Monday, August 31, 2009

CC And His Stares

This morning, around God knows when. CC ( My Dog ) wakes me up in the middle of the night / early morning to let him out to pee. I walk him all the way to the front door and let him out side ( to stop him peeing in the house ). Some time goes by and my mom ends up letting back inside and he makes his way to my room and does the scratching like he's knocking thing on my door and whimpers. I wake myself up from the bed and let him in. I go back to sleep, he comes in and settles in for a couple minutes and then he does his creepy, sits really close to the bed and stare at her as she sleeps and whimper. I'm trying to sleep! To prevent his stinky butt from jumping on to my bed and sleeping I move close to the edge of the bed where he is and start petting his head to comfort him. It works and he goes to sleep where he is and I get some sleep. Until he wakes me up to let him out.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Shopping @ MetroTown

Me and My Cousin LX, went to Metro town today to get a bunch of things that we needed to get. We first ate lunch in the food court and did a bunch of shopping. We first hit up the pet store and I was so heart warmed to find the two dogs I want the most right next to each other. I really felt like I wanted them both! but in the end my heart directed it self to the Boston Terrier with its big paws. But the two seemed to be in love and wanting to play with one another I had to take pics. Here is a great shot of them two, it seems like they are talking to one another.
Not too far from the Pet Habitat, an Art Box store opened and in there I found a giant pen which I bought to keep my giant pencil company. Only this time the pen has pandas on it. I also wanted to get the following images shown above but I held back. I got some new clothes, went to la senza and picked up some new underwear, some more lingerie that I think I will never get to use but it looks hot none-the-less to make me feel better. A pair of black heels that look fab with skinny jeans I bought ( Grey and Purple Pair ) I bought a style top that I always been wanting to get and it doesn't look all to bad on me. Here's a picture of all I got omitting my underwear. The corset and matching underwear were bought a few weeks back.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Moving Forward

I'm so happy that things have been going well in the last couple weeks.
My fan base is growing, though I wish it grew faster. But I'm moving in the right direction. More ideas are flowing in and I seem to be making more and more friends a long the way. Positivity Breeds Creativity. I'm slowly falling in love with the world as I make a list of all the things I want to do in life and slowly checking them off. I will throw myself into it cause I can never know what it will throw at me.

Music Making

I woke up really early this morning around 5am and tried to go back to sleep. While doing stomach crunches, yes I work out in bed. Anyways. A song started to pop up in my head with a strange tune and I started singing it and it was so funny that I had to write it down before I forgot. I hopped out of bed turned on the light and proceeded to write it. I came up with as much as I could and by 6am I had no more and went back to sleep. I woke up around 10am and by early afternoon I had my full song written. I started up Garage Band ( which I've never used before ) on my Mac Book and recorded the lyrics. I have never recorded myself singing and sent it off to my friend to think of a beat and music for. I'm in nervousness thinking and wondering what he will say and what he thinks of it. Maybe after this song I can truly be called one of the Desi Method Artists.
Hopefully it's good enough and becomes a fun enough project to work on record and film and post on youtube. I will keep everyone posted and updated. Man I feel like I'm sharper than ever.

Oh yeah, I have a shout out to a Sean Hoffman for donating to my artistic fund. LOL. even if it's a penny, thanks a bunch. hahaha. you have made me feel special today. :P

Friday, August 28, 2009

Crow Mask Success

Ok Ok. I'm doing a crow stunt which will be happening this fall. P.R.A.Y.
The Crow Stunt will be filmed and aired on youtube soon after it happens. but creating this mask has been fun, and trying to fit it was a lot of cutting and success today. To fit it over my hockey helmet with the cage. Since I need all the protection I can get when I do this stunt. The mask is obviously not completed. Here are some pics. Before painted. Then after base coat ( Not Yet Complete ).

Did another 4.8k run
Weight Update: 122 lb ( 7 pounds left )

I Hope I'm All Three

I hope I'm all three

Now I wanna go to DisneyLand

September will soon be here and I think about the plans I had thought of for Trevor's Birthday. *sigh* How I saved up for the trip we said we would go on , since last year it was Disney Land or San Fran / San Diego or Save up for a place. ( I did save up quite a bit but to go on a trip, but going by myself now is just useless ) And when he lost his job, I thought maybe just maybe I would get a puppy for him / us / me. To fill the void with out him, if he had to go back to school for his full certificate.

