Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Feelings

I don't know what it is about today, how I feel so down. I miss him ... like my heart is breaking.

You're so foolish for feeling so... For being so ... innocent. To have possibly fallen for him, to have become so comfortable.

That's the thing, I've never had that ever happen where it's just ... so comfortable.

Stop thinking of him ... Stop missing him.
Cause he may not be missing you or thinking of you...
So lets just stop, okay heart? ... It's nice to know you're still here Love
... it's nice to know you're still with me.

:)

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Forgive Them & Myself

*ROAR* I don't know if I can do this. *EERRRR* *annoyed* but I'm going to. A true test of the heart. To contact those who in some way have affected my heart through out the years. Some more than others, some I haven't spoken to for ten years. X-boyfriends can become one of two things. Strangers or Great Friends. I only have two of my ex-boyfriends are Great Friends with me now, the rest just seems to fall off. A part of me doesn't really care for keeping in touch with them. But I also believe that if I chose to have relationship with these guys there was something about them that I loved. The first two boyfriends I ever had were the ones I keep in touch with. But I have to try to see how they are now. That I am who I am today because partly due to the love and heartache I received from all of them. The choices of the man I want to be with strongly comes from the experiences I had with the ones before him. All the great qualities I want now stems from what they either possessed or I wish they did. As much as it may hurt me, I think it's a sense of closure. To get in touch and try to in a way reclaim a little part of me back. A little part of my heart I guess.

I texted Trevor on a whim, I've been contemplating for some time to ask if he wanted to do dinner, or lunch to catch up. We end up texting how we're both doing. Apparently not much with him. Working lots ( finally saving to move out ), Hockey, and that's it. Then I start to reflect. WOW, it's been more than 6 months since we split and I've done so much. But yet to me I don't really feel like I have accomplished a lot. Then I come realize what me and Sundeep once spoke about. How our goals and achievements are so high that with even all that we've done, we will feel as though it's not enough. It's true. I have all these plans and goals for myself. I've done a lot in the last half of the year and still plan to do a whole lot more. I went for a 5k run today, I lasted longer and jogged 2/3rds of the way, I realized I went to bed early yesterday. Probably will do so again today. Emotional draining these days. Self revelation in full on blast fast forward. Everyone tells me that it takes time. That I should slow down. TIME... doesn't exist to me really. I have no concept of it besides when I am at work. TIME... is something I can't control. Therefore I don't have it. I don't have the time to slow down, I don't have the time to take because who am I to say where I will be tomorrow, or what will happen. Anything can happen. God taught me that, At any time, any thing can happen.

I've had two people in this week, ones I've had the pleasure to have some sort of relationship with tell me, that they we're lucky. In some way I guess to tell me, I'm a great girl they also had the pleasure to be with and feel love from at some time in their life. They are lucky, but why do I feel like an empty shell now, have I given so much of my love away and left myself with none?

I just got a text from Sundeep. We love to share words of inspiration with one another. To keep one another goals and dreams in lined so we don't forget what we are all about. Don't you wish you had a friend that did that for you? To help you remember why you wake up in the morning, why you keep doing what you do. And push you when you feel like you've lost it. Not only do they do that for you, but you also inspire them back. He just wrote me.

"Take control of your thoughts and vividly imagine all that you desire from this worldly existence in a state of total expectancy. Dormant forces will awaken inside you. You will begin to unlock the true potential of your mind to create the kind of magical life that you deserve."

I said this to myself today as I stood at the bus stop waiting to go home.
One that I once loved will remember me. Will miss me. Will realize my worth to him. He will invite me back into his life and when he does he will do something that will make me cry and with the tears I will fall madly in love with him. He will make me feel as though I left my heart with him all along.

Till that day comes. I'll be re-building my heart as I forgive them ( those who broke my heart ) & myself ( for letting them to do so ). To realize it was alright to be innocent then, to experience the heartache cause I'm so much more beautiful now for it. I have so much more love to give now. I know how painful it is to break other peoples heart because it reminds me of my own and I try to avoid it at all times. The people who come to know me now and fall in love with me is partly credited to the heartache of the past. Forgive them because the truth is I should be thanking them.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Be Happy, Let It Go.

I keep waking up sad. My heart has to stop wanting something it clearly isn't ready for, always wanting cause it's used to it. But the truth is. Nothing felt as right as when he would say, "come" and wrap his arms around me. *sigh* Till then... I will keep looking forward. Ever moving forward. Hoping, wanting to love again.

