Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween
Yesterday was a long day for me, like every other day now a days. I did a lot to push forward in what I need to be doing.
I'm strongly now thinking of moving into the guest room. However when I do that, my mom will for sure fill up my current room with stuff. My mom is a hoarder if I never mentioned before. The room is smaller but its closer to my work space. Sacrifice? Gains? I really need to fully Submerge myself in what I need to do to get where I need to be. My brother is fighting me on the basement. His domain. For a guy who moved to Australia and applied for permanent residency - who has a condo he's thinking of moving back into when he returns. Does it make a whole lot of sense for him to occupy a whole level - when and if he returns - will he be jobless?. He does trades - stock exchange stuff. Really? Brother? What are you building that is currently equal or more to what I am currently building. I think my biggest upset with my family is that - It's not that I want them to be supportive. I kind of need them to be.

They say 'no' with out clear reasoning before anything else. 'No' does not leave room for growth, 'no' shows me how you love me. I hear more of - 'you can't ' in my house. And yes I push back because people are not understanding that - the successful ones in this world never grew up with the environment of 'can't' maybe it is time to move out sooner than I thought. I put so much effort into making my house a home- but it's nothing more than a place my family occupies, where I sleep some nights. Where I partly grew up in. There is no appreciation here. I put hours into renovating. Plastering, sanding, painting, cleaning. I have done some kind of remodeling or re-decorating 10 spaces in this house. More than half the house and still I don't deserve to build a space of my own in a two story house that is currently being occupies by 3 people. I need either remove myself from this environment of 'Can't' or try and make my house into one of 'Can'. But I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Kind of sucks a lot when I think about it. All in all. I have no idea if I am fighting people or time, haven't even gone into get a full cancer free check up yet. But that in it's own is someone telling me I have a time limit - If the result comes back positive. We all know life's time limit - isn't told. You can be in accident tomorrow and pronounced dead - it's why you question why you do what you do and if you're happy doing it. If you aren't then you should be asking yourself what can I be doing to make myself happy. I'm trying to make myself happy- for more than a year now.
The house of can't - Hmmmmm.

Sleep Sitting Up

I'm drifting off the sleep as I write this. A bit of a mix of emotions.

My website was hacked . twice. I was not too upset, but I guess I just don't get the hacking thing. Hack banks and what not. I'm not even popular. Right after the hack mishap I started to think what I wanted the new site to preform on. I am now thinking of a new site design. I uploaded the program to run my site on friday night. Did my skeleton this morning. So basically the site is now mapped out.
I spent most of today working on the site and then I renovated. Worked on the washroom and the kitchen downstairs. Then I worked on the cover art. and painted some more.

More let down. Boyfriend was supposed to plan something for later I guess today. - He said he'd do something... then admits he forgot. I bet he even forgot that he would try to party with me this Halloween. I said this so long ago... what am I feeling? I'll be honest. I'm disappointed and at the same time I feel like.... this is so typical. Especially when it comes to guys and me. Really... I'm surprised I even feel disappointed about anything anymore.

Brother said no to the room swap again. Then I remembered. That used to be my room 10 years+ ago. I would like it back.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Morning Pages XXX

Morning Pages XXX
Im just kidding it's not my thirtieth post, maybe it is. I lost count. My mind is just about blank this morning. Woke up early, meditated before taking a shower. We have nothing good in the house. My groceries have been eaten by my parents. They seem to not care about stacking the fridge anymore. I don't think they ever even thought they ever stacked the fridge. Thank god I keep food at the office. I'm craving fruits. I started working our again slowly. I'll be honest, I've been keeping my weight without really doing anything. Wow, right- no I watch what it is I'm eating.

I'm getting more irritated by those who don't move into the sky train from the doors. I understand that you want to be by the door when it's your stop. But the truth is, you can make your way there when the time comes. Easy in- easy out? Lol that's a pretty fucked up way of life. Remember - sometimes the things we do to make ourselves comfortable, brings unfortunate circumstance for others. Be aware of what it is you're doing. Others will be aware as well and eventually your actions change the world. We are by nature selfish - I know this but comfort for me is when my conscience is calm. I'm easy to regret forgetting little things like saying thank you to the bus driver. Is that weird? I say thank you for anything that anyone does for me. This habit wasn't taught to me. I just follow my heart a lot. I'm aware what I say or do changes lives. For the better or worse. I always hope it's for the better.

I miss some people today. From the past. Friends that don't seem so much like my friends anymore. Like something I lost in a divorce. Lol - bad analogy - like a dog you loved, but you gave up cause the other person wants them more. The thing is... I don't think the dogs miss me. They are happy where they are. Thats all that matters.

This winter should be fun. I can't wait to go snowboarding! I can't wait till I hit up the studio to record my first song and have a polished personal song. I can't wait to move downstairs. I can't wait till I make my own space. I can't wait to set up the studio. I can't wait till the art show coming up. I can't wait till I start to paint again. I can't wait to dive further into photography. I can't wait to promote the ones that should be doing what they want to do - trying to reach their goal. I can't wait till I go on a much needed vacation. I can't wait till I get abs. I can't wait to catch up with some old friends again. I can't wait till the day my nephew learns to walk. I can't wait till 7-8 months from now. To see what it is I've done. It's time to hustle now. I'm the spark that started the fire. I will fuel it.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Morning Rush

The Morning Rush

I should have went to bed earlier but lately, it's just been...let's see what else I can get out of the way. Yesterday was sort of a funny kind of day, where work was slow but I got majority of what was needed to be done out of the way. After work I met up with DJ at blenz at SFU. He told menof his business venture and in exchange of my services I will get personal training sessions and diet mapped out and some other stuff. It was funny, just earlier my friend gave me the offer of a website design for free music lessons from one of the top music teachers in Canada. That's a good trade right? How do I trade my services to get myself an apartment. No sexual offers please. I will only do art and design work.

I am in need of a new comp. The one in my possession of work which is really my brothers computer which is filled with stuff. Stuff I don't know if I should save or delete. I should start backing up my stuff again, but I really don't that much important files on my MacBook at the current moment. Well my new computer has been decided, that I would like a Pc. However I would like 3 monitors. Why three? Well the most of us design on one or two. I would like three. One monitor for file organization, one for pure design(one infront of me) and one for whatever. A movie? Pure email and messaging. Anything I need - file transferring needs? But a friend said three maybe over kill. Maybe I just like symmetric things if I'm going to have a comp screen in front of me, then have one to my right and another to my left.