Now I feel like I want to go to Disney Land just to play this game. LoL

Thursday, August 27, 2009

My Online Intro

This took forever to do. The fan on the MacBook just got more annoying and annoying. But here is the basic of my video just a summary bit of me. Professionally and a little personal stuff.

My Online Intro

I'm filming my online intro. To show the world, friends and family all around the world my art and etc. But I have a little feeling it's so... Professional. I mean even some girl commented that my second youtube video " had too much class "  I don't get it, the girl made it sound like I wasn't whorish enough or something. Well I didn't even have to whore myself out to get the views and comments I did.

What can I do to show that I am a fun person?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Fighting Depression

Not a lot of people know this about me, cause I kept it to myself and dealt with it. I fell into a depression state after the death of my friend in high school. His death was the third I had to deal with in the span of less than two years and it broke me. I broke down in front of people I never show such emotions to. After that I was never the same. I spent years after that fighting it. Fighting the want to just keep to myself and hide in my mouse hole. Trevor was very much my clutch during this time. He can tell you how at the beginning of our relationship my emotions were everywhere and I would cry about stupid stuff. Stuff I don't even remember. Through time that depression went away, but last night was when I felt it again. Before I went to sleep just as I laid back in my bed. I just wanted to cry. That random feeling of someone reaching into your chest and just taking a hold of your heart. You just feel their fingers grip it in their invisible hands. For some reason, no reason, I felt SO SAD and all I wanted to do was cry. I hate this feeling. The random emotion of sadness. I didn't cry even though I was at the verge of it. I fought it and asked myself why I felt this way. I had no answer, no thoughts, just broken feelings.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Roller Coaster of Feelings

I will start with what I didn't blog about last night. Yesterday I had a brief meeting with my friend about work, I shared with them my idea for the stunts I want to do. They loved them and I left the meeting refreshed and focused. Me and cousin LX walked home and I made blueberry waffles for dinner with ice cream on top. You know the infamous one that I just seem to have wished I could have made for Trev.
They are much better with the original recipe that calls for strawberries instead of blueberries. Topped with strawberry marble ice cream. It's so GOOD. MMmmMmm doesn't it look good? If anyone is interested in the recipe, maybe I'll make a video on making it and post the recipe up along with it.

I went into work downtown today, feeling tired, more tired then ever sitting in front of the computer. It was even more fun when the electricity went out just when I finished designing a panel for a power point presentation template. I was about to save and... black out. The whole downtown Vancouver core lost electricity for 15-25 mins? FUN. I had to do what I was doing all over again. Booo *thumbs down*  What was even worse was that I was feeling sick. But I became depressed when the power went out my natural instinct was that I grabbed my phone and I was just about to text message Trevor. I had to stop myself and my heart just sank. To think that he has become a natural reaction.
The power went back on just as my boss was about to let me go home for the rest of the day. So I ended up working the rest of the day feeling sick and sad. I finish the template with good reviews from the boss, I pack things  up and I make my way home.

Me and Cousin LX just returned from another 4.8k jog & walk. I don't feel so sad anymore but I still do feel a bit sick. Maybe I will feel better a little later on tonight.

Plans for tonight: Crow costume making. Making of the crow head mask.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Art Series: As I Drive By

Calling all car lovers. I need your help to name the cars in these pieces, makes models and years. If you know leave a comment numbering them 1-6. Thanks a bunch. To check out more images / artwork check out my facebook fan page.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Visiting The PNE

