Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy Boxing Days

Well let me sum up the last two days for you, On Friday, the boyfriend came to pick me up around late afternoon. He let me drive to Richmond and back to Vancouver. The store he wanted to go visit was closed. See, I've learned over the years to control my emotions - A cool cat in situations. It's not that I don't care, it's I don't see why I should waste energy through certain ways. One fills their life with drama because they may love the scattered emotional highs of different situations. Me, I learned scattered energy is not always the best thing. Focus on what you need to do and want to do the things you need to do. Don't focus on their problem, focus on yours. Be happy for others and wish them happiness. If you want the best for others, the best will be bestowed onto you. Smile at others and let them go on their merry way. Don't focus your mind on useless things.

Christmas present I got from the boyfriend was - Despicable Me Movie and Davidoff - Cool Water Perfume. Both things I wanted :) Nice. Not much but see me and the bf had celebrated 6 months not too long ago. We went to go eat at The Boat House, So Good!


The best food I've probably eaten ever. My Gift to Ry was a Poster of his car, on poster board and some copies on vinyl. His Christmas gift was a watch winder for his baller watch and 2 dragonball animated movie sets. I got a ps3 for anniversary and little big planet, some movies and games. Since the anniversary and Christmas is in the same month most of our things are all jumbled together. I didn't mind.

Christmas eve dinner was pretty awesome - His mom put together a plate for us and it was nice and something I didn't really expect. The knocking on his bedroom door and this plate of delicious food couldn't be turned away. Probably the highlight of this holiday was that. I guess I'm like a guy - if food is the way to my heart.


Christmas morning I woke up - we ate what was left over from the feast from last night - which I didn't mind. But since Ry had to work that night - I went to spend Christmas with my sister. However - her family fell sick with the stomach flu - I slept over - and then the next day I went home and found I caught the flu and had been fighting off for most of earlier this week.

I don't know what it is really. Perhaps the fact that I spent most of this holiday sick. really feels no different than last holiday. No - I feel a little bit more lonely this holiday. See - I had a date on new years eve last year - and I did spend last year with the family. But things just aren't the same. Maybe I'm just not used to it just yet. Even now when I'm with someone - sucks when on the holidays I get that feeling that - I'm not. I understand they are working. They have bills to pay. I'm just not used to it. I had hoped that this year's holidays from Halloween to ending of 2010 and starting of the new year would be awesome. But it hasn't been. I still feel I'm learning more to be independent. Like signs from God.

I wake up a bit upset this afternoon ( since I didn't wake up till 2-3pm. ( my schedules been thrown off wack since I got sick and parents got sick and all that ) I had a random dream with him in it. I had not dreamt of Trev in a long time. I guess I had thought my mentality had been kind to me - till now. Well he wasn't a big part of my dream. I saw him there, but it was in a car. I was on a motorcycle heading over to see Chris and John. I wake up and remember and the thought - almost all the places we once shared are now gone. God took them for a reason. No turning back.

2011 is to start soon. It's going to be heavy. More work, longer hours, more pay. More paintings too. I've been working on getting my website back up. It's been kind of stressing me out. It's late. Tomorrow is new years eve. I am feeling a bit sad. and I'm going to watch some movies now. G'nite.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Putting Up A Future

On Thursday I finished up the 6 canvas' and sprayed on the clear coat the seal them. Just in time for DJ to come and get me to go help me out and get them up. I wanted to keep it from the rest of the world where these are going up like a surprise. I had a strange feeling that I had to get these paintings done and up like some kind of recognition that this all is not in vain. That my life was not all in vain. I am living on a time limit. I only have so much time left to set up a series of events to alter and create the very thing that may define - ME. I finish the "Return To Me" series, only to imagine and start anew art series. One more beautiful in my minds eye and I can only pray that it physically manifests into something greater. I can only imagine and hope for a great art show at the end. When I was putting the finishing last strokes onto these paintings, I'll be honest, I was on the verge of tears. Thinking about how beautiful they were becoming, thinking - would they embody such emotions if I didn't go through what I needed to the last year and a half? Would it embrace urgency if I wasn't in the mind frame of - I'm dying? - I guess I simply started to believe that - painting was clearly the therapy that I needed all along. It is the clarity of the artwork that was not presenting itself to me - the heartaches fueled the emotional - Love cleared the mental blockage. Love from family, friends, and loved ones, love for myself. Through love I found the strength. See - I think that's the only thing that strangely keeps me sane - knowing that I'm loved regardless. I know someone loves me. Who am I to say who loves me? I have no position to. My family, Old love, New Love, Friends? I rarely feel in the sense of panic anymore, because I'm in the circle of safety. I clearly see who should stands beside me, who will hold me up to see me succeed, who doubts me, who clearly has a good enough heart and faith, and those that just don't deserve to be in my circle at all. My mind is just currently in the right - Mentally, Financially, Artistically. I have the strangest feeling that things are just falling into place.