Last night I ended up reformatting the blog. Why? Because I added a new page to the site . A new list that was a part of the homework that DJ gave me. A victory list. To date and write what I accomplished that day. May it be small or big. The site is pretty and still plain. Man I should start attaching pics again on here. Text is no fun. I'll do some later today.

Man people are asses these days. Just gave up my seat to an old man with a cane. Personally, most of these people around me probably got more sleep than me. But as in getting things done. Mmmm I dunno. Live your cycle of work and money. Life's going to be over before you know it and you'll ask where your time went. Yay some of my things got shipped. So I'll be expecting packages soon. Christmas presents for family and the bf. Things for the renovation downstairs. I'm happy that this month, although I spent money, I'm still going to able to pay it off and save. I have to get back on track for my 25G's goal. I'm kind of disappointed that I strayed from that but, it's good to be at zero - scratch that- it's good to be in the positives. I should start making cheques out to the dad soon. I should call shaw as well. Hmmm I'll do that at work:

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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Goodbyes To One I Remember

Goodbyes To One I Remember
I broke down in high school ten years ago to the day. I cried yesterday, when I visited just outside my old high school. Where it all went down. Lol, I cried when a guy who was friends with a group came an introduced himself and was yelling back to his friends why I was there. Why did he have to do that? - was the first thought in my head - another part of me wonders if Ray was there, knowing he wouldn't let it pass if there was no hello's between his friends. You see, the thing why I would be so touchy about it is that - that is why I remember him the most. Our hellos. I told the guy that yesterday and he made sort of a, 'OMG you're here because he just used to say hello to each other?!' - yes, and no- I wanted to tell him that he didn't understand. That the truth of it was that it didn't matter how far away from Ray I was - he would always say 'Hi', may it be a wave, a honk and wave, we could be at the opposite ends of the school and he would whistle and wave or something but a hello would be there as long as we were in eyes view of one another. That's why I was there, familiar faces were there, but they don't remember little old me. I first met Ray in art class. I started making an effort to converse with him in the halls after one of my friends was close to one of his. In senior year after this incident I singularly parted from my crew of friends in high school - more so hang with them once and a while. The whole ordeal after Ray's death was a bit sad. But I chose to be more of a loner, a part of me knew it was when I needed to find my own distinction from them. I built my rep as the 'artist' and there was nothing more to it than that. I can't be amongst those who can't distinguish the difference the clear line of right and wrong. I knew ten years ago, I just didn't need drama. But the funny thing is that drama will somehow always surrounded me. Now I try to avoid or tame it. Sometimes it's hard to avoid- but hey- life goes on for me till the doctor says so.
I worked on the first half of the lyrics to the new beat that SJ sent me. Kinda sucks he notified me yesterday that the studio is fully booked this week after 6.

I shopped online last night and got Christmas presents. I'm wondering if I should bake tonight. - I noticed that I sleep well and early when I'm with Ry- I end up with 3-4 hours sleep now a days. My brain is always thinking of what next. What should I do. I should be painting. No- I really should be. As I was walking to the bus stop this morning I was feeling excited. Excited about this 27th year. Funny I'm a month in.

D-Meth is building, 6 weeks in a row we've continued pushing out music and Cover art. I've been working on the blog but I feel I'm at a stand still. I really should be looking into building a new computer because the one downstairs shoots me an error message from time to time. Fine- every time I'm designing. Not enough on the scratch disk for memory. The computer just makes me mad- pc's - lol I should hate on pc's to be honest - I work off of a monster of a computer at work. But the pop ups still bug me. I am leaning towards a Mac because I Have bought serials and licenses for a few of the programs. Debate- I'm probably going to go with a Mac. I guess it's time to research my butt off. Mac, because I already know how to edit video and produce music and everything with them. Pc's they can be upgraded, but I will need to learn whole new programs for editing and producing. I was running about looking for one of my keyboards yesterday. I wonder if we still have it. Ah, Pc or Mac. ?!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Strange Findings

Strange Findings

We all do it, there's always something that reminds you of someone you used to be with. - I was going to say love, but I can't fully say I loved everything about every guy I've dated. But I find myself thinking of someone as I see a big white truck drive by, or parked along the street. A part of me wonders if his life turned out the way it did in my dream.

The bf is late picking me up, thus giving me time go do my daily blog. I missed yesterdays. What did I do yesterday? Eat at Wings and slept and played star craft 2 . I'm trying to learn to be a pro. Lol. I am a long ways from it but hey.

I was listening to a new beat SJ made me and I have to say this ones for me stuck. The tune changes. Do I sing, rap lightly?

Today was nice - to have dim sum on my lunch break with Ry. I loved it. Even though the service was slow and not that great. He is the first bf to have lunch with me on my lunch break. Which was nice.

Oh, my rides here.
My tummy hurts a bit -_- .

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Friday, October 22, 2010

Death Dates

Death Dates

Remembering them are the worse, but still we honor them because they in death taught us something, no matter who they were. I guess it depends on who you are and what impact you leave , but I guess that's the reason for us to live a grand life, touch hearts, spread love. I thought I missed it, I had made a note that I would go. 10years - I would go visit him. I remembered when I passed by my old high school, by the alley. By the place where it all went down. Sucks - this years our 10 year reunion too. Attending or not, I haven't decided. Funny isn't it? I'll visit in remembrance of my friends death, but am undecided about seeing the living. Mmm I'm still thinking about it.

Super sexy Fridays continue. Wearing a dress I bought yesterday. It's funny because I find that on these days is when I'm experimenting on make up, style. I mean I'm wearing my mom's 20 years old trench coat- and this thing is boss! Lol - am I the only one using that term? "Boss" as to refer to something large and in charge? It's an awesome term.. It means what it means and isn't to demean or refer to something else. Like so many things put there today. I'm so hungry - I guess I'm going to be eating the last chicken pot pie in the freezer at work that I stored there.