Today was filled with dim sum and PNE. Yes I did break my diet foods and caved into temptation. I ate meat but you know what, I didn't eat that much of it. I can't help it when I'm such a food lover. We walked around and watched the toon rock parade, to be honest it wasn't that great this year. We sat and watched the superdogs show which I really wanted to go down and pet the Boston Terrier and Pug but didn't end up doing so because of all the rush of kids and people. Too many to fight through to get to the dogs so we just left to walk around some more. We walked down a section behind the atv and monster truck show. The roaring of the atv's as they raced by really touches my soul. Like I want one. It was right around that area where we ran into a food stand that served foot long corn dogs and lemonade. MmmmMm is all I have say. I gave the PNE art fair bear a high five ( just me being silly ) . The Three wheel bike car ( have no idea what it's called ) was pretty cool looking. The petting zoo was kinda lame with only goats, my arms were too short to reach the mini horses and the rabbits but my sister has a rabbit so no big deal. But the mini goat was cute and the black sheep was so soft. Baah baah Black Sheep have you any wool? *singing*

Saturday, August 22, 2009

A Trip To Langley

This morning I was up early checking up on things and chatting with a new friend online. Soon after headed out to Langley with my cousin and big sis in search for ... I have no clue. We hit up a model toy store to return something my sister had bought and we headed to Willowbrook for lunch and our continuation in search for toys ( toys-r-us didn't fill our needs but my cousin found Elmo interesting ) She kept sticking her hand in his mouth as he was talking.

and we ended up going in search for a more specialty toy store. I called up Bruce and got directions to the toy store that I had been wanting to hit up for a while. Toy Traders, you guys are awesome.

Some fun poses that cousin LX did just for the heck of it. While I was there I was so tempted to purchase a pink big wheel bike for 20$, just to use it for some stupid stunt. We hit up a store for Lan and then Michael's for some supplies to make the crow head for my crow costume. On our way home we stopped by a pet store. I spotted some pug x some kind of dog mix there, although they were cute, I think pure breeds are cuter. I'm really considering getting a Boston terrier though if I do commit to getting a new puppy. They're smart and loving dogs.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Filming & Filming & Filming

After today I have nothing but respect for people who do film and record themselves for YouTube / Film. Cause I've spent so long just recording and re-recording stupid scenes, I kept messing up my lines and I want my video to flow naturally not filled with cuts here and there. I eventually wrapped things up and will be posting in a couple of days to promote a series that I will be selling off on e-bay.

I'm so ecstatic to find out that one of my two videos has already hit #83 most viewed video in Canada. I'm just happy to be in the top 100, but #83 makes it much more sweeter. Thanks everyone who watched.

Dad left this morning headed for China for a month. I already miss him. He is the only sane parent in the house. I found him very sweet the other day when Trevor came to pick up his stuff. I was very down after and didn't want to eat but my dad did try to comfort me, nudging me and saying that I shouldn't think about it so much. I heart you dad.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Facebook Fan Page

I spent most of my day again going through images, this time of my art work to update my facebook fan page. So you can go to one of two places to check out my art.

My Website:
My Facebook Fan Page:

I was also observing my youtube. Unbelievable that one video surpasses the other in less than one day. I was pretty happy to find out that P.C. actually commented back to the shout out to him. I actually held back the footage a couple of days before publishing it last night.

Went for another 4.8k jog today found myself very tired after a short race against my cousin that we did nearing the hill that we must battle during this run. Came home to see everyone had already arrived home and soon after my sister and her hubby to be showed up for dinner. During the run I realized why I enjoy working out / running to relieve emotional stress after a break up. Since I sigh time to time to relieve my emotions, during running I'm forced to pace my breaths and when I run my heart out I'm forced to catch it, it feels as though all the air in my lungs has left me. During this moment it's as if those heart breaking emotions has left me as well.

I will be making videos tomorrow, like I said about a couple of series of art I want to sell. Might take me a while to set everything up and edit. Video editing is so new to me. -_- But my Mac Book does make things more easier.

On personal emotions: well... I still wish I was with him, to share ideas, thoughts, feelings. I didn't only break up with a boyfriend. He was my lover and my best friend. Letting that go is more easier said then done.

Physically: Feeling Nauseous.

My First Youtube Shout Out

I love watching him. He makes me smile and laugh and that's all that matters to me. If you want to watch the two videos I kept playing one after the other so I didn't fall into a cry-fest yesterday just scroll down. I love the music and dancing.
Ps. This Video was shot a couple of days ago before it was released and published. I hope the images don't flash too fast or hold too long. Still learning how to edit and add music and stuff.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Fine Line

Trevor just came to pick up his stuff. One week after the finalization of our break up.
His half of the stuff is gone. I'm heart broken all over again. I want to cry my eyes out. Because I know this is the fine line where both of us may no longer look back.