Here's the series of "return to me" - all at once for you from canvas one all the way up to the final. I realized that some Canadian tire store logic - doesn't make sense. I had to walk into near the entrance of the car area side of the store to find Christmas cards. The Picture hanging frame stickers that I was looking for that I got in Toronto, only found one pack when I was looking for 4. And I had to go with double sided adhesive ones. I hope they stay up. It would be embarrassing if they did fall.




Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hello, beautiful mess

Hello, beautiful mess
For someone with 2 hours of sleep- I'm feeling pretty awesome.

Although not all things are working out as the day started to. It's okay cause they are going to get done. Things are on my list for a reason. Things happen for a reason. I watched two videos before my lunch and theses are. Do what you love and do it. Argue- but get it over and done with and make up your mind and just - leap.

The guys next door in the new office set up come and go. I see them looking in the window and one said hi to me as I walk back to my office from the washroom. I said hi back to be nice to the white guy in suits. - I love guys in suits.

I could go to a get together tonight but the parents made a request for me to be at home. I have the rest of the week off. What am I going to do? Work- personal stuff that is. Portfolio. Photos. Setting up more stuff on the comp. Posting videos up.

I had lunch today with people at work. The bosses - my boss and the other company we share the office with and the co workers and boss. We ate at Kirin and wow - so much food but so good! And it wasn't dim sum. Dessert was not a pass though. Not with this food lover. Sorry. Before when we were waiting to be seated, my boss tells asks me with a suggestion. Of coming in an hour earlier. So means I work 8-4. Those are rough hours. Which means I have to stick to the 5 am wake ups. Gods way of saying... This is what you need- ? I used to love the early wake up. I'm functioning on 2 hours of sleep and I feel awesome. But I guess cause there's the eating right and working out thing. I am happy. Perhaps this extra hour- and with the pay raise with the new year- is setting things into place. See- 4pm off work leaves me a lot of time. And if I start to synch my phone to work- a lot more things can probably get done faster. (maybe) why am I thinking of getting an iPad. Life sets up things up for you, when you set up what you want from life. And if you're wreckless with your life and not responsible for the longest time- god also has a way of smacking you in the face to set you in your place. Grow up - or wow your growing... Here this is the time for this... And new opportunities arise. Maybe it's that simple. I way he'd this video from my friends blog - the greathness mind. How we - if we want to accomplish anything we really want to- just produce and keep doing it. Learn, learn, learn. The ones that make things and succeed is because they dare to push the boundaries- they fight the lizard brain of- work, eat, sex... Repeat. I fight the lizard brain all the time! Cause I'm always designing something new to push the limit to create something different. There's the freedom and timidness when I create. How to I turn a shut site into something that will blow the clients mind. So much so it fucks them up. Lol- I don't me it messes them up. But that's how I think now. I'm going to create something that will fuck you up! Cause it's so awesome that it's that insanely good.

Although life can get messy. I cannot relinquish how beautiful it's becoming. I can't wait to share my artwork. :)

I think the world is ready for me.

2 hours of Sleep.

2 hours of Sleep.
But that's okay. I spent the night painting. While my Bf works, and everyone slept. I finished my six piece painting. I changed my original concept for pure pandas. I just couldn't get the girl to work to my full advantage so I think I'll save her for something else. I painted my pandas and then on my fifth panda I realized I wasn't recording! Sucks. But I guess life goes on . I wake up this morning with a little dreading cause of the little sleep I had but I showered put on perfume and my clothes since today is lunch !!! :) and I'm listening and singing to Bruno Mars as I walk to the bus stop and looked up at the beautiful sky. It wasn't vanilla but a bright white shining through the clouds. I have a biggest feeling of. Life's so good right now. I guess it's the knowing I have great friends. Creative, talented and supportive. My back hurts and I hurt my ankle on the bus. Basically I was stepping up on the back, the bus moved and my foot slipped and I banged my other ankle on the ledge of the step.
I'm hungry. Oh - I bought brown rice to eat and turns out my mom opened it to make congee with it. Interesting I did however got to replace the white rice last night for brown rice. Loved it.
Anyways I wonder what's next. I got to get the write ups from people. I have to take picks of my daily life. Send them in to VIA. I have to finish my website too.
Well I'm gonna put on makeup the rest of the trip to work on the skytrain.
I hope tonight goes well!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Feeling It