Wow, I've been really too tired to clean. I'll do a little here or there but. Ehh. Man, I really want to fix up the basement and move down there and actually have friends over. It sucks balls that I don't have that freedom right now. I need to practice driving and getting it once every other week is bugging me, it's like everyone expecting me to just get the license but when I need them to help, not a lot of people are willing to be there to help, not even the same people that you expect to help you are there. Not even the ones that are telling me to get my license. Always the unexpected ones. I can't do it without their help. It's like everyone expecting you to learn to walk, but everyone to expect you to walk - won't guide you, hold your hand, or show you: just tell you. Some people can do it, but we're not all geniuses. I know how to drive, probably better than some other drivers out there, but I'm still roughy around the corners, even I know that. I don't mean at turning, just driving in general.

If people haven't noticed I blog in the mornings now, because well this is part of my rehabilitation for my creative soul. I write my blogs in my notepad and email post it on the blog. I haven't done a lot with pics but I should go back and add them. Lol I have some great ones. These are my morning pages. I should be blogging at mint to journal and reflect my days end. But ... Now a days I'm a bit too tire to keep looking at a screen at the end of the day.

Today I will work hard, to polish up a website, send off new variations of a logo, to finish re- designing another one of out clients websites... What else is in the list ... When I get home, I will do laundry, clean my room ad maybe head downstairs to paint and as I'm doing that, I will practice my vocals. The basement has great acoustics right now. I should consider starting my other painting but I want to set up the art space first. I'm going to try to de-clutter a lot more stuff. Sucks, art takes up a lot of space, especially when you have lots of supplies. Come on lottery, hit the jackpot! The jackpot of life! Lol

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Thursday, October 21, 2010

Love Is The Hearts Job

Love Is The Hearts Job

This thought came across my mind because I realized the moments that some of the guys I've come across in the last year, when it comes to love- they thought so much that it gave them a headache. The problem isn't thinking about Love, is that they were using the wrong organ. That's why I always advised my friends and people I love to go with feeling. If your thinking too much, then you have a headache, it means your over looking your heart's job. You're over looking all the other senses with the top man. If your brain is your number one organ, your heart has to be number two ... Right, but then people can still 'live' when they're brain dead, so does that mean your heart is number one? Your heart has just as a big role in your body as your brain. They are thee two biggest business partners in your body. Your brain may bring facts but your heart is pure instinct, gut, feeling. Feelings guides a lot. It makes us do some crazy things at times that your brain can only come up with reason. I'm kinda glad that I'm not with any of the guys that used too much of the brain to even think of love web it came to me. I want to say to them - you're using the wrong organ buddy- that's why we'd never work. Love doesn't come from the brain- it maybe what compels us to come up with ideas on how to love someone but the truth of it lies in the heart and we all know that. A lot of things express how we feel, your mind maybe blank at the point of heartbreak, but your face, your body, your voice it changes or stays strong, but it's all on the heart to deal with that. That's why it aches - that's why it keeps beating -why it stops.

I went to sleep yesterday super early and didn't even eat dinner and my body felt a little sore when I woke up. I've been active in my dreams lately. I don't remember this time what I was dreaming about. Wow even with so much sleep i'm still yawning.

I realized something when I'm practicing my singing. I hesitate beig loud. It's all the conditioning of being a good kid and being quiet. And now I need to push past that fear of how I'm going to sound louder. If I'm not using 100% then I'm not using 100% lol . I think everyone at one point in their lives wants to know what it is they are capable of.

Man I think today I'm going to go home, do some laundry and clean my room. It's been neglected. The dog is doing his crazy thing in the middle of the nights. I'm starting to ignore it but yup... He's going a little bonkers. I have to start setting up my radio alarm again. My body has gotten used to searching for my phone and shutting it off without my knowledge.

The brain is your command centre, your heart is the power house. Lol. The command centre can't function without the power, but the power can keep going without the command centre. But the powerhouse has a lifespan too. I'm gonna rest a little before going to work. Mmm breakfast. What should I get? :(

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Less Sleep, More Drive

Less Sleep, More Drive
I'm currently running on 2-3 hours of sleep. Sleep that wasn't continuously collected. I'm surprised I'm up but I always knew the key was with food. If you're lacking in sleep an are tired, I find that when I eat a light snack / breakfast your good. But I never record how log these go for.

Yesterday I met up with Esjay, we spoke about the d-meth blog. Personal struggles. Thoughts. Updates. He tells me that he he wants to get me up in the studio next week. In the next few months, till the end of 2010, big things are going to happen. For more than just me, but the D-Meth crew. There are those of us that I believe are strong enough in what we do, to build and strong hold what we do. Even though the son of god was born amongst us, even he had to perform acts and services ... Things that seem miraculous to others, to prove himself. His worth.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Waking Up Tired

Waking Up Tired
Feeling sick after I eat. Feels like the norm now that it's happened a few days in a row. I'm pretty sure I was dreaming about - something about living in an awesome condo, hiding from the press, a friend hiding in a locker that had lots of midol and Tylenol. I think it was Halloween with people and a few costumes here and there. The condo was nice, big tall floor to ceiling windows.

I woke up this morning and was sitting in the washroom and I thought to myself, when I build my own place, I want sliding doors, swinging doors take up too much room. The Japanese got it right.
I barely ate this morning. I woke up really early to let the dog out of my room to go back to bed. Mmm the as I was getting out of bed the knocking on the wall annoys me.

I spent so many hours last night painting. I got to just paint the white now. My dads do anal. He seems to be so glad I'm sanding and painting. He was complaining about.. Oh where's the electric sander.. You know Im so tired from home . Do you know how tired I am when I come home and sand, and hurt my neck. When I worked on the basement I realized, he didn't even try to sand it. Someone partially painted a wall that made things more difficult for me to flatten and paint, then I just gave up. And just painted over it.