Going Through The Photos

I've spent most of my day organizing my photos to and from my external hard drives.
Also To Burn Them onto DVD's for Trevor. There are so many photos I have to use not one but two dvd's.

Hmmm been wanting to go for another driving lesson, but Suzy seems busy preparing for her trip back home. I'm to afraid to bother her.

Dad's preparing to go to China for an International Chinese Chess Competition. He's stalled on teaching me anything. Driving and Making Noodles. I did pick out some paintings that I will be giving away to family back home.

I worked out on the wii fit today only to find that I haven't been on it for 5 days?!
I'm weighing in at 125 pounds even after I've eaten and drank a lot of stuff. 10 more pounds to go. Should I be photo journal-ing my progress? hhmmmmmmm NO. I don't want to show you guys my fat tubby stomach disappearing through time. I've had it for so long that even now as I'm slimming I'm already starting to miss it. ( Well Not Really )

PS. My pants are starting to get loose. Just as I thought my butt would get bigger, but no.

Ahhh. Never knew thinking of stupid stunts to do just to pass time would be so hard.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


I went for another 4.8k run. I feel much better.
After talking to Ran-Ran <3 I am more than OK.

I'm planning one step at a time open up more to the world.
Showing and featuring more of my art and more of ME.

Will be posting up my first artwork to put up on e-bay for sale. I've had it for far too long. It's been sitting in my closet collecting dust. The series for it was abandoned due to well lack of inspiration to do anymore. But I will keep everyone posted. On here and on the fan and my face book page when it goes up for sale.

Ups & Downs ... Emotions

I feel so down today, after waking up from another dream with Trevor in it.

Is it just starting to hit me? the aftermath of it all? ( I have to remember to breathe )

My dream took place outside of my old house in the yard. I was with Trevor. It was a Lee Family get together. I scold Trevor, asking him why he brought me there, wondering was it because he couldn't face everyone without me. He tells me he's still very confused about everything but he knows he misses me he asks me to simply tell him what to do. I do. I tell him as long as he lives at home, we can never move forward. ( I guess he chose what he felt where he was happiest. My heart this whole time is blank, I feel no sadness no warmth. Is it because I feel that he just threw us away? That his tries only felt as though they were attempts? I start to wonder where exactly did our love start fading. I felt it two years ago and I asked for changes, I took my heart out and placed it wholeheartedly back into our relationship. Only to get this. ) He tells me please and that he was sorry. We walk out to everyone. Their Hellos and Smiles do it for me. I'm happy to see them as they are to see me since I have already accepted them as family and I've come to feel as though they have also embraced me in as well. We walk around the side of the house holding small floor mats ( you know the ones you put in the washrooms, the soft ones. ) Everyone's laid them down one by one starting from one corner of the front yard to the others. I do so as well. Me and Trevor lay our mats down side by side and we all sit down in front of the setting sun, anticipating for something to happen. I have no idea what we are waiting for.

I wake up. I fall in and out of consciousness, dreaming here and there.
I feel sad. Am I done? Is it time to simply move on? Or do I wait for the man that I have ever truly loved to come back? *I feel like my heart's breaking all over again and I start crying* Breathe. Control. ZEN.

I'm going for a run.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Oh How CC Hates Baths

I have never heard CC cry so much during bath time. He just didn't want to. Now he's sleeping and snoring like a pig.

Ugh... watching Cake Boss on TLC, I love pastries and me being on a diet and watching this show does not mix.

My Sinking Heart

I feel this once a day, I sigh a big sigh to recover. At that moment I'm so sad, I miss Trevor so much. I want to call him, touch him, kiss him. I want to cry but I don't. I work out.

