing buttons. He used me to climb onto the couch and he gives me a heart attack when it seems like he's about to fall off the couch. You have to have quick reflexes being a parent, I give props to you all! It's funny the way the little one is. He'll come close enough to get a hug - be he fights me off and returns to do the same thing over again.

Yesterday I was a bit upset when I was peeling chicken for the dog to eat for dinner. My mom tells me after 2-3 tablespoon fulls that it was enough. I was upset and let it be known that at the point of how skinny the dog is now. I will feed him till he couldn't eat anymore. So saying enough to me to give him food would have been no use cause I wouldn't tolerate it.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Packed and lacked

Packed and lacked
I pack everything but one! Frickin- laptop charger cable. Damn it. Anyways I started this blog entry a little late but that should be fine.

Yesterday the hallways of my level in the building I work at were being painted. I wondered what if some random person walked up and ruined what they were doing. Ok when I say random- I mean me. Jkjkjk- seriously as I exited the washroom with my co-worker and walked by one of the two painters, I kind of broke out in a giggle imagining someone just walking up to a newly painted wall raising their hands and slamming themselves to the wall and rolling along the wall. Stop, looks at the painter and tells them to paint it again. I really don't know why I thought of that- then i thought, are there painters out there that sabotage one another like that?? Or time is money- and work is work with no real fun. When I told my co-worker this little thought she laughed as well. Then said the obvious- you would so ruin your clothes.

I realized my works going into overload. 13+ current clients with on going projects right now. All wanting and needing something to get done. Time to get serious. I hope I get to play soon :(

Monday, January 10, 2011

Another Early Morning

Another Early Morning
Well woke up at 5 and did the normal exercises but more to get back into the swing of things. I really need to get to bed earlier. 1am is bad >_< but I guess a part of me just isn't tired out when I'm alone.

But I am sleepy. 1 hour of sleep makes a difference.

I spent most of the weekend painting. I am working on a 5 piece goldfish series. Its difficult to film when my camera only has 70 mins of filming session. Less I believe cause the battery drains quickly.

I'm slimming back down - since after the holidays of eating horribly.

I really don't know what to talk about today. Tax stuff is coming up and I have to spend a weekend to go and do that. I really don't feel like it. I should be doing it at the end of every month keeping track of my expenses- updating that spread sheet.

I'm gonna get some shut eye before work.

Friday, January 07, 2011

Earlier Than The Bell

Earlier Than The Bell
Well, I woke up today before my alarm went, but I also fell asleep to with the tv on. I woke up and when my phone alarm went off - Bones ( one of my favorite shows ) was playing. I did some ab tightening work outs as I laid there. Nothing intense just leg raises and knee to chest stretches and such.

I feel better than yesterday. Although I did start to get bit of chest pains last night. I don't know what it is, just feels like my heart hurts.

Yesterday after work I walked out with Sonia and parted ways at the end of the block. I underestimated the amount of time it took to walk from my work to the Westin Hotel. I had a meeting with an old acquaintance I would call my friend- I have known for 10 years and chatted with him online for most of that time. ( we never really had face to face conversations till yesterday. ) I also met with another manager there. I looked onto the walls of the Westin's restaurant - hidden and the potential for art on the walls is unbelievable. I mean the walls are large in scale. High ceiling, one giant bare wall. Big windows. Reminds me of a dream I had once. They gave me an identity sheet of Westin's to keep to the same kind of style. Which I already envisioned the thoughts of the style for the space to be. Or something in that direction .

My Friend took me for a tour around the pool deck and suggested if I was interested in doing an Artshow - that would be an awesome space. The other manager agreed as well. - the whole thing seemed unreal to be honest- making me nervous about making the pieces for the space. It would be some of the biggest pieces I'd have to produce. But I even told my friend - it's the good kind of nervous.

I noticed my gloves were gone- and I have no clue where I could have lost it. In the restaurant? The washroom? My work? I loved that pair- I got it in Toronto. I wonder if I can find another pair here. Toronto - my friend Sean - messages me the other day to say I'm awesome for wishing him a happy new year, apparently I was the only bud that sent him a message. And he inquired when I was going back to Toronto to visit cause he thought it was fun and weird to chill with me. :p

- well I just got to work and yay! My gloves are here! :) life's good.

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Tired and Upset

Tired and Upset
I didn't hear my phone and it's text messages till I checked my phone before going to bed to find some messages. And they left me staying up for an extra half an hour to an hour because of my emotions. SJ was right that emotions should not control me but - kind of difficult when I'm a woman. Emotions rule a lot of what we do and the choices we choose to make.