Reflections of Oneself

There are so many out there that don't take the time to listen.
I'm not talking about listening to others. I mean listening to themselves. To their hearts, goals, desires and problems. I'm currently in the state of well being of rebuilding myself in a lot of ways. My heart especially. The dating world was a difficult one for me. The relationship world was even more scaring on my heart. My relationships never ended that well in the past. It seemed like a never ending cycle of when a boy would break my heart, then I end up breaking another boys heart. But the ones I choose to end things with were always due to the change of heart of it knowing that that boy wasn't the one. The others however were either they broke up with me or they cheated on me, or broke my heart in some way. I must say they did all leave me with one thing. Disappointment. With disappointment I lost faith in love. The kind of love that would leave me madly in love. Where someone proposes to me, where we get engaged, get married have kids and live happily ever after. The happy kind of love you give and get fully in return. I have lost faith in this kind of Love. Where I simply now will love and love. But expect nothing from it. What do I mean by this? I can love easily, but I simply don't expect to receive it back anymore. I don't even know if that kind of love exists for me anymore. That future. Isn't that train of thought ... SAD? my heart breaks a little that any part of me even feels that way... but it's the truth. Sometimes I envy those in great relationships, then I stop myself as I feel envy. As it poisons my soul. As it makes me feel ugly.

I have to believe in love again. Forgive the ones that had left their marks on my heart. Unquestionably love myself again from every aspect. With who I am, what I do, and the path I choose to travel. When the choices I make become clearer, when my heart is lighter. When I love harder with out trying it is only then my eyes will see True Love again in all things.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

What Do You See When You Live At The Center Of The Cyclone?

September the 29th (Ognamus) Libra
The day of the Charged Reactor -
"Those born on September 29 fight an ongoing battle to maintain stability in their lives. At times they can feel that they are masters of the universe and at other moments not worthwhile at all. Such swings in their mood and self-image are most often due to an underlying lack of self-confidence. Many born on this day gravitate toward family situations where they can find stability for a period of time, but eventually move on, sometimes to a more isolated existence.
September 29 people are generally highly attractive and capable. Yet wherever they go, whatever they do, uncertainty and instability swirl around them. (They may, for example, have great difficulty staying with either the right career or partner for long.) Often they are like the eye of a hurricane, which although itself is calm, is surrounded by violence and turmoil. Though September 29 people can appear dispassionate to the world, they nonetheless arouse strong reactions in others, both good and bad. They must beware of accidents and antagonism which can come their way. In order to get a handle on this danger, September 29 people must sooner or later face that it may be their own repressed emotions which call forth such disturbances. Thus self-understanding is an important commodity for them to cultivate as early in life as possible."
Health-
Accidents of all types are an ever-present danger for September 29th people intil they begin a process of self-introspection and self-knowledge. They must learn to be more trusting and to open up emotionally at a deep level...
Advice -
Sit down and figure yourself out ( even if it takes years.) Put yourself considerable talents to good use. Gain self-confidence. Organize your life but retain your spontaneity. Tear down internal barriers and obstructions.

Strengths - Technical, Intense, Capable
Weaknesses - Obsessive, Insecure, Isolated

Book: The Language Of Birthdays

Saturday, March 27, 2010

It's All Good

It's good when you just played roller hockey for the first time in a long time and wake up the next day not sore or aching. Fitness Success!

Cleaning up what I need to clean. Re-Organizing and taking care of me. I may purge so much more again to get rid of what I don't need to what it is I really do.

Just Throw It At Me God, I Can Take It!

Well today has been a turning point in my life. I feel that today is one of those days of revelation, of turning a new leaf.

The realization of oneself sometimes leads to the greatest self improvements.

I was SO down this morning, it felt I was losing myself again. I was at the tip of the edge where your heart feels like breaking, but it's just your emotions playing with you. But then when I went to work, I was thinking, what is it that I really need? I sucked it up and smiled and went to go get breakfast at Jugo Juice and visit the Jugo Juice guy. He says he's tired even with nine hours of sleep. I said I only had around four and I'm feeling a bit alright. But I'm a bit of a weird one when it comes to sleeping habits. I feel emotions up and down through out the day until I chat with some friends online. How one of them is pushing me to go see the doctor again if I keep feeling sick now and then, and this time I should tell him everything. Cause the truth of the matter is ... I confessed to him that I didn't tell the doctor all my symptoms. But I still got the check up and all my tests came back clean. Doesn't that mean that I should be okay?! He says no, then uncertainty enters into his reply. I chat with Kero and I'm overwhelmed by self realization of what's really the matter and why I'm not feeling what I'm feeling anymore ( like love has left me ). I actually kinda started to cry at work. I tissue my eyes to suck up the tears from ruining my makeup. I write a long email to Darren because I was on and off with emotions ( tears ) as I was writing it.