CC _ New West

This Morning for some strange reason CC ( my 12 year old Pekingese dog ) desperately wanted to sleep on my bed with me. He jumped up on my right hand side and moved all the way slowly to my left. Sleeping on my legs along the way. When he came to a rest on my left hand side. I decided to take a picture with him as he slept. Yes this photo above is staged. I placed the camera down on a box and set it on a timer and just laid back down next to him for the shot. After the photo was taken he woke up and started whimpering again and moved closer and closer to my side. I did try to push him off but he's pretty strong for a little guy and used all his power to fight me.

In the afternoon I took my cousin out to New Westminster Quay Market only to find out that it is under MAJOR renovations. What a waste of my time! We did walk around however and I got a lot more photos for my stock pile. One thing that did come out of this was when we went into salvation army looking for a crow costume or anything to build it. I came across a My Little Pony Bike Bell, the first person I thought of when I saw it was GORDON ( I don't know why, it would go awesome with pink tassels ). So I spent 50cents on this bike bell just for him. Hmm, I wonder what he will think of it. There is a strange statue with a giant egg next to the store also pictured below. We ended up walking down Columbia Street, admiring the wedding dresses. ( I'm so crushed to think that I may never be a bride. ) till we reached Columbia Street Station. I ate my Bre-Lunch there and went home soon after.

Here are just a few pics from what we saw during the day.
We saw a giant Nintendo controller and apparently the worlds tallest tin man/soldier.

I have been sneezing twice A LOT lately.
My cousin keeps saying that means someone is missing me.
Has anyone else ever heard of this? If you have comment.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

DimSum & Photography @ Stanley Park

Early afternoon me and the family went to go eat Dim Sum at Kirin Restaurant @ Star Lite Casino in New West. It was just right. And I got my dad to say that he would teach me how to make noodles. I suggested, perhaps I should return to Brunei / Miri to learn how to make noodles. He thought that was stupid and that he could teach me...hahaha. I can't wait for our first noodle making lesson =D .

Later on in the afternoon, Lester ( friend from highschool ) came and picked me and my cousin up to go to Stanley Park to do some photography. He had just recently purchased the same DSLR as I have. Nikon D60. Cute, small and does the job. hahaha like me. jk jk.

Lester parked at second beach pool and walked down. We walked around the seawall to a certain extent and climbed down where we could and wrote in the sand. I showed him and my cousin the balancing rocks that people do there along the seawall.

Here is a picture of Lester, he was trying to see if he threw a rock at a pile of balancing rocks if they would fall. His first attempt he felt guilty ( pictured here ) and so just tossed the little rock in his hand aside. His second attempt however he completely missed. The next photo is my first try at balancing rocks. The third photo pictured above shows my cousins and My second try with large rocks. Here are a few photos of us trying rock balancing. My cousin with her pile, Lester with his kick ass 15 stone high pile. And the last one is my third try pile trying to beat Lester. But it ended up falling and I just chucked the rest of the rocks in my hand in upsetness.

Here are my top Five Best Shots from our trip today. =)

Thanks Lester for a fun trip =) you're a good driver, considering I get sick in the cars of people who can't drive. I really didn't realize you were driving standard until we got to Stanley Park.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Picnic @ Barnet Beach

I tagged along with my sister today to go to a picnic / bbq at Barnet Beach.
Due to the lack of sleep and shin splints that I didn't participate in a the Lam family events. Lan seems to fit in quite well. I am so happy for her and the bun in the oven.

I walk along the beach side with my cousin and I can't help but think of how the last time I was there with Trevor. We took pictures and how the tide has become so high now. I remember thinking to myself how it was a great place to bring a dog, to let them run along and play in the water. Maybe a dog was not a bad idea.

I shake off the thoughts of us and simply try to enjoy my day. ( not so easy )

I eat and think to myself, I really have to start weening myself off meats and soon solids all together for a while to cleanse my system. As unhealthy this MAY sound, I assure you this is for my health. This is something that I have to do to make sure my reoccurring health problem is not a serious one. I have to suck this up and just do it. Because when I go in for a check up for my problem, it may be exactly what the doctor will ask me to do.