Feeling It
I'm feeling a lot of things at the moment. Back pain, bloating cause aunt flows preparing herself for some grand entrance.

I'm currently listening to Beyonce and she's just amazing! Wow.

Boyfriend was being very sweet yesterday till this morning. Well he's very sweet a lot of the time really. But as he held me as I was playing little big planet while he slept. It was - humbling - and to think of the things we have been through together in a short amount of time.

Many dejavu's are happening in a sequence of different subjects that I don't know if I should act on as I saw in my dreams or will things change? Because I'll change it. What happens if we believe we change our future as we see them. But then the alternate outcome has been foreseen as well.

I was on the verge of tears. Placing myself in the 'I'm dying' state of mind. I was starting to imagine my funeral. Who would come. From in and out of town. If any- at that too. And the unexpected ones. That you never thought would come to pay their respects. It's heart breaking and fascinating at the same time.

Works been harsh the last two days working through lunch, basically me shoving things into my mouth in hopes to finish everything on the list. I've pushed out 12 different tasks each day for a number of different clients. Maybe even more. My day ended today with a web design. Which I'll continue tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day! Lunch with one of the bosses we share offices with and my boss. Tomorrow's when I'm going to the art store with Dj then putting up the canvases . I don't know if I'll attend a buds dinner get together considering my back is killing me. Wait- I think the dinner is tomorrow. Wow priority calls.

I keep thinking of my Artshow. I wonder who would come. I dreamt of it once. Foreseen it. Till then I guess.

I'm seeing more paintings - visions that is. Things to be moving at a fast pace. No slowing down for those that are living with a time limit. I have to start working out more. My body feels like if I don't, it isn't strong enough to push through to all thing things I need it to. I need to take care of my heart again. Doesn't matter if I'm still as thin this whole year, if I'm to face the upcoming events in the next few months. There should be no laziness from anyone in my circle. Time ticks on. Some of us are living just to die. But I feel like I'm dying to live. To prove myself that I'm not a robot. I never feel like that though. Just a robot. I guess cause I love what I do. I get paid to design

Monday, December 20, 2010

Relapses Suck

Relapses Suck
For the longest time I was feeling so good. Tiny symptoms come back. I told SJ and advised I should work out and just keep at it.

Bf stayed over the weekend at my place. He arrived in the afternoon of the night before where I had finished the 6 piece panel background. We had dinner at a near by restaurant called the Chili pepper house. And then the next morning we went for dimsum and an attempt at Christmas shopping for his parents. But Ry likes to do his research before purchasing anything. I went looking for a jewelry rack cause mine is non existent since moving. And now I'm looking for a jewelry box or looking into building one. Ry thinks I should just buy one. But things out there just don't have enough to hold my collection of awesome earrings. I got my closet extension where it allows me to attach an other row below my existing hanging rod. So I have two tiers. At least I was somewhat. I video edited as the boyfriend slept. He sleeps a lot.

I'm a little annoyed this morning at translink. Ok- I misses two busses initially. That's my fault. Than I decide to walk up a few blocks to catch the adjacent bus. That one passes a minute earlier than it should by the stop. I was 30 seconds away. Then I return to my normal bus line. Ok I'm early for the next bus. I walk up a couple more blocks. I hit a stop at 8:15 and text the time to see at what time the next bus comes. The time says 8:29. I'm decide that is more than enough time to walk to the next stop. Then as I make my way to the next stop at 8:18 the bus passes by me. I was pissed!! What kind of bus system comes 10mins early? Wait they are not only early they are late and rarely on time. ( I think The bus systems should just be more often. Every 15 mins. ) I walk along the bus stopping road and I miss another adjacent bus. And then I just decide to walk to the bus station it took 30 mins. I'm really upset at the total amount of busses I missed today which is in turn gonna result in me being late for work. Oh well. I thought I would totally be on time today. But life just works in mysterious ways.