Dad's all saying I should go for my road test. Saying how much my insurance is going to cost if I don't go soon. Then he goes to say how I have no drive for anything. - I told him not to talk to me about money, it's not about money- I barely practice driving and me being fully comfortable while driving well, I need to be there. Then he goes to say that I'll be forty if that's the way I want to do it. My dad can go fuck himself for saying stupid shit to me. Two things he ever complains and talks about is Money, an Food. He complains and worries about money all the time and talks about food. What I should eat, what I can't and shouldn't, what he got for a deal, and what was on sale. That's the gist of my dad's conversations when he talks to me. He never asks how I am, nor what I'm up to, how is work. The only thing he would ask me is, how much I make. He belittles me and always insinuates some kind of perception of me being worthless - or useless. Ahhh Shit - I hate talking about money. If you keep complaining about not having money, or worry about money, you will always never have enough money and will always worry about money. Come on even my palm reader told me, Money is the least of my worries - I will always have money throughout my lifetime.

I hate the mental abuse, I probably have gotten it the worst out of my siblings. My sister said I shouldn't tell my dad of my successes because to him, they will most likely never be good enough.

That's a horrible thought isn't it- making your child believe they will never be good enough. It's no wonder I used to be a bit suicidal.

*later addition* I can't believe I forgot to add this, that I just love getting things in the mail. I got my mini light saber and the things I ordered from home depot. When I was painting I discovered the bird kept going in the food container, he did it twice so I filmed a little and photographed it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Sitting Still, Passing By

Sitting Still, Passing By
I dreamt of him last night, it bothers me when my awake mind has come to terms and allowing the truth to pass. He comes back in the conscious I have no control. Maybe when I am aware that I'm sleeping. But I don't know about you, when I'm sleeping - most of the time it's like me falling into someone elses body and mind. I know what they know, see what they see. Past to present. I don't need him in my physical mind anymore or mental, he has no business here anymore.

Man there's so much stuff I have to do now. I decided how many pandas will be in what piece. Now I have to sketch the position I'd like them to be in. But I think I have to paint my big canvas first. For the up coming show.

Havent blogged for several days.. Mm what is there to say. My sisters rabbit died last Friday. It was rough to see her tired. Tired from taking care of baby who was sick.. Her lack of sleep didn't allow enough energy for her to cry about her lost. My sister loved all her rabbits. Sad really how they go. But I said to her that that's why god made so many of them. And when she goes up to heaven she's going to have so many companions waiting for her. One creepy thing that did happen was that when we were talking about the rabbit, one of Ethan's play tables that makes sounds went off. "spash little duck, jump little frog" - creepy since the bunny died by drowning - he had accidentally hopped in the koi pond and couldn't get out. :( . My sisters birthday is coming up and I think I know what I'm going to get her. Mmm I hope she'll like it.

Saturday It was a beautiful morning and I was supposed to go eat dimsum with the bf. He didn't sleep till late and felt sick that morning. I made my way to him, getting lots of yummy food at T&T before arriving at his house. I just thought .. If we couldn't go for dim sum, I'd bring dim sum to him. Damn that's right.. I should start to learn how to make some.

I enjoy the mornings where I sleep in and stay in bed... It's been a while since I enjoyed consecutive days of doing so. But Sunday was good! :)

I finished playing my game Kingdom Hearts - 385/2 days. I'm going to be honest I have No idea what that name means. I'm such a fan of the game but still. The trailer for the psp game looked good. I wonder if I should get it soon. I really don't know what I'd do with it after I finish the game. Really. Just stick with one platform! Sheesh. I'm super stoked to see that KH3 is going to be on. The graphics will be crazy- come on, the two greatest minds in the creative field coming together to make this happen blows my mind. The layers of stories and characters of different worlds mixings. Is pretty cool. If there's a crazy combo, is these two. Disney and Square Enix. You guys are my idols for endless evolving your creativity and building what legends are made of. Grateful story lines that build hope, friendship and perseverance. I think that's what draws me to this game. I see what it's trying to build, the heart that goes into creating a game that just isn't about hunting and killing someone / something.

Oh I've also learned how to play Starcraft - which is a bad idea. Considering I used to play age of empire. This is something like that. Just in space and everything is called some made up name. Lol . Ok maybe just something I don't know.

I'm continuing this blog on the train on my way home. I worked hard today. Feels like non stop. Maybe 30mins to eat .. Maybe not even. And even stayed 15mins later after work. It's crazy talk right now in the office and constant changes and needed deadlines. Where were you guys in the summer. When things were paced and easy. I'm afraid I won't be able to go on Vacay
Any time soon. Working hard . Cause I wouldn't enjoy the moments when I do get to relax :) .

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Restless Nights

I've become restless on the nights without you. You're not here to calm my thoughts, so my mind surrenders to rest. The rest assurance that you're alright, safely by my side. I adore the way we huddle closely, the way you hold my hand, the way you brush my hair away from my face...your warmth next to mine. It hasn't been that long since I last saw you... I guess I just don't want to spend too long with out you by me. I would say... perhaps... I've lived long enough without you... ♥ Ry

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Return To Me : Sketch

this is only a sketch of an upcoming painting I will be producing soon. This series I hope to hang in a Starbucks soon. The girl is only going to be a star of one canvas as the other ones will grace pandas on them. So more sketch videos coming soon. This video took 2 days to shoot well evenings. I sketched for 7 mins and then the power goes down in my bf's room. Apparently the power tripped. I didn't even do anything didn't plug anything in. Maybe my laptop. I continued the sketch the next night.

The music to this video was produced by me through garage band. Lots of time, layers and beats together. You never realize what sounds sound great together until you try layering them and placing them together. I love music! <3

I realized as an adult, it's really tough to maintain a relationship with someone working around one another schedule considering both members of the relationship don't live with one another. Friendships are different now too. High school was high school but when you live your own life, work and are pursuing a dream all at the same time. Your friends are only good enough to make time for you as long as your make time for them.

I've been feeling off and on sick again. Probably one of my main reasons when I don't blog so much. Some symptoms came back for a few days. My stomach hurts once and a while. Thus makes me don't care since ... my body is not caring about what I eat that makes it I'm eating whatever I wanted the last few days. But yesterday was a good day. Great food and no sick feeling.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

No More Block!

No More Block!
Lol. That's what SJ said firmly to me yesterday as he dropped me off at home after our meeting. He said saw it too, he couldn't wrap his head around why I am just not producing. DJ says this too. But SJ's determination as of late has warmed me. He said something yesterday night that got me. He said that our thoughts are always going, but try to fall into the space between your thoughts. You know when your brain just doesn't think of one thing or another it just ... Is. Mmm . I spent last night thinking of a concept for the pieces I'm going to do and I came up with one. I'm going to see if I can film and flush out a good sketch of it. Mmm going to be tricky but the piece will be beautiful when it comes together. I should turn in my papers for the other art show soon too.