This problem comes and goes, I always thought that it was caused by meats in my diet, but I've cut them for a while and still the problem returned on Wednesday ( day of break up how fucking ironic ) I did not tell Trevor. That was the only day and went away again. But he will read this and suggest for me to see a doctor. He and my sister are the only ones that know of this problem.
This health thing really bugs me, every time it returns it breaks my heart. I worry.
Losing a love is one thing, but my health and my life is another.
I'm so scared just to think about it.

I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep.

Puffy Eyes

I spent a long time chatting then blogging last night till 6 am, yes now is 9 am. I've only had 3 hours of sleep. There's picnic I'm heading to that is my sister's fiance's family picnic. Blah Blah. Got to get ready.

Why I Love Him

My friend asked me during my "break" with Trevor why I love him. I never really gave him a full on answer. I will tell you guys why.

He is just as real as I am. Though I'm brutally honest, I am honest in a kind way. He is honest regardless. He has always made me smile in the last 8 years and a half every time I'm with him. It has only been this last month or so, that he hasn't. To me, he's the greatest hockey player I know. Even after so long, there were the kisses that just felt like they were the same as the ones that we had when we started dating. His lips would just make my heart melt. My head fits perfectly on his shoulder when I lay beside him. When I see him with his baby cousins, I think about how great of a father he's going to be. I've fallen in love with his family. When he smiles flashing his teeth, I always wish my eyes were like a camera to capture it as a photo. On our first date I fell in love with him from his profile, I simply stared at it and thought to myself...WOW. His big nose is the opposite of mine, just like our butts. To me he has a sexy athletic body. He can stand on his own in a fight. He's Goofy at times and I adore that. He always sings with a funny voice. I'd make him noodles and I loved watching him eat them like they were the best thing on earth. He likes to eat almost everything I eat and sometimes eats what I don't. I can describe something and he would know who or what I'm talking about. Sometimes we can just talk with our eyes. Sometimes he just serves me tough love, even when all I need is his love. Introducing him to new things he welcomes them. When he wraps his arms around me, I feel SO safe. He's a hard worker and I never mind helping him relax. Long or short hair, UGHH he looks good with both ( kind of miss his spiky hair ). His stubble, he just always seem to have it. Sometimes he makes me feel like a schoolgirl again. How he would always hold the door for me, or sometimes carry my hockey sticks. The Love was great. He's a part of me that I could never be... and he reflected that, and I always thought that we balanced because there are parts of him that I reflected. I can go on... but I'd take forever as I pause to constantly wipe my tears.

Though we had been together for a long time there are things that make us very different. I have always loved those differences. But some just need growth.

Though I still live at home, I'm personally very independent. I do my own laundry, fold my own clothes, put them away. Clean. Cook, Bake, Work, Pay Bills. My parents don't baby me. Though I still stay in the nest. I live as if I were on my own. Almost every stick of furniture in my bedroom was paid by me. Even some of the furniture around the house. I do renovations when needed with my brother. Not relying and waiting for the parents to do them. I've spent a couple of years cleaning up after someone I should never have and only the last couple of years I've truly lived for me and I continue to. To better myself. My relationships, my well being. I'll be honest to say I'm not in the best of health. Though I've been working out and getting back in shape there is a reoccurring health issue that keeps coming and going and I've seriously come to realize I have to get checked out. Yet I am embarrassed and so afraid to. It can be very minor or very serious. This is one of the main reasons I started this blog. Doing it now on my own scares me so much. I've always had Trevor as my clutch, my strongest support system (next to my sister) but that's gone now. I always think of the possibilities. Life is too short for me not to take risks and chances and make changes. I not only want to laugh and be happy, I want those I know and love to be happy and smile. I want to share with the world my art and me. I want to grow with him, but he's no longer here.

Personally I believe he needs to grow. He is independent only to an extent. He may have his own car, his job. I feel like he's a dragon that lives in a cage that has keepers. He's able to fly in and out of the cage freely, but he's become so comfortable there he's happy. But is he really? I'm the little bird that's always kept him company. I freely fly in and out between the bars and constantly asks him to fly and be with me in the sky. Your cage now seems to have grown too small for you, that even I can no longer fly in and out of.

So Little Time, Too Many Tears.
Goodbye. Good night, Good morning.

