Behind SyloArts

Happy Halloween Yesterday was a long day for me, like every other day now a days. I did a lot to push forward in what I need to be doing. I'm strongly now thinking of moving into the guest room. However when I do that, my mom will for sure fill up my current room with stuff. My mom is a hoarder if I never mentioned before. The room is smaller but its closer to my work space. Sacrifice? Gains? I really need to fully Submerge myself in what I need to do to get where I need to be. My brother is fighting me on the basement. His domain. For a guy who moved to Australia and applied for permanent residency - who has a condo he's thinking of moving back into when he returns. Does it make a whole lot of sense for him to occupy a whole level - when and if he returns - will he be jobless?. He does trades - stock exchange stuff. Really? Brother? What are you building that is currently equal or more to what I am currently building. I think my biggest upset with my family is that - It'...

I'm drifting off the sleep as I write this. A bit of a mix of emotions. My website was hacked . twice. I was not too upset, but I guess I just don't get the hacking thing. Hack banks and what not. I'm not even popular. Right after the hack mishap I started to think what I wanted the new site to preform on. I am now thinking of a new site design. I uploaded the program to run my site on friday night. Did my skeleton this morning. So basically the site is now mapped out. I spent most of today working on the site and then I renovated. Worked on the washroom and the kitchen downstairs. Then I worked on the cover art. and painted some more. More let down. Boyfriend was supposed to plan something for later I guess today. - He said he'd do something... then admits he forgot. I bet he even forgot that he would try to party with me this Halloween. I said this so long ago... what am I feeling? I'll be honest. I'm disappointed and at the same time I feel like.... this...

Morning Pages XXX Im just kidding it's not my thirtieth post, maybe it is. I lost count. My mind is just about blank this morning. Woke up early, meditated before taking a shower. We have nothing good in the house. My groceries have been eaten by my parents. They seem to not care about stacking the fridge anymore. I don't think they ever even thought they ever stacked the fridge. Thank god I keep food at the office. I'm craving fruits. I started working our again slowly. I'll be honest, I've been keeping my weight without really doing anything. Wow, right- no I watch what it is I'm eating. I'm getting more irritated by those who don't move into the sky train from the doors. I understand that you want to be by the door when it's your stop. But the truth is, you can make your way there when the time comes. Easy in- easy out? Lol that's a pretty fucked up way of life. Remember - sometimes the things we do to make ourselves comfortable, brings unfor...

The Morning Rush I should have went to bed earlier but lately, it's just been...let's see what else I can get out of the way. Yesterday was sort of a funny kind of day, where work was slow but I got majority of what was needed to be done out of the way. After work I met up with DJ at blenz at SFU. He told menof his business venture and in exchange of my services I will get personal training sessions and diet mapped out and some other stuff. It was funny, just earlier my friend gave me the offer of a website design for free music lessons from one of the top music teachers in Canada. That's a good trade right? How do I trade my services to get myself an apartment. No sexual offers please. I will only do art and design work. I am in need of a new comp. The one in my possession of work which is really my brothers computer which is filled with stuff. Stuff I don't know if I should save or delete. I should start backing up my stuff again, but I really don't that much impo...

Goodbyes To One I Remember I broke down in high school ten years ago to the day. I cried yesterday, when I visited just outside my old high school. Where it all went down. Lol, I cried when a guy who was friends with a group came an introduced himself and was yelling back to his friends why I was there. Why did he have to do that? - was the first thought in my head - another part of me wonders if Ray was there, knowing he wouldn't let it pass if there was no hello's between his friends. You see, the thing why I would be so touchy about it is that - that is why I remember him the most. Our hellos. I told the guy that yesterday and he made sort of a, 'OMG you're here because he just used to say hello to each other?!' - yes, and no- I wanted to tell him that he didn't understand. That the truth of it was that it didn't matter how far away from Ray I was - he would always say 'Hi', may it be a wave, a honk and wave, we could be at the opposite ends of t...