Yesterday - i kept thinking about little things my boyfriend said to me the night before. I find myself smiling. I am grateful and happy to be with such a great guy.

My back has been hurting again lately. I try stretching it out but it still aches. Which sucks.

I think I know how I'm going to paint the downstairs. Maybe I can even work on it some tonight.

I feel... Good ... Soul wise. My heart's happy. This is the satisfactory level of life

My package came today! score!!
I Ordered this thing that are like ankle warmers but there's like a hole there that strings your heals through it. What it is kind of like long socks too... wow I'm so bad at describing this product but it's pretty awesome.  Erica Giuliani's they are pretty dope. I got them because one of my heels are just a little too big for me so they like to slip off when I'm walking which is HORRIBLE! but these babies totally helped me with my issue and I walk beautifully in my sexy black heals with them. I wished they made the boot cuff wrap in a non shiny material. I would be down for getting a pair. Great price, from great minds. I love this product! How did I remember them... well I saw these ladies on Dragon's Den and then when my heels didn't fit properly I remembered the product they pushed. I thought it was awesome. I'll support my fellow Canadian companies any day!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I Am My Own Reason

I Am My Own Reason
The other day, my friend asked me to ask myself, "what is holding me back right now?" the truth is...Me! I know this. It why I read the books I've read to become better. I am already capable of the best that I can be, I just have to prove myself wrong - that I am better than I am of my own perspectives.

I don't know if I blogged about this but last month I suffered the feeling of being not worthy of a certain life goal at this point in time. After some time of silent self evaluation - I realized that's exactly what it is. Although I may have not achieved 'that' life goal at the moment- it's just not my time yet. That if I take a step back and really evaluate what it is I am currently striving for - It is a really big goal. To put myself out there - trying to build not only myself but companies - no that's not right to just classify them as companies - a legacy...that's it. 'A legacy' that's bigger than myself. I know that - that legacy is what will also build me as well. To be a known artist / designer before the age of 30. To be able to put on an art show before then - is really something to strive for. Something pretty big.

What was I sad about? Well - I always thought at this point in my life I would be moved out with the person I love. Engaged to be married, and starting to build a family.

After a couple weeks of self evaluation I realized...I have yet to even build myself! I haven't even established myself with my own too feet yet. How can I possibly build a sting enough foundation for a family if my own name is not strong enough. What I mean by that is I have yet to fully build myself as a great person with a solid financial status, independent well being and true familiarity with my own identity. But I must say the 26th year has really created more confidence in myself. I found my style, what I like and don't really like ( clothing wise ) my wardrobe is almost 100% complete . I am now just a week plus- since after my birthday i am now more financially stable. Where I can save largely every month and still spend smartly without having to worry. My health is - rocky but I got my body into shape to where sometimes it's strange to look down at myself. I find myself wondering, 'did my legs get thinner?' somedays. I learned how to drive and it's going to be a matter of time when I take my drivers test. This year I will concentrate what needs to be done to build me to be where I need to be. Cause everything else comes after. That success can help me build up not only myself , but my loved ones, family and friends. I can't build something successful , if I fail myself.

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Dinner and a Plum

 wow... the love of coke-a-cola does start young. :P
Thanksgiving dinner was had at my place, it was really adorable with Ethan running about in the baby walker. My mom hands him a plum and my sister thought that he would just lick it for the longest time. When baby finally bit into it and discovered the yummy-ness inside. It was over! He couldn't get enough of it and bit into it more.

Friday, October 08, 2010

Package For Me?

Package For Me?
Yesterday dad calls me to ask if I'm going to be home for me to see why a package came. Actually two came. One was a shaw digital cable box that I didn't order. I just keep over paying my bills and when I told dad that he went all paranoid crazy saying that that's how the companies rip you off and that Canada is a rip off country. Really. Why do you still live here? Anyways - I don't know why he is being bitchy about the fact that I put on almost 200 every second month for the cable, Internet, and phone. And that's only for home. I still have to pay my stuff. Dad always throw a fit about stuff but when it's come to me, I'm one of those ones where my dad has never had to fork out money for my cellphone, the furniture in my room, my clothes, my books, my computer. I can move out and half furnish an apartment let me think what would be missing. A mattress, television and a couch. Appliances .. That's if I got a house. Maybe I can furnish almost a whole apartment. I have a lot of personal furniture in my house. My whole plan was when I was ready to move out... I was ready. Didn't really have to worry about the furniture I don't have, either did my significant other about what we should spend to fill the place. I thought about all this when I was with trev. We split and the ours get split with what is your-s and mine-s - and sooner or later you become strangers again. Strange - has my brain learned to forget? I can hardly recall the memories. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I really have just wiped the memories to save myself. I know they were good, but they weren't that good enough - since we failed one another in the end. Living in my home- feels like my own place, except there are two entities there that like to live their own lives and throw in their opinions in the end. In starting to live like - they are room mates with attitude. Disturb your way of living and happiness, I truly believe I'm currently failing in my health because I'm not eating right anymore. For a while I was so set on what I eat and what not. Then my dads chirping in my ear- I don't even eat at home anymore - if I do nothing more than a handful. Why? If I got cereal , he'll bitch that too much milk is bad for me. If I for veggies, he said raw veggies are bad with all the pesticides. If I got fruits he said too much is bad too. I make protein shakes, then he'll say the whey protein I put in it is bad and not to eat it. He says I should eat what he eats. I'm sorry your stomach fat is more than mine. Sometimes I want to say- do you want to take my life right now? Since you strongly make it clear that I'm a fuck up? Aah that's enough daddy hate for today. Anyways we got a shaw digital box in the mail, my dad wants to ask how much and what not and if it costs money we'll sent it back. My dads complaining about something he doesn't pay for. Yup, and there was also a ups shipment for me and turned out that it was my apple
iPhone case. I love getting packages in the mail. Like presents :p. I don't even know how I'm going to pick that up from ups.
Getting a seat on the train these days are rough, my buds ask why I haven't finished my book. Well I read on the train, only when I get a seat. And I got one for two stops and gave it up to a pregnant lady when I noticed her standing next to me cause everyone else around me seems to be assholes. Fuck you selfish people. I hope you get pregnant and no one gives their seats to you... -_- ***hate*** lol. Wow.
She seemed surprised when I got up and offered her my seat. I've gotten that a few times these few years. The shock of courtesy. Where has the live gone?
Anyways .... Mmm I've been trying to zone in on me with all these random thoughts about me. Since I'm sick, with a slight cough, I'm going to refrain from seeing the baby this week. And actually try to weasel my way downstairs. My dad's going to bitch about me not doing anything . More than half the Downstairs has my sweat put into it. So shut the fuck up. You do one room and your bitchy. Anyways I'm still debating. Try to get my point across why I want to swap rooms with my brother.. Or not bother and move out. In debating to swap rooms with someone who's not in the country. Why. Mmm want my reasoning? Besides the studio and work space and me getting to actually have people over? If I was to move into the guest room, it will one- not hold all my furniture. Then this leaves my room - currently - bare. If I turn that into a guest room, my mom will take over it and fill it with crap. Her hoarding ways are too much to deal with. If I swap rooms with my brother. She won't touch his room. His room has been left untouched and unchanged since he left what 4/5 months ago? More so. If I move downstairs, I won't get that- you're being too loud. The stupid wake up call I never need. The chance to just have my own domain. Dad says No, cause he just doesn't wants me to have my way, arms length all the time.
The other day when I met up with my old friends from school I realized one thing. If I found out I do have cancer, I would never have the heart to tell anyone. Friends / family alike. There seems like no real point. Mmm those aren't the right words. Everyone lives in their world, live their lives happily. Downer news will always be downer news. If they didn't know- then it to means it will hurt that much less when the time comes. Because it will be the bandaid effect. Shock and then it's over. I guess the real thought is. How much would change if they did know. If it was terminal, what can anyone do to save you? If it was known- it's just might make it that much harder. Mmm I guess my decision is the same as it was a year ago. I wouldn't tell...
I try talking about it and my throat crumples and my eyes want to cry. Let's just save the heartache.

