Saturday, March 27, 2010

Just Throw It At Me God, I Can Take It!

Well today has been a turning point in my life. I feel that today is one of those days of revelation, of turning a new leaf.

The realization of oneself sometimes leads to the greatest self improvements.

I was SO down this morning, it felt I was losing myself again. I was at the tip of the edge where your heart feels like breaking, but it's just your emotions playing with you. But then when I went to work, I was thinking, what is it that I really need? I sucked it up and smiled and went to go get breakfast at Jugo Juice and visit the Jugo Juice guy. He says he's tired even with nine hours of sleep. I said I only had around four and I'm feeling a bit alright. But I'm a bit of a weird one when it comes to sleeping habits. I feel emotions up and down through out the day until I chat with some friends online. How one of them is pushing me to go see the doctor again if I keep feeling sick now and then, and this time I should tell him everything. Cause the truth of the matter is ... I confessed to him that I didn't tell the doctor all my symptoms. But I still got the check up and all my tests came back clean. Doesn't that mean that I should be okay?! He says no, then uncertainty enters into his reply. I chat with Kero and I'm overwhelmed by self realization of what's really the matter and why I'm not feeling what I'm feeling anymore ( like love has left me ). I actually kinda started to cry at work. I tissue my eyes to suck up the tears from ruining my makeup. I write a long email to Darren because I was on and off with emotions ( tears ) as I was writing it.

What did I realize?
I need to return to a place in myself where I don't question love as it comes into my life. I have had bad relationships that left me with doubts one after the other that a part of me feels now like love should be earned. When it shouldn't. I shouldn't think that way, nor feel that way when I fall in love with someone. To fall madly in love. I have to let go of those fears and questions and doubts and love like I've never been heart broken before. Returning to the innocence of love at it's purest form. The only way to do that is to fully love and trust myself enough to do so. To forgive all the wrongs and truly let go and be happy with who I've become today. At this very moment. That I am a better person for even the wrongs that have been placed onto me, the heartaches that have been felt. I am now better for them. Until I can fully feel this. To believe it with all my heart, it is only then I am ready to be back into a committed relationship. Where my heart is pure again and open to the possibilities that "the one for me" exists, that the faith in love still lives in my heart. I want this, I just don't feel this. So I truly believe that this "break" from Darren was much needed on my half as well, that I have a lot to reflect on.

I wrote something like this to Darren in an email and after I sent it I felt this weight off not only off my heart but also my well being. I walked out of work smiling. Happy without know why I was happy. I come to realize it's the first time in a long time I truly know what's wrong and what I need to do and that I'm back on the path again of finding what I'm all about again. The last time I did this was when I was single for a full year, that was in the tenth grade. After that when I thought I knew who I was and what it was all about. ( the truth is, can you really know who you are when you're 15? ) It wasn't soon after that another boy broke my heart with his actions towards me. ( With this the hardening of my heart began towards boys ) . The next boyfriend I had was competitive and emotions were overwhelming where I broke it off. The next boy I was with ended up cheating on me or wanting to, I don't remember. After that was X-bf Trev, where I don't know how to describe our relationship, we were together for the longest time and the only thing I really walked away with was becoming more of an independent person from the opposite person in a relationship. I guess I built independence from him because I felt I wasn't the one he wanted to build something with, I had to build it for myself. I realized that after the relationship now, I had a lot of hate towards him. The broken promises, words that had no meaning. Don't say it if you don't mean it. I will hold it in my heart against you. ( That kind of mentality is what I need to forget ) What's done is done and I'm better for it. The lowest of the low can never be again when you've already felt it and you've climbed so far back up.

I don't know how to explain why I feel a bit happier now. Even if it's self satisfaction of self realization. :)

After work, after this revelation. I made my way to Kero's place, we watch a bit of Indiana Jones. Before leaving to head to her other place then to dinner in Korea town. Dinner was good but why do I always feel like Korean food lingers. We then head over to my place to pick up my gear for roller hockey before heading all the way to Langley for drop in roller hockey. [ Now here is the awkward part. How I truly believe that a series of events in life is meant to happen. ] Me and Kero ( two ladies ) walk into a changing room as it slowly fills up with boys. One by one they look at us awkwardly in a weird facial expression on their face. One asked us "are you two playing?" Kero smiles nicely and replies, "yup". I kinda wished I filmed the whole event. ( OK OK THAT is NOT the awkward thing ) Changing in a room full of boys is not awkward to me and Kero since we play in co-ed roller/ice hockey teams. These boys obviously weren't used to US. We kinda felt their vibe of disbelief. But the weirdest moment for me was that one of the guys that came to the drop in hockey was an X boyfriend. Not just any X boyfriend, but the first that had hurt me after my first "finding myself" moment in life. [ ahh life, how you throw these twist and turns at us ] I can't believe it when I see him there. I smile at the fact because life, I knew that life was going to throw something in my face. [ a test from God? If I can let go of the hurt that he had caused so I can move forward a bit more in life? ] I get through the roller hockey, sweating here and there and everywhere. The truth is, I kinda love it. It's a good workout. (I wasn't on the same team as the X). We finish up, the guys were nice and I had a great time and would come out again for sure. I didn't score cause the boys the came out were REALLY good. I mean, half of them I recognized for either playing with Trevor, or against him through out all those years. I casually say goodbye to the X as he leaves and we give a casual hug goodbye like it's good to see each other again. Although it was awkward. The truth is I do feel that I've already forgiven him for his actions. It's been more than TEN years since I last had any interaction with him, what happened back then was when we were both kids. We're older now. I know now that he isn't he kind of guy I want to be with. Our little teenybopper relationship lasted a couple of months? The real test is allowing my heart to let go of the bad memories and allow friendship to happen between us again. I'm going to say that I still kinda feel the hurt, but I'm ready to forgive and let go.

Why do I feel like God wants me to heal quickly? Like he's saying... IT'S ABOUT TIME!
and placing all these series of events in motion, one right after the other.
*pointing to the sky* DAMN IT! WHAT'S WITH YOU AND YOUR GREAT TIMING! it's not so great but STILL! you're lucky my eyes are open and I'm receptive to the opportunities you present to me.

It's about time I find myself again and truly become happy once more. That year I was single and boy worry free. I met so many friends. I took chances and committed to no one but me. I was happy. It's about time I felt that again, I don't know why it took so long for me to realize that I have to FULLY LOVE ME again to rebuild my heart, before I can truly love and commit myself wholeheartedly to anyone else. And when I love again, I know it will be GREAT. :)

I love easily, ( I'm very caring person ) but the truth is.
I can show and give my love to many but only a few will ever truly get a piece of my heart.
Post a Comment