Strange Findings We all do it, there's always something that reminds you of someone you used to be with. - I was going to say love, but I can't fully say I loved everything about every guy I've dated. But I find myself thinking of someone as I see a big white truck drive by, or parked along the street. A part of me wonders if his life turned out the way it did in my dream. The bf is late picking me up, thus giving me time go do my daily blog. I missed yesterdays. What did I do yesterday? Eat at Wings and slept and played star craft 2 . I'm trying to learn to be a pro. Lol. I am a long ways from it but hey. I was listening to a new beat SJ made me and I have to say this ones for me stuck. The tune changes. Do I sing, rap lightly? Today was nice - to have dim sum on my lunch break with Ry. I loved it. Even though the service was slow and not that great. He is the first bf to have lunch with me on my lunch break. Which was nice. Oh, my rides here. My tummy hurts a bit -_- ...

Death Dates Remembering them are the worse, but still we honor them because they in death taught us something, no matter who they were. I guess it depends on who you are and what impact you leave , but I guess that's the reason for us to live a grand life, touch hearts, spread love. I thought I missed it, I had made a note that I would go. 10years - I would go visit him. I remembered when I passed by my old high school, by the alley. By the place where it all went down. Sucks - this years our 10 year reunion too. Attending or not, I haven't decided. Funny isn't it? I'll visit in remembrance of my friends death, but am undecided about seeing the living. Mmm I'm still thinking about it. Super sexy Fridays continue. Wearing a dress I bought yesterday. It's funny because I find that on these days is when I'm experimenting on make up, style. I mean I'm wearing my mom's 20 years old trench coat- and this thing is boss! Lol - am I the only one using that te...

Love Is The Hearts Job This thought came across my mind because I realized the moments that some of the guys I've come across in the last year, when it comes to love- they thought so much that it gave them a headache. The problem isn't thinking about Love, is that they were using the wrong organ. That's why I always advised my friends and people I love to go with feeling. If your thinking too much, then you have a headache, it means your over looking your heart's job. You're over looking all the other senses with the top man. If your brain is your number one organ, your heart has to be number two ... Right, but then people can still 'live' when they're brain dead, so does that mean your heart is number one? Your heart has just as a big role in your body as your brain. They are thee two biggest business partners in your body. Your brain may bring facts but your heart is pure instinct, gut, feeling. Feelings guides a lot. It makes us do some crazy things ...

Less Sleep, More Drive I'm currently running on 2-3 hours of sleep. Sleep that wasn't continuously collected. I'm surprised I'm up but I always knew the key was with food. If you're lacking in sleep an are tired, I find that when I eat a light snack / breakfast your good. But I never record how log these go for. Yesterday I met up with Esjay, we spoke about the d-meth blog. Personal struggles. Thoughts. Updates. He tells me that he he wants to get me up in the studio next week. In the next few months, till the end of 2010, big things are going to happen. For more than just me, but the D-Meth crew. There are those of us that I believe are strong enough in what we do, to build and strong hold what we do. Even though the son of god was born amongst us, even he had to perform acts and services ... Things that seem miraculous to others, to prove himself. His worth.

Waking Up Tired Feeling sick after I eat. Feels like the norm now that it's happened a few days in a row. I'm pretty sure I was dreaming about - something about living in an awesome condo, hiding from the press, a friend hiding in a locker that had lots of midol and Tylenol. I think it was Halloween with people and a few costumes here and there. The condo was nice, big tall floor to ceiling windows. I woke up this morning and was sitting in the washroom and I thought to myself, when I build my own place, I want sliding doors, swinging doors take up too much room. The Japanese got it right. I barely ate this morning. I woke up really early to let the dog out of my room to go back to bed. Mmm the as I was getting out of bed the knocking on the wall annoys me. I spent so many hours last night painting. I got to just paint the white now. My dads do anal. He seems to be so glad I'm sanding and painting. He was complaining about.. Oh where's the electric sander.. You k...