Chubby Bunny First Youtube Video

This is My First Youtube video. Playing Chubby Bunny.

Rules of the Game: Put one Marshmallow in your mouth and right after say "Chubby Bunny." You must do this consecutively. The one with the most marshmallows in their mouth and still able to say "Chubby Bunny" wins!...No Chewing or swallowing of the marshmallows during the game, you must keep them in your mouth.

Me and My Cousin are battling each other with full bunny ears and makeup. Yes, just for the hell of it. It was tons of fun to do and I couldn't stop giggling.

The "Oii" at the end is a shout out to my cousin ( Cuti3Starz Brother )... it's a chinese, thing you say to get someone's attention... equivalent to the "HEY"

Friday, August 14, 2009

A Trip To The Forest Lawn Cemetery

Worked out on the wii this morning and listened for the mail man. I finally got the charms I ordered from =) Every Charm that I have on my charm bracelet is a reflection of me or of an accomplishment or in memory of a place I've vacationed.

I went to go visit my Art Teachers Grave. I haven't been there for a while and I miss her.
Took the 123 bus with my cousin accompanying me. Got off the street across from flower shop and bought some flowers. Too bad Peonies are no longer in season, they were her favorite. I ended up getting chrysanthemums and posies. We walked to the grave. I haven't been there for a while and got lost along the way, but strangely where we got side tracked we walked passed a 'LO' family grave. Is this a coincidence that the one place we get side tracked to we pass a possible family member? I wonder. We end up finding her grave and I clean about it and placed my flowers there. I pray for her to watch over me and guide me. When I paint to be by my side as I know she always is on the best ones. On the way out we went back to the 'LO' grave to pay respects, as we wondered if he was family.
I leave the cemetery and I feel so much better, I'm melting that icicle out of my chest.
I've now noted her birthday and death date on my calender so I will remember next year and visit her. What are the odds, her birthday is the same as my friend that passed away last year. March 11.

Me and my cousin head over to dressew in search of bunny ears for our chubby bunny challenge that soon will be posted after we battle. And a crow costume for my stunt. *sigh* only got black wings.

This Feeling I Can't Shake

I've been through heartbreak before. I've had a handful of failed relationships but this one however that just ended is by far the longest I've been in. I know what it means have someone break your heart. The world around you for that moment seems to just fall apart and all you think is about that person no matter how much you feel like you hate them, you can't. You only hate how they are making you feel, at that moment, at that time. I have yet to cry my eyes out to the point I hyperventilate since the last time I posted about it. But ever since the actual breakup little by little I keep feeling this feeling. It over took my yesterday afternoon and I've been feeling it ever since.

This is how it really feels like.

Someone's just stabbed me through the back with a giant icicle. Piercing my back, into my chest, through my heart and out of my chest. ( This is the best description I have for it. Since my last one last night. )

Why do I feel like this. I was OK, I am Okay. Am I really not? Do I need a really good cry.

I'm going to visit my art teacher today at the cemetery, I don't remember what day it was she passed away, but this year would be the tenth anniversary.

One of the many things that I was planning to do with Trevor was go to the cemetery. I was hoping to meet his grandma and he meets my art teacher. I know they've passed but for some reason this meant something to me. *now I'm tearing* GREAT... I just feel there was so many things we planned but didn't do......I feel SO STUPID. Is it so bad to think far ahead, not just for tomorrow?

My New Panda

I visited my friend yesterday afternoon, I had not seen him in a while and he said he had a gift for me. Little did I know it was a new panda and it seems he had gotten it for me a while ago. I HEART pandas!
I had first seen this panda in the states at a jewelery store and the lady there said to me that I had to buy a piece of jewelery in order to purchase the bear. ( made no sense to me ) but he said that he simply just bought the bear.

I spent most of the day trying not to focus on my emotions when ever I did I would feel like something had cut open my chest and just left it open with this void where my heart's supposed to be. It feels as though I can feel the cold air filling it. AAAARRRGGHHH.