What did I realize?
I need to return to a place in myself where I don't question love as it comes into my life. I have had bad relationships that left me with doubts one after the other that a part of me feels now like love should be earned. When it shouldn't. I shouldn't think that way, nor feel that way when I fall in love with someone. To fall madly in love. I have to let go of those fears and questions and doubts and love like I've never been heart broken before. Returning to the innocence of love at it's purest form. The only way to do that is to fully love and trust myself enough to do so. To forgive all the wrongs and truly let go and be happy with who I've become today. At this very moment. That I am a better person for even the wrongs that have been placed onto me, the heartaches that have been felt. I am now better for them. Until I can fully feel this. To believe it with all my heart, it is only then I am ready to be back into a committed relationship. Where my heart is pure again and open to the possibilities that "the one for me" exists, that the faith in love still lives in my heart. I want this, I just don't feel this. So I truly believe that this "break" from Darren was much needed on my half as well, that I have a lot to reflect on.

I wrote something like this to Darren in an email and after I sent it I felt this weight off not only off my heart but also my well being. I walked out of work smiling. Happy without know why I was happy. I come to realize it's the first time in a long time I truly know what's wrong and what I need to do and that I'm back on the path again of finding what I'm all about again. The last time I did this was when I was single for a full year, that was in the tenth grade. After that when I thought I knew who I was and what it was all about. ( the truth is, can you really know who you are when you're 15? ) It wasn't soon after that another boy broke my heart with his actions towards me. ( With this the hardening of my heart began towards boys ) . The next boyfriend I had was competitive and emotions were overwhelming where I broke it off. The next boy I was with ended up cheating on me or wanting to, I don't remember. After that was X-bf Trev, where I don't know how to describe our relationship, we were together for the longest time and the only thing I really walked away with was becoming more of an independent person from the opposite person in a relationship. I guess I built independence from him because I felt I wasn't the one he wanted to build something with, I had to build it for myself. I realized that after the relationship now, I had a lot of hate towards him. The broken promises, words that had no meaning. Don't say it if you don't mean it. I will hold it in my heart against you. ( That kind of mentality is what I need to forget ) What's done is done and I'm better for it. The lowest of the low can never be again when you've already felt it and you've climbed so far back up.

I don't know how to explain why I feel a bit happier now. Even if it's self satisfaction of self realization. :)

After work, after this revelation. I made my way to Kero's place, we watch a bit of Indiana Jones. Before leaving to head to her other place then to dinner in Korea town. Dinner was good but why do I always feel like Korean food lingers. We then head over to my place to pick up my gear for roller hockey before heading all the way to Langley for drop in roller hockey. [ Now here is the awkward part. How I truly believe that a series of events in life is meant to happen. ] Me and Kero ( two ladies ) walk into a changing room as it slowly fills up with boys. One by one they look at us awkwardly in a weird facial expression on their face. One asked us "are you two playing?" Kero smiles nicely and replies, "yup". I kinda wished I filmed the whole event. ( OK OK THAT is NOT the awkward thing ) Changing in a room full of boys is not awkward to me and Kero since we play in co-ed roller/ice hockey teams. These boys obviously weren't used to US. We kinda felt their vibe of disbelief. But the weirdest moment for me was that one of the guys that came to the drop in hockey was an X boyfriend. Not just any X boyfriend, but the first that had hurt me after my first "finding myself" moment in life. [ ahh life, how you throw these twist and turns at us ] I can't believe it when I see him there. I smile at the fact because life, I knew that life was going to throw something in my face. [ a test from God? If I can let go of the hurt that he had caused so I can move forward a bit more in life? ] I get through the roller hockey, sweating here and there and everywhere. The truth is, I kinda love it. It's a good workout. (I wasn't on the same team as the X). We finish up, the guys were nice and I had a great time and would come out again for sure. I didn't score cause the boys the came out were REALLY good. I mean, half of them I recognized for either playing with Trevor, or against him through out all those years. I casually say goodbye to the X as he leaves and we give a casual hug goodbye like it's good to see each other again. Although it was awkward. The truth is I do feel that I've already forgiven him for his actions. It's been more than TEN years since I last had any interaction with him, what happened back then was when we were both kids. We're older now. I know now that he isn't he kind of guy I want to be with. Our little teenybopper relationship lasted a couple of months? The real test is allowing my heart to let go of the bad memories and allow friendship to happen between us again. I'm going to say that I still kinda feel the hurt, but I'm ready to forgive and let go.

Why do I feel like God wants me to heal quickly? Like he's saying... IT'S ABOUT TIME!
and placing all these series of events in motion, one right after the other.
*pointing to the sky* DAMN IT! WHAT'S WITH YOU AND YOUR GREAT TIMING! it's not so great but STILL! you're lucky my eyes are open and I'm receptive to the opportunities you present to me.