I'm tired and really wanted to sleep this morning. Strange though, I woke up this morning feeling like someone stroked my hand. My eyes shot open and a few seconds after my phone alarm went off. I try to exercise right when I get up - but it's pretty difficult. When your body is telling you that it needs more sleep. I've been running on 5 hours or less each day and I really don't know how long this will last. I would think I just need to get a routine going. At least I wasn't running for the bus this morning and I actually ate before leaving the house.

Yesterday- Ry's message made me feel like I'm being so selfish. Am I? I'm bidding for one day out of 7. I haven't seen him since... Christmas?

Wow - I really want to go back to bed right now - I wonder what the rest of D-Meth Crew are up to.

I painted last night but didn't film it- it was just a background I was painting- not the main subject of the paintings. I'm thinking how really want it to look.

I'm falling asleep. Gonna shut my eyes a bit before work. - lates

Wednesday, January 05, 2011


Yeah- I'm so fricken pissed off right now- mad to the point of heart aches. How much the parents anger me is beyond. The one little annoying thing. I'm about to head upstairs to leave and they knock on the ceiling. Really?! I'm about to leave and you pull this wake up call shit. So now- I'm full in the thought of moving out. I can save up a lot in the next few months. I can't believe they would still pull this bullshit with me. And I'm getting really tired of the fact all my dad can talk about at dinner is how much he spent on the food were eating. Good prices and bargains - and what he should have bought more of. One thing about my parents. They still buy and cook like they are feeding 5 people. They over spend and over cook and more food goes to waste. But then now? They've slowed down in buying groceries though. So I step in to compensate and buy foods I would most likely eat. Problem with that is - they cook my food cause they think it should be their way. When - I don't really like to eat what they eat. So most of the time at dinner - I don't touch more than half what's on the dinner table. Why don't I cook? Well- when I do, they do something to disrespect me when I do- they say I shouldn't cook things a certain way- that all food should be cooked- ( even salads) and then if that's not bad enough- they will cook more food even if they see the food there. So - that's why I don't try. I rather just - move out. I do hesitate to leave my dad- there with my mom. Why? Last time - mom was sick- she wasn't hungry - so she didn't cook. She didn't cook - and dad skipped a meal. And dad fainted. Oh yeah, he was sick too. It's unnecessary bullshit. I thought it could be avoided - them getting sick - but they love to prod and pry and mostly it's useless cause they never ask. How are you?

Whatever- anyways yesterday was pretty good first day at work- but then the boss was having technical problems. The aura in the office was getting thick and I went to lunch with a friend - which was nice. We went to tsunami sushi and I became fascinated by the fact that they had the sushi bar with the boats floating in the water that was making the sushi pass by along the bar.

After work - I went to go shopping for my boots- too bad the pair I wanted wasn't on sale- or atleast the black pair- but I got them anyways cause I have been wanting them for the longest time. - no regrets here.

I'm kind of sad about the fact that I'm not seeing Ry that much these days. He's working lots. And me- I'm working too- but I feel a little neglected like I'm not even in a relationship.

I'm hoping tonight I can do some painting. The new series I'm thinking of is goldfish. It's going to interesting.

I'm a bit sleepy and tired :( gonna just day dream now-

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Starting Work Earlier

Starting Work Earlier
OMG- I can't believe how much people are on the train right right now. And I have he strangest feeling the girl across from me keeps staring at me. Maybe personal paranoia but ugh. I hate that shit. I leave the house this morning and doggy walks me out. I go tell my dad I'm leaving for work and he's shocked - so early?! -um yeah . You can go back to sleep for another few hours as I start work at 8am now. So go back to your half lazy life- thank you. I made myself something to eat around 5-6 yesterday and he gave me the - why didn't you cook dinner for me, you never cook me dinner- talk. Really? I ate cereal - and I have cooked - no one ever really eats it - no matter how good it is cause it's 'western' food. So - suck it.

My friend Hugh - calls me and let's me know he needs art for the hotel he works for. I'm really just glad to have the heart to produce art right now. The fact that ideas are flowing in. But if I have a steady flow a location that needs art. Exposure is really what I'm going for. The thought of auctioning it off at the end of three months is good. Four times a year - while still producing art for the final art show.