Anyways - there's another thing that is bothering me. I originally wanted to set up the website for my god brother and his church. But then some guy said clearly made it clear that- that maybe nice of me but my services are only designing. I relinquish that nice gesture and design the site and sliced it and sent it off to be coded into a full functioning site. And then as I completed this site and handed it over, my god brother returns to ask how to make the site design live. I told him a few ways and asked to ask their developer. He replies with a laugh and said - who might that be? - I'm sorry but if my talents and services are offered and I feel like I was offended by the clear gesture when a guy who was in the tone of 'putting me in my place.' I gave what was simply asked of me and then you come back for help - how am I supposed to feel? Sorry? Should I be willing to help- again?

I hope to finish my canvases this week.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Exporting

My thoughts are all over the place and the last thing I need from anyone is be-littlement from anybody. Especially hard when I feel it from the significant other.

I find myself looking in to Condenser Mics and audio recording equipment. Gadgets. I got to figure out how I can set up some things on the new comp. Such as my camcorder. Considering it can be used as a webcam for pc's. My design programs aren't working. So I'm trouble shooting at the time. My macbook's filled with files I have to convert. I still have to produce the music for the next two songs to push out as youtube videos. I need to clear the space on the comp in order to film the remaining last two - three videos.

What's in store for tomorrow, I really don't know.
I need to build my jewelery rack / holder.
Put up the christmas tree.
set up the guestroom. move some book selves. ( That's if I can )
Move out some of the renovation tools into the storage room.

There's nothing more than that. It's going to be interesting tomorrow.

I'll be honest, I'm feeling a bit upset at the moment. There's really no helping it. I'm going to make a list of what I really want before I die. And how I go about accomplishing them before I do.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Death Date

Death Date
No, this isn't about suicide - but it is about death. Me and my bud last night made a plan. As one of D_Meths projects is coming to an end. Mine will begin with a directed painting every week. My question is how I use everyone In the crew to an advantage. By the end of these 15 weeks and we switch back to the producing music thing. I suggested we look at our final date that was want to accomplish it all by is mid April. Instead of looking at this as a due date. We need to look at it like it's our death date. That - that's when the doctor told you- you were dying. So everyday till then your life is going to majorly change. No- there is no treatment, your cancer is in it's final stages so treatment won't help. So what would you do? You re-align your goals. Tell the ones you love you love them and let go of any grudges and and you start to love differently. spend time with people more. You think about- who should you tell- who you need to tell- who shouldn't really need to know. How do you break it to family? Friends? - do you email them? Facebook it? Call them? To tell them you're terminal- or let some people live their happy lives because it will be that much easier. Have you left enough of a mark that when it's your time you've touched more than just your family, or a handful of people. These thoughts were with me last year when I got sick. Showing almost all the signs of a certain cancer- only one or two not being prominent. Symptoms that drain you. Of your energy, feeling pains everyday, the coming and going of other symptoms. All these experiences have changed me- how I do things. How I love, who I love, and the choices I make. I told my friend as we sat there that when you feel like you're dying and all signs point to the fact that you just maybe- everything in you changes. The person everyone thinks that knows you a year ago, Won't know you after this. It bears on your soul, heart, and mind. You start to wonder what you have accomplished and what you still need to. You enjoy your days- you find little things more beautiful. You say thank you more. You connect more. You try to find more time. You may sleep less. Start your days earlier. You surround yourself with different people. You take different chances, risks, because - let's face it- you're dying anyways. You tell those you always wanted to tell that you love them. Because who doesn't want to know they are loved. You let go - and you find out what you seem to hold onto.

You want to make your legacy- I started mine a little over year ago. My mind was fully in that state that - I'm dying. My friend leans forward to tell me that if anyone tries to ever write a biography about him that I need to stop them. Cause not even one person can do that. I lean forward in my seat and said- why do you think I started blogging? This is my personal diary- to journal the days of my life - or a year ago- the remaining days of it. No one else is telling my story but me. From my heart, and mind and hands. That's the reason I encouraged him to start a blog. It's not really about who's reading this. Is the fact you are expressing yourself, telling your truth. How others interpret your life is something you can't control. But you can in your time try to show your true self as much as possible. Do as much as possible to leave something for more than your name- but something that says your worth. You die tomorrow and what have you left behind? Don't spend all your money- or build a debt or that's all that you would be leaving. I said to him that is exactly what I'm now trying to work out- my worth. Because I have no idea what I am worth to people or the world. Those paintings in my sisters collection can start at the selling cost of 800$ - when I become more notified- that 800 can turn into 8000, to 80,000 to 800,000 to 8million dollars. I - in my lifetime may never discover the worth of me. Just how much I am valued at. But who's to say when I'm dead. Who's to say 5 years from now. I can't but I can say in the next few 15 weeks. I'm going to continue and live stronger - just cause I know I'm dying. It may not be in April. But I know what I want.

