Behind SyloArts

I don't know what it is about today, how I feel so down. I miss him ... like my heart is breaking. You're so foolish for feeling so... For being so ... innocent. To have possibly fallen for him, to have become so comfortable. That's the thing, I've never had that ever happen where it's just ... so comfortable. Stop thinking of him ... Stop missing him. Cause he may not be missing you or thinking of you... So lets just stop, okay heart? ... It's nice to know you're still here Love ... it's nice to know you're still with me. :)

*ROAR* I don't know if I can do this. *EERRRR* *annoyed* but I'm going to. A true test of the heart. To contact those who in some way have affected my heart through out the years. Some more than others, some I haven't spoken to for ten years. X-boyfriends can become one of two things. Strangers or Great Friends. I only have two of my ex-boyfriends are Great Friends with me now, the rest just seems to fall off. A part of me doesn't really care for keeping in touch with them. But I also believe that if I chose to have relationship with these guys there was something about them that I loved. The first two boyfriends I ever had were the ones I keep in touch with. But I have to try to see how they are now. That I am who I am today because partly due to the love and heartache I received from all of them. The choices of the man I want to be with strongly comes from the experiences I had with the ones before him. All the great qualities I want now stems from what they either po...

I keep waking up sad. My heart has to stop wanting something it clearly isn't ready for, always wanting cause it's used to it. But the truth is. Nothing felt as right as when he would say, "come" and wrap his arms around me. *sigh* Till then... I will keep looking forward. Ever moving forward. Hoping, wanting to love again.

There are so many out there that don't take the time to listen. I'm not talking about listening to others. I mean listening to themselves. To their hearts, goals, desires and problems. I'm currently in the state of well being of rebuilding myself in a lot of ways. My heart especially. The dating world was a difficult one for me. The relationship world was even more scaring on my heart. My relationships never ended that well in the past. It seemed like a never ending cycle of when a boy would break my heart, then I end up breaking another boys heart. But the ones I choose to end things with were always due to the change of heart of it knowing that that boy wasn't the one. The others however were either they broke up with me or they cheated on me, or broke my heart in some way. I must say they did all leave me with one thing. Disappointment. With disappointment I lost faith in love. The kind of love that would leave me madly in love. Where someone proposes to me, where w...

September the 29th (Ognamus) Libra The day of the Charged Reactor - "Those born on September 29 fight an ongoing battle to maintain stability in their lives. At times they can feel that they are masters of the universe and at other moments not worthwhile at all. Such swings in their mood and self-image are most often due to an underlying lack of self-confidence. Many born on this day gravitate toward family situations where they can find stability for a period of time, but eventually move on, sometimes to a more isolated existence. September 29 people are generally highly attractive and capable. Yet wherever they go, whatever they do, uncertainty and instability swirl around them. (They may, for example, have great difficulty staying with either the right career or partner for long.) Often they are like the eye of a hurricane, which although itself is calm, is surrounded by violence and turmoil. Though September 29 people can appear dispassionate to the world, they nonetheless...

It's good when you just played roller hockey for the first time in a long time and wake up the next day not sore or aching. Fitness Success! Cleaning up what I need to clean. Re-Organizing and taking care of me. I may purge so much more again to get rid of what I don't need to what it is I really do.

Well today has been a turning point in my life. I feel that today is one of those days of revelation, of turning a new leaf. The realization of oneself sometimes leads to the greatest self improvements. I was SO down this morning, it felt I was losing myself again. I was at the tip of the edge where your heart feels like breaking, but it's just your emotions playing with you. But then when I went to work, I was thinking, what is it that I really need? I sucked it up and smiled and went to go get breakfast at Jugo Juice and visit the Jugo Juice guy. He says he's tired even with nine hours of sleep. I said I only had around four and I'm feeling a bit alright. But I'm a bit of a weird one when it comes to sleeping habits. I feel emotions up and down through out the day until I chat with some friends online. How one of them is pushing me to go see the doctor again if I keep feeling sick now and then, and this time I should tell him everything. Cause the truth of the mat...

I really didn't think I'd feel like this. I guess I do like him more than I thought. He's grown on me in such a short amount of time. But it takes two and the want when it comes to a relationship of any kind. I feel the emotions but my mind just doesn't know why it gives my heart no reasons.

