Friday, December 11, 2009

Running On T.O Time . Time To Let Go

*sigh* I went to sleep last night and was very tired out by 9pm. I woke up at 5am.

I'm currently feeling very very sad. I wonder if this is the final hurdle or moving on in every part of me. I'm crying and my thoughts are filled with nothing. I'm feeling very sad and crying over nothing really. How can anyone ever explain this. I spent yesterday unpacking and coming back to my reality of things. I guess a part of my sadness is that I'm back to all things that stress me out. The moment I stepped off the plane I felt it, the anxiety and blood pressure rising. I'm cleaning out my room again and I know now I need to reach my own enlightenment. I know now from my trip I have the ability to separate my emotions from my actions. But my heart is very much a part of me. It's like I have so much love to give and I feel like I really don't have anyone there to receive or comprehend how much love I really do have. All my closest friends that become a part of my world and my ever spreading bubble can tell you that they feel this at one point or the other. Just the person I really am. So much love that I'm emotionally overflowing. I've decided to let go. Of a lot of things. I asked myself last night and this morning if I can let go of the ones that I love the most that are currently in my life. Besides myself, I don't really have anyone that I love as equally as much and that in their utmost understanding, know who I truly am fully. ( Though how I very much wish I currently did. ) so my answer is yes. I can. It's not really that rude for me to say this considering I've had nightmares on which a global disaster happened and everyone I loved was gone and I had to do it on my own. I've decided to let go of some of my collections, I've deeply thought about letting go of my panda stuffy collect. Some I hadn't had that long and were given to me by friends. That I will be hesitant of letting go but I'm really trying to be a minimalist. Being a collector of things. This can be very hard for me. But a big part of me feels like this is something I need to do. Let Go.

I wonder if I did fall in love in Toronto. or with it. I can't answer that question right now. But I can tell you that I feel like I had the pleasure to spend time with one of the greatest guys that I will probably ever know in my life time. So much so that the time that I spent with him was dream like. I was very quiet through out a lot of the time because I was very much observing him, his actions, his being and just loving everything in the moment. What he has done for me I don't think I can even repay, I thank him with words but I don't think he truly understands just how much he's done for me. What he has done for me is more than any one guy has done for me in all the past relationships I've been in, in the span of 12 days. I even experienced some new things with him. I very much feel that I have grown in every direction of thought and being. It was all thanks to him. How do I thank him?

Time to go back to cleaning.
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