I need to complete my 6 canvas series.
I need to finish my online portfolio.
Re-build my print portfolio.
Create a painting a week.
Continue YouTube
Continue blogging.
These are my projects.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The days begin

The days begin
It's somewhat of a beautiful morning. Spent two days with the bf and had one of the best dinners I've ever had for our anniversary dinner. The bf took me to the boathouse. It was so good! I love good food and theirs was just fantastic! They even gave us complement dessert to celebrate the anniversary! I was so full already but some how found room for this delicious delight! The food was so good I was on the brink if shedding tears! As I sat there and ate I realized I enjoyed the - dressing up and going somewhere nice to eat. And I thought if that was what was missing before. Enjoying ourselves and great food. Bf says it's too bad that I was never really taken out to enjoy such things - it is unfortunate but he took the initiative to do it which is nice. Bf got me a ps3 for anniversary and I got him a few copies of his car printed on poster board and some on vinyl. A picture that was taken for the upcoming feature thats going to be in a car magazine. We should really clear room for it to put it up. He picked his favorite out of it, which was my favorite too. Bf got me an extra controller that came with little big planet which got me smiling. I had hope to be able to play the game again since the second one is coming out, but it was a game I enjoyed playing and had to give it up during the split.

I have a meeting tonight - which after I hope to paint. But I have to clear my computer again - My laptop fills easily with every video that's filmed for the time lapses. I'm on my last two canvases and I'm a bit nervous finishing it. I hope to have the piece up Before Christmas if that's possible.
I had to re-install the programs on my Pc. I don't think it installed right so I might have to do it again tonight.
I'm getting a bit upset that it's just not working.

I have to prep for a bit of upcoming stuff. It's time to let myself daydream

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Skytrain Delights 1

Skytrain Delights 1
I love vanilla mornings and the day is just beginning. I'm dressed up with flats and the heels are in my bag. Lugging my bf's present around. I hope he likes it. My stomach is starting to hurt again. I guess I've been in the green so much now a days when sick days come I'm blah... Either that or I'm getting my period. But that ended not too long ago. I really don't know why I'm calling this skytrain delights.
Yesterday I came up with a thought- what happens if we dream our dreams ( the ones we feel are so real ) . We remember for a moment after I waking and they fade. What happens if that fading is only a stage of it manifesting into reality. That the fade is a process it must undergo for it to happen.
I had a dream once I woke up from my bed with my husband cooking pancakes for the kids. I used to remember their faces so clearly - but I'll be honest to say it's fading. I remember almost everything but their faces and I wonder it's because I'm meant to forget as that future is now manifesting into reality? And then there's a part of me that wonders. Maybe I'm forgetting them because I'm letting go of the idea that I'll ever get married or have babies. I hope that's not the case. I'd love to actually see my babies one day.
I've been having a lot of Dejavu's lately. One instance was with my new monitor as I was pulling it out of the box. Another instance was when I... I forget. But I remember saying dejavu about three times in this month alone.
Maybe dreams are meant to be forgotten, the moments that that are yet to be our reality. The ones we remember change our lives and life goals. The nightmares- let them remain nightmares.
I was asked to get a blurb about myself. Maybe ask someone who knows and loves me. Then I hit a brick wall. I start to really wonder. Who do I know well enough that knows me and my art to write about me. Who really knows and loves me? My sister? my boyfriend? Friends in my creative family? And then that doubt sets in from previous experience this week to question if I am loved. of course I am. But one always wonders. Who do I ask? All? Or just one person?
I wonder if and when you really want something- Is it that easy to just ask for it? Just ask how. People will be intrigued that you're striving to and help. People aren't one to watch someone reach success, but they don't mind helping them get there. Being a part of someone elses' goal.
I've ignored mine for long enough.





