Behind SyloArts

I come back here and I get reminded why I hate returning. He scolds me - tells me my knowledge of health information is only 1 percent compared to what he knows. He threats that I should eat rice. [ Really dad... isn't it my choice what I choose to eat. Trust me if I were to become a vegetarian he would yell at me to eat meat. ] I'm on the brink of tears brought by this man. Seriously I have no idea why he has this ability. Why I even take it so personal, like so many times my sister has advised me not to. You would think the person that was part of the responsibility of bringing you into this world would build you up, not knock you down. If it wasn't physical abuse during my childhood it was mental up until adulthood. Seriously why am I still here??? ... I owe this man money... but not my life. I feel even more stupid still feeling any kind of love for this man anymore. I used to feel bad that I would abandoning him if I moved out, but seriously... no more. It's ridicu...

Alright this blog is gonna be all about ... The fact that you're not good enough.  No - No I'm just kidding. My god brother said something to me that inspired this blog entry, he said something along the lines of, "girls say that I'm a nice guy and that I'm very sweet, but I'm not good enough to date." Well I'm pretty sure that if some girl said you're not good enough for them to date to your face -I'm sorry I find that kind of bitchy - and I'm going to be honest to say, have you ever considered the fact that if she is that rude enough to say that to your face without you having to ask ( but maybe I can't fault her for being honest ) - perhaps it's you that deserves better? Well this all coming from a girl, all girls like and look for different aspects in the guys they date. It's the combination of things at times and sometimes some girls have their heads up their ass when in search of their "perfect guy". The great ...

My shopping splurge has for the moment filled apart of my lack of creativity. I no longer seem to get as inspired as much as I once did. What does that mean? Should I be in a preparation of my own? If I'm feeling the lack of inspiration does that mean that I should now step up and prepare the ways of being my own inspiration and for everyone else around me? I should create for everyone else. I'm not fulfilling their dreams ( unless I'm on their pay roll ) I'm painting for me. I'm doing this for my dreams and future yet I still can't produce anything. What is it that I'm afraid of? This boggles me. Maybe I should step down not in the position of which I'm in constant pursuit of my dreams - that I won't step aside from. What I should retreat from is the over thinking. One of my biggest flaws is having the ability and want rinsed it from all sides. I should not strive too hard for fame, success, money. I should just strive to be awesome at being me and ...

This morning my dad is driving me to the skytrain station as I make my way to work and he tells me about some young teenager died after jumping out of a moving vehicle because they were in some sort of argument with their parent. Hey I just googled it dad, there doesn't seem to have been an arguement - but that's besides the point. My dad starts to go off and say that it's all the movies these days that makes people think that they can do this stuff and be alright. Then I go to ask did anyone do this when they were in his generation. I would think people of this generation would be smart enough to know the difference between the MOVIES and reality. Really. My dad's reply was "yes" - around his era [ haha I'm making dad sound so old ] - Spider-man came out and there were reports of kids and people dying with the costume on - falling from buildings and such. What was my first thought? [ I hope this isn't too mean ] My first thought was, WOW - what dumb p...

There are a few things that make me feel a bit uncomfortable when I am with Ry, but somethings I just have to get used to. There's him looking at really really attractive girls online. See I can't do that cause I don't know a lot of really really attractive guys in my social circle, nor do I particularly follow Good looking guys in anything. Or at least super good-looking. Makes me feel a bit... Not up to his standards. These girls he looks at are model material and I just feel...am I not good enough. Well even though I am striving for some of their figures... I just feel maybe I'm just not attractive enough to lure his eyes away from others. Or do guys do this regardless how good looking their current girlfriend is? I don't know, maybe I'm being paranoid, but I know I wouldn't be one of those girls that checks out other guys online and randomly ask once and a while... Hey babes, do you think this guy is hot?  I'm not going to lie... I do check out guys ...

