Thursday, April 15, 2010

Random Thoughts Before Dreams.

You know... I've been feeling sick on and off for the last few days...and it's now subsiding. I would feel anxiety for no reason and find myself at at shortness of breath. But besides that. I've been feeling... a flip of back and fourth between the ... I know what I need to do right now... I'm a strong person and I can get through a lot. I can succeed. Then there's the part of me... that just feels this sadness. I miss love. It's sad to know that I don't even if I can kiss someone and feel that shiver that melts the heart. I abandoned the thought of romance long ago because...I barely believe it exists anymore. Getting flowers at random, showing up at the front door because they just love seeing you and want to be with you. Random presents, random trips, random... Love. I've never had that... The shivers have left me, I don't even know if I can feel that in a kiss anymore. But when I do.... I know I still have love in me... It's all in the kiss now. The hold, the touch, the presence.

I've been feeling the last few days just packing up and leaving and take a trip. But I have no where to go. I have no one to kiss, no one to hold. I only have me.

I want to paint. But I have no inspiration. Though I push on. Even when I wake up sad. I curl up to a pillow as a hug another. I feel like I'm coming out of a LOVE withdraw. Like coming off a drug.

I think I'm going to start looking for dresses to wear for work as the weather gets nicer. I need to start feeling more sexy, strong, and independent again.

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