It's about time I find myself again and truly become happy once more. That year I was single and boy worry free. I met so many friends. I took chances and committed to no one but me. I was happy. It's about time I felt that again, I don't know why it took so long for me to realize that I have to FULLY LOVE ME again to rebuild my heart, before I can truly love and commit myself wholeheartedly to anyone else. And when I love again, I know it will be GREAT. :)

I love easily, ( I'm very caring person ) but the truth is.
I can show and give my love to many but only a few will ever truly get a piece of my heart.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Feeling Sad This Morning

I really didn't think I'd feel like this. I guess I do like him more than I thought. He's grown on me in such a short amount of time. But it takes two and the want when it comes to a relationship of any kind.

I feel the emotions but my mind just doesn't know why it gives my heart no reasons.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Emotion-less

I don't really know how to really feel about all of it still. To suddenly have someone you care for in your life then have them just ( still there but...) gone. It throws me out of wack. NOT total wack! but more confused wack. ( using wack in the urban way ) . Confused about why I feel this way. I'm really not upset upset about the whole thing. I ask people what this means. If I'm not emotional about it really. I'm emotional about other aspects of it but not the whole circumstances of the event. They tell me, that only means that I wanted it too. Which is true. This is just another little downfall, but not the downfall of my life. For me, who is striving for the measures of greatness in success, you learn to really just suck it up quickly and move on because dwelling only causes one thing. What I'd like to currently make up as Stationary Advancement. Which means you don't progress anywhere. You THINK you are but you're not as a person, your thoughts may be trying to move on while other things remain the same.

There are a number of things that I've decided this week as I am always in the constant state of moving forward. I've decided to push my goal of saving 25Grand in 5 years into 3 years. Which means, being smarter in a whole lot of ways. I've also decided after filing my taxes and knowing how much it is I'm getting back, that I will be spending that money towards driving school lessons. Lessons I'm pushing to get not only to get my N, but to be able to get my scooter ( which I have already saved enough money for but cannot get due to the fact that I cannot insure it and singly ride it). I'm also in the current debate that if I can save up enough to move out.

My father yells at me today with the let down that I'm dumb.
I don't converse with him much because there's not point to allow someone to shatter my soul as much as he already has.

I was chatting at work with a few friends today on my break, I realized that I very much am ready for a real relationship, the only problem is that I personally don't know what love is anymore. I know what it is I have to offer. Me being a very loving and caring person I'm always giving the impression that I love a lot, even though I do I'm actually very careful with my heart. It took me around two to three years into what ever it is we had to fully realize that I did love him (who is my X now) But should love take that long? I'm a very caring person... and I wonder am I at 100% caring all the time without ever knowing just because I'm that kind of person that is constantly showing their heart at all times. I strongly believe that I should be who I am at all times but believe me when I say I'm very careful with my heart. I may care deeply but care and love though one stems from the other, are very different things to me. I think I grow weary of loving because I've had nothing but heartbreak. I feel as though sometimes now it maybe something they have to earn, but if it's the right person, they should never have to earn it. It's the sum of all heartbreaks that makes me wonder if I have any piece of it left in me anymore. I may dream of love, but not all dreams come true. Maybe I'm in that state of acceptance. Accepting the fact that single life could be for me. But then I think about the dream I had once. Of my children. I still hear the sounds of their giggles in the back of my mind. Maybe it was wrong, maybe they are only a figment of another life. Of another reality. I believe in my dreams more and more though, because the percentage of them creating and placing me into the state of dejavu have been so frequent through the years that I can't ignore them. I look to them now as windows to the future. Having saw my nephew before he was born I saw him by the age of 3-4. He runs up with is basketball round head, looks at me with the face of his father with a great big smile on his face as he wraps his arms around my legs. I described how he would look to my sister before he was even ever born. That was how I was certain it was a boy. He's only 2 months old now and his head is so round. I made him smile a lot today, as I winked at him being cheeky. He gives me smiles that me and my sister caught with our camera phones. Even my parents have never seen him smile as much. My dad was a bit surprised that I could do that though.

It's the end of the day and I'm a bit emotionally drained though I am mostly in the state of feeling nothing. I have the moments where I suddenly peak into sadness to the point where I want to cry and then I'm at the plateau of nothingness.

I want to fall madly in love, I want to get engaged, I want to get married. I want to have kids. The only thing missing is who and when ( and the truth is the that in the back of my mind it maybe DY ) ... but when I can't even feel it anymore. It means I very much need to heal more than I thought. That this time of 'break' is very much needed on my half as well. To allow myself to open up and trust without doubt. Love without question. Know without knowing. Love whole heartedly but not blindly. This is very hard for someone that always looks and outweighs the pros and cons of all things.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

How Am I Supposed To Feel?