Monday, December 13, 2010

Happy 6 Months

Happy 6 Months
I'm writing this to remind myself that Good moments should be better than one sliver of doubt. The understatement of where my heart lies is not your choice but mine. Your doubts are not mine.

I love ...
His eyes when they meet mine. How he holds the door open for me. How he reaches his hand over the dinner table as we wait for our food. How he holds my hand when he drives. - How he holds my hand anytime. The little sigh he makes when I hug him, when he makes it clear he'd like a hug. How cute his feet are. How much more social he is than me. When he let's out funny noises Randomly. How he sings commercial radio songs out loud. How he picks me up with ease. When he tells me little facts. When I don't know something I'll ask him, and he'd answer intelligently. The memories we have already made.

I can't believe it's been 6 months already.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Is it Strange?

Is it Strange?

Is it strange that I love taking transit sometimes? The sight and sounds. Smell not so much. The grind of the track, the shakes and sways.

I was watching this show once with the millionaire matchmaker. She said- if they don't say I love you in the first six months, consider moving on. I wonder if this is true. That one should. Then I question- do I have too much love that it just doesn't add up sometimes. Should I stop. I don't know if I'm in the good or the bad. Like the day, the feeling, that breathlessness won't come anymore. I'm I wanting more than just the norm. I don't do default. Boyfriend said I'm high maintenance. Is this true? Maybe I'm asking too much from him? Am I giving too little. I didn't tell him that kinda hurt me. I tend to believe I don't ask for much. I don't complain when it's not needed. Maybe the perception of myself is not as fantastic. He kind of complains more than I do. Things I know he knows that he shouldn't really be complaining about. Now I wonder do I hold back for asking anything ? Ignore this statement? I'll most likely let it go.

Is it strange that I want to forget and start over again. That's I once believed I loved someone. Is it strange that I fell in love with more than one person? Would it be strange if I didn't tell them anymore that I miss them- not just them- anyone? Is it strange that my heart says I love you. And my voice no longer wants to speak it cause they never say a word? And then it slips my lips- and I get nothing in return. I always doubt 'us'. I never want to doubt - ever - not with love again.
I doubted when i saw no effort. I doubted when I ate with him. I doubted when I was in that city. I doubted when he squeezed me in his arms. I doubted when I was on that beach. I doubted when he said wanted nothing more. I doubted when my lips met his. - so much doubts with them. But they are not you. Is it strange if I wonder - if they doubt about me and them? - time passes and I wonder for a moment if they realize that they had fallen in love with me after the fact of their doubts - silently they keep that to themselves. They look in time to time on me- and not say a word. Even I will never know of their love for me. They miss me- and I will never know- and in turn I will never tell them - that I miss them too.

But my love returns to me. My words escape my heart and I draw them back. Unforgotten of heartache and breaks. I throw away doubt when they arrive like junk mail. I strive for success as I'm surrounded in failure. I want to be a power couple with the person I love. I want my children to know that their parents have strived for extra in what life has presented them in their lives. That nothing is impossible. I want to lead my kids by example. Not just push the pressure to be successful on them. I don't ever want my kids to cut my dreams short, or they will feel it. But they will know that they were one of my life goals. That they were wanted. I have my own goals. I want them to pursue happiness, because so many have failed in the pursuit of happiness as they chased the numbers and riches. Money is good- but happiness is better. Any monkey can make money- making it and loving what you do - is smarter than the average man who chases the trail just to pay the bills. Everyone has bills. Money will always be made and lost. What you feel during that time is time you will never get back. I rather lose my time to happiness.

I'll never forget that I loved you. It was time well spent. There should be no doubts now.