Yes after a full day outing for me - the next day is usually recovery day. Unless I have endless awesome fun time with friends planned out. I spent most of the day in bed snuggled up watching Dragon Ball Z. I did go out. I got to drive, Yay some more practice hours of driving. I got two movies that I've always wanted to watch and they are Role Models and Lock,Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. I picked up the movies at Superstore with Ry and we walked about looking at groceries. I introduced Ry to Kettle Corn Popcorn when we got a bag from night market the first time we went. :) I can't believe he'd never tried it before, but I'm glad he liked it.

How on earth do I recall the chain of events from yesterday? Lets see. I woke up pretty early in the morning to get ready for my first Grouse Grind. My dad wakes up to me surfing on the web, all dressed to go and eventually asks where I'm going. I tell him and he says I shouldn't spend my time doing such random stupid things. [ Just last night he said I should look up some books on how to keep friends. ] I'm telling you.. what a wonderful father to have, right?! - Anyways - My friend Ed comes to pick me up. Well not really, cause he's helping me get my driving practice hours in and I did all the driving with him. It was really funny doing Grouse Grind with Ed. Why? because me being the little whiner that I am and weakling - he was chirping in my ear the whole time that we were almost there. Saying random stuff. A lady even asked as she passed by questioning if we were a couple and we both replied 'no'. She said "Oh, okay, cause he's really mean to you....

This post is spurred on by thoughts from a friend who says he regrets a lot in life. The truth is... regret nothing. We are created - living organisms that will always be full of mysteries. We are powerful beings. We have the power to create life and more dangerously take life away. We have the choice ( regardless what one says ) to be strong and to be weak. To fight or surrender. To live or to die. To remember or forget. To be in the know or to be in the dark. Life can't just be about reproduction - if it's up to nature and that's all that we're here for, then mother nature would not go into a rampage once and a while and decide to kill a couple hundred / thousands of people at one time or random times through out the year. Think about it. The world is becoming over populated, then BAM! - a natural disasters occur. If it's Global warming then the production of what we have dubbed is needed to sustain our survival in a world of 'want' may actually lead to th...

See once you notice you are suffering spouts of depressions - You , when strong enough, choose to fight it. I always do. I know because I'm loved. Regardless how I feel, I know beyond all doubts that someone out there - Loves me. One of my first steps to reclaiming me is I kinda dubbed today - Super Sexy Friday - I'm going to try to see if I can get to do this every Friday. I dress up and make me feel completely sexy and super fabulous. What made my day. As I was at the bus stop a trucker drives by and gives me a wave and I wave back. I hope I made his day :) . I got a few smiles too going to work . 3-4 . Not that many. Work was tiring. I'm trying to design a logo right now and my awesome skills are just not pleasing the boss to his extent. That upsets me. I created my other two blogs that I wanted to start. One purely for writing my short stories. Another for my fine arts - for more focus and to write the notes and tips I've learned from Oriental painting. I have t...

A dream's only a dream. It means nothing unless you make it a goal. The last line of my paragraph only means that the person I thought I was in love ( from my dream ) had never showed me he really did love me.. I have no idea why I would think I was in love with them. The truth is in the FULLY awake realm. I know I'm not in love with that person. I don't even know what that dream was about really. I should have blogged about what's really bothering me. I have this problem. I never say what's really bothering. What's really really bothering me to anyone. You have to go three layers deep to really get anything from me in person. I should have wrote about this yesterday night but I went for layer two. Welcome to layer three of my real chatter thoughts. I have a pretty bad issue that I deal with - the truth is, a lot of people deal with this. But I've been hit bad lately with it and that's Depression. I don't know how to describe it. It's not only ...

I may have been quiet for a bit, but my mind has been filled with a bunch of questions. Thoughts, decisions, choices. Life shows you these possibilities and on which ways you can build upon them. But certain choices no matter how much you would like the outcome to be sometimes will effect yours. I feel like my studio .. in this house.. will never be mine. That's just the end of that. I've been thinking about love lately. - Thinking about the guys that have come and gone in my life in the last year. Thought about what I love and .. didn't love about them. My final conclusion is that they were great men. The lucky lady that they choose to finally make their one and only should know just how great they are. It's just too bad that lady - wasn't me. My heart was clearly not all there. There was still a lot of hate. Just the other day driving home from Renton I woke up with the notion I was in love with someone... Not Ry... But I didn't know why... I had no reasons....