I don't really know how to really feel about all of it still. To suddenly have someone you care for in your life then have them just ( still there but...) gone. It throws me out of wack. NOT total wack! but more confused wack. ( using wack in the urban way ) . Confused about why I feel this way. I'm really not upset upset about the whole thing. I ask people what this means. If I'm not emotional about it really. I'm emotional about other aspects of it but not the whole circumstances of the event. They tell me, that only means that I wanted it too. Which is true. This is just another little downfall, but not the downfall of my life. For me, who is striving for the measures of greatness in success, you learn to really just suck it up quickly and move on because dwelling only causes one thing. What I'd like to currently make up as Stationary Advancement. Which means you don't progress anywhere. You THINK you are but you're not as a person, your thoughts may be t...

I felt the cold chill creep onto my skin as he asks to talk. We all know what that means. "To Talk" . I knew what was coming like all things. I read people more than anything to what they really have to say. Things are never the same after this talk. You discover more about your true self and what it is you're really looking for. When it comes to relationships, I've sadly come to a conclusion of not expecting. I have standards when getting into a relationship. Expectations are low. Why? I'd be less disappointed when the outcome isn't that great. But how am I supposed to feel. The pace was too quick for the both of us. What I've learned. I love love, but expect nothing from it. ( sad really when I think about it. ) I can love on many levels. Saying it with meaning will never be the same. I'll only say it when I really mean it now. ( I have yet to say this to anyone for a while. I'm still waiting for the right moment to the right person. I really ...

This video has been in the works of being edited for about a month! The full videos turned out to be 17gigs big. HUGE I tell you. It kept crashing my programs and causing them to lag. I had to upgrade my comp to pull it out and the software as well. The original filming time was 3 hours+ cut down to 6 and a half minutes. I had to learn how to make my own music with garage band, I had to mix it myself to be able to have music in this video so I can put it out on time. But here is the painting water 2 . On black.

I was in a bit of a small panic this morning when I found out I hadn't been in contact with my boss all weekend to know if I'd be working or not today. I did however got the chance to text him only right when my phone died. So he couldn't respond to me! I thought I'll text him from Darren's phone, only to realize I didn't know my bosses cell phone number off by heart! I had good visual memory but not photographic! So I rushed to the laptop and sent him an email. ( which I know he gets on his phone ) I waited ten minutes then said.. F-it I'm going into work and emailed him again saying I'm going in. I travel for more than an hour to work without music. With Nothing. I read the paper. I went to work wearing a dress. :) I actually like wearing dresses cause well cause makes me feel pretty. On the way to work I stopped by staples and got a charger for my phone so I wouldn't be uncommunicative to the rest of the world for the rest of the day.  I go to wor...

I awoke this morning with a sore body. I had the strangest dream of killing monsters. My dream started strangely where I was surrounded by strangers and people that knew me and loved me. Though I didn't know them. I was with a mayor of some town that I lived in. There were problems that have been sprouting around town and it seems as though many of them had come to me with them. Some people had the notion that I was a spoiled girl, coming back from a long absent trip. I wasn't. Not here. I lived in a wooden exterior apartment that was on top of a rundown little shop that I'd open when I was in town. I don't know what it is I sold there, all I know was I owned it. People were following me from my reunion with the town mayor back to my apartment. All I can remember was someone's notion of what and who I was when I responded back to them as I was walking up the wooden side stairs up to my apartment. "YES, I do live here." I entered the house. I don't rem...

Well I finally posted up a new video. Edited with my new program today. Filmed today. :) Now I'm watching the Canucks game and trying to type at the same time. :p I've also updated the trip blog with pictures of when I went to Bamfield. And during the Olympics I did go see the cauldron and the rings. Bamfield Trip | Goals Updated

Today was full of visiting stores all around town. From Vancouver to Coquitlam.  After a breakfast of grilled cheese sandwiches and soup. I traveled down to Voltage Land introducing Darren to the wonderful world of vinyl toys. I was on a mission again looking for the color Mr. TTT and to no avail was I able to find one for baby Ethan. But I did see something and got a set of Vancouver 2010 vinyl toys of the mascots for my sister. I finally got myself a Teddy Trooper since the first one I got in the blind box was not a bear but a skull. Darren seems to like to accessorize the Teddy Trooper with some of his fishing gear as I now take snap shots of it. I got a new series named Yoka ( hoping to have snagged a panda one ) but with no luck I got a weird design of a cross dressing bear. I got a small zipper pull of gloomy bear. Surprisingly I got a the secret one from the blind box. After hitting up the vinyl toy store we visited this small shop that sells Pork & Beef Jerky, some of ...