I hardly have to worry about that now- my minds filled with personal relationship stuff. It weights heavy on my heart- not knowing where things are going. A part of me feels like the Bf avoids the talk- and I'm at the brink of - times a ticking. I've told him how I feel- it's on his half I'm waiting on.

Maybe I shouldn't think about that too much and just focus on art- whole hearted and engulfed myself in it. Besides downtown work - that is.

I'm currently trying to train myself to let go of future expectations. What does this mean? You see- having the 'psychic' ability to sometimes foresee some events. Sucks- then there's the - will that really happen? Comes to question. And is it not happening cause I keep holding on to it , not allowing the course of events to unfold itself to lead to it's final outcome. Let go of the dream where my kids are eating breakfast- my art show . Two big wants of the future. Two things I've dreamt of. that I have to let go of. Not because I don't believe they will happen- is the fact that deeply in my heart I do. I just have to let it go to allow it to manifest into reality.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Endless Chatter

I feel a bit sorry for my sister. As I stood and watched and listened helplessly to the endless chatter of parents announcing their worries to her as she was well aware of her surroundings. I had this chatter in my ear as I tried to be the photographer for the baby's photos of his first birthday. It's like all your emotions speaking all at once - basically if you were in the same environment for too long, you'll understand why some people go crazy hearing voices in their head. If they hear voices - it better be all at once. Cause voices one by one - can't make you go crazy, it's basically your conscience. I'll be honest, as everyone was speaking all at once - I just wanted to tell everyone to shut the f- up. It was on my brink of rudeness. Not on my behalf - everyone was being rude and it was making me disgusted.

Spending the last few days with my sister was nice. Even nicer to spend it with my nephew who'd wave to me in the mornings, smiled at me as I played little games with him. Yesterday was his birthday. The night before me and my sister worked on the main cake for baby Ethan's first birthday. The main character from Cars. Lighting McQueen Cake. I spent most of the time mixing icing and placing it on the cake. Yesterday, I carved out Domo Kun and iced him for a second part of Baby Ethan's Birthday Cakes. It was annoying when dad shows up as I was finishing up icing Domo Kun. He tells me as I'm icing to go get the baby, who was crying for my sister - who was cooking to pick him up. He tells me to be more faster. OK - unreasonable request - even my sister steps up to get him off my back. I tell my dad to pick the baby up, cause all he wants to do is see what mommy's doing. How do I know this, I picked him up this morning to view what mommy was cooking during breakfast. I noticed a few things about baby Ethan - he gets bossy with food. He loves food. He climbs everywhere like a monkey, which he gets from the sister. He understands me when I say things to him, he looks at me knowingly and smiles.

Before working away on the Domo Kun Cake, me and my sister went to toys-r-us. I wanted to buy duplo for baby, but my sister talks me out of it, cause baby's too young still. Well she better be careful cause next year... I'm getting him twice as much. I ended up getting him a doodle pad. One of those ones that you draw on and you slide the thing at the bottom to clear what you've drawn. I was thinking of getting him an aqua pad drawing thing but, they didn't have the one I wanted. We then head on over to best buy and I get baby a toy wii control since he always wants ours as me and my sister are playing dancing games. I got myself a movie I always wanted to get and that's the final fantasy movie. The animation is so amazing!

I'm home now, took a shower and feel great. Tomorrow will be the last day of my so called vacation time. Longest time I've had off all 2010 - to be honest. I loved it - even though I was sick. I'm going to clean my room, clear out some recycling, and move some last things about. Finish updating my website. There's so much I want to do this year! I can't wait to get started on so many things.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Can't sleep.

Can't sleep.
Ending of the first day of the new year and I can't sleep. What is my brain thinking about. Nothing much really. But then I watch this video, saying 7 billion people will populate the earth by the end of 2011. This can't be correct. This has to be an estimation. People die all the time, people are also born all the time. But a part of me believes that the death toll is higher than the birth toll. Why? - we have the freak natural disasters. The suicide bombers, the killers, people that go missing. Did that tsunami not kill a lot of people? Or Haiti's earthquake? Even with all the natural disasters - is the population growing so dramatically? Who's having all these babies? -

My sisters fiancé was talking about buying an island if the had won the 50million from the lottery. Power the island with a generator. I said, you can opt for energy windmills and solar panels. That's what I would do.

My sister would like to start a new YouTube channel- write skits and we act them out. It would be good to pass time like that with her. It'll be so much fun. With baby too.

Starting to wish boyfriend was a Dj - to mix music / produce music for my videos. A lot of time goes into producing a video. I have to start learning new programs to pimp out my new computer.