Thursday, October 07, 2010


I don't know how to, if I should bother at all. Sitting down with my dad and telling him everything that I'm doing. I wonder will he listen? I am the last of us. The only one still living at home. If things don't change. I see no point to stay. He demands and pushes and throws his thoughts and ideas and dislikes all around but refuses to listen. I'm saddened at the thought that maybe just maybe I have to say. Do you never question why we have left your side? I've stayed so long out of wonder if you could ever do it on your own. Live together - mom and dad. Without us. My dad apparently randomly calls my sister all the time. He scolds her like any of us. I wonder does he ever bite his tongue. Sometimes My heart yearns for my master Letty, wishing she was still here. She seemed wise and humble enough to put my dad on a different path of thinking. He actually listened to her. Her aura was amazing. You felt it when you were around her, like you can hug it. I no longer do the things I used to. I got the usual yelling today cause it slipped my mind to tell my dad that I'm not eating dinner. He gets so frustrated. He asked demandingly how I will ever raise a family. Before I left, he only asked if I was going to hockey. I said hockey was only in spring. Then he told me not to play hockey. Dad- would you like to take my life. Cause ten years plus ago..your ways almost made me end it. I don't think I've ever heard the words it's great that you... I believe you can... Or I'm so proud... I know the people of your generation- they are not in lacking if encouragement. I feel as though positivity does not live in this house. It is why i let it dwell in me. Sometimes it feels he tries to snuff it out. He yelled at me today - saying that this isn't a hotel. Coming and going as I like. Did I ever blog about the time my dad blamed me for trying to rip the family apart. Wow - that day was a shocker. You see my dads definition of building a family is sitting together an eating. That - if a family eats together, stays together. I don't believe this. Why. We have ate together for years and we barely talk - parents to kids about personal growth subjects or anything that was of any benefit. It has always been as thigh dad always had a story. He's a banking brook. But we - even when we know we're right has to bow down in respect, even to the wrong. This is what I do in sticky confrontations. I try to avoid . Not because I wouldn't know how to handle the situation, it's I wouldn't know how to handle myself. I know my temper. How my heart hates hating. Even venting about my dad. Makes me wish he was different. Has he ever considered the fact that we would be so much more successful if he was more positive? I wonder how many successful people in the world was the stem and root or negative parents. And how many negative people are actually truly successful and happy with their lives. Can they see past what their failures to appreciate what has been accomplished?

I miss my guy. Mmm so much so I'm a bit sad about it. He's like sunshine.
I met up with a few buds today to discuss more work. Mmm doesn't really feel like work. More like a project. I'm starting to believe that my next electronic toy may be an iMac. Why? Because I've already purchased some stuff for it - software etc. I enjoy meeting up with buds. They keep my mind distracted and focused on more important matters.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

My Different Worlds

My Different Worlds
Yeah it's difficult putting up a front. The first interaction with my dad this morning really wants to make me punch him in the face. He says to me, " I asked you to find the power sander the other night (Sunday) and you still haven't found it. You know I get home and I'm tired. I'm old, cant you see CC ( the dog) thats how old I am." Then he goes on to say how I should volunteer at a old folks home an see how old people are.

Please dad, don't even compare yourself to a dog that's deaf and blind now. Even when he is he still loves me more and shown more love to me in the last 13 years. I came home last night around 9:15pm by that time I was already pretty tired. Why is it so hard for you to find the power sander? Really. Don't compare yourself to a old old man in a senior citizen home. Cause you're not that old.
Ok - no more of that. I feel this suffocating energy from this hatred. Yesterday . Work was work. Nothing really interesting. Got a filet-o-fish meal with a side salad and orange juice for lunch. After work I was walking to the skytrain. I man who's stopping for the red light says hey to me. And I smile and go on. Then as I cross the street and carry on, another man in the back seat of another car smiles at me. Hmm interesting. Is it really mind over matter. I'll be honest- When I left my building I was trying to build my self confidence .. Saying to myself that I'm sexy. Looking good. Lol - yeah I'm a dork. I head to PC mall to go meet my friend in the lobby of her work building. We were to meet up with some friends that I went to school with. Some of us hadn't seen each other since we graduated. Half the people invited didn't show. Busy or sick. The dinner ended up with three as the friend I arrived there with also took of early. It was nice to catch up. I do believe we should do it more often. I got the fish and chips.