I felt the cold chill creep onto my skin as he asks to talk. We all know what that means. "To Talk" . I knew what was coming like all things. I read people more than anything to what they really have to say. Things are never the same after this talk. You discover more about your true self and what it is you're really looking for. When it comes to relationships, I've sadly come to a conclusion of not expecting. I have standards when getting into a relationship. Expectations are low. Why? I'd be less disappointed when the outcome isn't that great. But how am I supposed to feel. The pace was too quick for the both of us. What I've learned.

I love love, but expect nothing from it. ( sad really when I think about it. )
I can love on many levels. Saying it with meaning will never be the same. I'll only say it when I really mean it now. ( I have yet to say this to anyone for a while. I'm still waiting for the right moment to the right person. I really had to hold my tongue recently with this one. ) I've been waiting for that feeling.. you know that "love" feeling again. I feel like I'm learning how to love again or what it's really all about. I wonder when it is going to be my turn. Will I ever. Perhaps I gave up on it a long time ago. That's why I'm not that shaken by the current events of tonight. I don't think I can explain how trying to build a relationship from scratch after getting out of a long relationship feels like more than just with two words. Fucked Up. The effort, the emotions, the not knowing anymore what is what and how am I supposed to feel through it all. But to have it suddenly stop in a progression that was greater than the sum of it all at the current state of being. Makes me.... hummm .. blank. a bit sad, but ... BLANK. Maybe I'm done. Hoping, along with expecting. Cause they both lead to disappointment if hopes are to high and expectations large. Maybe I'm done. I'm just numb now. The truth is ... how am I supposed to feel? I'm very strange in the sense that though things don't work out right. I still feel like everything is going to be okay. Maybe that is my own strength.

Love.....I barely remember you. How am I supposed to feel like anymore?
Now to me you're like a linger of a feeling that I'm missing, I feel it brush my soul like walking through clearing fog.

I feel like I need to play some hockey now.... NOW!!!
>_< . *sigh* *smile* I'm okay really.
Sadly though he has become my favorite. Thoughts of him still make me smile :)

Painting Water 2

This video has been in the works of being edited for about a month! The full videos turned out to be 17gigs big. HUGE I tell you. It kept crashing my programs and causing them to lag. I had to upgrade my comp to pull it out and the software as well. The original filming time was 3 hours+ cut down to 6 and a half minutes.
I had to learn how to make my own music with garage band, I had to mix it myself to be able to have music in this video so I can put it out on time. But here is the painting water 2 . On black.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Silence, Work, Music-Run

I was in a bit of a small panic this morning when I found out I hadn't been in contact with my boss all weekend to know if I'd be working or not today. I did however got the chance to text him only right when my phone died. So he couldn't respond to me! I thought I'll text him from Darren's phone, only to realize I didn't know my bosses cell phone number off by heart! I had good visual memory but not photographic! So I rushed to the laptop and sent him an email. ( which I know he gets on his phone ) I waited ten minutes then said.. F-it I'm going into work and emailed him again saying I'm going in. I travel for more than an hour to work without music. With Nothing. I read the paper. I went to work wearing a dress. :) I actually like wearing dresses cause well cause makes me feel pretty. On the way to work I stopped by staples and got a charger for my phone so I wouldn't be uncommunicative to the rest of the world for the rest of the day. I go to work to find my boss already in. busy bee. I work all day mostly in flash. Setting up files for the boss to multimedia. I work away till the end of the day and I smile at the thought that the sun is out. I rush home, get changed and go for a run. My first 5k of the 2010 year and it wasn't very much of a run. I run the sum of a quarter of the way and I'm already cramping. I'm so out of shape :( but by the end of it, I felt great. I love running. Not just running, but running outdoors. The air ( cold or warm or hot ) the feel of the world, the terrain, the hills. Singing out loud. Matching the beats that echo through your headphones to the footprints of the your steps. The sun slowly going down as you run to make it home before it fully sets. The goals you set for yourself and feeling better than you started. I wish I could running every other day, I just pray for sunny days now. Cause if I rush home in time, it's going to be a running day :) .

Dad upsets me again. He asks me about money. I hate talking about money. I have it, I save it. I don't ask anything from him, I barely ever had through out my life and yet he still puts me down about money. Money may be needed through out life, but it should never be a priority in life. You attain it to lose it, it's not something you can take with you when you die, you can pass it on to someone but what is it worth in the end? I hate talking about money.