finally since the beginning of God knows when, It's my first day off after months of endless working. I'll try to do the following soon. Put up a new video. Put up pictures from my trip to the island. Put up more pics in my blogs. Blog more ( just for memory sake ). Be organized in my files on my comp. Keep my comp clean. Up to speed. Update my comp PERIOD. Paint. Clean . Be happy. Time to rest a bit as I wonder and make a list of things that need to get done for the time being :)

I'm down and in a place right now where I feel as though I'm a bit empty. My dreams feel like they are a bit on hold when they should never be. I should always be striving in the sense. Reaching for my goals. Everyone should be. By the end of this spring I would like to have 3 oriental paintings completed. Ready for any upcoming art shows. I haven't been getting any news letters about art shows lately. I wonder why. I should sign up for some email updates and stuff for galleries around the city. I have a personal debate right now. Should I go get driving school lessons... or bike school lessons. Should I save up to get a scooter or save up even more to move out. Can I bump my 25 grand in my savings in 5 years "plan" to 3 years? or even 2.5? So many little things have gone wrong this week. That I'm personally trying to overcome and not let these little things get me down. Like my package for my RAM upgrade not coming on time, or the extra expense I ha...

I didn't know why I was feeling a bit down lately. Especially around this time of year. March used to be the month of happiness cause it Used to be the anniversary month. I'm getting my dates mixed up. And right now, I just don't want to go to work. At all. The 11th of this month is the Birthday of one of my friends and my art teacher. Sadly however is the fact that they have both passed away. One in '99 ( my teacher ) and one in '08 ( my friend ). Both fabulous females passed away to illnesses. Sad really, the fact that the last time I saw them alive was when they were in icu's. My friend passed on the 15th just a few days after her birthday. The 18th of this month would have been 9 years if I were still with the X. But this month is spring. I should be happy, I should be thinking of new life. I'm working hard to get my computer up to speed. To get everything ready for what I feel is about to come. More work. More rewards. More ( crossing fingers ) happin...

Within this next week I'll be upgrading my computer, or at least trying to re-organize my life a little more ( Technology wise ). I dub this journal entry relapse. I'm starting to feel sick again. It started at the sisters place as I stayed over the weekend. I realized when I'm over there my intake of carbs are higher. It was great to spend time with my baby nephew as he sleeps upon your chest and curdles into turtle position. I have nicknamed him turtle. ( little turtle ). He likes to be held a lot, and very strong for a 2 month old. already able to push up on his little legs on his own. He seems like he's so frustrated most of the time. Just upset he can't communicate what it is he's trying to say. Work was stressful. Being on my own in the office means I have to be on my toes, check both comps for emails and incoming work and clients.The phone kept ringing today, yet no one but an automated voice plays back at me. I wonder, when did automated dialer become ...

Well I went out and bought a couple things for my mac. The Snow Leopard upgrade and more importantly ilife'09 to I can edit my videos faster and better. I feel so behind in my videos for youtube that my purpose has been slipping. I also bought ram to upgrade my comp but after researching, I figured I'm going to return the 1Gig since I need 2 and I just bought one. I'm going to go return the 1Gig and get 2,2Gigs so I ramp up my comp from 1gig to 4 gigs of ram. I'm currently deleted unwanted files. moving them off to my external hard drive. but I think I accidentally deleted a file I really need. Now I'm scanning my comp with a recovery program. Which I probably will have to purchase. To recover this file. I feel like I need to learn how to hack or something. So I don't need this programs to do it. I was so upset when I found out about the missing file that I almost cried. This file is one that I record all my spending and income on so when it comes to incom...

I seemed to have fell asleep and did some more editing and I'm going back to sleep for another half an hour to an hour. But I've been attentively trying to edit this three hour art video that I have down. This is so dumb, the program not only keeps crashing on me but it's lags! So I've decided I will just go and buy the new programs for my comp. I'll be dropping 2-3 hundred dollars but if I'm going to keep making videos and what not, it's just something I have to do. And I guess while I am at it, I'm going to look into getting more ram for my comp. Running on one gig is just not cutting it. Really this is what has been eating up SO much of my time lately is editing. Well no more. I'm going to try to get back into the flow of things as the rush from work is now over! A whole month of non-stop working has over loaded me to not have any more inspiration. But I listen to a song that my other company sent to me and I feel... so refreshed. That's wha...