I skytrain home with a friend and the strangest thing happened as a stranger says to me that he thinks I'm beautiful. That he will remember me forever. That he loves me and loves my eyes. He also said something that was pretty creepy - that he wished I was going home with him. How he would feed me a glass of milk ... YAH it was pretty weird. Mmmm but I tried to be as nice as possible. Saying thank you, and he even announced he was gettin off before we arrived at his stop. He kept saying he loved me and that I had a good night. I thanked him again and hoped he gets home safe. Haha and he even waved at me after getting off and I waved back to be nice. Wow- it strange for that to even happen. But I'm glad my friend was there. Or I really wouldn't know how to feel. Guarded or thankful that this man who most likely was high- was complementing me.

I split ways as my friend got off at her stop a while later and I ended up reading a bit before my bus came. I went home and just crawled onto bed. I was pretty sleepy already. I joined a few people in a chat room. I washed up soon after and ended the night falling asleep to another episode of Bleach. I'm pretty sure I didn't finish the episode before falling asleep.

I had a revelation yesterday. That things do happen for a reason in a specific order. Big dreams should be chased one at a time. I should not feel unworthy of anything. Only believe it's in line and that something is supposed to happen before another big dream can happen. One downfall is only the opportunity for something else. And one dream cannot fade in until another fades out.

This is a meeting of great minds, one day we will look back.... and wish we were back there.

One Step Back

One Step Back
I have to admit that my last entry was more like a vent. What am I really supposed to do to get this frustration out. I don't even know what to write about these days. My dreams are becoming more vivid lately. More visuals but nothing too memorable. I pass out while watching anime and I am aware that when I do, my mind phases into a dream right away. I'm in the state of I'm aware that I'm falling asleep and I'm dreaming.

There's nothing I can write about today that I haven't already wrote. What have I done this weekend? Well I spent it with my sister and the baby. Apparently he doesn't see me often enough to know who I am so I was hoping three days consecutively would help somewhat. He still gets shy, then Sunday morning he seemed more responsive to me. but he still cries if he doesn't see mom or dad around. His face does go into the - don't leave me! State which is really amazing, the thought that he already is well aware and can recognize his parents. He's not even one yet. The last weeks he's learned how to crawl, now he's already learned how to pull and hold himself. He still seems a bit uncomfortable standing on his own as much as he would like to. But he's adorable. He seemed to stare at me in awe when I'm practicing my vocals. He looks at me wondering how I'm making that sound.

Well I may prepare to paint tonight. Since I'm home- I usually clean every time- I pick out more things I can donate. My room feels cluttered but ... I dunno where to put the stuff.

I really hate it when my dad knocks on my door to see if I'm awake. He seems to do it often now because I haven't been at home a lot. But with that said.. I still fucking hate it. I mean I've been doing this for how long? Just let me be -_-. My friend says I should think about how good I do have it. I don't want to spend so much energy hating my dad - when I need to focus on other things - but it's really difficult when you have someone who dictates what you should be dressing like, eating, exercising, reading, cleaning, drawing, painting, personal volume. My fathers even walked into my room once and asked why I laugh out loud that I should stop it. That I shouldn't be so loud.

To many say it would be wiser to save money. But at what cost are you willing to give up for it? Happiness? Freedom to just be? Creativity? Those are exactly what it feels like I'm giving up. I try to build up this alter ego to deal with my dad. She's cold. Unresponsive a lot of the time because well - we're taught not to talk back. Then with that he says I'm stupid. Especially me cause I'm pretty sassy. I'm a bitch because I have to put up my defenses. I would have called it quits a long time ago -

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, October 03, 2010

So Badly

Well... My heart hurts at the thought... how badly I want to move into the basement - do renovations. Dad yells at me to say that I never help him do anything. I'm of no use to him. I'm sorry. I advised him on how he SHOULD do the basement floor in the kitchen. A kitchen I want to turn into MY STUDIO, he even wants me to turn it into my studio. What is the point? The point is not for someone to half ass it and say it belongs to me. I know it was a labor of love from his behalf on doing the floors, but the truth is, he half assed it. I told him what I wanted done and he took short cuts. LIKE ALWAYS. He fought me on the kitchen cabinets, he then fought me about the floors. He did the floors and now.... it's WARPED. Would it have been SO HARD TO just pull up the vinyl, and pour down the leveler and then tile. I walk onto it and I just want to bash the floors and destroy it - not because I'm a bitch, it's because I see HOW UNEVEN IT IS! If you're not going to do it RIGHT - DON'T DO IT AT ALL! Because now you have to spend twice the amount of money to fix it the second time around. Do you realize what's going to happen now? I can't bring in an island downstairs if I wanted to, because the uneven floors will be a give away to how screwed up it is. My dad is asking me to do this and that. Sand the walls for painting - help him because he's been doing it all by himself :( aww balls. Dad, me and Sze ( my brother ) have been doing everything on our own renovating the downstairs and you spend little time of your own this year to fix up and you're complaining. I'm not even allowed to move downstairs. But I can set up my studio there - in an area where you 'say' is mine, but you put rules and regulations on? I don't know if he can wrap his head all around the fact that I can't paint, film, video, do photography, audio record, all out of my little room. Then again he doesn't know I do all this in my room either. The fact that my bedroom is next to his - pisses the shit out of me. WHY?! because I can't play my music as loud. I can barely do anything. He used to walk into my room without knocking. [ he's even walked in on me as I was changing -_- ] I BARELY EVER have people over and that kills me - I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to. My parents were never every happy when I did. The dad even gets mad at me when I don't come home and when I'm barely home and he yells at me when I am home. There's no getting round it but the fact of not going home. Now, it's more like... I don't want to help around the house anymore because... well this is how I see it. It feels like my voice is never heard, and my actions are never seen. SO WHAT IS THE POINT?!!!! When I do put my actions into it, you don't acknowledge it - The negativity that stems from my house on the first level just creates emotional stress on me. I come home and all I hear now that my mom is back... is my dad yelling at her. The verbal abuse in my house feels like it needs to be a daily thing from him. I can't stand it. I can't block it out. My brain keeps going on to thinking how I would do up the basement. Then I start to think - What's the point?! if I'm not allowed to make it my own personal domain. Just cause my dad feels like it's my brother's - he wants everything to be perfectly the same when he comes back. WTF. He's applying for permanent residency in Australia. REALLY?! I'm not even kicking him out of the house! I'm just trading rooms. Is it really that big of a deal to swap spaces with someone who's not even in the same country?! There.. here's my vent. My brain keeps thinking.... this is what I should do - change the cabinets, build an extention to the counter, repaint the downstairs washroom, make a recording studio area, art studio area, build a mount for the camera, get a new desktop computer, set up office space, set up ..oh wait... BUT I CAN'T DO IT. Because the truth of the matter is... my brain works so much ... I really need to live with in the same space - I want to be able to be as loud as I want to be in my studio space, watch movies as loud as I want to in my room, have and entertain friends over. Have friends able to come over to work. If feel like I'm trying to build an empire, but I can't expand it and I'm being boxed in. Solution. Save up... Move out. 

