Thursday, August 13, 2009

Morning The Day After

Dreaming:
I felt as if sometime has past, for some reason I'm sitting in the car with Trevor ( now X-bf ) and he's talking to me. He says to me he wants to get back together cause he misses me. I feel my face scrunch up into an expression of shock and the only thing that comes out of my mouth is a big "UHHHH?"

I wake up with a moan and I feel...sad...it was only a dream. I fall back to sleep.

I dream again...this time I don't remember about what...I jump awake from the knocking on my bedroom door. ( Was I snoring? really loud? ) My dad's voice comes from the other end. "Are you sleeping?"
I reply, "Yes"
And he asks, "Are You Okay?"
I reply, "Yes"

In this moment, I'm touched. Out of a lot of situations this is one question that made me feel he really really loves me. *sniff sniff* I can't help but cry thinking about it now.

My sister calls me cause she just got my text message about the split.
She checks up on me. I cry here and there explaining what happened.

I don't know how to explain this feeling, I'm sad, yet not sad.
I resent him because of all the love and work and time I put into this relationship.
The efforts I placed into helping him get his certificate, thinking this would be the next step for us together in our relationship for the better...( not thinking breaking up would be the next step for us. ) I feel used, yet I know that was NEVER his intention. It's just how I feel.

Even though I put up a front, asked him for the blessing to date who ever.
That is just me dealing. I still love him. I always will.

I take a deep breath. I become ZEN. I am okay.
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