Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Loving

Loving
No one is a mind reader in a relationship. It takes great relationships to know this. Many things stem from miscommunication. It leads to frustration and that ultimately brings you to break up. Because one or the other or both can't communicate well enough on a level to say: I don't feel loved. That is an understandable statement. The - I don't know how I feel loved - is one I really don't understand. I can smother someone with love and have no idea what they love about my love. I can take it all away and then they feel like nothing to me. I know that's a little mean but I usually reflect what's given. I let the guys lead a lot because if I'm in charge for too long - I might just grow a penis. Oh wait god blessed me with something better- that's right. Should I just play the game. Give it all and want nothing - demand nothing and just do for them and yourself endlessly - when you're in a domain, own it? Be an endless powerful bitch? - I can do that. But that's not me. I don't want to take care of someone in the future - if they clearly cannot take care of me- and if they complain about it. The truth is unhappiness sets in in everyone eventually - especially when no one states they are unhappy and are unwilling to do something about it. I've had many thoughts in wondering if it is hopeless that I should simply move one once again. But life isn't that easy. The heart doesn't love foolishly. It's now in cooperation with the mind to distinguish what is tolerable and what is not. It took me a while to find what makes me feel loved. It takes a lot of self thought. Which is hard to those that think about everything but taking care of themselves. That's dangerous. Self understanding is sometimes needed more than anything. Knowing what you don't like and do like. Those that love you - will come to love you by knowing this because you're so defined. When they remember - you will feel loved. Knowing sometimes is loving.

I feel loved ...
when one offers up their hand to me.
When one holds my hand randomly.
When I receive something unexpected.
When I receive messages of care and concern. ( I miss morning messages *sigh* )
When one feeds me / when not asked to.
When one brings me somewhere and makes it feel like a delightful field trip.
When one tells me they do and follows it with a hug.
When one shares new experiences with me.
When is openly honest with me.

There is probably more but I can't think of anymore at this moment.

Roller hockey is starting tomorrow and I'm not particularly ready. Have to work out more. But I'm happy I get to finally play with my friend after these few years. I haven't seen him since - Wow I can't even remember- since Mia passed away and I bought her gear? But we've kept in touch now and then.

I've been feeling sick again - symptoms returning now and then but not often. I know since the new year has started I'm more tired - I want to hibernate on the weekends and look forward to it. Simply wanting to stay in bed.

Last Sunday I worked on my website - 90% till launch. I had to Photoshop some photos- do a lot of file transfers. Setting up half the site. Just - staring at a screen all day to me- i get so tired out and it isn't the best as I am noticing my eyes getting worse.

I should really go for an eye exam soon.

I shall always love myself before loving another.

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