Thursday, March 25, 2010

Emotion-less

I don't really know how to really feel about all of it still. To suddenly have someone you care for in your life then have them just ( still there but...) gone. It throws me out of wack. NOT total wack! but more confused wack. ( using wack in the urban way ) . Confused about why I feel this way. I'm really not upset upset about the whole thing. I ask people what this means. If I'm not emotional about it really. I'm emotional about other aspects of it but not the whole circumstances of the event. They tell me, that only means that I wanted it too. Which is true. This is just another little downfall, but not the downfall of my life. For me, who is striving for the measures of greatness in success, you learn to really just suck it up quickly and move on because dwelling only causes one thing. What I'd like to currently make up as Stationary Advancement. Which means you don't progress anywhere. You THINK you are but you're not as a person, your thoughts may be trying to move on while other things remain the same.

There are a number of things that I've decided this week as I am always in the constant state of moving forward. I've decided to push my goal of saving 25Grand in 5 years into 3 years. Which means, being smarter in a whole lot of ways. I've also decided after filing my taxes and knowing how much it is I'm getting back, that I will be spending that money towards driving school lessons. Lessons I'm pushing to get not only to get my N, but to be able to get my scooter ( which I have already saved enough money for but cannot get due to the fact that I cannot insure it and singly ride it). I'm also in the current debate that if I can save up enough to move out.

My father yells at me today with the let down that I'm dumb.
I don't converse with him much because there's not point to allow someone to shatter my soul as much as he already has.

I was chatting at work with a few friends today on my break, I realized that I very much am ready for a real relationship, the only problem is that I personally don't know what love is anymore. I know what it is I have to offer. Me being a very loving and caring person I'm always giving the impression that I love a lot, even though I do I'm actually very careful with my heart. It took me around two to three years into what ever it is we had to fully realize that I did love him (who is my X now) But should love take that long? I'm a very caring person... and I wonder am I at 100% caring all the time without ever knowing just because I'm that kind of person that is constantly showing their heart at all times. I strongly believe that I should be who I am at all times but believe me when I say I'm very careful with my heart. I may care deeply but care and love though one stems from the other, are very different things to me. I think I grow weary of loving because I've had nothing but heartbreak. I feel as though sometimes now it maybe something they have to earn, but if it's the right person, they should never have to earn it. It's the sum of all heartbreaks that makes me wonder if I have any piece of it left in me anymore. I may dream of love, but not all dreams come true. Maybe I'm in that state of acceptance. Accepting the fact that single life could be for me. But then I think about the dream I had once. Of my children. I still hear the sounds of their giggles in the back of my mind. Maybe it was wrong, maybe they are only a figment of another life. Of another reality. I believe in my dreams more and more though, because the percentage of them creating and placing me into the state of dejavu have been so frequent through the years that I can't ignore them. I look to them now as windows to the future. Having saw my nephew before he was born I saw him by the age of 3-4. He runs up with is basketball round head, looks at me with the face of his father with a great big smile on his face as he wraps his arms around my legs. I described how he would look to my sister before he was even ever born. That was how I was certain it was a boy. He's only 2 months old now and his head is so round. I made him smile a lot today, as I winked at him being cheeky. He gives me smiles that me and my sister caught with our camera phones. Even my parents have never seen him smile as much. My dad was a bit surprised that I could do that though.

It's the end of the day and I'm a bit emotionally drained though I am mostly in the state of feeling nothing. I have the moments where I suddenly peak into sadness to the point where I want to cry and then I'm at the plateau of nothingness.

I want to fall madly in love, I want to get engaged, I want to get married. I want to have kids. The only thing missing is who and when ( and the truth is the that in the back of my mind it maybe DY ) ... but when I can't even feel it anymore. It means I very much need to heal more than I thought. That this time of 'break' is very much needed on my half as well. To allow myself to open up and trust without doubt. Love without question. Know without knowing. Love whole heartedly but not blindly. This is very hard for someone that always looks and outweighs the pros and cons of all things.
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