Thursday, April 01, 2010

Getting Back To Me

I must say I'm so tired already... I've been trying with what ever energy I've been able to muster up since the last few days of emotional draining days. I was very much trying to get back to me. Focus on what it is I really need to do now more than ever before. Love is not love of someone, my love runs deeper than that to what it is I do. I've forgotten so many things lately...what I'm really all about was one of them. It's time to focus back to the business part of me. To keep building what it is I've been trying to build these last seven months. What I've been working towards.

Downtown work seems to be more tedious of work that has nothing to do with design and is making me more weary if I want to stay there. I'm all about helping a company grow, but if my skill sets are not used to the best of it's abilities... it only makes me feel so wasted. That my energy is placed into doing other jobs of lesser value.

I'm going to be re-focusing back more on freelance... I shouldn't have steered away so easily from it in the first place. I'm tired. But I keep going.

I thought I was only going to be out for an hour or so today but ended up going with my sister to visit her old co-workers at Vanoc. Spending more time with my nephew hasn't really gave me more insight yet. I do look forward to when he starts walking and talking and all the fun stuff. But the responsibility for him to me has yet to set in. Maybe cause I knew he was always supposed to happen. Since I already met him in a dream before. Although when I am with him and when he smiles at me when I say a simple "Hi" to him. He looks at me like he's always known who I am, I give him a grin and he grins at me back. I look at him and wonder, when it is going to be my turn. When am I going to be able to have someone in my life to create something so beautiful. A part of me feels like I may never feel this.

Relationships... being in one, I shouldn't miss it, if I've never really been in one.
I say this because ... In my last long relationship, or what ever you may call it, I sacrificed a lot more for than I felt he did for me. I worked a lot around him. There was no even ground. My sister said something to me today in the lines of ... sometimes when you come out of a relationship you take it differently in different ways. You can be emotionally heart broken as were I went a different route, I was more angry. I would like to be in a relationship that counts, I just don't really feel I have the heart for it anymore. Maybe the one I'm meant to be with will make me feel it again and place love back into my heart.

Till then, if that ever happens...no more talking about love ( for "the one").
Though I hope for it / expect it, the faith that it will come to me is slowly fading.
I'm starting to feel that - that love doesn't live here ... not anymore.
I don't know where it's gone. I know I've spent too much energy on it...I'm done
... I'm tired.
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