Friday, December 10, 2010

The Pain

The Pain
Well the summary of my weekend. Friday-after work, I met up with DJ who fed me. He bought a whole bunch of food from T&T and it was fantastic. After than I Then that night rolling over to Saturday - I worked on restoring one of my clients site that was hacked. It was so rough, structure re-building is rough! Then later on that night I wanted to end it painting but I didn't have enough gigs on my computer- two series of painting the 6 piece footage took up a lot of space. I had to clear it, move it, or publish and delete some stuff. I also had to create the beat for the footage. Which I ended up passing out doing. Sunday- I went out to have breakfast with my friend Ben. I hadn't seen him forever and it felt nice to sit and talk to him and find out about his crazy girlfriend. I've been hearing stories about crazy girls. On Facebook my friends have been also posting vids about how individuals feed the poorest of the poor. Even when they don't have income coming in - that's their job. Awesome people around the world to do this. Then I come to think how can you create something that will generate good food to people ratio. A farm? Sponsorship? Later that day on Sunday I went to go see my sister and baby Ethan. He danced with me again, and I was playing a dancing game. He seemed to like fatboy slim songs and beastie boys. He also bit me pretty hard. Love bites- I do it too. I am trying to see if he could get up on his own, I reach out my hand to him just a bit out of reach so he reaches out to me as well. He yells at me with a little AHHHHH! To tell me he's frustrated with me being so far as for me to come closer. He's walking so much now, it's amazing to watch him. Communicate and walk. How he calls out to mom and dad. - I go home to paint and film my third canvas.

Monday - I went to work, and after wards the boyfriend picked me up and we went to go pick up my monitor. I was talked out of getting anymore till boxing day.

I spent time with the bf a lot this week. Just till yesterday. Well I guess I've seen him this whole days off. I worked, watched movies, got my programs.

Tuesday I don't remember what I did really. Did I work? I know I finished DJ's set of sketches in the Wednesday. I was downloading and trying to figure our the system for my site for my portfolio. Nothings really working.

Yesterday I got into work early- worked and got off early. Boyfriend picked me up. We went back to his place and he slept for a bit as I watched movies and tried to figure out my website. That evening he drove me home. I did a bit of laundry as I painted the washroom, and a work tabletop. As I was painting it I was thinking what I could add that made the edge seamless. I'm putting the downstairs together and I hope the efforts won't go to waste. I have no idea where to put all my brother's stuff that's everywhere. Random places - mom seems to be going through stuff here and there. Her hoarding picking up again but it really isn't something for me to stress about. I'm thinking about how to set up the computer table. I'm thinking how to sand the cabinets downstairs and paint it. Dad wants to keep the wood but the birds have damaged the cabinets and I can't seem to convince him for me to change it. I brought home my monitor yesterday and he can't believe I'm buying more stuff. I think he should ask before saying anything. I don't say anything to him out of respect when he brings stupid things home. I chatted on Facebook after I finished painting the table top with cousin Bruce. I should go visit the babies and Michelle soon. After that I went to my room to research more on my site. And developing it. I haven't had many meetings this week. I wonder what the rest of the crew is up to. I sing a bit before going to sleep. Practicing . Always.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Return

Return
I wonder sometimes is it worth it. It's hard now to be in a relationship and keep my head up to believe we are going to be just fine- I'm jaded - I really don't know what to believe anymore. I'm starting to believe the train wreck break up fucked up my perceptions. It re-aligned my goals but in the process - suspended my emotions and self worth. My emotions are so scattered now- yet I know that I should pull them together to do my art. It's the only way. Or I'd really mentally lose myself. Strange yesterday when I heard some news about the ex's baby being due in January - I'll be honest to say I did feel sad. It's that thought again that I just didn't have what it takes with him. Then I start to doubt that even have what it takes at all. That - that happiness won't come for me - ever. I then wake up to remind myself- I should never think I'm not worthy of anything. Cause it's not true. I re-evaluate the great guy I'm with- who's done so much to support and help me in a span of close to six months - he makes me smile every time I'm with him. Gives me the shivers that I thought last year was impossible to ever feel them again. - I re-evaluate where I am socially - and I'm seeing more friends in a week now - my goal was once a week ( petty loner ) and has expanded to seeing 3 different friends a week. I'm not used to this just yet- but it is draining sometimes. I'm still coping. I'm juggling that and starting to really invest in myself more and more. And doing random jobs. I need to re-focus. And strange how when I was painting last night and I felt it was then my mind doesn't wonder that much. It is then I'm in the moment thinking of the next mix of colors, the right positioning. Envisioning the six piece as a whole, and separate entities. I spent around 5 hours painting last night - filming it too of course. That was all I thought about. And when my brain started to wander it was quick to return to the art that I'm doing. My friend saved me yesterday without knowing - saving my emotions from bobbing out onto unknown territory. All he texted me was - "you the bestest." - it was all I needed.

I really wish there was a memory removal thing - because it would make so many people get over and forget so many things and save their emotions and time. Yes it would be a time saver.