Why live so close to the space that I will work..... this is my lifes work. Creating... if I don't live in the space.... I'll just do what I've been doing...... shrugging it off...... doing NOTHING. Something.. but mostly nothing. I don't think I can separate fully my creative life and personal life. My brain's always thinking of something creative. It's like me asking my boyfriend to stop thinking about his car, when I always catch him checking out something for it. It's in his blood. It's his passion. He lives with his art - or shall I say car parts. In plastic bins or dresser drawers. little pieces strewn here and there about in his room.

These days so much energy has been placed towards downtown work and Desi Method - Trying to recover from this lack of inspiration. Trying to get back to 100% physically and such - it's mind boggling. 

Get this, My dad has even put me down before for buying canvases for art. Just because he solely believes I should be doing the art he wants me to do - Seriously he has some control issues. ME - I have some issues about being bossed around. Never tell me what kind of art I should be doing, or painting - especially when you're not paying me to do it. I should just be creating - regardless of what it is.

Maybe it's art.... I haven't been producing some real art - perhaps that's what's slowly making me feel this 'homesick' feeling........ cause I'm not doing what makes me feel like I truly belong in this world. I no longer get lost within the art......perhaps the art is lost within me.

This can't be true, my heart wouldn't still burn with this passion I feel... my eyes would not envision paintings... I have yet to paint...

It can't be true.

Friday, October 01, 2010


( time:8:30am )Ahh I have to do my morning pages but I've got nothing to really write about. Man I've been working my butt off lately. A big part of me wants to just hibernate, but another part's all about the go-go-go. That I want my days to be fun filled and full of happiness. I want to laugh out loud at least once a day. Just to release the heavy load of whatever it is that builds onto my chest. I'm so happy I'm going into October - debt free. It feels good. Feels like ... Really starting anew. Lol not in the sense of anything particular in my life but something.

I had a dream this morning about some kind of outbreak when I was on vacation or somethin' with Ry- I don't remember much but I do remember dragging him into the safe haven that I had been offered by generous strangers. I woke up early this Morning to finish the cover art for Mali's song that's releasing tomorrow. I wish I had more images to select from with no regulations applied onto them. This means I have to go out and do more photography.

Ry gave me a gift certificate for future shop and I'm torn to what I should use it on. Right now it feels as though there are certain things I can do without and aim for other things. PC or iMac? Camera lens? PS3? Complete my dragonball collection? ( time continued: 4:25 ) There's one thing I have to ask myself. Is what I want And need the most at the same time. Then my brain switches to perhaps none. At least right now it does. I wish I could say I feel fantastic today, but I would be lying. I've been eating alright lately. Nothing I can see to make me sick. But I am. Some days is the nauseous mornings and sometimes it's just gross stomach feeling after I've eaten. But today.. What can I say? Day 2 after my birthday and one of the major symptoms comes back. It scares me. I don't cry - anymore. My heart sinks a bit, then I'm reminded why I have to push it to the extreme. Why I maybe here today and gone tomorrow. And I still look at and ask - what have I left behind? And I still feel- not enough. Wow I'm trying so hard not to cry on the skytrain as I write this ... Surrounded by strangers. Maybe I should really consider going to get fully checked out for it. But can you blame me if I'm too scared to really know.

Let's change the topic. I had to go buy tights today because the ones I was wearing... Had a discovery of a hole in it. I took a late break today and went boot stalking. I'm looking for an awesome pair I can wear for a while, with shorts, and over the knee. It's hard to pick. But I have a few in mind but my problem is finding them in a size 5-5.5 . it sucks being little sometimes.

I sent off the cover art to my friends and they loved it. I wish I could flush awesome designs and paintings out all the time in an hour. I would bank so much - all the time.

*sigh* lifes not about making money, there isn't enough time to provided for you to make enough to satisfy your hunger because you'll always want more. Then you'll realize - it's not about the money I make during my lifetime ... But the time I make to spend those moment that defines that I really have a life. Love and passion may not put food on the table, but anyone can make money, food may feed my body, but love and passion feeds my soul.

I've been keeping myself busy. Spending so much time with the ones that seem to now book for my time. Me - I'll always make the effort if they do :). I'll keep saying words from the heart, keep writing them, because someone will read them. Someone may even return to read them. Get to know me a little more - or be re-introduced to someone they never knew. My words have already changed the minds and thoughts of some - some that believed they knew me. Then they admittedly return to say... ' Well, I've been reading your blogs and you're .... Than I thought you we're. '. None have been bad - which is good. I guess . I think I have to learn to be less shy. Hard to believe to some people. But if I get nervous I try to fight it. Nervous to me is a feeling of fear ... And with that said I shouldn't be nervous ... I just don't have time to spare..

My flowers were about to die, but they seem to be better now they are soaking up the water and flower food in my nice tall vase. Maybe the vase is a few inches taller than I thought it would be to the flowers. But the air in my room is fresher. I should nap, but so much to do, so little time.