Sitting Still, Passing By I dreamt of him last night, it bothers me when my awake mind has come to terms and allowing the truth to pass. He comes back in the conscious I have no control. Maybe when I am aware that I'm sleeping. But I don't know about you, when I'm sleeping - most of the time it's like me falling into someone elses body and mind. I know what they know, see what they see. Past to present. I don't need him in my physical mind anymore or mental, he has no business here anymore. Man there's so much stuff I have to do now. I decided how many pandas will be in what piece. Now I have to sketch the position I'd like them to be in. But I think I have to paint my big canvas first. For the up coming show. Havent blogged for several days.. Mm what is there to say. My sisters rabbit died last Friday. It was rough to see her tired. Tired from taking care of baby who was sick.. Her lack of sleep didn't allow enough energy for her to cry about her lost. ...

I've become restless on the nights without you. You're not here to calm my thoughts, so my mind surrenders to rest. The rest assurance that you're alright, safely by my side. I adore the way we huddle closely, the way you hold my hand, the way you brush my hair away from my face...your warmth next to mine. It hasn't been that long since I last saw you... I guess I just don't want to spend too long with out you by me. I would say... perhaps... I've lived long enough without you... ♥ Ry

this is only a sketch of an upcoming painting I will be producing soon. This series I hope to hang in a Starbucks soon. The girl is only going to be a star of one canvas as the other ones will grace pandas on them. So more sketch videos coming soon. This video took 2 days to shoot well evenings. I sketched for 7 mins and then the power goes down in my bf's room. Apparently the power tripped. I didn't even do anything didn't plug anything in. Maybe my laptop. I continued the sketch the next night. The music to this video was produced by me through garage band. Lots of time, layers and beats together. You never realize what sounds sound great together until you try layering them and placing them together. I love music! <3 I realized as an adult, it's really tough to maintain a relationship with someone working around one another schedule considering both members of the relationship don't live with one another. Friendships are different now too. High school wa...

No More Block! Lol. That's what SJ said firmly to me yesterday as he dropped me off at home after our meeting. He said saw it too, he couldn't wrap his head around why I am just not producing. DJ says this too. But SJ's determination as of late has warmed me. He said something yesterday night that got me. He said that our thoughts are always going, but try to fall into the space between your thoughts. You know when your brain just doesn't think of one thing or another it just ... Is. Mmm . I spent last night thinking of a concept for the pieces I'm going to do and I came up with one. I'm going to see if I can film and flush out a good sketch of it. Mmm going to be tricky but the piece will be beautiful when it comes together. I should turn in my papers for the other art show soon too. Yesterday - i kept thinking about little things my boyfriend said to me the night before. I find myself smiling. I am grateful and happy to be with such a great guy. My back h...

I Am My Own Reason The other day, my friend asked me to ask myself, "what is holding me back right now?" the truth is...Me! I know this. It why I read the books I've read to become better. I am already capable of the best that I can be, I just have to prove myself wrong - that I am better than I am of my own perspectives. I don't know if I blogged about this but last month I suffered the feeling of being not worthy of a certain life goal at this point in time. After some time of silent self evaluation - I realized that's exactly what it is. Although I may have not achieved 'that' life goal at the moment- it's just not my time yet. That if I take a step back and really evaluate what it is I am currently striving for - It is a really big goal. To put myself out there - trying to build not only myself but companies - no that's not right to just classify them as companies - a legacy...that's it. 'A legacy' that's bigger than myself....

 wow... the love of coke-a-cola does start young. :P Thanksgiving dinner was had at my place, it was really adorable with Ethan running about in the baby walker. My mom hands him a plum and my sister thought that he would just lick it for the longest time. When baby finally bit into it and discovered the yummy-ness inside. It was over! He couldn't get enough of it and bit into it more.

Package For Me? Yesterday dad calls me to ask if I'm going to be home for me to see why a package came. Actually two came. One was a shaw digital cable box that I didn't order. I just keep over paying my bills and when I told dad that he went all paranoid crazy saying that that's how the companies rip you off and that Canada is a rip off country. Really. Why do you still live here? Anyways - I don't know why he is being bitchy about the fact that I put on almost 200 every second month for the cable, Internet, and phone. And that's only for home. I still have to pay my stuff. Dad always throw a fit about stuff but when it's come to me, I'm one of those ones where my dad has never had to fork out money for my cellphone, the furniture in my room, my clothes, my books, my computer. I can move out and half furnish an apartment let me think what would be missing. A mattress, television and a couch. Appliances .. That's if I got a house. Maybe I can furnish al...

