Friday, December 03, 2010


I wonder sometimes is it worth it. It's hard now to be in a relationship and keep my head up to believe we are going to be just fine- I'm jaded - I really don't know what to believe anymore. I'm starting to believe the train wreck break up fucked up my perceptions. It re-aligned my goals but in the process - suspended my emotions and self worth. My emotions are so scattered now- yet I know that I should pull them together to do my art. It's the only way. Or I'd really mentally lose myself. Strange yesterday when I heard some news about the ex's baby being due in January - I'll be honest to say I did feel sad. It's that thought again that I just didn't have what it takes with him. Then I start to doubt that even have what it takes at all. That - that happiness won't come for me - ever. I then wake up to remind myself- I should never think I'm not worthy of anything. Cause it's not true. I re-evaluate the great guy I'm with- who's done so much to support and help me in a span of close to six months - he makes me smile every time I'm with him. Gives me the shivers that I thought last year was impossible to ever feel them again. - I re-evaluate where I am socially - and I'm seeing more friends in a week now - my goal was once a week ( petty loner ) and has expanded to seeing 3 different friends a week. I'm not used to this just yet- but it is draining sometimes. I'm still coping. I'm juggling that and starting to really invest in myself more and more. And doing random jobs. I need to re-focus. And strange how when I was painting last night and I felt it was then my mind doesn't wonder that much. It is then I'm in the moment thinking of the next mix of colors, the right positioning. Envisioning the six piece as a whole, and separate entities. I spent around 5 hours painting last night - filming it too of course. That was all I thought about. And when my brain started to wander it was quick to return to the art that I'm doing. My friend saved me yesterday without knowing - saving my emotions from bobbing out onto unknown territory. All he texted me was - "you the bestest." - it was all I needed.

I really wish there was a memory removal thing - because it would make so many people get over and forget so many things and save their emotions and time. Yes it would be a time saver.

Let's just say this- there is no point looking back- because when you do - you're not going anywhere- you're stationary. You're not progressing and you cannot go back. Don't look back - life's too shot to stay still. I'm trying my best- to move forward. As I'm doing so- I am painting, singing, dancing, producing, laughing, loving my way there and I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes it's blogs like this that bring me back. There is no time like right now. Because - I'm beautiful, talented, smart. In all honesty ... Have all those who have crossed paths with me - met someone like me? I really hope not- or I'd have some tough competition.

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