Let's just say this- there is no point looking back- because when you do - you're not going anywhere- you're stationary. You're not progressing and you cannot go back. Don't look back - life's too shot to stay still. I'm trying my best- to move forward. As I'm doing so- I am painting, singing, dancing, producing, laughing, loving my way there and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes it's blogs like this that bring me back. There is no time like right now. Because - I'm beautiful, talented, smart. In all honesty ... Have all those who have crossed paths with me - met someone like me? I really hope not- or I'd have some tough competition.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Blank

Blank
Anyways I don't have much to blog about. Had one of the best sleeps I've had this week. By myself that is. I had a meeting yesterday with SJ and went home after- worked out - downloaded some stuff for the computer which ended up short circuiting my whole basement when I turned it on. Then again I had the heaters going. I realized I have to move my computer to be closer to my art area for when I film my art time lapses. It would be ideal to Keep it as is but sometimes life says pick. I passed out researching more layouts on how my new portfolio should look like. I think I have one but uncertain and looking for more. Is it that difficult to look for already made templates I can just custom alter. If I could write the code for a total custom design I would but I need it to function flawlessly. Right now it's like I have no resume to go with what it is I do. I have a rough idea of how I want my print portfolio to be. I just have to look for my hardware now. I have to put away another 200-300 to get the new portfolio printed.

Yesterday was the first time ever I worried in a long time when I purchased my bus pass that I didn't have enough money in the account- well just that account since I only keep up to 200$ in my cheaquing account. But I was safe cause I had transferred money earlier last month.

I'm just not into blogging today maybe later. I hope tongi home tonight and just paint. Flush out a vision.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Feels like Forever

Feels like Forever
Since I blogged that is. The days seem shorter now. Meetings at the beginning of the week and I feel like I don't want to see anyone anymore for a while. Considering I used to be a major loner. Really. I'm still grasping around the fact that I'm juggling all this. I don't even have kids yet or my own place. Ohh I should put on make up.
Crap I don't have a mirror. I'm now thinking I should be more organized in my room. So earring holder and bracelet holder and necklace holder. A part of me is ready to pack up the vinyls and KH models but they are still too awesome to me to let them just sit in a box. I have a lot of cleaning to do. Around my work area.

Monday I had a meeting with Chris and a few of his friends. And John was there and some familiar faces but it was more a friend hanging out event but business was involved. Yesterday I had a meeting with a friend of a friend that work for primeamerica. Their retirement plan thing looks a bit - good Hahha. Mind debates. I thought I was meeting someone who needed a logo or something. What a bit of a waste. I have a meeting later on tonight. I am going to be honest to say I have no idea how people do the networking thing and all that jazz. I get exhausted. I guess cause I'm the kind that gives a lot of energy off when meeting someone. A lot of focus has to be there or I just walk away. Like yesterday when I was at memory express. Boyfriend was talking to them about my monitor and I just didn't feel like sticking about. I wanted to look at stuff. I picked up my new comp, yet I'm not feeling that satisfaction I thought I would. Is it cause I don't have the monitors? My keyboard and mouse. I want the other comp to be functional- considering I have files on there and design programs. Now I have to look into getting new programs and such for the new comp. And me being me. A little hesitant about downloading stuff to this new beast. I really can't afford have anything crap out on me.

Boyfriend was awesome yesterday. Dropping me off at work, picking me up at lunch to go pick up my artwork from the show that just ended. We had lunch together and after my meeting he picked me up to go get my comp in Richmond. When we got back home, he helped me set it up. I don't know if any one guy has done so much for me in one day really. Is that sad to say?

I feel like moving out but the funds aren't there at the moment. The parents want to let go and hang on at the same time. And I'm sure they know its a matter of time.

Im thinking now of how and where the comp should be set up. My original plans are scrapped due to the fact my new beast is bigger than the usual CPU towers.

I'm thinking too much. Need to learn to shut off.

The guy at work looks at me strangely when I come in. Like he wants to ask why I am late at times. Give me a break. My travel times an hour.

My sister gave me an awesome idea for a sign to put up at work where it says reception with an arrow, but it points nowhere. Which is hilarious.

I keep thinking about some people lately i shouldn't be. My times wasted on thoughts of those that simply felt like they left me behind - or did I just move on pass them. Wish there was a memory forgetting machine. Well someone can hit me really hard - but that's not even a win win situation. I wish goodbye was that simple - with just a word.