Saturday, January 01, 2011

Happy New Year!

I must say, I'm glad that 2010 is over. It's the final cleansing and I'm free of past emotions. 2010 - I fell in love before you and out of love in the first few days of you. Back in love when my nephew was born. Thought I was in love with someone that I was taken with in the autumn of '09 and re-evaluated myself to believe that could not be true. It didn't make sense to. And I let that thought of love go. Then randomly there was a surge of pursuers which I was no used to. Then - Now - I feel loved, actually - I don't know how I really feel. I did say how I felt - and I got a hug and kiss? -_- but that's the typical now. I expect that when I say I love to someone. It's like what I say to strangers that have said they loved me. "THANK YOU". Thank you replies hurt. Shit. I shouldn't say thank you anymore. Should I reply - I love you . Actually, should I? say that too? But I don't know them. I never want to miss lead people you know, some people are  crazy. He loves me, I feel it in his hugs and kisses. I'm starting to feel I need beyond that. I am a 27 year old that does believe - if there is not proof of a real commitment and the want of something more after 6 months, is it worth the time to keep in it? I mean my heart hurts even typing this but, I don't have a year to spend on someone - who might just be in it for fun. Just - taking it easy. If I want to have a kid and married by age 30. I need to be in a relationship with someone at least 2 years before knowing they are the one Or must have known them longer ( Needs to pass that 2 years - in love stage ). For all this to happen. I don't have that big gap of - looking for Mr. Right. My time was wasted before. Is it foolish for me to say that I don't have the time to waste on those who believe - lets just see where this goes? Swing - Miss and Heart breaks. I've played these games - Don't pressure it. I shouldn't pressure guys... I know this. There was a part of me that once believed that if they loved me- they would just come tell me, pursue me. But life's never that easy.  Pressure - Want to know pressure and stress - then terms of realization? When I was younger I always believed I would be engaged and having a baby by 25. 25! I always thought any time after - I'd just be pushing it. I'll be old. I want to see my baby, my babies babies, my babies- babies- babies. So that was a great age to have a baby - 25. Then I became single. My baby goal at 25 died. I had to face reality that - I passed my baby wanting age because relationship finding is hard! - finding the right person takes time. Which means - In the next few years if things don't work out for me in finding someone, getting engaged, married, having a kid. I have to accept that. I have to let go. Even though in my heart - I want that. I have to let go. Especially when you're in the state of - I'm dying. You smile at the thoughts of those wants and say. "You're dying - remember? You don't have time for that. Just Love as much as you can for as long as you can." Re-evaluate yourself when you place your pressures on someone - The one that loves you should rise up to the challenge if they loved you. If you love them, you should bring your expectations if too far up, down to a compromise.

My sister told me of a dream that she had. That we were as we are now, but lived in a house in Brunei. A rich man from down the street, four houses away from our house came to ours with a Chinese traditional festive lion dance and servants that delivered a golden invitation which was an offer for me for my hand in marriage. My sister said I was happy about the invitation and waved it around dancing saying I got a golden ticket. - I was laughing when she told me this dream. I would have said, "I feel like Charlie, and I'm going to the Chocolate Factory."

Before this year started. I texted all my friends / people I knew ( whoever on my phone ) wishing them a happy new year. It's a simple wish.

Here are my thoughts from last year to this new year.
People shouldn't look too deep into things. Take things at face value. Don't hold back unless you're willing to miss an opportunity of a life time. Don't fear to say how you feel, especially when it comes to loving someone, because well fear shouldn't exist with love. Love is strong when the knowing is strong. Fear to love, then your love should be fear. But if you fear in love - it should be in losing it. When you fear losing someone's love - can only mean you really love them. Hold more love for yourself than offering it. Expect less from others, more from yourself. Their dreams are not your dreams. Your skills are limitless. Want more, strive more, art more. Love everyone - or at least try to. Forget the past, it happened, you can't change it - Love that it happened. You can't love who are you today without loving those who created you in this moment.

PS. Happy 1.1.11 :) 
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