I'm looking forward for the April long weekend. It's a prelude to Darren's birthday. I've secretly gotten him a present and I can't wait to present it to him. I just hopes he loves it.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Monster Slayer

I awoke this morning with a sore body. I had the strangest dream of killing monsters.
My dream started strangely where I was surrounded by strangers and people that knew me and loved me. Though I didn't know them. I was with a mayor of some town that I lived in. There were problems that have been sprouting around town and it seems as though many of them had come to me with them. Some people had the notion that I was a spoiled girl, coming back from a long absent trip. I wasn't. Not here. I lived in a wooden exterior apartment that was on top of a rundown little shop that I'd open when I was in town. I don't know what it is I sold there, all I know was I owned it. People were following me from my reunion with the town mayor back to my apartment. All I can remember was someone's notion of what and who I was when I responded back to them as I was walking up the wooden side stairs up to my apartment. "YES, I do live here." I entered the house. I don't remember when was the last time I had been there, but I knew I had rented it out to some old lady for a while before she passed away and I had reclaimed it back. ( how did I know this? ) I don't know, my brain was prepared for the smell of disgust because someone had told me she left the place a little untidy. I entered and was upset at what it is I saw. The little old lady must have had no relatives to come by and claim any of her possessions. Her cat however was claimed by someone. Since the cat litter box was still there. The place smelled like cat pee and there were news paper piled up and bare walls reflected nothing but the light that came in through the windows and gray surroundings. I didn't stay long. I was called out to a school that had a dormitory with students that seemed to have a problem with not just one but two unsightly monsters. Unsightly not because they were ugly, but only a handful of people had spotted them. One was killing people. The other was simply spotted around, scaring people here and there with vicious growls and snarls and swipes of violence. Apparently I had dealings with the NON-killing one. He's like a man Sasquatch, he was white and gray fur covered his whole body. He was roughly between the height 5'7 - 6'0 tall. I know this cause I've tried to kill him before, just never figured how to. Be-headings never worked, he would pop back up the next day with it reattached or regrown. He had the ability to rejuvenate and quickly heal. We had such interactions with one another that he knew that me being violent with him when I was in close attack range was one of "me trying to find his weak spots". Or relations with one another was strange on the fact that he spoke English. This monster was not just any monster that couldn't be killed, he was intelligent and communicative which annoyed me even more, he was smart and hard to catch. Enough about Chuppa, what I've nick named him. The killing one. He was last spotted out of all places a church. Apparently it enjoyed being there and would return there night after night of killing. In the back of my mind I didn't know if this creature was one of innocence or playing with the house of God. He hang around the outside of windows around the dorms, going from window to window. Looking in. How do I know this? He spotted me as I was in one rooms of the building. He looked like a big orange furred orangutan, his fingers like claws, his eyes large, but unlike an orangutan, he had a pointed face. More like a lemur. It moved quickly and swift, more like in a blink of an eye. I had an idea of dressing up like it, in the thought that this creature might be territorial so if he believes I am another like it, it would confront me. As I was changing into the costume a loud scream could be heard echoing through the corridors of the building. I changed out of it as I ran towards it source. Chuppa me along the way. Not to fight, but to tell me that if anything was to kill this creature it would be him. It did try to kill his mother, or something like that some personal vendetta. He told me that unlike him, his mother was furless. ( human perhaps? ) and this thing hated her for it. It was somewhat of it's weakness. I responded to Chuppa with violence. Since I knew he couldn't be killed in any way I knew how, I did not that wounding him slowed him down. Because he needed time to recover and heal. I kicked him in the head, and tried to behead him as threw me off, I landed on my feet. I jump him from behind and stabbed him a couple of times with knife into his heart. I jump off and continue on my way with him following me and yelling at me. Saying something like "this won't stop me" my reply was, "but it'll slow you down." He stopped as he stood there and sat down to heal, as I made my way to the church. When I got there people have already crowded the area. I shouted for them to get out, as though they thought the house of god could save them, I sadly said that this house of god had become other wise. People had to exit slowly as I eyed the ceiling along the wooden beams. I entered the building knowing I may have to go in bare.

I woke up. Now this story is in my mind. I wonder what it means.
I spent last night exporting Darren's fishing trip, this morning trying to figure out how to create dvd's on my macbook. success. I can make dvd's =)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

What I've Been Up To

Well I finally posted up a new video. Edited with my new program today. Filmed today. :) Now I'm watching the Canucks game and trying to type at the same time. :p

I've also updated the trip blog with pictures of when I went to Bamfield. And during the Olympics I did go see the cauldron and the rings.
Bamfield Trip | Goals Updated

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Oh So Pretty!