On the August 12th was the anniversary of the break up. One year since me and Trev Split. OK ok. Since he broke up with me. The last year has brought along a lot of changes. It also brought up questions. But hey if things don't work out, I'm not going to keep dwelling. There was one question more than one person asked me. That was... How did I survive a 8.5 years break up? ( My reply was: Like any other break up? ) I guess I couldn't wrap the question around what they were trying to say. I guess not everyone knows the whole story. Of how I thought I had cancer ( I was showing crazy symptoms - too scary to even blog about ) But it's a pretty easy choice when you think you're dying versus crying over a guy. Life goes on, Love can be found again. That's just the facts. But One year later and I look back at what they were pointing at .. and the truth is.. Wow. I am kinda glad my scare came at the right time. I mean. I did get out of a relationship where the guy prom...

Good friends are hard to come by, we all know this because. Great friends... will always somehow come and visit you in your thoughts. You'll be doing something out of the blue someone just comes across your mind. With me.. I dream about them. Ry asked me if I ever dream about Trevor anymore. The truth ... No. It's strange but maybe I know that part in my life is over and done with. My essence knows that too much time has already been spent and been affected by him. I lost the last 4 weeks of hard working out because I've been healing from bruised ribs. An injury I got from him. See I just walked away from it, I don't need an apology cause I ran into him just as much as he ran into me. But the truth is. Enough time given to him .. is enough. Now the sub-conscience does something. It remembers the good times. Good memories and good friends. The few friends I do dream about more is my twin best friends I had during my childhood. Dej and Pasc. Oddly enough I probably dre...

I've been searching 2 days for it alreay. I'm starting to feel that it maybe gone forever... it's so frustrating. To clean out all this garbage my mom keeps just to know she treasures garbage more than she has stuff of us. What's even worse is that some of the stuff is all together... so which makes me feel a part of the garbage. I'm still waiting to hear back from my brother about swapping bedrooms. The only thing is I'm currently thinking about is.. storage. I mean I built an awesome closet to store all my stuff and boxes. Now I have to figure out a way to get rid of them. I'm throwing and clearing even more stuff from my past right now. Picking stuff out to donate. I should have more stuff to get rid of but... RAR.. I have a lot of stuff. But the thing is looking at everything it's like books and perfumes and hair product stuff. My room's my office, art space, makeup centre, hair centre, library all in one and sleeping space. What to do... whe...

For a while now I had put off a certain thing and that is making my studio in the basement of my home. Why? because it was dominated by my brother and mother. Big changes that I look to do in the following months. Since both my brother and mother are gone for.. lets just sometime ( half way around the world ). My dad doesn't really know just how much I do do... which means. He doesn't know I blog, I youtube, or even have the slightest idea I want to paint again. He just thinks I'm a stupid little bitch that never listens to him. The fact that I can't leave my dad and just up and move out ( although I have saved up enough to survive on my own for 3-5 months. ) I feel like if I move out now, I'd be abandoning him. Number of things I have to do / thinking of doing. 1 ) Clean Out Downstairs. 2 ) Set Up Art Studio. 3 ) Swapping rooms with my brother. This will let me live in the space I work in. ( I used to be downstairs. Until my brother took over the space. I...