I think to myself just be happy and breathe. I live for Me.
I relax myself listening to the rain falling outside. It soothes my soul.
It rained for so long. <3 you God.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Morning The Day After

I felt as if sometime has past, for some reason I'm sitting in the car with Trevor ( now X-bf ) and he's talking to me. He says to me he wants to get back together cause he misses me. I feel my face scrunch up into an expression of shock and the only thing that comes out of my mouth is a big "UHHHH?"

I wake up with a moan and I was only a dream. I fall back to sleep.

I dream again...this time I don't remember about what...I jump awake from the knocking on my bedroom door. ( Was I snoring? really loud? ) My dad's voice comes from the other end. "Are you sleeping?"
I reply, "Yes"
And he asks, "Are You Okay?"
I reply, "Yes"

In this moment, I'm touched. Out of a lot of situations this is one question that made me feel he really really loves me. *sniff sniff* I can't help but cry thinking about it now.

My sister calls me cause she just got my text message about the split.
She checks up on me. I cry here and there explaining what happened.

I don't know how to explain this feeling, I'm sad, yet not sad.
I resent him because of all the love and work and time I put into this relationship.
The efforts I placed into helping him get his certificate, thinking this would be the next step for us together in our relationship for the better...( not thinking breaking up would be the next step for us. ) I feel used, yet I know that was NEVER his intention. It's just how I feel.

Even though I put up a front, asked him for the blessing to date who ever.
That is just me dealing. I still love him. I always will.

I take a deep breath. I become ZEN. I am okay.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Well... It has been two weeks on the dot since me and my recent other saw each other and he said to me that he just didn't feel the same. and we went on a break. Today was the first time I've seen him since.

After a long talk ( not giving specifics ) tears from both parties. We broke up.
He didn't feel the same anymore and was happy being single.
As for me... Even though I feel like trying would save us. If he's not happy I have to let him go. I truly love him. And if he's happier without me then I have to let him go. That's true love. I've always been this way. We've decided to stay friends with all the history between us. I've already cried hard enough the other day that my emotions are not the same. I spent the last two weeks coping with the fact that we won't recover. In the end I gave him a punch to the arm as we talked face to face. I walked him out and with a hug and kiss on the cheek we said our goodbyes to one another with well wishes.
To all my friends, thank you for your support and love. I am OK. As I said to Trevor.
"I am Zen"

Side Note.
Yesterday I didn't really update much.
My second learning standard lesson was a success, even though I spent it in front of my house going first and reverse going forward and backwards. I only stalled a handful of times. In the evening I got angry with my dad since he said NO to helping me get a scooter. I said I would pay for everything but he didn't even want to converse with me about it and just said NO.

Today however he comes back from work with a change of heart. It made me so happy that he would consider it. :) yay. scooter.

I have decided that I will do the crow stunt I've always wanted to do. I will post the video for sure. for all those that know what I'm talking about, I noted this on Dec 2008 on my face book my friends. In a note about things that I always thought of doing.
now I have to look for a crow costume.

Expanding My Horizons

I have decided to spread my wings a little further in promoting my art.

I have created a YouTube account and soon will be creating videos. So subscribe:
Will be ebaying some artwork ( currently compiling a pile items ) will blog and post on facebook and youtube video promos.

Created a Fan page on Facebook because, well I work for more than one company for graphic design and I also do fine arts and sometimes they want to know who the designer / artist is behind some work.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

August 10, 2009

I received my new license in the mail and it's ugly! I really want to old style back. The new ones look.. "American" so my sister says.

I've picked out my scooter, I have fallen in love with the Honda Jazz.

I went for my first driving lesson in the rain. Let me tell you, learning standard in a leaky del Sol in the rain is a bad idea. I was a wreck from not the learning of standard driving but the water that was dripping onto my hand that was holding the steering wheel. Not only that, but right when I hit the stop sign at the end of my street the car died. It took us a couple of mins to get it restarted... UGH. no more learning in the rain.

After the driving lesson My Cousin and I decided to bake cookies. Here are some pics of her helping out. As for me... I'll stay out of the shot.

I end up spending the rest of the day working out on the wii breaking in the wii fit ( which I find harder than it looks ) and watching chinese dramas.

Couldn't sleep at 3am, so went running on the wii...wii fit you have become my new best friend on rainy days.
Night <3