Monday, September 06, 2010

So Much & So Little

... You have raised me, yet never really raised me. You love me, but never really feels like you loved me. You support me, yet it never feels very supportive. You assume, but will never know. You question, yet never ask the right questions. Dad, it really feels like you will never know who I am and all of what it is I do. To you, I will never be smart enough. You say I have talent, but no skills. That.. I think I'm smart, but everyone looks at me and thinks... I'm SO STUPID.

One of the biggest things that I shouldn't let get to me, easily does. My dad maybe one of the reasons I'm a blocked artist. The image and thought that I am and will never produce anything good enough to his standards. I shouldn't be creating for him, nor for anybody else but me. Then the thought of his voice pops in my head and it poisons my soul to say. How can you be a great artist if you're painting what other people don't like. See? Do you see why I'm stuck? My conversation with my father today on the car ride over to my sisters place was a little bit of a slap in the face. The gist of it is that he believes we don't ask enough questions / seek advice from him / anyone to be good enough to be successful. I said that he never asks us anything about what we do / how we are doing, so we never tell him. I said that I would never tell him every little thing I'm up. His reply was that he's so tired of asking, he doesn't care to ask. [ My dad has never really asked us how we are doing... he's notorious for scolding and that's it. ]  He continues to say we're stupid, that we never ask for advice. I would never really ask for advice from my dad because... he would have no clue about anything to do with art or art business. There's no point in conversing with someone that constantly knocks you down when they should be the one to support and hold you up. I really don't know why I'm still living in my house, as sad as my environment is. I'm more content away from it than when I'm there. I guess it's me growing out of my pond - it's soon time for me to swim out to sea.

There is only so much one can take and so little of the amounts you get back. You start to ask what your worth and what it is you're willing to sacrifice.
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