Today was full of visiting stores all around town. From Vancouver to Coquitlam. After a breakfast of grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. I traveled down to Voltage Land introducing Darren to the wonderful world of vinyl toys. I was on a mission again looking for the color Mr. TTT and to no avail was I able to find one for baby Ethan. But I did see something and got a set of Vancouver 2010 vinyl toys of the mascots for my sister. I finally got myself a Teddy Trooper since the first one I got in the blind box was not a bear but a skull. Darren seems to like to accessorize the Teddy Trooper with some of his fishing gear as I now take snap shots of it. I got a new series named Yoka ( hoping to have snagged a panda one ) but with no luck I got a weird design of a cross dressing bear. I got a small zipper pull of gloomy bear. Surprisingly I got a the secret one from the blind box.
After hitting up the vinyl toy store we visited this small shop that sells Pork & Beef Jerky, some of the best in town. On Fraser Street. We walked in to an empty little shop with nothing behind the counters but a price sheet on an empty display case. The smell of smoked meat in the air. The lady behind the counter says hi and I say hi in return before she goes into the back. Returning soon after to take our orders. Darren wanted half a pound of each. One pork, one beef. Only to have the lady return to tell us that they were all sold out of pork. So we settled with one pound. She disappears into the back and returns with a bag. Weighing it before sealing it for us. We head on later on to this hobby shop that I've always wanted to check out only to find out after entering that it was only full of miniature trains. People with the imagination of conductors. We soon head back to Coquitlam going to to Yamaha along the way. Checking out a scooter in the window that I've seen every time going by the store. This time it was more than just a gander as we entered the store and tried it out. Sitting on it reassured me that it's really something I want. For me. I've always in a way been a two wheeler kind of girl but getting a sport bike is only second to getting a scooter. The sport bike would only get dad more worried about my self being. But the Vino is Oh So Pretty! :) We soon go to Pearl Fever to get some BBT before heading to Safeway for getting groceries for dinner. Tonight we made chicken pot pie. Yummy! :)

Friday, March 12, 2010

The Day Off

finally since the beginning of God knows when, It's my first day off after months of endless working. I'll try to do the following soon.

Put up a new video. Put up pictures from my trip to the island. Put up more pics in my blogs. Blog more ( just for memory sake ). Be organized in my files on my comp. Keep my comp clean. Up to speed. Update my comp PERIOD. Paint. Clean . Be happy.

Time to rest a bit as I wonder and make a list of things that need to get done for the time being :)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Happy Birthday Letty + Mia

I'm down and in a place right now where I feel as though I'm a bit empty.
My dreams feel like they are a bit on hold when they should never be. I should always be striving in the sense. Reaching for my goals. Everyone should be.

By the end of this spring I would like to have 3 oriental paintings completed. Ready for any upcoming art shows. I haven't been getting any news letters about art shows lately. I wonder why. I should sign up for some email updates and stuff for galleries around the city.

I have a personal debate right now.
Should I go get driving school lessons... or bike school lessons.
Should I save up to get a scooter or save up even more to move out.
Can I bump my 25 grand in my savings in 5 years "plan" to 3 years? or even 2.5?

So many little things have gone wrong this week. That I'm personally trying to overcome and not let these little things get me down. Like my package for my RAM upgrade not coming on time, or the extra expense I have to spend money on to up date my computer. The fact that I have the software to update my computer but I'm still waiting for the missing elements to do so. How a chain of events can lag one's progress. I know what I need to do, it's just all about getting there that sometimes are the most difficult hurdles to get through.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Saddened

I didn't know why I was feeling a bit down lately. Especially around this time of year. March used to be the month of happiness cause it Used to be the anniversary month. I'm getting my dates mixed up. And right now, I just don't want to go to work. At all. The 11th of this month is the Birthday of one of my friends and my art teacher. Sadly however is the fact that they have both passed away. One in '99 ( my teacher ) and one in '08 ( my friend ). Both fabulous females passed away to illnesses. Sad really, the fact that the last time I saw them alive was when they were in icu's. My friend passed on the 15th just a few days after her birthday. The 18th of this month would have been 9 years if I were still with the X. But this month is spring. I should be happy, I should be thinking of new life.

I'm working hard to get my computer up to speed. To get everything ready for what I feel is about to come. More work. More rewards. More ( crossing fingers ) happiness.

I'm starting to really feel sick again. And in feeling sick, I'm back on the meds. Are they helping? I don't know. I just have a feeling of *something's missing* / *something's wrong* right now and I can't put my finger on it. It's that eerie feeling you get when something really really big is about to happen, you just don't know what it is or when it really is going to happen.