Listening I don't know how to, if I should bother at all. Sitting down with my dad and telling him everything that I'm doing. I wonder will he listen? I am the last of us. The only one still living at home. If things don't change. I see no point to stay. He demands and pushes and throws his thoughts and ideas and dislikes all around but refuses to listen. I'm saddened at the thought that maybe just maybe I have to say. Do you never question why we have left your side? I've stayed so long out of wonder if you could ever do it on your own. Live together - mom and dad. Without us. My dad apparently randomly calls my sister all the time. He scolds her like any of us. I wonder does he ever bite his tongue. Sometimes My heart yearns for my master Letty, wishing she was still here. She seemed wise and humble enough to put my dad on a different path of thinking. He actually listened to her. Her aura was amazing. You felt it when you were around her, like you can hug it. I ...

My Different Worlds Yeah it's difficult putting up a front. The first interaction with my dad this morning really wants to make me punch him in the face. He says to me, " I asked you to find the power sander the other night (Sunday) and you still haven't found it. You know I get home and I'm tired. I'm old, cant you see CC ( the dog) thats how old I am." Then he goes on to say how I should volunteer at a old folks home an see how old people are. Please dad, don't even compare yourself to a dog that's deaf and blind now. Even when he is he still loves me more and shown more love to me in the last 13 years. I came home last night around 9:15pm by that time I was already pretty tired. Why is it so hard for you to find the power sander? Really. Don't compare yourself to a old old man in a senior citizen home. Cause you're not that old. Ok - no more of that. I feel this suffocating energy from this hatred. Yesterday . Work was work. Nothing rea...

One Step Back I have to admit that my last entry was more like a vent. What am I really supposed to do to get this frustration out. I don't even know what to write about these days. My dreams are becoming more vivid lately. More visuals but nothing too memorable. I pass out while watching anime and I am aware that when I do, my mind phases into a dream right away. I'm in the state of I'm aware that I'm falling asleep and I'm dreaming. There's nothing I can write about today that I haven't already wrote. What have I done this weekend? Well I spent it with my sister and the baby. Apparently he doesn't see me often enough to know who I am so I was hoping three days consecutively would help somewhat. He still gets shy, then Sunday morning he seemed more responsive to me. but he still cries if he doesn't see mom or dad around. His face does go into the - don't leave me! State which is really amazing, the thought that he already is well aware and can r...

Well... My heart hurts at the thought... how badly I want to move into the basement - do renovations. Dad yells at me to say that I never help him do anything. I'm of no use to him. I'm sorry. I advised him on how he SHOULD do the basement floor in the kitchen. A kitchen I want to turn into MY STUDIO, he even wants me to turn it into my studio. What is the point? The point is not for someone to half ass it and say it belongs to me. I know it was a labor of love from his behalf on doing the floors, but the truth is, he half assed it. I told him what I wanted done and he took short cuts. LIKE ALWAYS. He fought me on the kitchen cabinets, he then fought me about the floors. He did the floors and now.... it's WARPED. Would it have been SO HARD TO just pull up the vinyl, and pour down the leveler and then tile. I walk onto it and I just want to bash the floors and destroy it - not because I'm a bitch, it's because I see HOW UNEVEN IT IS! If you're not going to do it ...

Nothing ( time:8:30am )Ahh I have to do my morning pages but I've got nothing to really write about. Man I've been working my butt off lately. A big part of me wants to just hibernate, but another part's all about the go-go-go. That I want my days to be fun filled and full of happiness. I want to laugh out loud at least once a day. Just to release the heavy load of whatever it is that builds onto my chest. I'm so happy I'm going into October - debt free. It feels good. Feels like ... Really starting anew. Lol not in the sense of anything particular in my life but something. I had a dream this morning about some kind of outbreak when I was on vacation or somethin' with Ry- I don't remember much but I do remember dragging him into the safe haven that I had been offered by generous strangers. I woke up early this Morning to finish the cover art for Mali's song that's releasing tomorrow. I wish I had more images to select from with no regulations appl...