MEASUREMENT INGREDIENT 1/2 CUP BUTTER 2/3 CUP BROWN SUGAR 3 LARGE EGGS 1 TSP VANILLA EXTRACT 1 + 2/3 CUP FLOUR 1 TSP BAKING POWDER 1/2 TSP BAKING SODA 3/4 CUP SOYA MILK / MILK BAKE @ 400F for 18-20 Mins What Materials You'll Need: Mixing Bowl Spatula  Big Metal Spoon Muffin Pan Cupcake / Muffin sheets Measuring Cups ( 1/3 cup ) Measuring Spoons ( 1/2 tsp )

Last Night I had made the effort and decision to have my god brother, friend and Ry meet. See the happenings of the other night had left a little bit of a *blip* I would like to call it, somewhat in the relationship between me and Ry. This *blip* unknowingly caused by the GB. See the thing is that this is from my point of view. You all know that. My friend, also a close friend to my GB also knows Ry, so there isn't the awkwardness of Ry meeting two complete strangers. I had never in my years of relationships have friends sit down and have dinner / desserts with a significant other of mine. Especially with my GB. Before the meet I had to let Ry know that he really had nothing to worry about when it comes to my GB. So I told him my views of him and what I know of him. Truth be told. I think Ry felt 100% better about him after meeting. There's one thing that I know I don't want to happen is losing something I now feel is one of the best things to happen to me. I feel a warm ...

Of July... There isn't a whole lot of things that really push me to the point of ... WTF! I should kick your ass / slap you really really hard across the face in hopes I can knock some sense into you. One - is when someone messes with business. [ this is probably why I don't like handling my own business, which means, I have manager like people that handle clients and what not. ] Work is work. That's all I need to say. Two - is when someone messes with my relationship [ with my significant other ]. If I feel like I'm about to get screwed over in a relationship and it wasn't even my fault! that makes me really really mad. Your relationship with your loved one could be fine and dandy between the two of you and then all of a sudden you have a third factor that comes in [ the worst ones are the ones that don't realize that they are doing this ] and messes with things. They start causing drama. I've had enough of a drama filled ... 26th year thank you. I...

I've learned a few things over the years. I've learned to cut down on the bad talk. Which means trying not to be evil in thought and speech. Trust me when I say this is a hard thing to do. I'm currently thinking very hard about loosening ties with certain people. ( Okay just one person ) It's just the pursuit of their happiness is not what they are pursuing. Their actions and words towards me have made me think differently of them. Personally I accept them for who they are but constant exposure to their energy hasn't proven me any positive outcomes. Actually it's jeopardized part of my happiness. Now I don't necessarily believe that this cutting of ties is needed but I feel that I have to get more time to re-discover what I need right now, verses trying to help someone else try to see what they should be doing with their potential and skills. I need to focus on mine. It's difficult. I'm in a noticeable artistic slump. I cleaned my room today. One...

The only best part of my day was in the morning when I was walking to the bus stop. The bus driver saw me and stopped for me to catch it... again. This time I wasn't even anywhere near the bus stop. The rest of my day... Non stop work... barely had time for lunch. I wanted to do 5K run but decided to take the dog out for a walk since he's been wanting one for the longest time, not only that he's been keeping us up in the middle of the night. The walk took 2 hours, he's now sleeping. I hope to sleep well tonight. I bought strap weights for my ankles tomorrow I hope to get some for my wrists tomorrow. WHOOH what a work out. I thought maybe it would just be better of a work out with strapped weights. I'm happy that my injuries are healed :) my bruised ribs ... after my minor concussion was a bit of a set back in my body conditioning. :) My weight has maintained at 115 ... none-the-less I have yet to drop to 100-105 which I would like to be at... my abs area is the o...

There a few things I learned over this weekend. My Friday night I went out to Night market in Richmond. My addiction to Panda's is still strong but I fought the urge to buy panda stuff. It was hard but I did it. Saturday morning I spent it with my guy until he had to go to work and I headed down to meet up with friends to watch a fireworks show. A little get together of friends and new acquaintances. Me being the girl at a sausage party. Used to it, considering I used to be a major tomboy. Most of the birthday parties I attended as a little girl in grade school, I was the only girl there. My best friends as I was growing up have always been guys. *Back to current* at the get together there was drinking and I'll admit that I had 3-4 mixed drinks. This wasn't very light, but not very heavy drinks either. I've never been drunk so I don't know what my tolerance of alcohol is. Now after 4 drinks through out the night I felt nothing. I thought if I downed my first drink l...