Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Feeling This Is Where I Should Be

I have a strange sense of ... this is where I should be. I'm beginning to embrace the single-dome again. I've come to realize a couple of things. Why I did hate Trevor for a while. That whatever I had left in love and trust in men was given to him and I kind of feel like I don't have anything left. Whatever relationship I wish I wanted with Frankie, or Darren would have never worked because... though I have a lot of heart. The love behind it wasn't there. I assumed the worst already when going in, and simply had no more faith in Love to believe it would even turn out right. I knew my 26th year would be big, but I'm starting to get that sense of change I did when I was 15-16. When I took that one year to reflect. I'm older now, though the events of past relationships have made we weary, they have made me smarter in knowing what it is I want from a relationship. My problem is. There should be no doubts in love. That I should have more faith in Men. Faith in the fact that like Frankie and Darren, there are great men still left. I need to break those barriers that created this imaginary wall of protection around my heart. Though I may believe they are there to protect my heart from breaking. It could be simply building up more excuses not to let anyone close enough for me to love them because of the secondary thought that ... it will hurt less when it doesn't work out.

Career Wise... This is the best time for me. I'm working more DT. My brain is in constant drive mode now. Though I don't have that much inspiration. My heart is finding it's way back through working it all out. Creating and being creative in other ways. I'm currently thinking about my book again...the story must go on. I have a couple of videos in the making. ( but I need a guy to be in the videos ) [ you have no clue how much I liked Darren for the fact that he was cool about being in my vids :( ... we barely talk anymore ... ] why is it so weird for me to have someone you so deeply care for... suddenly have them cut ties. I guess my heart and mind is thinking. You're not dead. I'm not dead. We can stop communicating when I'm gone... or one of us... ANYWAYS... Project To You has been picking up. I haven't done much promotion besides Youtube... but the most important thing to me is that I pushed it out there. This project is never ending so all things take time to grow. Painting... I've been itching to paint again.

Personal Relations: I've come to realize that there are certain relationships that mean a lot. I'm one of those people that if you EVER truly needed someone to be there, I'm that person. I rarely say NO to my closest friends. My loyalty and devotion to the people I love knows no bounds. However. I ask myself if I were in trouble, dying or who I can trust with my life if I really needed them to be there. For some reason in my heart ... I know they would be.

I had lunch with GB Chris today and I realized I need to find people who I can trust with my life. The first three I could think of was... Him, Nicki, and my sister.

Chris was born the say day I was, we have the same heart when it comes to friendship and how we are to them ... we have loyalty in our blood.

Nicki, is a hard cookie to crack. It's hard to get close to him cause he himself is very guarded. But there's one thing I know, he smiled for me. He loved me once ... and I loved him. We will always have that bond, I'd trust him with my life because there's that feeling of safety with him. And like I said before... I've always felt that "protective" vibe from him.

My sister: she's the one that watched over me the most! She's like mom to me. She always played mom to me. So when worse comes to worse... I trust her... she is a strong, independent female in my life that I would never want any harm to come to. As much as she is guarded towards me I would have to say, I can become very protective of her as well.

Now who would fill my next two spots I have no clue. However if I think about it. Frankie and Darren both had qualities that I would have to say that I could trust them with my life. I simply get that vibe that they would never want any harm to come to me as well. There's that strong willed that I sense that dwells within them that when it comes down to the final fight...they will stand up and face it. But do they fill my final two spots... I don't know. I've come to know that relationships are important. Knowing who you can trust with your life is more crucial to me now more than ever. Doing what I'm doing. Striving to be where I want to be... I have to surround myself with the right people. When that happens, there's a certain energy that flows.

Independence: I'm current more driven to get my license. I'm planing to switch my goal for a scooter for a car, because everyone is telling me it's more practical. Plus, I need to make it to the games. My mind has been planing on moving out... my brain is in financial calculation mode of saving and splitting my pay and trying to save a grand a month. I'm for some reason more motivated. Now here is the other dilemma. I've been feeling when I save up enough. Should I stay?

Friendships and Getting Out and About: I know isolating myself is BAD, very bad. So I'm forcing myself to plan events and outings with friends. I plan to go do City Walks Vancouver... like the little trips and tour I did in Toronto. I've decided I'll do this filming and for photography. ... Photography... I am also considering getting a new lens so I can get greater shots. I've re-activated my flickr account to be more motivated to keep taking beautiful pictures.

TODAY_ I had to bring my hockey gear to work. I brought it from home, got on the bus and then onto the train then from the train to work. I realized this hockey gear is a total conversation starter. I learned that good looking Jugo Juice guy can't skate. :( awww disappointing.. On the elevator ride up. A girl asks if I played hockey as a job somewhere in the building. I said no, but that would be really cool. I had lunch with Chris at an all you can eat salad place. After work when I was leaving the building some guy starts chatting it up with me about hockey. He was in awe that I played hockey. Not believing me. He sasses me up a bit and mumbles as he walks off. I went from work to chill a bit at Jugo Juice with Jugo Juice guy. :P and got a free drink as a treat. I had time to kill and ended up going over to Kero's place to chat it up with her for a bit before she dropped me up at Van's before going to our roller hockey game. We end up at the game...and play with no goalie. There is one thing though. I wasn't panting or dying at the end of the game. I was quiet alright. I guess becoming more fit has allowed me to have more stamina. Though I feel now like I should have played harder. With more passion as well, more skating, more playing smart. I got a bit lazy because well ... we had no goalie and it felt like it was all in good fun. End of the game, Ben pulls through and drives me home. :) I felt a bit abandoned when he forgot about me the day before. This morning Ed says that I should listen to this lecture from this man that passed away a few years ago from Cancer. The lecture was wonderful and made me feel more... like everything is going to be okay. I'm watching it again after I shower because I'm a visual person, I want to see what he had to show the world.

Happiness. My brother just tells me if I got my box. BOX?! YES! my cammy is back, and she's been fixed! I'm SO happy. I wonder what should I shoot first. aahhhh so many things!

Good things always happen.
I've been feeling sick lately again. I was feeling really down this morning because of it. But a part of me felt like in this hardest moment, something good will prevail from it. It's the balance of the Universe. I checked my lottery ticket to find I won 30$ it's not 30 million .. but it's 30 something. Now getting Cammy back *smiles*. Am I so strange that the little things make me happy?

This is where I Should be. Knowing more than before what needs to be done. Letting go of the past. Moving forward in every which way direction life is going to take me.
Post a Comment