I would like to learn more on how to play a musical instrument. I thought about buying a violin, but my sister said those things are hard to learn.

I'm looking into buying more professional dresses for work. Dress to impress- not really. Mostly just to make myself feel good. And i look fabulous in dresses. The right dresses that is.

I've been thinking about painting more. What is the next series I should do after my goldfish series which is the next one coming up. I can't believe I forgot that painting heals my soul. My minds just focused on that. That's mine - my creation- me. I in that moment focus on building / painting - me.

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Happy New Year!

I must say, I'm glad that 2010 is over. It's the final cleansing and I'm free of past emotions. 2010 - I fell in love before you and out of love in the first few days of you. Back in love when my nephew was born. Thought I was in love with someone that I was taken with in the autumn of '09 and re-evaluated myself to believe that could not be true. It didn't make sense to. And I let that thought of love go. Then randomly there was a surge of pursuers which I was no used to. Then - Now - I feel loved, actually - I don't know how I really feel. I did say how I felt - and I got a hug and kiss? -_- but that's the typical now. I expect that when I say I love to someone. It's like what I say to strangers that have said they loved me. "THANK YOU". Thank you replies hurt. Shit. I shouldn't say thank you anymore. Should I reply - I love you . Actually, should I? say that too? But I don't know them. I never want to miss lead people you know, some people are  crazy. He loves me, I feel it in his hugs and kisses. I'm starting to feel I need beyond that. I am a 27 year old that does believe - if there is not proof of a real commitment and the want of something more after 6 months, is it worth the time to keep in it? I mean my heart hurts even typing this but, I don't have a year to spend on someone - who might just be in it for fun. Just - taking it easy. If I want to have a kid and married by age 30. I need to be in a relationship with someone at least 2 years before knowing they are the one Or must have known them longer ( Needs to pass that 2 years - in love stage ). For all this to happen. I don't have that big gap of - looking for Mr. Right. My time was wasted before. Is it foolish for me to say that I don't have the time to waste on those who believe - lets just see where this goes? Swing - Miss and Heart breaks. I've played these games - Don't pressure it. I shouldn't pressure guys... I know this. There was a part of me that once believed that if they loved me- they would just come tell me, pursue me. But life's never that easy.  Pressure - Want to know pressure and stress - then terms of realization? When I was younger I always believed I would be engaged and having a baby by 25. 25! I always thought any time after - I'd just be pushing it. I'll be old. I want to see my baby, my babies babies, my babies- babies- babies. So that was a great age to have a baby - 25. Then I became single. My baby goal at 25 died. I had to face reality that - I passed my baby wanting age because relationship finding is hard! - finding the right person takes time. Which means - In the next few years if things don't work out for me in finding someone, getting engaged, married, having a kid. I have to accept that. I have to let go. Even though in my heart - I want that. I have to let go. Especially when you're in the state of - I'm dying. You smile at the thoughts of those wants and say. "You're dying - remember? You don't have time for that. Just Love as much as you can for as long as you can." Re-evaluate yourself when you place your pressures on someone - The one that loves you should rise up to the challenge if they loved you. If you love them, you should bring your expectations if too far up, down to a compromise.

My sister told me of a dream that she had. That we were as we are now, but lived in a house in Brunei. A rich man from down the street, four houses away from our house came to ours with a Chinese traditional festive lion dance and servants that delivered a golden invitation which was an offer for me for my hand in marriage. My sister said I was happy about the invitation and waved it around dancing saying I got a golden ticket. - I was laughing when she told me this dream. I would have said, "I feel like Charlie, and I'm going to the Chocolate Factory."

Before this year started. I texted all my friends / people I knew ( whoever on my phone ) wishing them a happy new year. It's a simple wish.

Here are my thoughts from last year to this new year.
People shouldn't look too deep into things. Take things at face value. Don't hold back unless you're willing to miss an opportunity of a life time. Don't fear to say how you feel, especially when it comes to loving someone, because well fear shouldn't exist with love. Love is strong when the knowing is strong. Fear to love, then your love should be fear. But if you fear in love - it should be in losing it. When you fear losing someone's love - can only mean you really love them. Hold more love for yourself than offering it. Expect less from others, more from yourself. Their dreams are not your dreams. Your skills are limitless. Want more, strive more, art more. Love everyone - or at least try to. Forget the past, it happened, you can't change it - Love that it happened. You can't love who are you today without loving those who created you in this moment.

PS. Happy 1.1.11 :)