Tuesday, October 05, 2010

One Step Back

One Step Back
I have to admit that my last entry was more like a vent. What am I really supposed to do to get this frustration out. I don't even know what to write about these days. My dreams are becoming more vivid lately. More visuals but nothing too memorable. I pass out while watching anime and I am aware that when I do, my mind phases into a dream right away. I'm in the state of I'm aware that I'm falling asleep and I'm dreaming.

There's nothing I can write about today that I haven't already wrote. What have I done this weekend? Well I spent it with my sister and the baby. Apparently he doesn't see me often enough to know who I am so I was hoping three days consecutively would help somewhat. He still gets shy, then Sunday morning he seemed more responsive to me. but he still cries if he doesn't see mom or dad around. His face does go into the - don't leave me! State which is really amazing, the thought that he already is well aware and can recognize his parents. He's not even one yet. The last weeks he's learned how to crawl, now he's already learned how to pull and hold himself. He still seems a bit uncomfortable standing on his own as much as he would like to. But he's adorable. He seemed to stare at me in awe when I'm practicing my vocals. He looks at me wondering how I'm making that sound.

Well I may prepare to paint tonight. Since I'm home- I usually clean every time- I pick out more things I can donate. My room feels cluttered but ... I dunno where to put the stuff.

I really hate it when my dad knocks on my door to see if I'm awake. He seems to do it often now because I haven't been at home a lot. But with that said.. I still fucking hate it. I mean I've been doing this for how long? Just let me be -_-. My friend says I should think about how good I do have it. I don't want to spend so much energy hating my dad - when I need to focus on other things - but it's really difficult when you have someone who dictates what you should be dressing like, eating, exercising, reading, cleaning, drawing, painting, personal volume. My fathers even walked into my room once and asked why I laugh out loud that I should stop it. That I shouldn't be so loud.

To many say it would be wiser to save money. But at what cost are you willing to give up for it? Happiness? Freedom to just be? Creativity? Those are exactly what it feels like I'm giving up. I try to build up this alter ego to deal with my dad. She's cold. Unresponsive a lot of the time because well - we're taught not to talk back. Then with that he says I'm stupid. Especially me cause I'm pretty sassy. I'm a bitch because I have to put up my defenses. I would have called it quits a long time ago -

Sent from my iPhone

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