Maybe it's just LIFE, that's waiting to happen for me.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Relapse

Within this next week I'll be upgrading my computer, or at least trying to re-organize my life a little more ( Technology wise ). I dub this journal entry relapse. I'm starting to feel sick again. It started at the sisters place as I stayed over the weekend. I realized when I'm over there my intake of carbs are higher. It was great to spend time with my baby nephew as he sleeps upon your chest and curdles into turtle position. I have nicknamed him turtle. ( little turtle ). He likes to be held a lot, and very strong for a 2 month old. already able to push up on his little legs on his own. He seems like he's so frustrated most of the time. Just upset he can't communicate what it is he's trying to say.

Work was stressful. Being on my own in the office means I have to be on my toes, check both comps for emails and incoming work and clients.The phone kept ringing today, yet no one but an automated voice plays back at me. I wonder, when did automated dialer become more efficient than a real live person. How do I even get to talk to someone real any more, at least someone when it really matters.

I was about to cry on the train today as I took the west coast express to Coquitlam. I was just overwhelmed by the stress, the fact that I'm starting to feel ill again. The fact sometimes this leaves me feeling a bit... lonely.

Me and Darren went out to eat sushi today after stopping by a bestbuy to check out some electronics. He's in the debate to purchase a new tv, a new bed, or a new computer. Me, I'm just looking for something that can help me back up all my files on my computer cause my 80 gig won't cut it. At SU Sha Ya we had all you can eat. Some how the things he says, and way is at times he seems to have a way that lightens my mood. I ... smile.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Upsetness To The Max

Well I went out and bought a couple things for my mac.
The Snow Leopard upgrade and more importantly ilife'09 to I can edit my videos faster and better. I feel so behind in my videos for youtube that my purpose has been slipping.

I also bought ram to upgrade my comp but after researching, I figured I'm going to return the 1Gig since I need 2 and I just bought one. I'm going to go return the 1Gig and get 2,2Gigs so I ramp up my comp from 1gig to 4 gigs of ram.

I'm currently deleted unwanted files. moving them off to my external hard drive.
but I think I accidentally deleted a file I really need. Now I'm scanning my comp with a recovery program. Which I probably will have to purchase. To recover this file. I feel like I need to learn how to hack or something. So I don't need this programs to do it. I was so upset when I found out about the missing file that I almost cried. This file is one that I record all my spending and income on so when it comes to income tax time all I need to know and file is in one place. ( Yes I'm very business like in that sense ). Sigh... as the program runs I guess I'll go do some house chores that have been neglected.

Friday, March 05, 2010

Super Busy

I seemed to have fell asleep and did some more editing and I'm going back to sleep for another half an hour to an hour. But I've been attentively trying to edit this three hour art video that I have down. This is so dumb, the program not only keeps crashing on me but it's lags! So I've decided I will just go and buy the new programs for my comp. I'll be dropping 2-3 hundred dollars but if I'm going to keep making videos and what not, it's just something I have to do. And I guess while I am at it, I'm going to look into getting more ram for my comp. Running on one gig is just not cutting it.

Really this is what has been eating up SO much of my time lately is editing. Well no more. I'm going to try to get back into the flow of things as the rush from work is now over! A whole month of non-stop working has over loaded me to not have any more inspiration. But I listen to a song that my other company sent to me and I feel... so refreshed. That's what my other company always does to me. I leave meetings feeling more of a purpose in life. That I know what it is I want to do and have to do with my life.

I saw on the news the other day about those who have more or a sense of purpose and meaning in life are less likely to have Alzheimer. Weird don't you think? Is it because they have more of a sense of well being? It kind of makes sense to me. A part of me looks at those that just live day to day at a job for money just to get by and live... A part of me feels sometimes that they are lost. That they've lost what it is they are striving for in life and just are drones to what they believe their lives have developed into is any kind of a life to live. Then I think about that news report. Is it not easier to get lost ( forget ) when you already in a sense...are?

Darren says I think way too deep sometimes. I just always wonder. question. seek. There's more to life than money and things. Maybe that's why Fight Club is one of my favorite movies. It jolts me and reminds me. I shouldn't be working a shit job I hate to buy things I don't need. I live by that. I do what I do because of a purpose, I'm good at it. I don't buy things that I don't need very often. I re-invest in myself. It's where most of my money goes to.

I believe a lot in people. Believe they are good and that we have the possibility to do anything. One person can make it's mark on the world. It just starts with one.

I've been neglecting a lot of my friends lately. I feel a bit sad about it. The matter of fact is. I'm going to be back a bit more. Stay connected. And when I get the new program! It's back to normality and not constant editing. It takes a lot to put out a video you know. More than people know!